


The Six Siblings, Part Two: This Tale is All Sorrows and Woes

by midas_touch_of_angst



Series: Six Baudelaires AU [3]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: All that fun ASOUE stuff, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Six Baudelaires, Attempted Murder, Babbitt is still here, Bisexual Violet Baudelaire, Gay Duncan Quagmire, Gay Klaus Baudelaire, Gen, Kidnapping, Lesbian Isadora Quagmire, M/M, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Rivalry, Siblings, and everyone gets to say fuck, everyone have fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-03-29 23:43:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 93,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midas_touch_of_angst/pseuds/midas_touch_of_angst
Summary: The Six Baudelaire children, six months ago, once would have said that they absolutely could not wait to all move out of the house and never see each other again.That would have been a lie, of course; they’d’ve loved to see each other on holidays, and when one of them needed a favor. But as many siblings will tell you, being forced to spend two decades of your life cooped up with other people will oftentimes make you very sick of said other people... but in the present circumstances, they were starting to wonder if they’d ever want to be apart from each other again.Especially since their series of unfortunate events was only beginning, and it was only going to get worse.Six Baudelaires AU, Part Two of Three. Includes The Austere Academy, The Ersatz Elevator, The Vile Village, The Hostile Hospital, and The Carnivorous Carnival.





	1. Prologue - in which Lilac has to Older Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are confused:
> 
> \- Six Baudelaires AU Information: https://unfortunate-stranger-losers.tumblr.com/six-baudelaires
> 
> \- The gist of it is that the Movie and Netflix Baudelaires are all siblings; while the Netflix Baudelaires retain their names, the Movie Baudelaires are Lilac, Nick and Solitude. Lilac is eleven months older than Violet, while Nick is Klaus's twin, older by thirteen minutes.
> 
> \- This chapter is a prologue; the story will begin next chapter. I'll update daily, but if I have to cancel/postpone a chapter, I will let you know beforehand or on tumblr.
> 
> \- You can find Part One (the first four books) here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18371576/chapters/43501190

**CHAPTER ONE**

_Prologue - in which Lilac has to Older Sister_

 

“Release Nick, you fiend!”

Violet tackled Klaus to the ground, as both of her brothers burst into giggles. “Never! Nick’s _my_ prisoner of war!” Klaus said, trying (and failing) to push her off.

“I dunno,” Nick said, glancing up. “Violet, can you tie me looser? I think I’m gonna get ropeburn.”

“I don’t think you know what that word means.” said Klaus.

The Baudelaire study room had been converted into a war room for the day, and as Lilac kicked open the door, holding a basket of snacks, she shouted, “I told you to pause while I got food!”

“Yeah, but we got bored, so we decided to continue without you.” Violet shrugged.

Lilac stared at Nick. “Oh, you did _not_ use real ropes!”

“We found real ropes! What else were we supposed to do?” Violet said.

“Yeah!” Klaus said. “We can’t tie up Nick with _blankets.”_

Nick waved from beneath the ropes that bound him to Father’s desk chair. “I’m the captive!” he cheered.

“I _figured_ that,” Lilac said, “But how’d Klaus capture you so fast?”

“Terabithia’s defenses suck.” Klaus said.

“I fell off the desk.” Nick shrugged.

“And now I’m rescuing him!” Violet said. “Because Klaus is a wimp who can’t beat me!”

 _“Klaus_ can’t beat _Violet,”_ Lilac said, “But Irene and Curdie of Gwyntystorm can fight Queen Lucy!”

“Is _that_ how you pronounce Gwen-tea…” Klaus paused, as Lilac raced forwards. “Gwan-ti…”

“Gwyntystorm, moron!” Violet said, as Lilac tackled her off of Klaus.  

“Wait, I thought you were Susan, not Lucy?” Nick frowned.

“Is that important?” Klaus rolled his eyes, as Violet playfully kicked at her older sister.

“Am I Peter or Edmund, then?”

“I thought you were Eragon.” Lilac said, as Violet finally threw off her grip and started running around the room.

“Wasn’t he Ara _gorn?”_ asked Klaus.

“We suck!” Violet cheered, as Klaus and Lilac kept chasing her. “And _Terabithia forever!”_

“Should we pick new names?” Nick asked. “Cause I’ll be Glaedr.”

“Glaedr’s a dragon, that doesn’t count.” Klaus said.

“Can’t I be a dragon?”

“Can you breathe fire?”

 _“Violet!”_ Lilac shouted. _“Put that down right now!”_

The boys turned to see that their sister had managed to climb onto their Father’s desk and find a knife in one of the drawers. She let out a delighted shout as she leapt down, avoiding Lilac’s arms and ducking past a startled Klaus, before starting to cut at the ropes binding Nick.

“Shoot, this is way harder than in the movies.” Violet said.

“I mean, I can just slide out if you loosen it.” Nick shrugged.

“Not as fun.”

“That’s not fair!” Klaus cried. “Lilac said no real weapons!”

“I’m just being resourceful.” Violet shrugged.

“I wanna be Peter Pan!” Nick decided.

“Shut up,” Violet said, “Or I will lock you in the closet again.”

“Violet, put down the knife!” Lilac shouted. “That’s an order!”

“You’re not my Queen, Irene!” Violet stuck out her tongue.

“No, but I am in charge until Mom and Dad get back, and they said you and Nick…” she scrunched up her face, trying to remember the exact words. “They said, ‘Violet and Nick are to not be allowed near sharp objects under any circumstances.’”

“Yeah, well, Mother and Father are replacing us right now,” Violet said, “So…”

“Shut up!” Klaus looked startled. “They’re not _replacing_ us!”

“Naw, they definitely are.” Nick nodded. “When a new baby is born, one of the other children has to die. Everyone knows it.”

“No!” Klaus shouted.

“Stop scaring Klaus!” Lilac hissed. “Violet, put down the knife, or I’m telling Mom you used it!”

“Ugh, fine. Ropes are basically broken anyway.” Violet groaned, placing the weapon back on their Father’s desk. She waved her hands unenthusiastically, and said, “Go, be free.”

“Freedom!” Nick shouted, shaking off the ropes. “Now I’mma fly away!”

“You can’t fly, that’s not fair!” Klaus said. “And Mother and Father aren’t gonna replace us!”

“They are.” Nick said, tossing the ropes to the side and then sitting awkwardly on the chair. “Now, since it’s a girl maybe, they could take out one of them,” he gestured towards Violet and Lilac, “But you’re the most useless, Klaus, so-”

“Don’t be mean to Klaus!” Violet said, moving towards her younger brother and hugging him to her. “He’s the baby!”

“Not anymore!” Nick grinned. “Also, traitor.”

“Game on pause.” Lilac said. She sat on the edge of the desk, pushing the knife back into the drawer. “Look, Mom is just having another baby. It won’t be an issue. We’ve talked about this.”

“But I don’t _want_ another sister! We’re gonna be outnumbered!” Nick huffed, crossing his arms. “Can’t they just leave her at the hospital?”

“No.” Lilac said sternly.

“They did already set up the nursery.” Violet sighed.

“But they already have _four_ kids!” Nick said. “Why do they need _more?”_

“Maybe it was an accident.” Klaus said.

 _“You_ were an accident.” Nick said.

“Shut _up!”_ Lilac shouted.

“Seriously, babies are the _worst.”_ Nick said. “They’re stupid and loud.”

“They’re cute.” Violet protested.

“Nuh-uh.” Nick shook his head. “Our new sister’s gonna wake us up in the middle of the night all the time. All babies do is cry and scream and shit-”

Lilac let out a screech, and Violet jumped to cover Klaus’s ears. _“Who_ taught you that word?”

“Mom!” Nick beamed. “She stubbed her toe and taught me a whole _bunch_ of new words! You wanna hear?”

“No!” Violet and Lilac both shouted.

“But yeah. Babies suck and we should totally throw our sister off the roof.” Nick said.

“You’re not throwing her off the roof.” Lilac said.

“Watch me.” Nick’s eyes lit up. “Wait, no, better plan. You guys remember Moses-”

“You’re gonna be _nice_ to our new sister.” Lilac said.

“No! I’m gonna hate her!” Nick insisted.

“When are Mother and Father getting back?” Violet groaned, sliding to the floor and dragging Klaus with her. “They’ve been gone _all day.”_

“Giving birth apparently takes a while.” Lilac said.

“Then why couldn’t we be there?”

Klaus looked horrified. “We don’t wanna be!” he insisted. “I read up on what happens during labor, and it’s… bad! I don’t wanna see it!”

“How bad?” Lilac asked, eyes wide.

Klaus shivered. “I don’t wanna think about it, let alone see that happen to Mother!”

“What? Does she explode?” Nick asked.

“Stop saying people are gonna die!” Violet hissed.

“Well, if _he’s_ not gonna tell us, we gotta guess.” Nick shrugged.

“Look it up yourself.” Klaus huffed.

Lilac groaned. “You all are _impossible,_ you know that?”

“You’re impossible, too.” Violet said.

“You know what? Game’s over.” Lilac said. “We should be doing school anyway.”

“No! No school!” Nick and Klaus both shouted.

“Boys, you still gotta finish your math workbook. You said you’d finish it after the game, and the game’s done.” Lilac said. “And Violet, you still gotta study for your bat mitzvah.”

“But we wanna play Kingdoms!” Violet protested. “Come on, Li, we can swap teams! Boys vs girls!”

“That wouldn’t be fair!” Nick protested. “Not only are you two stronger than us, you’re getting reinforcements right now!”

“Lilac and Nick versus me and Klaus.” Violet suggested. “And I think we should start by kidnapping Nick again.”

“Okay, but I get to scream.” Nick said. “I’m great at being a damsel.”

“You suck at damselling.” Klaus said. “You’re never scared enough.”

“I can’t be scared.” Nick shrugged. “None of you are scary. Also, if Lilac’s on my team, she’ll save me.”

“Debatable.” Lilac said.

“Lilac’s better than you.” Nick said.

“Oh, that’s baloney!” Violet said. “Lilac just yells at us, she never has fun.”

“I have fun!” Lilac protested.

“Then why won’t you let me make a sword?”

_“Violet!”_

Before any of them could say anything more, the phone on the wall rang. They froze a moment, and then Lilac catapulted herself off of the desk, pulling her skirt up as she ran as fast as she could. Violet, Nick and Klaus followed, and Lilac quickly answered the phone, saying, “Baudelaire residence. This is Lilac Emily. To whom am I presently speaking?” She paused, as her siblings struggled to get close enough to the phone to hear the other speaker. “Really?”

“Whozzit?” Violet asked.

“It’s Dad, shh.” Lilac said.

Violet tried to grab the phone, yelling, “Is Mother dead?”

“Nooo!” Klaus wailed.

“She’s not dead, Dad says she fine.” Lilac said. “Get away from the phone! No, Dad, we’re all okay, Violet and Nick are just being mean.”

“Shut up! We’re being great!” Violet shouted. _“You hear that, Father? We’re being respectable!”_

“We’re sensible and proper!” Nick added.

“Shh!” Lilac insisted. She listened a moment, and then said, “Yeah, we finished school.” She gave death glares to the boys that clearly communicated _you better finish your math before they get home._ “Overnight? Really? Are you… you’ve been gone all day!”

“Mother has to stay overnight?” Klaus looked worried.

“Shh! Yeah, I know… yeah… uh-huh… yeah, I know where the ice cream is… how is Mom? … and the baby?”

“Are they putting her up for adoption?” Nick asked hopefully.

“Nick, I’m gonna tie you up again!” Lilac threatened. “What was that, Dad? No, no real ropes. Yeah, promise. We’ll go to bed on time, too. But you’ll all be back in the morning? Yeah, I know. Don’t open the windows. You’ll be back tonight and then go pick her up in the morning? I mean, we can stay by ourselves if you… okay. Okay, see you then?”

“Let us talk to him!” Violet protested.

“He’s gotta get back to Mom.” Lilac said. “But we can all say ‘bye.’”

She held out the phone, and all four children shouted variations of “Goodbye!” “Bye, Dad!” “Tell Mother hello!”

Lilac hung up, and Klaus said, “What’d he say?”

“He said we have a new sister.” Lilac reported. “Solitude Theodora Baudelaire.”

“They named her _what?”_ Nick looked disgusted.

“I think it sounds distinguished.” Lilac said.

“She’s a baby. She doesn’t even know what colors are yet.” Nick said. “She’s not distinguished, she’s an idiot.”

“Don’t be rude!”

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Nick said. “Seeing as I’ll be selling her to the neighbors. They can name her whatever they want.”

“You are _not!”_ Lilac said. “Now, let’s get ice cream! We have permission to eat as much as we want!”

“Oh, heck yeah!” Violet looked excited, “Come on, Klaus! Let’s make towers!”

“This is a bad idea.” Klaus said, adjusting his glasses as Violet dragged him out.

 

“Lilac?” Klaus said.

The four children laid on the living room floor, staring at the ceiling and waiting for their Father to get home. The ice cream had long since been finished, and they’d gotten bored of their schoolwork and books.

“Yeah?” Lilac asked.

“I’m tired.”

“Then go to bed.”

Klaus hesitantly glanced towards Nick, who seemed to share his thoughts. “Can we sleep down here with you guys?” Nick asked. “Last time we were home alone, it was really scary.”

Lilac sighed. “I mean, if it’s okay with Violet.”

Violet nodded quickly. “I mean… it’s not like _I_ get scared, but… if it makes you boys feel better.”

“We can get sleeping bags from the closet.” Lilac said. “There’s some pillows over there.”

“Can we make a blanket fort?” Klaus asked. “Like we used to?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Klaus grinned, and Violet said, “I’ll set it up. Nick, Li, you get sleeping bags, Klaus’ll get the pillows cause he can actually carry those.”

“Shut up!” Klaus giggled.

Lilac sat up, and Nick crawled a bit closer to her. While their siblings were distracted, Nick leaned against her and said, “Do you… are you sure they’re not replacing us?”

“I’m sure, bro-bro.” Lilac said, putting an arm around him.

“If they did try, though-”

“They wouldn’t. You’ve just been listening to those dumb kids at the park again.”

“But you’d protect me, right?”

Lilac smiled slightly, as Violet and Klaus wandered over. She glanced at them, and said, “Yeah, of course, Nick. Imma protect all of you from the big scary baby.”

“Shut up.”

Lilac laughed and let her brother lean on her shoulder, and Klaus ran over and put his head on her other shoulder, while Violet ran to get the blankets. And they stayed in the living room, building their fort and giggling to each other, until their father got home.


	2. in which the Baudelaires move into a nice shack

**CHAPTER TWO**

_in which the Baudelaires move into a nice Shack_

 

The six Baudelaire children, six months ago, once would have said that they absolutely could not wait to all move out of the house and never see each other again.

That would have been a lie, of course; they’d’ve loved to see each other on holidays, and when one of them needed a favor. But as many siblings will tell you, being forced to spend two decades of your life cooped up with other people will oftentimes make you very sick of said people, whether those people were your siblings, or, in some cases, your cellmates, or your guardians, or other volunteers, or fellow students. Though the Baudelaires desperately hoped that, in present circumstances, they would not spent two decades with other students.

And in the present circumstances, they were starting to wonder if they’d ever want to be apart from each other again. Especially Nick, who rarely released Solitude from his sight since she was ripped from him to dangle precariously in a birdcage, and now looked like he might never release Klaus, who had recently been hypnotized into almost causing a murder. But Lilac was also feeling this way, as Sunny curled up against her and sucked on her own finger, and she looked over at Violet, who was staring blankly ahead at the door across the hall. They were waiting for their new Vice Principal to come out and tell them what they were to do in their new school.

Lilac glanced back at Sunny, starting to stroke her hair, which had been tied up in a ponytail that morning. Lilac often tied her own ponytails, as did Violet; both girls did that when they were thinking of something they wanted to fix or invent. Lilac was the mechanic, and Violet the inventor, though they occasionally dabbled in each others’ fields. But lately, their repairs and experiments had not been for use of fun, but for use of saving their lives from their former guardian, Count Olaf, who was out to kill their guardians and kidnap them in an effort to steal their fortune. Sunny was not yet old enough to tie her own hair, so her sisters had to do it for her. Lilac had to do a lot of things for her siblings; as the oldest, she considered it her responsibility to protect them, and that was a very difficult job in the present circumstances.

Violet herself had a lot on her mind. She remembered how, very soon before, she had gotten her siblings into great danger with her impulsive and stubborn decisions, and she had trouble deciding if it was worth it. They were all alright, sure, but they might not have been. But her decisions had not made for the thrill of it, but in an effort to preserve the legacy of their recently deceased parents. They had a lot of recently deceased relatives, such as their Uncle Monty and Aunt Josephine, but their parents’ death stung the worst because it was the first real grief the children had experienced.

The twins, Nick and Klaus, sat inbetween their sisters, and Nick took Solitude off of his lap to stretch slightly. They’d been sitting for hours, and Nick was already easily bored, even when they weren’t in a dull hallway listening to a horrible violin playing. Klaus stood up, too, also wanting to stretch.

Both twins were avid readers, but Nick liked reading about places he could go to and things he could see, while Klaus was fine just hiding and reading about whatever he pleased. But both had almost perfect memories about their reading, which became very useful when they were in danger and needed some knowledge very fast.

As he stood, Nick turned to look at his brother, and after a second, he realized something. “Wait a minute.” he said. “Are you… taller than me?”

Klaus blinked at him, as if bewildered that this could be considered important in the current moment. “What?” Nick repeated his question, and Klaus said, “I don’t _know!”_

Nick walked up to Klaus and stood back-to-back with him. “Vi, measure us.” he said.

Violet groaned and stood, and Solitude said, “Winnie,” which meant, _“We could have Babbitt judge; they’re good with numbers!”_

Though Soli was only a toddler, who only occasionally spoke in full English sentences and was much more likely to speak in small phrases or her own babytalk that she shared with Sunny, both she and her infant sister were incredibly intelligent, and Solitude herself was a budding herpetologist, a word which here means someone who is obsessed with studying reptiles, especially snakes and frogs in the second youngest Baudelaire’s case. And “Babbitt,” as Solitude said, was a word that here meant the name of the frog Solitude had smuggled along with her as a pet. They were a very tiny, genderfluid, talented frog, who could fit in the toddler’s pocket and sleep on her shoulder, and who could also be used as a projectile weapon.

“Babbitt can’t count in inches or centimeters.” Violet said. “But we don’t need measuring at the moment, we just have to see whose head is above the other’s.”

“Is this the time?” Lilac said.

“Fight!” Sunny cheered.

Sunny was still an infant, though she was fast approaching toddlerhood. She spoke almost exclusively in her and Soli’s babytalk, though she occasionally spouted a word in a language that others who were not her siblings couldn’t understand. While “fight” was one of her favorite words, her most favorite was “bite,” as her current favorite thing to do in the world was bite and tear with her sharp teeth. She was the youngest of the six children, but she was just as brave and noble as her siblings. She also loved to participate in the fun sibling bickering that they all enjoyed, as much as they pretended they did not.

Violet put a hand on Nick’s head, and then said, “Yeah, Klaus has a few inches on you.”

“When did _that_ happen?” Lilac asked, stunned.

“Excuse me?” Nick turned around, glaring at his twin. “You can’t be taller than me!”

“I don’t have control over it!” Klaus said.

Ignoring him, Nick said, as he liked to, “I’m the older brother! I should be taller!”

“You’re only older by _thirteen minutes!”_ Klaus said, as he liked to.

“Still older!”

“We’re not identical, we weren’t gonna be the same height forever!”

_“Meaning I should be taller!”_

“Could you two shut up?” Lilac asked, leaning her head against the hard back of the bench.

“We’ll shut up when the Vice Principal finally decides to get off his ass and come get us.” Nick said.

“I’m so bored, Li.” Klaus said, sitting back down and adjusting his glasses. “I don’t care _what_ happens, so long as something does.”

At that moment, they heard a _tap-tap-tap-tap-tap,_ and a girl danced down the hall, sliding to a stop in front of the six children.

“Hello, cakesniffers!” she said brightly.

She had a dress that was fluffy and fancy and as pink as the barrettes that pushed back her short ginger curls, and, well, the only articles of clothing she wore that were not pink were a bright red brooch on her chest and her black tap shoes.

“Uh, hello.” Violet said, as Lilac stood up and lifted Sunny. “I’m Violet Baudelaire, this is my older sister Lilac, and these are my other siblings Nick, Klaus, Solitude and Sunny.”

“Cool. Nobody cares.” said the girl. “Everyone here knows that I’m Carmelita Spats, the prettiest, most talented, most bright, most brilliant, most adorable girl in the whole wide world!”

“Most humble, too?” Nick raised an eyebrow.

“Of course.” Carmelita grinned.

“How come you don’t have to wear a uniform?” Lilac asked, looking sour. “I’d give anything to wear black instead of this drab maroon.”

“I’m too adorable for a uniform.” said Carmelita Spats. “I’m supposed to give you a tour. That’s the Vice Principal’s office. Vice Princey Nero says I’m the best and he’s _totally_ right. Follow me, cakesniffers.”

“What does ‘cakesniffer’ mean?” Klaus asked, having rarely come across a word he didn’t know.

“It means you’re stupid cakesniffers.” Carmelita said unhelpfully. “Come along.”

She tapped away, and Violet said, “I don’t think it’s a compliment.”

“And I don’t think I like her dancing.” Nick said. “I don’t think I like her much.”

He bent down and picked up Solitude, and she patted her pocket to make sure Babbitt was still asleep inside. Then the six siblings, in itchy and drab uniforms, followed the adorable girl down the halls.

 

Carmelita’s tour was about as helpful as a coat would be in the Sahara Desert, or on the surface of Jupiter. While she did indeed show them places, she mostly talked about how the teachers in the classrooms thought she was adorable, and how the students in the dorms all did everything she said, and how she got lunch from the kitchen for free because she was so perfect and wonderful. When she finally got them out to the gym field, and explained how they were still trying to replace the gym teacher that had fallen out the window yesterday, and how she had been put in charge of making students do jumping jacks whenever she wanted, the Baudelaires were starting to get very tired of her voice.

“Oh, and there’s our school motto.” she said, pointing up at a sign above some tattered goalposts; everything around the school seemed to be tattered or worn or gray.

“Memento Mori.” Lilac read.

The children fell silent. They all knew basic Latin- they’d learned from their father, who liked to remind them that several languages were derived from it so they’d be easier to learn if they should wish to later. Meaning that they didn’t need Carmelita to translate for them, though she did anyway, as if they were idiots.

“Remember you will die.”

“Cheery.” Solitude said.

Carmelita tapped them away, and as they passed the students jumping jacks, the siblings noticed their stares.

“Ees?” Sunny asked, which meant, _“Why are they all staring at us?”_

“Maybe they’re staring because we’re new.” Violet said.

“It’s because your home was destroyed and you’re orphans now.” Carmelita said off-handedly.

She tapped them back into the building, and back to where they had started.

“You’re five minutes late.” Carmelita said, and then she _hmm_ ed.

“Hmm?” Klaus echoed.

“It is customary,” said Carmelita, “to give the tour guide a tip.”

“A tip?” Violet raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Are you blind _and_ deaf, cakesniffers?”

After a moment, Nick said, “I’ll give you a tip.”

“Yes?”

Nick smiled slightly. “There’s a book, about the mother of a girl who reminds me a lot of you, in that everyone thinks she is adorable and perfect. The mother gets scared when the girl’s classmate drowns on a field trip and her daughter steals something shiny off of him, and she then finds out that she has a very suspicious genealogy.”

Carmelita looked at him like he’d grown a second head. “What kind of a tip is that?”

“A useful one.”

Carmelita glared at him, and then kicked the door behind her.

The door swung open after a second, and a tall man shouted, “Who _dares_ interrupt a genius musician while he’s rehearsing!”

“The Baudelaires are late for their meeting with you.” Carmelita said.

“How dare you be late!” said the man, who the children figured out quickly was Vice Principal Nero. He then turned to Carmelita and said, softly, “Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me. That is a lovely brooch.”

“The original owner really liked it!” Carmelita said. She spun away, and the Vice Principal gestured for the Baudelaires to follow him inside his office.

The children walked inside, and as they did, placing the toddlers onto the floor, Vice Principal Nero picked up an old violin and started to play.

It sounded awful. Sunny threw her hands over her ears, and Solitude hid her head in the fabric of Nick’s pants. The older siblings just stared at Nero, trying to mask their own horror.

When he finally finished, after what felt like forever, they continued to stare, and he said, “It is customary to applaud a great musician when he has finished his performance.”

Slowly, the older Baudelaires clapped. “Bravo.” said Violet, unenthusiastically.

“Congrats.” said Nick.

“Thank you.” Vice Principal Nero sat down at a desk chair, and said, “So, I have been told all about your misfortune. Your dead parents, your dead uncle, your dead aunt, the destruction of a mill, and a horrible man who has been following you for a while.”

“Count Olaf.” Lilac said.

“Yes.” Nero said. “But rest assured, he will not enter here, thanks to our state-of-the-art computer.”

He gestured to a computer in the corner, which looked very complex.

“How does that computer stop Count Olaf?” Klaus asked.

 _“How does that computer stop Count Olaf?”_ Nero imitated. “As if children like you would understand. Now, Violet, Nicholas-”

“Nick.”

 _“Nick.”_ Nero rolled his eyes. “You will be studying with Mr Remora in Room One.” he said. “Lilac, Klaus, you will be studying with Ms Bass in Room Two. Solitude and Sunny will be serving as my secretaries. I could use some of those, I have letters to write.”

“I don’t wanna split up!” Nick said quickly.

“Solitude and Sunny should be in nursery school.” Lilac protested.

 _“Solitude and Sunny should be in nursery school._ Well, we don’t have a nursery school, so it’s that or let them rot in the Orphans Shack all day.”

“In the what?” Nick and Violet both asked.

“Well,” Nero said. “The dorms are only accessible to students who have permission slips signed by a parent or legal guardian. And, seeing as you have neither-”

“Couldn’t Mr Poe sign it for us?” Violet asked.

 _“Couldn’t Mr Poe sign it for us?_ Mr Poe is not your legal guardian,” said Nero, “He is the executor of your parents’ fortune. If you do not have a permission slip, you will have to sleep in the Orphans Shack until more orphans arrive and you are transferred to an empty room in the dorms.”

“If there are empty rooms,” Lilac said, “Couldn’t we stay there anyway?”

 _“If there are empty rooms, couldn’t we stay there anyway?_ You could not, that is not the rules. Rules are the way the world runs. Speaking of rules, we have several. If any of you are late for class or work, your hands will be tied behind your back during meals, and you’ll have to lean down and eat your food like a dog. If you come to the administrative building without being asked, you will have your silverware taken away during meals. If you are late to lunch, you will have your cups and glasses taken away.”

“You can’t be serious.” said Violet.

 _“You can’t be serious.”_ Nero rolled his eyes. “In the auditorium every night I give a six-hour violin recital, and attendance is mandatory. ‘Mandatory’ means that if you don’t show up, you have to buy me a large bag of candy and watch me eat it.”

“Aregg?” Sunny asked incredulously, which meant, _“What? I can’t believe it!”_

“Now, go along to your shack, it’s behind the kitchens.” Nero said, not even caring to ask for a translation. “Should you need to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, there are plenty of bushes.”

“Ew.” said Sunny.

Lilac picked up Sunny, and Nick picked up Solitude, and the children left without even saying goodbye. Nero did not say goodbye either, and instead he continued to badly play the violin.

 

“Our shack has crabs.” said Violet, looking down at the floor, where several crabs scuttled around.

“Our shack has fungus.” said Klaus, looking up at the ceiling dripping with fungus.

“Our shack has no room.” Nick observed, realizing very quickly that with the crabs, fungus and hay bales, there was not enough room for six children to sleep.

“Gah-ahc.” said Solitude, which meant, _“Let’s sleep outside.”_


	3. in which the Baudelaires make new friends

**CHAPTER THREE**

_ in which the Baudelaires make new friends _

 

“Class  _ sucks.”  _ said Nick. “I am not going again.” 

“I don’t think you have a choice,” said Lilac, as she held one of Solitude’s hands as they walked down the hall. 

Their first night with the shack had been awful, mainly because after they had spent time trying to find a hay bale that was not infested with angry and territorial crabs, they realized there was, indeed, not room for all six of them to lay down in the shack, so they took Solitude’s suggestion and slept outside, shivering in the cold and wishing they still had blankets. When they awoke to the schoolbells clanging in the morning, they groaned and sat up and managed to find the bathrooms to wash up as best they could before heading off to their separate destinations. 

Nick had not liked that he had to separate from Klaus and Solitude, and Violet basically had to drag him away while Soli called out that they were going to be  _ fine _ and he needed to stop worrying, and Lilac took Klaus’s hand as they walked down the hall and dragged him to Room Two. Solitude took Sunny’s hand and helped her walk to the administration building, still working on helping her walk on her own. 

In Room One, Violet and Nick were seated in the back of the class while the other students either ignored them or glared at them, with the exception of a boy who gave Violet a friendly smile and Nick a curious look, and Carmelita Spats, who was unfortunately seated right behind Violet and kept tossing erasers at her. Both Violet and Nick had been quietly horrified to discover that their teacher, Mr Remora, spent the entire class time talking about random stories that had happened to him, and then quizzing them on that. Nick looked completely and utterly bored out of his mind, as if he’d rather be back in the home of Count Olaf than here at the moment. 

In Room Two, Lilac and Klaus also sat in the back of the class, with only one girl giving them a smile before Ms Bass entered and started placing items in front of them, telling them to measure them, write down how long they were, and then quizzing them on what they’d just measured. Lilac kept playing with her braids, or braiding the unbraided part of her hair, and Klaus struggled to pay attention, unable to comprehend how on Earth this was supposed to be helpful to their education. 

Solitude and Sunny made their way to the administrative building and Soli sat at a typewriter and typed up whatever Nero dictated to her, which was usually letters to prestigious orchestras and other schools begging for attention. Sunny sat beside her, putting the letters in envelopes or stapling them together. Sometimes they’d switch up if Solitude saw a bug flying around and went to fetch it to feed to Babbitt, or if Sunny started getting bored and decided to bang on the keys for a bit. Once someone called, but after Sunny babbled her form of “Hello,” they hung up instantly. Soli suggested that it may have been a prank call, as Nero continued practicing his horrible violin playing. 

“It was awful.” Nick said. “We heard nothing but pointless stories.” 

“That’s just language arts.” Lilac shrugged. 

“We spent the morning writing meaningless measurements.” Klaus sighed. 

“That’s just math.” Violet said. “How was work, Sunny?” 

“Yuck,” said Sunny, who was carefully walking between Violet and Lilac, each holding one hand.  _ “Tedious.”  _

“Well, maybe lunch will be better.” Lilac said. 

“All my old friends who went to public school said the food sucked.” Violet said. “Ben said he threw up once.” 

“Well, this is  _ private _ school, maybe it’ll be different.” Lilac said. 

They turned a bend, and Nick put a hand on a locker on the wall as they passed. It almost instantly toppled over. 

“I somehow doubt that.” Nick said. 

They walked into the lunchroom, to see a huge lasagna, bigger than anything they’d ever seen; it seemed to be longer than all of them, if they stood on each others’ shoulders. Some lunch ladies were scooping parts out of a pan and slamming them onto plates for students. The Baudelaires got in line and tried to ignore the strange smell coming from the food, and Sunny put her hands over her ears to block out the noise of the other students running around and yelling towards each other, and Soli leaned against Nick and put a hand on Babbitt, who was hiding in her pocket. 

At the end of the lasagna line was a basket of fruit, but they all looked very strange, so even Lilac didn’t insist they take any. They each put a glass of milk on their tray, and started to wander the cafeteria, looking for an empty table. 

“Hey, orphans!” Carmelita Spats passed them by, flanked by two miserable-looking students. “There’s room at my table! Oh, but not for cakesniffing orphans like you!” 

“Still don’t know what that means.” Nick muttered, giving her a death glare and stepping a bit closer to Klaus. 

Carmelita gave him a glare, and then slammed her tray onto her table, and very loudly, she started chanting, “Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack!” 

Violet pressed herself against Lilac as Carmelita’s friends took up the chant, and so did several other students. Sunny, only barely gripping onto her tray of lunch, let out a huff of annoyance, and Soli stepped a bit closer to Carmelita, looking prepared to throw Babbitt at her; Nick responded by moving a leg in front of the toddler and pushing her back slightly. 

“Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphans Shack!” 

At that moment, a boy stepped out in front of them, yelling, “Oh, piss off, Carmelita!  _ You’re  _ the cakesniffer, and nobody in their right minds would associate with you!” 

Carmelita huffed, and the other students quietly glanced away. “Cakesniffing orphans stick together, looks like.” she said. 

“At least we have someone to stick with.” said a girl who looked frighteningly similar to the boy, moving to stand beside him. She glanced towards the Baudelaires, and Lilac and Klaus recognized her from their class. “Come on. We have a table in the corner.” she said. 

She grabbed the boy’s hand and dragged him off with her and, a little confused, the Baudelaires quickly followed. The boy and girl sat next to each other at a table, and after a moment, Klaus and Violet sat across from them, and Nick beside his siblings, picking up Solitude so she could sit by him. Lilac sat beside the new children, picking up Sunny and helping her with her meal. 

“You’ll have to ignore Carmelita.” the boy said. “She’s so horrible that Ms Bass is considering a life of crime. Isadora wrote a poem about her!” 

The girl smiled and pulled a small black notebook from her sweater pocket, flipping it open and reading aloud,  _ “I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats / Than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats.”  _

“That’s a couplet.” said Klaus excitedly. “Ogden Nash uses them.” 

The girl brightened. “I know! I’ve read all of his work!” 

“My name is Duncan Quagmire,” said the boy, “And this is my sister, Isadora.” 

“Well, I’m Lilac Baudelaire,” said Lilac, and then she started pointing around the table. “And these are my siblings Violet, Klaus, Nick, Solitude and Sunny.” 

“Timi!” shouted Sunny.  _ “It’s nice to meet you!”  _

“Whoa.” Duncan smiled slightly. “There sure are a lot of you.” 

“We get that a lot.” Violet nodded. 

“We should warn you,” Isadora said, “The apples taste like horseradish.” 

“Thanks for the warning.” Nick said. “You heard that, Soli?” 

“Roger!” Soli squeaked. 

Sunny narrowed her eyes. “Armoracia,” she muttered, which meant something like,  _ “That doesn’t sound right. Apples and Horseradish taste very differently.”  _

“You’re in our class.” Nick said, looking towards Duncan. 

Duncan nodded. “Mr Remora’s stories are awful, aren’t they? Why would we need to know all of that?” 

“It must be better than Ms Bass’s class.” Klaus said. “Why are we just measuring random things instead of learning calculations?” 

“I know!” Isadora nodded. “I usually just measure everything as fast as I can and then get to writing in my commonplace book.” 

“That’s a good idea. Wish we had notebooks.” Lilac said. “How long have you been here?” 

“A few weeks.” Duncan said quietly. “We got transferred here as soon as…” 

He glanced towards his sister, and she said, “We lost our parents in a terrible fire.” 

The Baudelaires fell silent. “We’re sorry to hear that.” Violet said softly. 

“We lost our parents in a fire as well.” Nick said. 

“It’s not fair.” Klaus said, glaring down at his lasagna. “One minute you’re… safe and happy, and the next-” 

“You’re in a shack full of crabs.” Isadora nodded. 

“Speaking of which, how did you deal with the crabs?” Violet asked. 

“It won’t matter, Vi, we can’t all fit in the shack.” Nick said. 

“We might be able to if we get all the crabs out.” Klaus said. 

“We couldn’t get them out,” Isadora said, “But we glued bits of metal to our shoes to make a tapping noise that scared them away.” 

“It was a bit exhausting, though,” Duncan said, “Keeping our feet tapping.” 

“Maybe we could build a noisemaker.” Violet said, starting to tie back her hair. “What about the fungus?” 

“I think there’s some stuff about it in the library, but it’s only accessible through the dorms.” Duncan said. “We could sneak some books out- oh! Or we could sneak you in! Once the librarian goes home, nobody goes in, we can climb through a window!” 

Klaus’s eyes lit up. “You’d help us sneak into a library?” 

“We sneak into rooms all the time.” Isadora shrugged. “The science room is creepy, though, there’s a bunch of statues that’re still there. The art room is pretty fun, though.” 

“Maybe we could sleep in the library.” Nick suggested. 

“It would take a bit longer to get to class,” Duncan said, “And you don’t want to be late, it’ll get hard to eat.” 

“I’ll just skip meals.” Nick said, leaning back. “This looks bad anyway. I’ll eat dirt.” 

“You absolutely will  _ not.”  _ Lilac said. 

“There’s probably some plants around here that aren’t dead.” 

“Nick,  _ no-”  _

“We’ll need a plan to get into the library.” Violet said. “Do you know how to unlock windows?” 

“A little.” Isadora shrugged. 

“I can get the windows,” Lilac said, “Should be an ordinary-enough pin-tumbler lock.” 

“Yeah, there’s no locks.” Duncan said. “Bonnie said that they fell off a few years ago and never got replaced.” 

“That’ll be way easier.” Lilac said. “Solitude, Sunny, you’ll have to be held by one of us, or helped in.” 

“It really shouldn’t be too hard.” Isadora shrugged. “Nobody ever goes in there, except us.” 

“You won’t have to do much work.” Duncan said. 

“Thank you so much.” Violet said. “We don’t know what we’d do if we hadn’t run into you two twins.” 

Duncan and Isadora fell silent. 

“Did I say something wrong?” Violet asked, knowing that she and Nick tended to do that a lot. 

“Twins.” Duncan said. 

“Is there something wrong with that?” Nick asked. “Klaus and I are twins. I’m older, by the way.” 

“Please shut up.” Klaus said. 

“We’re not twins.” Duncan said. 

“We’re triplets.” Isadora said. 

“Oh.” Violet said. “Wait, aren’t triplets three children born at once?” 

“Yeah.” Duncan nodded. “We are.” 

“Our…” Isadora stared hard at the table. “Our brother, Quigley, died in the fire with our parents.” 

“Oh.” said Klaus. 

“Oh.” said Nick and Sunny. 

“We’re very sorry to hear that.” Violet said. 

“You didn’t know.” Isadora shrugged. “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not.” Klaus reached over the table, putting one hand over Isadora’s hand and one over Duncan’s. “I know I’d feel awful if Nick wasn’t here and people stopped calling me a twin.” 

“I wouldn’t.” Nick said, though he clearly didn’t mean it. 

Lilac glanced at the triplets, noticing their sullen faces.  _ Shit, we need to lighten up this mood somehow.  _ Unfortunately, Lilac was not very good at social situations, so before she could stop herself, she said, very awkwardly, “I mean. If you want, you could take one of my siblings.” 

They all fell completely silent. After a moment, Lilac laughed a little, trying to clear the air. “Uh… please take one of them?” 

“Forgive her,” Violet said quietly, “She doesn’t know how to people.” 

Slowly, Isadora smiled. “It’s alright. Quigley probably would’ve said the same thing.” 

“He’s such an idiot.” Duncan smiled a little, staring at his food. His face fell, then, and he said, “But, um… anyway, we- while you’re here-” He glanced up at the boys. “I just… did I see you two? In the bathroom yesterday?” 

He looked over at the twins, and Klaus blushed a little as Isadora’s eyes widened. “Yeah, Klaus couldn’t tie his tie.” Nick said. “I remember.” 

“God, Duncan, you finally found your soulmate.” Isadora said, as she started digging into her pocket. “Maybe if you learned how to do it-” 

“Okay, so it is you?” Duncan raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, why?” Klaus bit his lip. “Did we do something wrong-?”

“Do you still have that spyglass?” 

The Baudelaires all froze. “What?” Violet asked. 

“You saw that?” Nick asked. 

“How’d you know it was a spyglass?” Klaus asked. 

“Because,” Isadora said, and as they watched, she pulled half a spyglass out of her pocket, a familiar Eye emblazoning the cover, “We have one, too.” 

The Quagmires and Baudelaires stared at each other for a good while. Then, slowly, Klaus pulled the half-spyglass from his pocket. He flipped it and held it out, and Isadora put hers against it. 

_ Click.  _

They fit together, into a full spyglass. 

There was more silence, and then Lilac said, “Where did you get that?” 

“From the ruins of our parents’ home.” Isadora said quietly. 

“Same with us.” Violet whispered. 

Klaus shut his eyes, and then said, “We need to talk somewhere nobody can listen in. Is the Orphans Shack safe?” 

“We can’t fit.” Lilac reminded him. 

“We can’t fit laying down.” Klaus said. “We could probably squeeze in if we’re sitting or standing.” 

“Nobody ever goes there.” Isadora nodded. “Let’s head out. Just toss your food, it sucks anyway.” 

“Can we eat dirt instead?” Nick asked. 

“I’m gonna kill you.” Lilac hissed, her face still a bit red from embarrassment. 

“You’ll have to catch me first!” Nick shouted, and like that, he took off running. 

“Oh, fuck yeah!” Isadora cheered, and she ran after him, whooping. 

Duncan sighed, and then looked to the remaining Baudelaires. “Is Nick just as wild as-” 

“Yes.” Violet said. 

“Oh, we’re in trouble.” Duncan said. “We just unleashed chaos.” 

“Trust me,” Klaus said, “We’re used to it.” 


	4. in which Duncan and Isadora break into a Library

**CHAPTER FOUR**

_ in which Duncan and Isadora break into a Library _

 

“Why would our parents have a spyglass?” 

Violet and Lilac were standing on hay bales, tying several pieces of metal they’d managed to swipe from the cafeteria to a makeshift mobile. Solitude and Sunny sat at their feet, playing with hay, as across from them, the Quagmire triplets sat with the twins, and Klaus fiddled with the spyglass. 

“And why would our parents have the same one?” Nick asked, meeting Isadora’s eyes. 

“I don’t think it’s just a spyglass.” Klaus said. “Look at these dials on the side. They look like they match up, like some kind of code-breaking device.” 

“Why would our parents have a device for cracking codes?” Duncan asked, leaning over Klaus’s shoulder to get a better look. 

“Aunt Josephine said our parents developed secret codes with her.” Lilac said, pushing back the ribbon that held back her hair. “Violet, hand me that fork. Sunny, are you-” 

Sunny grabbed onto a sheet of foil and bit into it a couple of times, poking some holes. She handed it to Violet, who said, “Thanks, Sunny!” 

“I mean, Father taught us some codes and stuff.” Isadora said. “But that was for fun.” 

“What codes you know?” Nick asked. 

“Morse, A1Z26, Atbash,” Duncan started counting on his fingers, “Sebald, some simple replacement ones-” 

“Klaus and I know a bunch of codes from our books.” Nick said. 

“You two are big readers, huh?” Duncan asked. 

“Well, a bit.” Nick shrugged. “I’m more into finding out about stuff I can go see. Klaus’s the big reader.” 

“I mean-” Klaus began. 

“He’s the family researcher.” Nick said. “We can’t get him to put books down.” 

“I’m a bit of a reader, too.” Duncan said. “My sister and I- well, Isadora reads poetry, but I want to be a journalist, so I take notes on everything I read-” 

“See? Researcher. Like Klaus.” Nick said. 

Klaus narrowed his eyes at his twin, trying to figure out what Nick was on about. “Is that… really important?” 

“Yes.” Nick said, and failed to elaborate. 

“Hold on.” LIlac said, wrapping the foil around a circle they’d managed to make. “I think we’ve got it. Vi, hit the lever.” 

Vi switched a lever they’d installed on the side of the shack, and as they watched, the makeshift mobile started to turn, a small light flicking on from the lightbulb Nick had dug out of the garbage and shining through the holes Sunny had bit for them. The pieces of metal they’d swiped clanged together, and although it wasn’t a very unpleasant sound, the crabs scuttling around the shack floor instantly retreated under the hay bales. 

“There. Now they’re gone and we can move.” Lilac sighed. 

“And,” Violet said, pulling her ribbon out of her hair and tossing her hair over her shoulder, “It gives the place some personality.” Isadora stared at Violet a moment, watching her hair fall over her shoulders, before biting her lip and glancing away. 

“It looks great!” Klaus said, grinning. 

“Yay!” Solitude cheered, and she held up Babbitt so they could see better. 

As she did, Duncan and Isadora jumped with shock, leaping back. “The hell is that?” Isadora asked. 

“It’s a frog.” Nick shrugged, as Sunny started to laugh. 

“It’s a Babbitt!” Soli cheered. 

“That’s Solitude’s pet frog.” Violet explained, sitting on the hay bale above her sisters, while Lilac sat beside her and picked up Sunny. “She’s been hiding them for a while.” 

“Secret pet!” Solitude nodded, excitedly. 

“Their name is Babbitt.” Klaus said. “They’re a… what species of frog are they again, Soli?” 

Solitude opened her mouth to answer, but Babbitt let out an excited chirp and hopped from her hands to the floor, and Soli giggled and got to her feet to start chasing them. 

“God. Wish we had a secret pet.” Isadora said. “That sounds like fun.” 

“Like a little cat.” Duncan said. “One of those feral ones that are super tiny.” 

“Or a dragon.” Isadora said. 

“Where would we get a dragon?” 

“I’d love a dragon.” Nick said. 

“Hell yeah!” Isadora’s eyes brightened. 

“We’re getting very off-topic.” Klaus said. “Spyglass? Parents’ secrets?” 

Nick rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a stick-in-the-mud, Klaus. We’re talking about dragons now.” 

“Aunt Josephine had a book that might’ve been useful.” Violet said. 

“Either of you hear of  _ An Incomplete History of Secret Organizations?”  _ Lilac asked. 

Duncan and Isadora shook their heads. 

“You have any previous guardians with the book?” Nick asked. 

“The executor of our parents’ estate just dropped us here as soon as she could,” Isadora said, “So all we’ve had since our house is this school, and if that book’s in the Library, we haven’t seen it.” 

“Well, then, let’s bust into the library.” Violet said. “We’ll search through it.” 

“Is the Librarian out yet?” Lilac asked. 

“Should be. She wanders around a lot.” Duncan said. 

“You don’t think anyone will notice?” Klaus asked worriedly. 

“Listen, Klaus,” Duncan said,  _ “Nobody  _ goes into the library. We’re fine. We could go now, if you like.” 

“Sounds good.” Lilac said. “We can talk more there. Solitude, get Babbitt out from under that hay bale or leave them here.” 

“Froggy! Come here!” Solitude called, holding out her hands. 

After Babbitt hesitantly hopped back into her pocket, Violet said, “We’ll turn off the mobile before we go. Give the crabs use of this stupid shack til we need it again.” 

“Maybe we should move them somewhere else.” Isadora suggested. 

“I think there’s a river out back. Maybe they’d like that.” Nick said. 

“That depends on if they’re freshwater crabs or not.” Klaus said. “Maybe we can look that up, too. Figure out the type.” 

“We could split up.” Isadora suggested. 

Nick stiffened and grabbed Klaus’s arm as they all started to head out. “Are you sure?” 

“It’s not a big library!” Duncan said quickly, picking up on his nervousness. “We won’t ever be out of each others’ sight.” 

“We can have someone looking for that book,” Lilac said, pulling out her ribbon again, “And someone looking for information on the crabs. We should probably also have someone looking up the fungus.” 

“I’ll take the crabs.” Nick said. “Should be similar to tide pools. I’ll take Soli with me, she might find it a little interesting.” 

“Snake?” 

“No, crabs aren’t reptiles. They’re arthropods.” 

“Ugh.” 

“I think Klaus and Duncan should take the fungus.” Violet said, sharing a look with Nick. “The rest of us can keep an eye out for that book.” 

“Why should we take the fungus?”

Violet held back a smile and shrugged, but Klaus quickly figured out what was going on. His face went red, and he glared at her, but Duncan said, “I’m fine with that,” so all he could do was shrug and keep shooting his siblings dark looks. 

“What does it look like?” Isadora asked, squinting in dim light from the darkening sky. 

“Really big.” Nick held out his arms to demonstrate. “Title’s emblazoned on the cover. Can’t miss it.” 

“We can check the library records.” Lilac said quietly. “Or a directory.” 

“I think the fungus would be 579.53 in the Dewey Decimal system.” Klaus said, adjusting his glasses slightly as they walked. “So we can check there. Crabs should be… marine animals, 591.77, I think.” 

“That doesn’t sound right, but I really don’t give a shit.” Nick shrugged. “We’ll find it, won’t we, Soli?” 

Solitude nodded, stroking Babbitt in her pocket. 

“It’s this way.” Isadora said, gesturing. “Come on, then. Let’s break and enter!” 

Violet’s eyes lit up. “Oh, hell yeah!” 

 

The Library was fairly small, but the lamps shaped like fish were still lit, and there were plenty of old, worn books, which, in Klaus’s opinion, were the best kinds of books. He and Duncan quickly managed to dig up the fungus section, and they sat in the corner, where they quickly found that the easiest way of doing research was for Klaus to read the chapters aloud as Duncan took notes in his green commonplace book. 

Nick and Solitude sat in another corner, while Nick quietly read to her about crabs. She wasn’t incredibly interested, but she did listen politely while she watched Babbitt hop around the new environment. Meanwhile, Lilac, Violet, Isadora and Sunny looked through all the shelves for the mysterious book. 

“The Incomplete History of Treachery?” Isadora asked, flipping a large book in her hands. 

“That’s not it.” Violet said. “But I did find the Incomplete History of Pretentiousness. We could throw this at someone if we ever needed a weapon.” 

“Livy!” called Sunny, which meant,  _ “I found the Incomplete History of History!”  _

“Still not what we’re looking for.” Lilac sighed. “This library may not have it, they don’t seem to have mu- holy shit, they’ve got  _ Frankenstein!”  _

“Lilac, stop looking at your goth shit!” Violet called. “Do something useful!” 

“Be quiet, we’re reading.” Klaus said sharply, before going back to his fungus books. 

“I can take a fungus book, if you like.” Lilac suggested. “If Violet’s gonna be a bitch.” 

“Oh, so I’m the bitch now?” 

“You’ve always been the bitch.” 

“Stop fighting and dig up that book!” Nick called. 

“Why don’t you do that?” Violet called. 

“We’re making sure we don’t kill our crabs!” 

“They’re not  _ our _ crabs!” 

“They are now!” 

“You guys are fun.” Isadora beamed, pulling a poetry book from the shelf. “Also, Li, you can read all the goth books you want. Those are the best.” 

Lilac brightened, running her fingers through her hair. “They are, aren’t they? You ever read  _ Carmilla?  _ I wrote an essay on that.” 

“I prefer  _ Dracula,  _ honestly. Though Carmilla is-” 

“Alright, Sunny,” Violet sighed, picking up her infant sister, “Looks like it’s just us staying on topic.” 

“Surprise.” Sunny giggled. 

“Yeah, it is.” Violet sighed. “You remember what the book looks like?” 

“Ye!” 

“Alright then. We’ll leave the goths to be goth.” 

Sunny giggled and started playing a bit with Violet’s hair as she moved among the shelves. She glanced back at Klaus and Duncan, who were hard at work, and Nick and Soli, who honestly weren’t, and Lilac and Isadora, who were now discussing  _ The Turn of the Screw  _ at great length. 

“Maybe this school doesn’t have to suck.” she said hopefully. Sunny shrugged and kept playing with her sister’s hair. 

 

They didn’t find the book, but they got plenty of information on the fungus in the shack- it looked like they could just steal some salt to stunt the growth- and on the crabs- they were freshwater, so if they could find a way to collect them, they could release them into a river. 

“We can cause a diversion so you can break into the kitchens tomorrow.”  Duncan promised as they snuck out of the library, heading back for the shack. “Steal the salt, maybe some extra food.” 

“You could look for a cage for the crabs.” Isadora said. 

“Eracs.” Solitude suggested, which meant something like,  _ “Perhaps Babbitt could chase them into a bag.”  _

“I dunno if they’d be scared of such a small frog.” Duncan said, smiling at the toddler, “But maybe they could make themself look scarier.” 

Solitude looked excited as she said, “Gerson!” which meant,  _ “We could give them fake fangs or something!”  _

“That might be interesting.” Lilac nodded. 

“Vampire frog!” Nick cheered. 

“Vampire froggy!” Soli echoed. 

“Actually, Soli,” Klaus asked, “Are there fanged frogs?” 

Solitude went into a garbled rant about different types of frogs, then, that continued all the way back to the Orphans Shack. 

When they arrived, Violet said, “Thank you guys for helping us out. You didn’t have to do any of that.” 

“What are friends for?” Duncan shrugged, and Klaus grinned.  

“Any excuse to piss off Carmelita.” Isadora shrugged. 

“Yeah, she seems like a little bitch.” Nick said. “What’s the best way to annoy her?” 

“Well,” Isadora said, “She really doesn’t like being contradicted. You can’t do much to her directly, because she’ll tell on you and get in trouble, but if you’re passive-aggressive-” 

“Please stop telling Nick how to annoy someone.” Lilac said. 

Isadora gave her a look. “But that’s the best way to bond.” 

“I like you!” Nick cheered. “If you’re gonna take one of us like Lilac suggested, can you take me? We can be siblings!” 

Lilac’s face went red again, and Isadora said, “We’ll get back to you in seven to ten business days. Which are normal days, since we don’t have weekends here.” 

“Son of a bitch.” Violet said. 

“Well,” Nick said, “If I don’t get adopted, I can still be your brother. We just have to get Klaus and Duncan married.” 

Klaus went as red as Lilac and immediately started shouting curse words, while Duncan just started blubbering. 

“Deal.” Isadora said. “Arranged marriages are fun.” 

“Oh my God,  _ no!”  _ Lilac shouted. “No! Nick, no! No, you’re all babies, no!” 

_ “Nick!”  _ Klaus finally managed to say. 

“Isa,  _ why?”  _ Duncan said. 

Violet, meanwhile, burst into laughter, followed quickly by Sunny and Soli. 

It was nice to have something to actually laugh about. For a moment, they could forget all the secrets and fears, and laugh about embarrassing their siblings. 

They said goodnight to the Quagmires, and went into the shack, finally managing to find a way to all squeeze in now that they didn’t have to worry about the crabs. 

“So.” Lilac said, as soon as they were all settled in. “You  _ do _ know that none of you are allowed to date, right?” 


	5. in which the children run amok at Prufrock Prep

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_in which the children run amok at Prufrock Prep_

 

Nick, indeed, found a way to skip class. To be fair, his siblings never should have doubted his determination.

“You see,” he explained, from the roof of one of the school buildings, after his siblings had finally found the staircase he took to lead them there, “The only punishment for being late for or missing class is getting your hands tied at meals. So if I skip meals, I don’t get punished, and I can hide up here with books and throw rocks at people.”

“That’s a horrible plan.” Lilac said, even as she passed him some cold grilled cheese they’d smuggled out for him. “I don’t approve at all.”

“You’re going to get shit grades.” Violet said, tossing him a milk carton.

“And eventually Nero’s gonna notice we only sit at the violin recital for an hour before sneaking out the back to raid the kitchens.” Nick shrugged. “Who gives a fuck? We’re only here til Poe finds someone to dump us on. Not like it matters.”

“You’re lucky.” Isadora said, sitting on the edge of the roof and kicking her legs as she looked down at the dying grass fields. “Our parents’ estate’s executor doesn’t give a fuck until orphans are ‘in’, whatever the hell that means.”

“Meaning we’re here til we _die.”_ Duncan said dramatically, flopping onto his back beside Klaus, who was flipping through the library books Nick had smuggled out.

“I’m sure it’ll get better.” Lilac said comfortingly, though she glared at Solitude as she crawled out of her sister’s lap and moved over to Nick.

“Not likely.” Isadora said. _“The world has shrunk to shades of gray / So here in hell is where we’ll stay.”_

“I’m not sure ‘shrunk’ is the right word.” Duncan said, sitting up again. “Maybe try ‘turned.’”

“Seems boring.” Isadora shrugged.

“‘The world is fucked.’” Nick suggested.

“Enoz.” Sunny said. _“That doesn’t rhyme.”_

Isadora considered. _“The world is fucked and I am gay.”_

“There we go!” Nick cheered.

“Poem works for me and Lilac, too.” Klaus laughed slightly.

“Same!” Duncan called, which did nothing to discourage Nick from trying to push Klaus closer to Duncan; Klaus responded by elbowing his brother in the ribs.

Violet considered. _“The world is fucked and I am bi…”_

 _“So here in hell is where we’ll die.”_ Isadora finished, and Violet high-fived her.

Lilac groaned. “None of you are going to behave at all, are you?”

“Never!” Nick and Violet both cheered.

Lilac sighed, and then Violet said, “Oh, Li, we might need more metal for the mobile. Some of the crabs are getting bolder.”

Lilac paused. “Could we use my necklace?”

“No, no, we’ll find something else.”

Isadora looked up. “Oh, yeah. That necklace is pretty.”

“Thank you.” Lilac smiled. “I made it.”

“It was the first thing she learned how to make.” Klaus explained proudly.

Lilac giggled. “Yeah. Mom used to have one just like it, except instead of these gear patterns, it had her initials. I always thought it was pretty, but she never let me wear it, so I learned how to make my own. She was… so proud.”

They fell silent, realizing once again how long it had been since they’d seen their parents, and how they would never, in this life, see them again.

“Well,” Lilac said quietly, “We do have to get out. Classes, you know, and the girls have work-”

“I’m staying here.” Nick said. “I like throwing rocks at Carmelita when she comes outside.”

“Nick!”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Nick said, grabbing _Les Miserables_ and starting to flip to where he left off, “Can you bring me more rocks next time you visit?”

“Visit? Okay, Nick,” Violet said, “You’re not living here.”

“Why not?”

_“Nick!”_

 

Classes continued to be just as boring as they had been day one, so it was probably a good thing that Nick skipped, because otherwise he might have lost his mind. Lilac only managed to pay attention by continuously braiding and unbraiding her hair, and Klaus kept doodling on the edge of his page and trying to think about books, or tossing notes at Isadora while Ms Bass’s back was turned. Violet and Duncan passed notes to each other, too, though occasionally they were distracted by Carmelita sitting behind one of them and continuously kicking their seat. Sunny and Soli did their best to keep up with Nero’s instructions and demands, even though they were starting to run low and staples and it was apparently not in the budget to replace them.

Whenever they weren’t smuggling books out of the library or smuggling food for Nick out of the kitchens- and salt as well, since they discovered it stunted the growth of the shack’s fungus- they went to go sit on the roof with Nick. Him and Isadora would toss things off the roof and then run to fetch them, usually to see how fast they’d fall, but sometimes they’d aim something at Carmelita or one of her lackeys. Duncan and Klaus would sit in the middle, with Klaus reading aloud from some novel or another and Duncan taking notes in his commonplace book. Solitude would usually stick with Nick, though she sometimes would let Babbitt out and chase them around the roof, much to Lilac’s discomfort. Lilac herself would work on building a makeshift cage for the crabs with Violet, or would join Klaus and Duncan in reading. If Violet wasn’t working on the cage, made out of scraps they’d smuggle out of the garbage or kitchens, she’d either join Nick and Isadora or play games with Sunny, depending on if Sunny was taking a nap or not.

“I think we’ll need more metal to work with.” Violet said on the third or fourth day, slowly pulling her ribbon out of her hair. “The crabs could easily escape at this point, and we don’t want to lose any.”

“Wright!” Sunny called, which meant, _“We also don’t want to get pinched!”_

“Good point, Sunny.” Violet said.

“Although,” Duncan shrugged, “Sunny could just bite them.”

Klaus laughed, and Sunny let out a cheer and clapped a little. She had never bitten a crab before, and she wondered what it was like.

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Lilac said, putting down her book. “Also, Nick, put Babbitt down, they would _not_ survive the fall.”

“Well,” Nick said gruffly, even as he handed the frog over to Solitude, “How are we supposed to know for sure until we test it out?”

“You’re not killing your sister’s pet!”

“They’d be _fine.”_

“Babbitt strong!” Solitude said, though she did place her frog firmly onto her shoulder, where they laid against the fabric of her uniform to take a nap.

“Babbitt cannot survive a fall to the ground.” Lilac insisted. “None of us could.”

“I think Quigley could’ve made it.” Isadora sighed. “He used to make his own parachutes and jump off the roof.”

“I seem to recall forbidding him from doing that.” Duncan said.

“Do you think that stopped him?”

Violet smiled slightly, and then said, “I tried to do that once. Lilac practically chained me to a chair.”

“I would’ve, if Mom and Dad hadn’t asked me why I needed chains.” Lilac said.

Violet blinked at her. “Wait, I thought you were kidding about-”

“Maybe we could toss the spyglass.” Isadora said, glancing towards Klaus, who’d been elected to hold it for all of them. “See if that makes it do anything.”

“I can’t figure out what the dials do,” Klaus said, “But I seriously doubt it would fare well dropping to the ground.”

“Oh! That reminds me!” Isadora interrupted, looking up from her notebook. “I was just writing a poem about your old pal Count Olaf, but I can’t think of words terrible enough to describe him.”

“Fuckface.” Nick said.

“Maybe.” Isadora considered. “What rhymes with ‘fuckface’?”

“Language, you two.” Lilac said half-heartedly. “And, Isadora, Duncan, you remember what we said-”

“We _know.”_ Duncan sighed. “If Count Olaf comes, you don’t want us anywhere near him.”

“We really don’t.” Klaus said carefully. “Not because we don’t trust you can take care of yourselves, but because we’ve seen him kill before. He won’t hesitate to hurt you, and we don’t want that to happen.”

“We get it.” Isadora shrugged. “You don’t have to keep reminding us.”

“Although, honestly,” Duncan said, “We really don’t see why you haven’t just killed him yet.”

“See!” Nick said, validated. “Damn it, Klaus, fucking marry this kid!”

“Will you _shut the fuck up?”_

Isadora laughed, and Lilac said, “Nobody’s getting married! Nick, you’re grounded!”

“You can’t ground me, we don’t have shit!”

“I’ll force you to go to class!”

“Good luck with that!”

Klaus sighed and went back to reading aloud, and Duncan quietly kept taking notes; they weren’t reading anything important, really, just a copy of _Lord of the Flies,_ but Duncan liked journaling, and Klaus liked reading, so it was an effective way to hang out. Sunny rolled over and tried to take a nap, and Soli giggled and petted Babbitt under the shade of a chimney. Lilac got up to chase Nick around a little, and Violet giggled and got back to work on her cage.

 

“Okay, Soli,” Nick said, “If Duncan and Klaus are gonna break you into the library, you have to _tell me first.”_

It was day five or six, and they were sitting inside the Orphans Shack as night fell. Solitude was looking for Babbitt under hay bales, and she shrugged and said, “Snakes.”

“Yeah, I don’t care if you all were looking at herpetology books,” Nick said, turning to glare at Klaus, “I don’t like not knowing where you two are, and if you’re not coming to the roof after class, at least tell Violet and Lilac and Sunny so they can tell _me-”_

“Nick, you’re not our parent.” Klaus said. “You’re not even Lilac.”

“What’s that supposed to mean-?” Lilac asked.

“I’m older than you, though, so I’m responsible.”

“By _thirteen minutes!_ Besides, I’m more responsible than you!”

“Why? Cause you’re _taller?”_

_“For fuck’s sake, Nick-”_

“Everyone shut up.” Violet groaned, flopping back onto a hay bale. “Stop being grumps.”

“We’re not grumps, you’re the grump!” Klaus shouted.

“If you don’t stop fighting right now,” Lilac warned, “I’m going to lock you in this shack and turn off the mobile.”

They all groaned, and then Nick said, “Okay, fine. I’m sorry, Klaus. But if you want a chaperone for your and Duncan’s date, don’t ask the toddler.”

“It wasn’t a date!” Klaus protested.

“Pey.” Soli looked up from the ground, giggling. _“Um, I was there, and it totally was.”_

“No!” Lilac said, as Violet and Sunny laughed. “None of you can date! You’re babies!”

“If we’re babies,” Violet said, sitting up, “Then what does that make Soli and Sunny?”

“Fetuses, keep up.”

Violet _hmm_ ed. “What about Isadora?”

“What about her?”

“She’s kinda cute, isn’t she?”

“Stop it!” Lilac huffed.

Klaus bit his lip, glancing at the ground. He slowly picked up Sunny, who giggled and leaned against him, and then he said, “When do you think we’ll leave?”

They fell silent. Then, Lilac said, “Whenever Mr Poe finds us a guardian.”

“Uoc.” Sunny said. _“Or whenever Olaf finds us.”_

None of them wanted to think about that.

 

“So, let’s go over this one more time.” Duncan said, sitting cross-legged on a hay bale. “We steal a tray from the kitchen, use it to complete the cage, turn on the mobile and then have Babbitt and Soli and Sunny chase the crabs into it, race them to the river, dump them there, and then leave the cage on the roof?”

“In case I wanna catch birds.” Nick nodded, kicking at the door of the shack.

“You’re not catching birds.” Lilac said. “Even if you wanted to, you would suck at it. We’ll leave the cage in the shack in case we need it again.”

“We could use it as a time-out spot for Sunny and Soli.” Klaus suggested.

“Boo!” Solitude shouted.

“Fisa!” Sunny shouted, meaning, _“Ha! As if you could contain us!”_

“I could totally catch a bird.” Nick muttered under his breath.

“I hope the crabs will be happy in the river.” Violet said, leaning her head against  the wall.

“I don’t see why they wouldn’t be. They won’t get scared by loud noises or annoyed by orphans.” Isadora sighed.

“Hopefully it doesn’t confuse them too much.” Klaus said.

Duncan shrugged. “I doubt it would. Crabs tend to adapt fast. You said that in the book we read last night, remember?”

Klaus blushed slightly, trying very hard not to look at his siblings. “Yeah, right.”

“I have notes on it, if you-”

“No, I remember.”

Solitude giggled, and then Nick stood up abruptly. “Be right back.” he said, leaving the Shack real quick. His siblings were a bit concerned, as they didn’t quite like splitting up at the moment, but he was probably just using the bathroom, and besides, Nick did whatever he wanted anyway.

“Oh, Carm was being annoying this morning.” Isadora said, leaning over onto Violet’s shoulder and groaning. “Apparently we’re getting our new gym teacher this afternoon, since our last one fell out a window. She said he was gonna make us orphans do laps around the school while everyone else got pizza.”

“We don’t get pizza here.” Duncan said.

“Just ignore her.” Lilac said. “Bullies just want attention.”

“If we ignore her, she puts gum in my hair.” Duncan said.

Klaus looked very upset. “She does _what?”_

“It’s fine, we got it out.”

“We should kill her.” Violet said.

“Yay!” Sunny clapped.

“We should _not!”_ Klaus said. “But… maybe we could hit her a little?”

“Do you all _want_ to get expelled?” Lilac asked.

“Yes.” they all said.

They heard a tapping on the door, and Violet stood up to open it. As she did, Isadora and Duncan groaned.

“Speak of the devil.” Isadora huffed.

Violet opened the door and found herself face-to-face with Carmelita Spats. “Hello, cakesniffers!” she said, beaming. “I have a message for you!”

“Hello, Carmelita.” Violet said. “We don’t give a shit.”

“You _should.”_ Carmelita said, glancing around the occupants of the shed. “Vice Principal Nero says that he wants all the orphans in his office right now. You’re invited, so unfortunately you won’t be punished at dinner tonight for going to the administration building.”

“Why does he want to see us?” Lilac asked.

“Hopefully he’s expelling you.” Carmelita said. “Now, because I delivered a message, who’s going to give me a tip?”

“Nick’s not here to give you a tip, Carmelita.” Klaus said.

“I don’t want his stupid book recommendations.” Carmelita said. “I’m an _actress,_ all I need to read is scripts, and that’s if I’m not doing improv, and that’s-”

“I will throw a crab in your face if you don’t shut up right now.” Isadora said.

“I’ll throw Babbitt!” Solitude warned, reaching to grab her frog.

“I don’t know what a ‘Babbitt’ is,” Carmelita rolled her eyes, “But you can’t do anything to me because then you’ll be in _trouble.”_ She sang the last word, and then said, “You should probably get over to the office before you’re _late.”_

She turned, and then shocked them by letting out a startled scream. She spun and started running, and everyone jumped to their feet, as Klaus grabbed Sunny and held her tight. Duncan grabbed Klaus’s arm, and Isadora and Violet stepped in front of Soli as Lilac pushed herself in front of everyone else.

But all they saw, as Carmelita ran, was Nick stumbling back towards the shack. They didn’t understand what had scared Carmelita so much until Nick turned towards them, and they also let out startled shouts.

 _“Nick Liam Baudelaire, what the_ hell _is that?”_ Lilac shouted.

Nick grinned, holding out his hands, in which was clamped a very angry and very  energetic crow. “I caught a bird!”

“Oh my _god!”_ Duncan said.

“Awesome!” Isadora shouted.

“Where the hell-” Klaus began.

“Birdy!” Sunny clapped.

“For fuck’s sake!” Violet cried.

“Nick, you idiot!” Lilac shouted. “Let the bird go!”

Nick shrugged and released the crow, which flew directly into the shack. Isadora and Sunny let out cheers, Violet and Duncan screamed, Soli gripped Babbitt very tightly in her fist, and Lilac and Klaus instantly grabbed the hands of whoever was closest to them and started running.

Nick thought this was very, very funny, until everyone was out of the shack, and Lilac and Violet decided it would be great revenge to throw their schoolbooks at him.

 

“What do you think the Vice Principal wants to see us about?” Klaus asked.

“Maybe he’s finally letting you move into the dorms.” Duncan said hopefully.

“Maybe he’s gonna expel us.” Violet said, just as hopefully.

“Marbeau,” said Sunny, meaning, _“Maybe they’ve finally opened a daycare or toddler school.”_

“Maybe Mr Poe is going to take you to your next foster home.” Isadora said. “And we’ll be alone again.”

“Hey!” Nick punched her shoulder. “We’re not ditching you! We’ll just ask Mr Poe if you can come with us!”

“He won’t let us,” Lilac said, “But that doesn’t mean we’ll just leave you here.”

“We’ll smuggle you out in the car trunk.” Violet said.

“Or we could just make Poe think there’s been eight children the whole time.” Klaus said.

“He’s probably dumb enough to believe that.” Nick nodded.

“Fake siblings!” Isadora cheered, high-fiving Nick as Violet held open the door for them to Nero’s office.

They stepped inside and heard Nero’s violin come to a quick halt. “Who _dares_ interrupt a musical genius while he’s rehearsing?”

“You said you wanted to speak with us-” Violet said, but she hastily cut herself off as she saw who was standing beside the Vice Principal.

Lilac instantly pushed Isadora behind Violet, before moving in front of both of them, as if to shield them herself. Klaus’s eyes widened and he pushed Duncan back, as Nick instantly grabbed onto Solitude and retreated several steps. Sunny let out a growl, which turned into a yelp of annoyance as Violet lifted her up.

“Ah, yes,” Nero said, not even noticing the Baudelaires’ sudden panic, nor the Quagmires’ confusion. “Our new gym teacher has requested to meet all the orphans for his new program. Isn’t that right, Coach Genghis?”

A man nodded from where he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed. He gave a chilling smile to the Baudelaires, and his familiar eyes shone. A turban covered his one eyebrow, and he had worn gym shoes covering his tattooed ankle, but for the Baudelaires, there was no mistaking who he was.

“Hello, orphans,” said Count Olaf. “I can’t wait to tell you what I have planned.”


	6. in which the Baudelaires have Gym Class

**CHAPTER SIX**

_in which the Baudelaires have Gym Class_

 

“This is Coach Genghis.” Nero said. “He’s our new gym teacher, and he says he has a special program for orphans.”

“Yes,” said Count Olaf, turning to smile wickedly at the Baudelaires. He was faking some kind of southern accent. “My Special Orphans Running Exercises- or SORE. You see, orphans require special attention to exercise their Mother-and-Father-less legs.”

“That doesn’t sound right.” Isadora said, looking at Lilac in confusion as the older girl pushed her back farther.

 _“That doesn’t sound right.”_ Nero mocked. “What do children like yourself know? Coach Genghis is a private instructor and life coach, he knows far more about exercise than you.”

“Is that so?” Violet asked, slowly stepping around Lilac’s arm. She had a very forced smile on her face. “You’re our… new gym teacher, Coach Genghis?”

“Violet?” Klaus hissed.

“That I am.” Coach Genghis said.

“It’s funny.” Violet said. “You almost looked like Count Olaf, but that’s impossible. We have the computer.”

“Of course we do.” Olaf looked a bit pleased, and Violet’s siblings suddenly realized what she was doing, just as the Quagmires realized exactly what was going on. Isadora grabbed onto Lilac’s arm, and Duncan grabbed Klaus’s and glared down Olaf.

“It’s kind of funny, to think you might be Count Olaf,” said Lilac, stepping closer with Violet. “You look nothing like him, now that we can see you.”

“Yes.” Klaus stepped forward. “Count Olaf has one long eyebrow, and your eyebrows are covered by a turban.”

“And he has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle, but you have gym shoes.” Nick said.

“Yes.” Olaf said, smiling a little. “As you can see, I show none of the traits of Count Olaf.”

“It’d be so funny,” Violet said, moving even closer, “If we removed your turban, just to see you had two eyebrows instead of one.”

“Ferragamo,” said Solitude, as Nick hesitantly stepped forwards. _“Or if we removed your shoes, just to see you had no tattoo.”_

“What my sister means-” Nick began.

“It doesn’t matter what she means.” Coach Genghis swiftly stepped away from the approaching children. “I cannot remove this turban for religious reasons, and I cannot remove my shoes without being considered rude. You don’t want smelly feet in the genius Vice Principal’s office.”

“Quite right!” said Vice Principal Nero. “Coach Genghis, why don’t you tell- wait. How many orphans did you need again?”

Coach Genghis paused, glancing around the group. “Six. There are six here, aren’t there?”

“No, there’s eight. The infant secretaries count.”

“Ah, I forgot about them.” Olaf narrowed his eyes. “Who are these two extra kids?”

Klaus once again stepped in front of Duncan, and Lilac retreated several steps to shield Isadora.

“Um…” Duncan glanced towards the Baudelaires, not entirely sure what they should do.

“We’re the other orphans.” Isadora said, quickly moving beside Lilac. “Isadora and Duncan Quagmire. Whatever you have for them, you can give it to us, too.”

“No!” Lilac whispered, as Violet gasped and stepped towards her.

“I only have room for six orphans in my program.” Coach Genghis said sharply, looking over the Quagmires. The second his eyes landed on Isadora, Lilac let out what sounded like a growl, and she once again pushed Isadora slightly behind her. “I’ll take the siblings. Should make things easier to remember. I don’t have room for two extra twins.”

“We’re _not twins.”_ Duncan said sharply.

“Our brother Quigley-” Isadora began.

 _“Our brother Quigley died in a fire.”_ Nero imitated, rolling his eyes. “Find something more pleasant to talk about, will you?”

Olaf looked slightly interested, but he said, “Yes, like my Special Orphans Running Program. You children are to report to the field tonight for your first lesson.”

“Which does not excuse you from my mandatory violin recital.” Nero said. “You all will owe me quite a lot of candy.”

“Now,” said Coach Genghis, “If you don’t show up, you’ll fail the class, and if you fail too many classes, you’ll be expelled, won’t you?”

Lilac gave him a dark look, and said, “Of course. We never miss class.”

“Ever.” said Nick, unconvincingly.

“Now, scram, before you’ve overstayed your welcome and your glasses are taken away at meals.” Nero said. “I have to go back to practicing my violin for tonight’s recital, and Coach Genghis has offered to listen.”

“Yes.” Genghis said, looking ever-so-slightly displeased. “I will see you tonight, orphans.”

Lilac gave him a dark look, and then said, in her best fake-sweet voice, “Of course, Coach Genghis. We look forward to it.” She grabbed Violet and Isadora’s hands and dragged them off, and Nick quickly pushed Klaus and Duncan to follow her. Solitude gave Olaf a long glare, and Sunny looked very much like she’d like to flip him off.

 

As soon as they were in the hallway, they took off at a run, and didn’t stop until they made it back to the Orphans Shack. Lilac shut the door, and said, “Nick, you better be glad that bird’s not still here, or I would have _killed_ you. On top of everything else-”

“He found us.” Klaus said, sinking to the floor and putting his head in his hands as Violet flicked the mobile on. “He found us.”

“We knew he probably would.” Lilac said, taking Sunny from Violet and sitting on a haybale. “It was only a matter of time.”

“That was Count Olaf?” Duncan asked.

“Oh, yeah.” Nick said. “In another shitty disguise.”

“Bad man!” Solitude said, crossing her arms and huffing as Babbitt jumped from her pocket to her shoulder.

“How can he get our fortune as a gym teacher?” Violet pulled her ribbon from her pocket, starting to tie her hair back to think better.

“There’s treachery lurking in most exercise programs.” Klaus said.

“I seriously doubt that man is qualified to be a gym teacher.” Isadora said, sitting inbetween Lilac and Violet.

“What the hell are we supposed to do?” Violet asked.

“We could run away.” Duncan suggested. “When Isadora and I come of age, we’ll inherit the Quagmire Sapphires, and be able to live on our own.”

“But that’s five years from now.” Lilac said. “And I won’t get our fortune for another three.”

“Maybe we could find a way to make money.” Duncan said. “We could build a printing press and make our own newspaper.”

“I would love to build a printing press.” Violet said wistfully.

“And I’d love to write for it.” Klaus said.

“I could do a poetry section.” Isadora said. “And I feel like Nick would wanna do the comics.”

“Hell yeah, I would.” Nick nodded.

“We can’t just sit here and daydream.” Lilac said softly, pushing a braid behind her ear. “Count Olaf is here, he’s infiltrated the school, and we need to find out what he’s planning so we can stop it. Nick, if you want to skip gym-”

“No way.” Nick shook his head. “I’m not leaving you all alone with _him.”_

“We can sneak out of the violin recital.” Isadora said. “And keep watch on you. Make sure he doesn’t try anything.”

“No.” Violet said. “No, we don’t want you anywhere near him.”

“Count Olaf is dangerous.” Klaus said. “He’s killed our guardians before, he’s tried to kill _us.”_

“We can’t ask you to risk your lives for us.” Lilac added.

“You can’t ask us to just sit aside and let him hurt you!” Isadora said.

Duncan added quickly, “We’re going to help you, whether you like it or not. We’re not losing you.”

He and Isadora shared a sad look, and it was understood quickly that there was a _too_ at the end of that sentence. Violet put a hand over Isadora’s, and Klaus said, “Okay, but we don’t want you too close. We can’t lose you, either.”

“Just watch.” Lilac said. “If anything happens, Duncan, use your journalism skills to report on it. Don’t try to interfere if you could get hurt. Just remember that he wouldn’t kill us, he can’t get our fortune if we’re dead.”

“Uno.” Sunny said unhelpfully, which meant something like, _“Well, he only needs one of us alive.”_

Lilac shuddered, and Nick said, “Thanks for that, Sunshine.”

“Nopro.” Sunny shrugged.

“Well, guess we’ll find out what he’s planning tonight.” Isadora said. “Should we break into the kitchens and arm ourselves with knives?”

“Yes.” Violet said.

“No, they’ll notice too much missing silverware.” Lilac said.

“Yeah, but we should totally steal knives.” Nick said. “At least a couple?”

“They won’t be sharp enough to do damage with.”

“Boker.” Sunny said. _“Unless we take the cooking knives.”_

“Why do I let you all suggest anything?” Lilac groaned.

 

That night, at sundown, the Baudelaires walked to the field. Lilac had actually let Violet and Nick take knives from the kitchens- as much as she hated to admit it, they were probably the ones who could use them best. Solitude kept Babbitt in her pocket, where the frog had already fallen asleep, and Sunny kept biting onto whatever she could to sharpen her teeth. Lilac, meanwhile, ran over everything in her head, trying to figure out a way to get her siblings safe should Olaf try anything violent. Her ribbon might be long enough to strangle someone with, or at least distract for long enough that the others could escape. Sunny was getting better at walking, though she was still mostly crawling, so someone would need to carry her. Probably Solitude, too, though she could move pretty fast.

When they got to the field, Count Olaf stood there, still in his ridiculous gym teacher disguise, in front of some buckets of white paint. As they approached, he said, “Ah, orphans. You’re late.”

“We’re on time, actually.” Klaus said, glaring at him. “You said to be here at sundown. It’s sundown.”

“My mistake. I heard someone refer to the _late_ Baudelaires. They must have been talking about your parents.”

Nick bristled, and Violet said quickly, “Alright, cut the bull. Nobody else is here, Olaf, so you can tell us exactly what the hell you’re up to.”

“Vi!” Lilac hissed.

“Why,” Olaf said, momentarily dropping his false accent and putting a cold hand on Violet’s shoulder, “I’m simply trying to give you a good education, my dear Violet.”

Lilac reached forwards, ripping his arm away from her sister, and she said in a low growl, “Put your hands on her again and I’ll rip your fucking fingers off.”

“Lilac, that’s no way to talk to your gym teacher.”

“You’re not a gym teacher any more than you were a herpetologist or a Captain or a secretary.” Nick said.

“Au contraire, orphan,” said Olaf, “I’ve been hired to teach physical education, which makes me a gym teacher. Now, I’m going to need you to take this white paint and make a large circle in the field.”

The Baudelaires stared at him in confusion. “Excuse me?” Klaus said, as Solitude said, “Wha?”

“Take this white paint,” Olaf said, very slowly, as if they were unable to hear him, “And make a large circle in the field. From about here to… over there.” he gestured to an area far away. “Get to work, orphans.”

The younger Baudelaires turned to Lilac, who took a deep breath and then walked towards the paint cans, picking up a brush and looking it over, as if trying to determine if there was something in it that could hurt them. Then she nodded, and she and Klaus both grabbed a brush and started painting a circle in the grass. Nick followed Klaus, holding tightly onto Solitude with one hand and picking up a paint can with the other, while Violet did the same with Sunny and the other can. It took them a while, but eventually they made a large circle on the ground.

They placed the cans near some bleachers, and then Coach Genghis, who was sitting on the steps, said, “Now. I want you all to run laps around the circle.”

“What?” Violet and Klaus both said.

“Run laps around the circle.” he once again spoke slowly and loudly.

“How many laps?” Lilac asked.

“Until I blow my whistle.” said Olaf. “Now get running.”

“But-” Nick began.

“Get _running._ Or would you like to find out what happens if you don’t?”

Violet reached slowly for her pocket, but Lilac gave her a subtle headshake and then said, “Whatever you say, _Coach Genghis.”_

Then the siblings moved to the circle, and started running.

 

“I,” Nick said, “Hated every fucking second of that.”

The Baudelaires had run in a circle all night- by the time Olaf finally blew the whistle, Babbitt had awoken and fallen back to sleep twice, Klaus had almost collapsed in exhaustion, and Lilac had thought that, for the first time, she was grateful her normal outfits had been packed away in exchange for a uniform that was better for running.

When Olaf finally dismissed them, the Baudelaires found that it was just about time for them to go to class.

“I’ve never been more tired in my life.” Klaus said. He glanced over the edge of the roof they sat on, blinking away exhaustion.

“Same.” Solitude groaned, leaning on his leg, about to fall asleep.

“I was so fucking bored.” Nick said. “I never thought running for my life could be boring, but it _was.”_

“Duncan and I traded off watching you all.” Isadora said. “Just to see when he’d try something. But he was just having you run laps all night.”

“I could barely pay attention in class.” Violet groaned, flopping over and leaning against Isadora.

“I wish he’d killed us.” Nick groaned.

Isadora smiled a little, looking down at her notebook. _“It would be a stroke of luck / If Coach Genghis were to be hit by a truck.”_

“God, it would.” Lilac sighed. “But we have to get back to class; if we’re late, we’re in trouble. Nick, are you still skipping?”

“Yes,” Nick said, “And I’m spending the whole day sleeping instead of throwing shit at kids on the ground.”

“Good for you.” Klaus said glumly. “Come on, girls, let’s get you to work.”

“Tik,” said Sunny, meaning, _“No! Typing and stapling is so hard when we’re tired!”_

“Stay with Nick!” Solitude protested.

“I’d like to stay, too, but we don’t wanna be late. Hopefully Mr Poe will find us a guardian soon and get us out of here.” Lilac said.

“Can’t Soli stay with me, at least?” Nick asked. “Why does Nero need two secretaries?”

“Say goodbye to Nick, Solitude.” Lilac said, grabbing the toddler’s hand and dragging her to her feet.

“Ugh.” Solitude groaned, as Klaus picked up Sunny.

“See ya later, bud.” Isadora said, punching Nick on the shoulder. “We can throw rocks at Carm tonight, how’s that?”

“Sounds fun.” Nick nodded, yawning. “Wake me up when it’s time.”

The rest of the kids descended the staircase to get to class, and Duncan said, “It doesn’t make sense. Why would he make you run laps all night?”

“Maybe he doesn’t have a plan,” Violet said, “And he’s just torturing us for fun.”

“If he just wanted to torture us,” Lilac said, reaching the bottom of the stairs and glancing down the halls, “He could do much better than running laps. Come on, Solitude, stay awake.”

“No.” Solitude said, leaning her head into Lilac’s skirt.

“Sunny, don’t fall asleep on me.” Klaus said. “You have work.”

“Olil.” Sunny groaned. _“Leave me alone to die.”_

“There you cakesniffers are!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Violet muttered, as they heard a familiar _tap-tap-tapping_ from behind them.

They turned, and Carmelita said, “I have another message for you. Coach Genghis wants the _Baudelaires_ to report to the field tonight at sundown for another running exercise.”

“What?” Violet said, shocked.

“Again?” Lilac said.

“But-” Klaus said.

“Hey, don’t shoot the adorable messenger.” Carmelita said, tossing her curls.

“We’ll shoot the annoying messenger all we like.” Isadora said.

“Speaking of which,” Carmelita said, “As this is the second message I gave you, I _really_ deserve a tip at this point.”

“There’s a book about what happens when you let a bunch of schoolchildren run around unsupervised,” Klaus said, “And it features a pig’s head on a stick.”

Carmelita huffed. “You all are _impossible.”_

“We are aware.” Lilac groaned.


	7. in which Nick gets them all in even more trouble

**CHAPTER SEVEN**

_ in which Nick gets them all in even more trouble _

 

“Okay, so here’s the plan.” Nick said. “We sneak those knives out of the kitchen again, and throw the body into the river.” 

“Nick, we can’t kill Olaf.” Klaus said. “We’re not killing anyone. That’s illegal and immoral.” 

“So’s torturing us every night.” Nick said. “It’s self-defense.” 

“No murder!” 

Night after night, Coach Genghis made the Baudelaires report to the field and run laps around their circle. And it was getting more and more exhausting every time; the Baudelaires had taken to falling asleep in class or at work, which did not do wonders for their grades. 

“I haven’t been this tired since I got my first tesla coil.” Violet yawned, looking like she might fall face-first into her spaghetti. 

“I haven’t been this tired since Sunny was born.” Lilac said. “Her room was right next to mine and she kept screaming.” 

Klaus glanced down at Sunny, who had fallen asleep on the bench beside him. “Well, she’s a lot quieter now, isn’t she?” 

“Well, at least we’re all getting into great shape.” Nick said, annoyed beyond belief. “Couldn’t he at least do us a favor and play music while we run? It’s so  _ boring _ and  _ exhausting _ and-” 

“Speaking of boring and exhausting.” Duncan groaned, and they turned to see Carmelita tap up to them. 

“So, for my eleventh message to you,” Carmelita said, “Vice Principal Nero wants to see the  _ Baudelaires _ in his office right now. So you better hurry!” 

“Piss off, Carmelita.” Violet sighed. “We’re not in the mood.” 

“I’m just telling you what I was told to tell you.” Carmelita giggled. “And since this is my eleventh message, you’re overdue eleven tips.” 

“We gave you our tips.” Nick said, glaring at her. “But here’s today’s; there’s a book that was made into a popular film that is about a hound dog and a fox. In the book, at the end, the hound kills the fox.” 

“Your tips suck!” Carmelita huffed. 

“You suck.” Nick said, standing up. “Come on, guys, let’s see what his majesty Vice Principal Nero wants from us.” 

Klaus shook Sunny and then stood, starting to move away from the bench. But just as he stepped out, a frustrated and spiteful Carmelita kicked out her leg. Klaus tripped, letting out a startled gasp as he did, and Nick instantly put a hand on the table, vaulting himself over and grabbing onto him just in time. 

“Klaus?” he sounded very uncharacteristically terrified. “Klaus? Are you okay?” 

Klaus, startled, quickly stumbled out, “Y-yeah, I’m fine…” as Lilac and Violet also jumped up, grabbing the infants, and the Quagmires hurried to their feet. 

“Did your glasses break?” 

“No, I’m-” 

“Are you hurt?” Nick pulled away from his slightly, his eyes moving fast as he scanned his brother. 

“Nick,  _ I’m fine!”  _

Nick stepped back from Klaus, and then whipped around to give Carmelita a dark look. “Nick…” Violet said, noticing other students were starting to look around at them. 

“What the  _ fuck _ is wrong with you?” Nick snapped. “Why would you do that?” 

“Why, I didn’t do anything.” Carmelita said innocently. “Your dumb brother tripped.” 

“He’s not dumb and he didn’t trip!” Nick said, his voice sounding almost panicked. 

“And who’s anyone going to believe?” Carmelita said, smirking. “I’m the prettiest, most adorable, most talented girl in the whole wide school, and you’re just a cakesniffing orphan from the Orphans Shack. No wonder nobody wants you.” 

“Take that back!” Nick said. 

“Carmelita,” Isadora said, “If you don’t piss off right now, you’re getting a faceful of spaghetti as a tip!” 

“I don’t have to take anything back. Everything I said is true.” Carmelita said. “You’re cakesniffing orphans, nobody wants you, and your stupid brother-” 

It was about then that Nick leapt forwards and punched Carmelita across the face. 

There was a deadly silence for a very, very long time. 

“Shit.” Lilac muttered. 

 

“You children are simply unbelievable!” Nero cried. 

The six Baudelaires sat in chairs in front of Nero’s desk, miserably watching him pace back-and-forth, as Coach Genghis leaned against the wall, giving them satisfied smirks. 

“Firstly, you punch our star student, the most adorable girl in the school who has never harmed a living soul!” Nero said. 

“I wouldn’t say that.” said Nick, glaring down at the floor. He hadn’t looked anybody in the eye since he’d attacked Carmelita. 

_ “I wouldn’t say that.”  _ Nero imitated. “And then there’s your recent behavior in regards to classes and work. Solitude and Sunny have failed to transcribe all of my letters or answer all of my calls,  _ and _ we’re out of staples. And as for the rest of you, Mr Remora and Ms Bass have told me that you have been failing all of your quizzes for the last several days- and you, Nick, have failed every exam since your second day here! Zeroes on everything.” 

“Oh, there’s probably a reason for that.” Nick muttered. 

“And you’ve missed several violin recitals!” 

“That’s cause we’re at gym class all night!” Violet protested. 

_ “That’s cause we’re at gym class all night!  _ Excuses, excuses. Now, if it were up to me, I would throw you out of this school immediately. But we do have rules here. Rules that we must all follow.” 

“Are there any rules about child labor?” Lilac asked, glancing at Sunny and Solitude. 

Nero ignored this, or maybe he didn’t hear it. “Now, if you are truly competent students and secretaries, you will have one more opportunity to prove it. Tomorrow morning, you will take a test on the stories from Remora and measurements from Bass from the last few days, and Sunny and Solitude will make new staples for an administrative test.” 

“How are they supposed to make new staples? They’re toddlers!” Klaus protested. 

_ “They’re toddlers!  _ They’re secretaries, they must find a way. If you should fail, though, Coach Genghis has graciously offered an alternative.” 

The children froze up as Coach Genghis turned to wickedly smile at them. “Have you children ever heard of homeschooling?” 

“Excuse me?” Lilac snapped. 

“It is schooling, but at home. Where adults can pay more attention to individual issues and strengths.” said Coach Genghis. 

“We  _ know _ what homeschooling is.” Violet said. “We were-” 

“If you should fail your tests,” said Nero, “You will be expelled. And if you are expelled, Coach Genghis will homeschool you until your banker can come to collect you.” 

The children gaped. “Surely you can’t do that!” Nick said. 

“Mr Poe wanted us to stay here!” Violet said. 

“Mr Poe put you under my authority,” said Nero, “And I say that if you flunk out of school, you will go to the temporary custody of our wonderful gym teacher.” 

“I can’t wait.” Coach Genghis said. 

“Well,” Lilac said sharply, standing up and picking up Solitude, “We’ll go study.” 

“Better hurry.” Genghis said. “I expect you in the field tonight for your Special Orphan Running Exercises.” 

“What?” Nick said. 

“You expect us to run tonight?” Violet said. “How are we supposed to study?” 

“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Genghis said, smiling widely as his eyes shone. 

 

“So that’s why he has you running.” Duncan said sadly. “To get you tired so you fail your classes.” 

“We should’ve guessed before now.” Lilac said glumly. “How could I be so  _ stupid?”  _

They all snuck into the library, where Duncan was quickly flipping through his commonplace book, marking all the pages where he’d taken notes on Remora’s stories, while Isadora marked all the pages with notes from Bass’s measurements. Sunny and Soli glumly sat on the carpet, watching Babbitt hop around, while Nick curled up on an empty shelf and refused to look at anyone, and Klaus leaned on Duncan’s shoulder, about to fall asleep. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Isadora said quickly. “It’s a convoluted plan, to be sure.” 

“So we’re going to need a convoluted plan to thwart him.” Duncan said. 

“We won’t be able to study everything  _ and _ get to gym class.” Lilac said. “We don’t have time, unless we can be in two places at once.” 

Duncan considered. “Maybe you can be.” 

“Excuse me?” Klaus said, sitting up. “How can we do that?” 

“We’ll be you.” Duncan said. 

Klaus blinked. “What?” 

“That’s good!” Isadora nodded. “You mean like Halloween, age nine?” 

“Exactly like Halloween, age nine.” Duncan nodded. 

“What’s ‘Halloween, age nine,’ and what are you planning?” Violet asked, as Nick slid from the shelf to sit beside them. 

“Halloween, age nine,” Isadora said, “Was when we wanted to go as a certain family of six children. The problem being that there’re only three of us.” 

“So we made figures of the other children and dragged them behind us on little wagons.” Duncan said. “We don’t have figures we can model, but the science room has human figurines we can probably dress up. In the dark, you won’t be able to tell they’re not moving.” 

“And for the toddlers, we can drag some flour bags on string.” Isadora said. “There’s string in the art room that closed down, and flour in the kitchen…” 

“I’m sorry, wait.” Lilac said, holding up a hand. “Are you saying that  _ you want to go to gym class for us?”  _

“Absolutely.” Isadora nodded. 

“Yep.” Duncan agreed. 

“Oh, that’s not happening!” Lilac and Violet shouted. 

“Absolutely not.” said Klaus and Nick. 

“No!” Solitude and Sunny both shouted, startling Babbitt, who immediately leapt onto the top of Soli’s head. 

“Look!” Duncan said. “Do you want to flunk out of school and get sent back to Olaf’s custody?” 

“This is a good plan!” Isadora said. “We’ll get to work, and then you all hide in the Orphans Shack and study!” 

“We don’t want you near Olaf.” Lilac said. 

“What if he catches you?” Klaus asked. 

“That won’t happen. We’ll be fine.” Isadora said. “We’ve gotten out of plenty of scrapes before, haven’t we?” 

“Oh, definitely. Quigley’s gotten us into so much shit…” Duncan trailed off, glancing at the ground for a moment. And then he said, “Well, it’ll work. And it’s the only plan we’ve got.” 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other. “I don’t like it.” Lilac said. “But if we don’t come up with something else, we’re stuck with Olaf.” 

“We can’t ask you to do this for us.” Nick said quietly. 

“We know you’re not asking.” Isadora said, smiling. “We’re volunteering.” 

The Baudelaires all sighed, and then Lilac said, “Where’s the science room?” 

 

“You know, if this wasn’t so stressful,” Duncan said, “This would be fun.” 

Isadora nodded, tying her hair back with a ribbon.  _ “It may not be particularly wise / But it’s a thrill to be disguised.”  _

They were back in the library; Isadora and Nick dragged in two mannequins from the science room, Lilac and Violet fetched the flour bags, and Klaus, Solitude and Sunny gathered together string and ribbons from the art room. Sunny sat on a chair with two pieces of metal, biting and bending them into the rough shape of glasses. 

“Nick and Klaus tend to be the ones falling behind,” Lilac said, as she attached some string to a mannequin to resemble hair, “But unless you want to make a wig, Duncan, you should try to be Klaus. The glasses’ll stick better on you than the mannequin, and I seriously doubt Olaf notices who’s running faster anyway.” 

Isadora finished tying her hair back, and she said, “Well, how do I look?” 

Violet and Lilac glanced at her, and Violet stumbled, “Um. Different. Good- good different. Pretty- pretty good.” 

“You look good.” Lilac said, giving her a nervous thumbs-up. 

“This looks kinda like me.” Nick said, stepping away from the mannequin him and Soli had been messing with. “Where’d you get the uniforms, anyway?” 

“We just stole some of our extras.” Isadora shrugged. “Don’t look so nervous, Klaus, think of this as an art project.” 

“I’m nervous anyway.” Klaus said. Sunny let out a small yip and held out the glasses, and Klaus took them from her, turning around. “Duncan, you’ll- you’ll need these.” 

Duncan took the glasses, putting them on. “Perfect.” he said, smiling a little. 

Klaus blushed slightly. “Um… yeah. Yeah. You look… fine.” 

Duncan grinned, and Nick punched Klaus on the shoulder as Soli giggled. 

“Oh, um, also,” Klaus slowly pulled out the spyglass, sharing a look with Nick. “Take this. In case you need it.” 

“I don’t think we will.” Isadora said, but she took it anyway. “But thank you.” 

“You know, there’s still time to back out.” Lilac said. “You can just go back to the dorms and let us figure something out.” 

Isadora shook her head. “We’re your friends. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.” 

“But if something goes wrong-” Violet said. 

“Nothing will go wrong.” Duncan assured her. “Nothing will go wrong at all. We’ll see you in the morning, Baudelaires.” 

He took hold of the string on Nick’s mannequin, pulling it a little, smiling as it moved towards him. Another string was tied to its waist, holding a bag of flower shaped kind-of like Solitude. 

“The devil’s tongue knot should hold those.” Lilac said. 

“I’m sure they will.” Isadora said. “See you all soon!” 

Her and Duncan ran out, then, dragging the mannequins and flour behind them. 

“We shouldn’t have done this.” Nick said, as soon as they were gone. “We can’t just let them…” 

“We can’t stop them.” Violet said. “So we might as well let them help.” She reached for the table, picking up Duncan and Isadora’s commonplace books. “Let’s get some studying done.” 

As Lilac and Violet started to head out for the Orphans Shack, with Lilac picking up Sunny once she got close enough to lift her up, Klaus grabbed Nick’s hand, slowing him slightly. “Should I have given them the spyglass?” Klaus asked. 

“It might be helpful.” Nick said quietly. “Don’t worry. Once we’ve foiled Olaf’s plans, we can all work on that thing together.” 


	8. in which Lilac snaps

**CHAPTER EIGHT**

_ in which Lilac snaps _

 

The Baudelaires stayed up all night studying. While Klaus and Lilac traded off sleeping and memorizing measurements, Nick had to forgo sleep entirely as he and Violet quizzed each other on meaningless trivia from Remora’s stories. 

Solitude and Sunny, meanwhile finally figured out a way to make staples. Solitude would chase a crab into the corner of the shack and wave Babbitt above it, and when it reached up its claw to pinch, Solitude would quickly retract her precious frog and Sunny would throw forwards a metal sheet they’d swiped from the art room. The crab would pinch it and make a decent-sized staple. It was long and hard work, but it was better than nothing. 

When the sun rose, shedding light into the shack, Lilac shook Klaus awake and said, “Klaus, how long was the brown pencil?” 

“Six inches.” yawned Klaus. 

“Good.” Lilac said. 

“Alright, Vi,” Nick said, nervously shutting Duncan’s commonplace book, “What color were the cows on the dairy farm?” 

“Brown and White.” she said, rubbing her eyes. 

“Sunny, Solitude,” Lilac asked, “You got your staples?” 

Sunny threw forwards the last of the metal sheet, and when the crab pinched it in half, she said, “Bene,” meaning,  _ “We’ve got it!”  _

“Good. Gather them all up.” Lilac said. “We’ll wait outside the shack for our teachers.” 

“When do you think the Quagmires’ll get back?” Violet yawned. 

“Hopefully they’ll go to bed after class.” Lilac said nervously. 

The Baudelaires quickly went outside, where Sunny and Solitude carried their staples. Solitude sat on Nick’s lap as they waited for their teachers to arrive, playing with his jacket as Babbitt hopped around in the grass. Violet and Lilac helped Sunny practice walking, and Klaus just stared at the sky, muttering measurements to himself so he didn’t forget them. 

Within a few minutes, the children looked up to see Vice Principal Nero, Ms Bass and Mr Remora coming out of the administration building and walking towards them. They stood up, and Lilac said quickly, “If we don’t pass-” 

“That won’t happen.” Violet said. 

“I’ll protect you.” Lilac finished. “I promise.” 

“We’ll protect each other.” Nick said, carefully placing Solitude on the ground, she held out her hands, and Babbitt leapt up to her, eventually settling in her pocket once again. 

The adults finally reached them, and Vice Principal Nero said, “Well, orphans, I sure hope you have been studying, because I told your teachers to make your tests extra hard. And I have lots of thick papers for the toddlers to staple, so they better get to work. Now, Mr Remora and Ms Bass will take turns asking you questions until one of you gets an answer wrong, and then you flunk. Solitude and Sunny will sit in the back and staple these papers into booklets of five papers each, and if your homemade staples don’t work perfectly, then you flunk.” 

“That doesn’t seem-” Klaus began. 

“A musical genius like myself doesn’t have all day to oversee exams.” Neero said, throwing his papers into a pile in front of the toddlers, tossing a stapler on top of it. “I’ve missed too much practice time already. Begin.” 

Solitude and Sunny quickly began stapling, and Mr Remora said, “In my story about the donkey, how many miles did it run?” 

“Six.” said Violet. 

_ “Six.”  _ Nero mimicked. “That can’t be correct-” 

“Um, actually, it is.” said Remora, taking a bite of a banana he’d brought with him. 

“How wide was the notebook with the yellow cover?” Ms Bass asked. 

“Nineteen centimeters.” said Lilac. 

_ “Nineteen centimeters.”  _ Nero mocked. 

“Correct.” said Ms Bass. 

“In my story about the mushroom,” said Mr Remora, “What was the name of the chef?” 

“Maurice.” Nick said. 

Mr Remora frowned at him. “Who are you?” 

“Nick. Your student. Who has definitely been to class every day.” Nick said, glancing at Solitude and Sunny, who were stapling very fast, but very well. 

“How long was chicken breast number seven?” Ms Bass asked. 

“Fourteen centimeters and five millimeters.” Klaus said. 

“That’s right.” 

“Oh, hurry up and flunk them.” Nero said. “I’ve never gotten to expel any students, and I’m really looking forward to it.” 

“In my story about the dump truck, what color were the rocks it carried?” 

“Gray and brown.” Violet said. 

“Correct.” 

“How deep was my mother’s casserole dish?” 

“Six centimeters.” Lilac said. 

“Correct.” 

The exam continued on for a very long time. Nick kept bouncing his leg to keep himself focused, and Klaus kept nervously adjusting his glasses and glancing towards the horizon, as if Duncan and Isadora would run up to offer encouragement. Lilac braided and unbraided her hair while they talked, and Violet fiddled with her ribbon. 

Finally, after Mr Remora had long finished his banana, he said, “Nero, there’s no use continuing. Violet and her brother are very fine students, and they’ve obviously studied hard.” 

Ms Bass nodded. “I’ve never encountered more metric-wise children than Lilac and Klaus. And it looks like those toddlers are fine secretaries.” 

“Yes.” Remora agreed. “Those booklets look gorgeous.” 

“Tank you!” Solitude said brightly, mainly to hide the chirp Babbitt made from her pocket. 

“Pilso.” Sunny muttered.  _ “My stapling hand is sore.”  _

“But surely they must have flunked something!” Nero said. “I want to expel somebody!” 

“Why don’t you expel Carmelita?” asked Remora. “She never pays attention in class.” 

“I can’t expel her, she’s the most talented girl in the school.” Nero said. 

They were interrupted, then, by a furious- and familiar- coughing. 

“Baudelaires?” came Mr Poe’s voice. “What are you doing outside an old shack? This doesn’t seem like an appropriate meeting place.” 

“Mr Poe!” Nick said. 

Behind them, Mr Poe had arrived, holding a huge bag, full of smaller bags of candy. “Vice Principal Nero,” Poe said, “I received your telegram about fifty-four bags of candy, and Mulctuary Money Management thought I’d better deliver them myself. What exactly is going on?” 

“The Baudelaires are being tested, clearly.” Nero said. “Lilac and Klaus on their memorization of measurements, Violet and Nick on their memorization of details, and Solitude and Sunny on their administrative assistance.” 

“Administrative assistance?” Poe asked. “Egad! Those two should be in nursery school, not working as administrative assistants.” 

“They also shouldn’t be sleeping in a shack.” Nick said. 

“You’re sleeping in this shack?” Poe asked. 

“That doesn’t matter.” Nero said. “Children, I just realized; these aren’t your only classes. You’ll have to be passed by your gym teacher, Coach Genghis. You see? Here he comes now!” 

The Baudelaires froze for a moment, before turning around to see Coach Genghis approaching. He had very shiny eyes and a very wicked grin, and in his hands, he held a simple ribbon. 

Lilac stared at it hard as Coach Genghis stopped near them. “Ah, hello.” he said. “I just came to tell you-” 

“Where are they?” Nick shouted, furious. 

“What have you  _ done?”  _ Violet cried. 

“Why, here’s your ribbon.” Genghis said. “Vice Principal Nero, these children skipped-” 

At that moment, to everyone’s shock, Lilac threw herself at the gym teacher, punching him hard in the stomach and then adding a kick for good measure, sending him stumbling backwards. 

“Lilac!” Poe shouted. 

Nick, too pissed to be excited, rushed forwards and also threw a punch at the man. Violet raced after him, grabbing Genghis’s hand before he could land a hit on Nick, pulling it backwards. 

“What did you  _ do to them?”  _ Lilac screamed, as Klaus raced forwards to help Violet hold the man’s arms back. 

“Where are they?” Klaus shouted, sounding furious. 

“Let them go, you piece of shit!” Violet screamed. 

“Give them  _ back!”  _ Lilac tried to kick at him again, only to let out a frustrated screech when Ms Bass grabbed her and pulled her back, putting her in a kind of headlock to prevent her from further attacking the gym teacher. 

Remora ran forwards and dragged back Nick, who started kicking and trying to bite him. Violet was pulled back by Poe, while Nero yanked back Klaus. 

“Baudelaires!” Poe shouted, as Violet struggled and started screaming out curses. “What has come over you?” 

“You see!” Nero said proudly. “Look at how wild these children are! I must expel them for attacking our wonderful gym teacher.” 

“Where are the Quagmires! What did you  _ do to them?”  _ Lilac screamed. 

“Give them back!” Klaus screamed. “Give them  _ back!”  _

“Why, those two twins were simply put in detention in the kitchens for aiding you in your skipping class.” Genghis said, smiling wickedly. 

“They’re  _ not twins!”  _ Nick screamed. 

“You are a  _ liar, _ and you are  _ Count Olaf!”  _ Violet shouted. 

“Now, children!” Poe said. “Look at this man. There’s no way he is-” 

At that moment, Solitude and Sunny gave each other a nod and threw themselves at Coach Genghis, grabbing onto his left shoe. They bit and pulled, and Genghis let out a frustrated cry and raised his leg to kick them off. And while Solitude and Sunny did go flying, so did his shoe. 

The adults stared at his bare ankle for a moment, looking at his eye tattoo. That moment was long enough for Lilac to elbow Bass in the ribs and break away, and for Nick and Violet to quickly copy her. It didn’t take much for Klaus to slip away from Nero, and Lilac managed to grab Coach Genghis’s turban as he started to run, ripping it away. He glanced back, and Poe shouted, “Egad! He has one eyebrow!” 

“We don’t have time for this!” Nick shouted, picking Solitude up from the ground and running. 

Klaus grabbed Sunny, and Lilac shouted, “He has the Quagmires!” 

The Baudelaires took off running after him. After running for several days on end, they were much faster than the adults behind them. They raced after Olaf, and as they turned a bend around a building, they saw a truly horrifying sight. 

Several feet away, barely visible, the white-faced women, dressed in the uniforms of the kitchen staff at Prufrock, were dragging Isadora and Duncan into a long, black car. 

“No!” Lilac screamed. 

“Duncan! Isadora!” Klaus shouted.

“Quagmires!” Violet cried. 

“Olaf!” shouted one of the White-Faced Women. “We found the brats in the Library, they’d climbed in the window-” 

“Baudelaires!” Isadora shouted at the top of her lungs, terror behind her eyes. “We found the book!” 

“The Incomplete History!” Duncan shouted. “It was in the librarian’s desk!” 

“We took notes!” Isadora cried. “It’s awful! There are horrible things-” 

“Everything’s connected! The spyglasses, our parents-” 

Olaf jumped into the front seat of the car, starting it as the Baudelaires almost caught up. A white-faced lady forced Duncan into the backseat, and as Isadora was pushed in, she screamed one thing.

“VFD!  _ VFD!”  _

“Isadora!” Lilac cried. “Isadora, just hold on-” 

The white-faced woman forced her into the car, leaping in after her, and within a few moments, the car drove off. 

The Baudelaires ran after it, not caring that they likely wouldn’t be able to reach it. And sure enough, within a few minutes, the car drove out of sight. But just before it did, they saw Isadora push herself out of the window and throw something to the ground. 

They stopped as the car disappeared past the gates of Prufrock Prep, and slowly, Klaus leaned down to pick up the spyglass. Isadora had thrown them the spyglass. 

Lilac took one look at it and then collapsed onto the ground. “Lilac-” Violet began, but she didn’t know what to say. 

Behind them, Poe and the teachers had caught up, and they were having some kind of argument. But none of the Baudelaires noticed or cared. Lilac was on her knees, hugging herself and sobbing uncontrollably. Violet dropped beside her, numbly pulling her close. Klaus stared at the spyglass as if he couldn’t believe it was there, and then he also started to cry, slowly sinking to the ground and putting down Sunny, who was wailing. Nick knelt beside him, putting one arm around him and using the other to hold Solitude, who simply pressed her face against his jacket. 

They sat for a very long time, just crying and shaking and holding each other. Eventually the boys and toddlers moved to Violet and Lilac, and all six of them huddled together, just embracing each other and crying for their friends. 

Then, quietly, Sunny whispered, “VFD.” 

Nick and Violet nodded to her silently, while Lilac continued to sob, and Klaus cried, hugging himself and starting to rock back-and-forth, refusing to look anyone in the eye. 

It took a long, long while before they all stopped crying, even after Poe piled them into his car and started driving them back to his place, saying something about a new guardian and expulsion, not noticing that none of them listened. 

That night, all crammed together into the Poe living room, Lilac whispered to her siblings, “We’re getting them back. I promise you. We’re  _ getting them back.”  _

But all of them knew that there was a very good chance that promise wouldn’t be kept. 


	9. in which the Baudelaires are given Fashion Lessons

**CHAPTER NINE**

_in which the Baudelaires are given Fashion Lessons_

 

“I really think you’ll like your new guardians.”

The Baudelaires gave each other incredulous and doubtful looks. They were, once again, piled into the back of Mr Poe’s car, on their way to a new guardian. Lilac was holding Sunny very tight, and Nick was holding Solitude even tighter. Solitude kept muttering that he really didn’t need to, but he ignored her. Klaus was leaning against Nick’s arm, trying to keep from crying into his shoulder and not succeeding very well. Violet sat against the window, staring at the streets as Poe jabbered on.

“Your new guardians live very close to your original house- right here in the city!”

“Then why didn’t they take us in before?” Lilac asked.

“I don’t know, I didn’t find it polite to ask.” Poe said. “Ah, here we are.”

He parked his car beside a tall, looming building. There were so many tall, thick trees and huge buildings that almost all light was blocked out.

“This is 667 Dark Avenue.” Poe said. “Now, I’m sure you must be nervous, considering your last few guardians-”

“We’re not nervous.” Violet said. “We’re too anxious to be nervous.”

“We’re anxious about Count Olaf.” Klaus said, his voice a little shaky. “He's still got the Quagmires.”

“Oh, don’t worry about Count Olaf.” Poe said. “He won’t find you here, the Squalors have assured me of that. And as for your friends, the Quagmire twins will be found soon.”

“They’re triplets.” Lilac said sharply.

“No, the death of their brother changes their birth identity.” Poe said. “Anyway, if you look around town, you’ll see many police cars and wanted posters. There is a citywide manhunt for Count Olaf, which will last until we find the twins.”

“Triplets.” Nick said.

“I’ve recently been promoted,” Poe continued on, “To the bank’s Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs. So I’m also in charge of the Quagmires as well as you three. Every update on the manhunt gets reported to me, and every lead. In fact, after I drop you off, I’m going on a helicopter ride to a mountain peak where the Quagmires have been spotted.”

“They’re not in the mountains, they’re with Count Olaf.” Klaus said. “And Count Olaf will follow us.”

“Don’t contradict your elders, Klaus. Now, let’s get you inside.”

Poe stepped out of the car, and Lilac shot her siblings a sympathetic glance before also climbing out.

“Now, I believe the door is… this way?” Poe called, as everyone climbed out.

“It’s this way!” came an unfamiliar voice. A man stepped forwards, wearing a pinstripe suit with very long sleeves and a long hat. “Don’t worry, people often find it hard to find the door. That’s why they hired a doorman. You’re looking for 667 Dark Avenue?”

“Yes.” Poe nodded. “I have an appointment with Mr and Ms Squalor, to bring them the Baudelaires.”

“Oh, yes, they told me you were coming.” said the doorman. “Right this way. Come in.”

The doorman opened the door, and the Baudelaires and Poe stepped into a building that was just as dark, with only a few candles lighting the floor.

“It’s very dark in here.” Lilac said, sounding appreciative.

“Yes.” the doorman said. “Right now, dark is in.”

“In what?” Solitude asked, cocking her head to the side.

“Just in.” the doorman explained. “Around here, people decide whether something is in- stylish and appealing- or out- not that. It changes all the time. Just a couple of weeks ago, light was _in,_ and you had to wear sunglasses all the time.”

“That’s very interesting! I’ll have to tell my wife.” Poe said. “In the meantime, where is the elevator? The Squalors live in the penthouse apartment, and I don’t want to walk all the way to the top floor.”

“The elevator won’t be of any use to you.”

“Oh, is it out of order?” Lilac asked. “I’d be happy to repair it for you. I’m good at repairing things.”

“That’s a very kind and unusual offer.” said the doorman. “But the elevator isn’t out of order. It’s just out. Stairs are in.”

The doorman pulled a flashlight from his pocket, shining it onto a large, spiral staircase, which had candles placed on every six or seventh step.

“How many floors does it go up?” Nick asked.

“Either forty-eight or eighty-four.”

“Goodness! I don’t have that much time.” Poe said. “Children, tell Mr and Ms Squalor that I send my regards.”

“Sure.” Violet sighed. “See you later, Mr Poe.”

“Please find the Quagmires soon.” Klaus said.

Mr Poe waved goodbye, and the siblings slowly started up the staircase. Nick still held tight to Soli, and Lilac held tight to Sunny.

It was a very long and very dark walk. Lilac and Violet switched who was carrying Sunny, sometimes handing her to Klaus, as Nick stubbornly refused to release Solitude, who took Babbitt out of her pocket and petted them for a long while.

“Guess you like this, don’t you, Li?” Nick muttered. “It’s weird goth shit.”

“I actually do like it.” Lilac said. “But I’d enjoy it more if Isadora and Duncan were here.”

“Duncan would love to do a report on everything that’s in and out.” Klaus sighed.

“And Isadora would have a lot of poetry material.” Violet added.

“Pirt,” Sunny said, which meant, _“And we’d all be together.”_

They fell silent again, and then quietly, Lilac started to sing. She sang a song that was normally played very loud and energetic, but she gave it a slower melody, quietly soothing Sunny as they walked up and up the large staircase. It was a song about how everybody’s looking for something, and as they walked, listening to Lilac’s soft voice, they all really hoped that whoever was looking for the Quagmires would find them quickly.

When they finally reached the top of the staircase, exhausted, Nick said, “Well. Glad we’re all well exercised.”

“Not now, Nick. I’m too tired to bitch with you.” Violet groaned.

Klaus glanced around the outside of the penthouse. One candle was in the corner of the landing, showcasing two pairs of sliding elevator doors, and one large door that led to their temporary home.

“To think,” he said, “If we’d used the elevator, we’d be here in a few moments.”

“Elevators aren’t _in.”_ Nick said, in a mocking voice.

“Tired feet are _in.”_ Klaus giggled slightly.

“Making kids exercise is _in.”_

“Candles are _in.”_

“Lilac’s goth shit is _in.”_

“Oh, stop.” Lilac said, placing Sunny on the ground. “Let’s knock on the door. Hopefully our guardians are home.”

But before she could knock, the door flew open, and a tall man in a pinstripe suit said, “Ah! I thought I heard someone approaching! You must be the Baudelaires!”

“Hello, Mr Squalor!” Lilac said. “I’m Lilac Baudelaire, and these are my siblings, Violet, Nick, Klaus, Solitude and Sunny.”

“Solitude, put the frog away.” Nick whispered, and Solitude stealthily shoved Babbitt into her pocket.

“Goodness, you sound out of breath!” Mr Squalor said. “I know two things that can help with that. First, you can save your breath and call me ‘Jerome’ instead of ‘Mr Squalor,’ and second, I can fix you a nice cold martini.”

“Martini?” Sunny asked, as Jerome held open the door for them to walk inside.

“Isn’t that alcoholic?” Klaus asked.

“How much can we have?” Nick asked.

They walked into a very dimly lit entryway, that seemed to be in black-and-white- though that might have been the lack of light.

“Usually they are,” Jerome said, “But right now, alcoholic martinis are out, and aqueous martinis are in.”

“What’s an aqueous martini?” Violet asked.

“It’s cold water in a fancy glass with an olive.” Jerome said. He walked them into a room that might have been a kitchen, and pulled out several small glasses he’d already prepared.

“We’ve never had aqueous martinis,” Violet said, “But we’ll try them.”

“Ah, you’re very adventurous!” Jerome said. “Just like your mother. We were friends a ways back. We hiked up Mount Fraught with some friends- gosh, it must have been twenty years ago-”

“Was one of those friends Monty Montgomery?” Nick asked.

“Or Josephine Anwhistle?” Lilac asked.

“Hmm? Oh, no, just the Snickets and that Markson boy.”

Lilac narrowed her eyes. “Who?”

“You were really friends with Mom?” Nick asked.

“Oh, yes.” Jerome nodded. “It’s been a few years, but as soon as I heard about the fire I wanted to adopt you. Unfortunately, that was impossible.”

They then heard a very loud voice say, “Orphans were _out_ then! But now they’re _in!”_

The Baudelaires turned to see a tall woman enter, also dressed in a pinstripe suit. She had long fingernails, polished so they shone even in the dim light.

“Good evening.” she said.

“It’s mid-morning, my dear.” Jerome said.

“I am Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor.” she announced, strutting in and taking an aqueous martini from the plate. “Even though I’m unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esme. I’ll learn your names later. I’m very happy you’re here, because orphans are _in,_ and when everyone hears that I have _six_ real live orphans, they’ll be sick with jealousy, won’t they, Jerome?”

“I hope not.” Jerome said. “I don’t like to hear of anybody getting sick.”

“Well, children, come with us to the closest living room,” Esme said, “And we’ll tell you all about your new life.”

As she walked, Klaus ran to catch up to her. “We’re very glad you’re interested in orphans,” he said, “Because we have two more orphans we’d like to find soon.”

“Ah, yes, the Quagmires. Terrible what happened to them. We were told all about it.” Esme said. “Don’t you worry, as soon as they’re found, you’ll live with them.”

“Do you really mean it?” Violet asked, eyes lighting up.

“Of course.” Esme nodded. “Always good to have a few spares laying around.”

The Baudelaires glanced at each other as they entered a huge room, covered in fancy furniture and facing a tall, unlit fireplace. There were curtains taped over several windows, to let a little light in as possible.

“I think I like your home,” Lilac said, sitting on the edge of a couch and placing Sunny beside her. “I’m very glad that dark is in.”

“I’m glad to hear it!” Esme said. “Good of you orphans to have some fashion sense.”

Violet sat beside Lilac, followed by Nick and Klaus, the former of whom placed Solitude firmly on his lap.

“Alright,” Jerome said, as he made sure each child was given a martini, “Let’s see. If you ever get lost, remember that your new address is 667 Dark Avenue in the penthouse apartment.”

“Jerome, don’t tell them silly things like that.” Esme said, waving her hand. “Children, here’s the important things. Dark is _in._ Light is _out._ Stairs are _in._ Elevators are _out._ Pinstripe suits are _in._ Those horrible things you’re wearing are _out.”_

“What Esme means,” Jerome said, “Is that we want you to feel as comfortable here as possible.”

“That’s very nice of you.” Violet said, sipping her aqueous martini and trying not to pull a face.

“Frog?” Solitude asked, looking up.

“What my sister means,” Nick said, “Is that she’s wondering if herpetology is in.”

“Well, we’ll have to check the library.” Esme said.

“You have a library?” Klaus asked.

“Yes!” Esme said. “It’s a collection of everything that’s in!”

“Which reminds me, you can have your pick of bedrooms!” Jerome said. “We have seventy-one, so you can-”

A phone rang against the wall, and Esme rushed over, grabbing it and speaking fast. “Squalor residence. Yes, this is Ms Squalor. Yes. Yes. Yes? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” She hung up and then whipped back around. “Fantastic news! It’s what we were just talking about!”

“The Quagmires have been found?” Klaus asked.

“Oh, no, don’t be silly.” Esme said. “Jerome, children, listen to me- dark is _out!_ Regular light is _in!”_

“Well, it’ll be a relief to get some light around this place.” Jerome said. “Children, help me open the shades and you can get a look at the view from up here.”

“I’ll turn on the lamps and then run in panicky circles!”  Esme said. “Quickly, before anybody sees that this apartment is still dark!”

She raced off, and Jerome showed the Baudelaires to the windows. They flung open the curtains, looking down at the spectacular view; they were so high up, all the cars dashing across the street looked like ants.

“It’s beautiful.” Violet said.

“High up.” Solitude muttered, clinging to Nick slightly.

“Jerome,” Klaus said, a little sadly, “I can see our old neighborhood from here.”

“Yes, you can see everything.” Jerome said. “Look, those are the orange juice factories. And that’s my favorite restaurant. And look down there! They’re already cutting down the trees that made the street dark.”

“Of course they’re cutting them down!” Esme said, running back into the room. “Regular light is in!”

“Now, children,” Jerome said, “Why don’t we find you rooms, and get you all set? I’ll even get you your pinstripe suits!”

“Thank you.” Lilac said. Then, she added, “We’re happy that orphans are _in.”_

None of them asked what would happen when orphans were _out._


	10. in which the In Auction is planned

**CHAPTER TEN**

_in which the In Auction is planned_

 

“Lilac, when we get transferred to our next guardian,” Klaus said, “If they make us wear pinstripe suits, I’m going to strangle somebody.”

“I dunno.” Lilac said. “I kind of like them.”

“Of course you do, you goth bitch.” Nick said, tossing a pen for Solitude to catch.

Living with the Squalors was certainly interesting. The Baudelaires lived close to their old home, so when Esme went to work every morning, Jerome could take them out to see their old favorite spots. Violet and Lilac dragged everyone through the Verne Invention Museum, Klaus and Nick made them all visit the Akhmatova Bookstore to look for new encyclopedias or atlases that Jerome would graciously offer to buy for them, and Solitude was excited to go to a place she’d barely noticed before their unfortunate events began- a zoo, where her and Nick would plant themselves in the reptile sections and refuse to see anything else. Sunny didn’t really care to see much, but she did often request that they stop by the Fickle Fountain, where she’d dip her hands or feet in the water and giggle. Jerome would often take them out to lunch, too, or take them to some of his favorite places, and the Baudelaires loved to hear him talk about his memories of the mountains and how their Mother tried to teach him to whistle with crackers in his mouth.

But during the afternoons, the children would return to 667 Dark Avenue, and climb up the long, long, _long_ staircase. When they got back to the penthouse, they’d have to navigate their way through the seventy-one rooms to find where they wanted to go. Only Nick had managed to memorize a path, but sometimes even he was tired or bored and took them down a wrong turn, or they were temporarily splitting up and the group without him got hopelessly lost. They rarely saw Jerome or Esme in the afternoons- though they didn’t mind missing Esme, who only talked about what was in and out and seemed to not notice the orphans at all.

Also, the Baudelaires had been given pinstripe suits in order to be as in as their guardians, but they didn’t fit well. They often had to push or pin up sleeves, and Lilac had to help Solitude and Sunny cut theirs. They added an extra pocket inside Solitude’s, though, to hide Babbitt, who didn’t quite like the loud city or confusing apartment, and spent almost all of their time sleeping in their owner’s pocket, whenever they weren’t in the bedroom, where Solitude would play with them.

While there were many bedrooms, the Baudelaires didn’t like the idea of being separate in such a confusing place, so they found a room with two bunk beds. Violet and Nick called dibs on the top bunks, and Solitude and Sunny slept on piled pillows on the floor, with Babbitt finding a nice bed for themself on a fabric cupholder on top of a desk. Unfortunately for the frog, it was a bit hard to find bugs inside the penthouse, so Solitude compensated by spoiling them with any bugs they happened across outside the penthouse, so long as Jerome wasn’t looking- apparently, herpetology was out, so the Baudelaires weren’t sure how he’d react to Solitude’s pet.

Currently, the Baudelaires were spread out in the living room. Nick and Klaus were trying to read through a book on Emily Dickinson that they’d bought the other day, while Violet and Lilac were going through the newspaper, trying to find something interesting, or some news on the search for Count Olaf. Sunny and Soli, meanwhile, were coloring over the discarded newspaper pages as Babbitt looked for a fly they thought they’d spotted.

“It’s a bit of a mixed bag living here.” Violet said. “I don’t like being in this apartment or having to conform to social norms, but I like being able to go into town.”

“Do you think arranged marriages are ever going to be in?” Nick asked, looking up concernedly. “Cause if Esme tries to marry me off to literally anyone, I’m gonna jump from the window.”

“You’re twelve, Nick, you can’t get married.” Lilac said quietly, trying not to think about how she’d almost been married just a few months ago.

“She seems like the kind of person who’d try to set me up with some rich kid.” Nick said. “And I’m _never_ getting married, not even when I’m older. I’m gonna live alone in the woods, and the only one who can come visit me is Soli.”

“Ihering!” Soli said, which meant something like, _“I’ll live with you and we can raise reptiles in the woods!”_

“I don’t know what _Ihering_ is,” said Esme, as she walked into the room, Jerome following behind her, “But it doesn’t sound very in.”

Violet quickly stood up, blocking Esme’s view of the corner, where Babbitt had just caught their fly. They quickly hopped back to Solitude, hiding in her pocket.

“Helllo, Baudelaires! How are you doing?” Jerome asked.

“We’re just reading up on Emily Dickinson.” Klaus said.

“Ah, yes. She’s in at the moment, perhaps we could invite her over.” Esme said.

“Emily Dickinson died in 1886.” Nick said.

“Well, that’s no matter.” Esme said. “Children, I came to tell you that I will be very busy. Tomorrow, we will be hosting the _In Auction!”_

“What’s the In Auction?” Lilac asked, while Nick gave Klaus a disgusted look.

“It is an auction,” Jerome said, “Where everyone gets together and bids on the innest items.”

“I always organize it,” Esme said, “And it’s a smashing event!”

“Smashi?” Sunny asked.

“No, she doesn’t mean we get to smash things.” Violet said quietly.

“It is a fabulous event!” Esme said. “And all the money goes to a good cause!”

“Which good cause?” Lilac asked.

“Me!”  Esme clapped her hands together. “Every last bit of money goes to me! Isn’t _that_ smashing?”

“Actually, dear,” Jerome said, “Don’t you think that this year we could give money to another cause? Like those starving people we read about in the paper.”

“Starving people can’t eat money.” Esme said. “Besides, if we give money to poor people, then they won’t be poor anymore. We’re going to make heaps of money this year. I had lunch with twelve millionaires this morning, and eleven of them are going to attend! The twelfth had a birthday party to attend.”

“This auction sounds like… an interesting event.” Lilac said carefully.

“Oh, Jerome, Gunther’s stopping by tonight, and I need you to take the kids out to dinner.” Esme said. “Can’t have six orphans running around distracting us from our work.”

“Who’s Gunther?” Klaus asked.

“The auctioneer!” Esme replied. “He’s the innest auctioneer in town, and he’s helping me organize! We’re discussing the catalog tonight, and we don’t want to be disturbed.”

“But, darling, I was going to teach the children to play chess tonight.” Jerome said.

“No, no, no.” Esme said. “I already made you a reservation at Cafe Salmonella for seven o’clock. It’s already six o’clock, so you should get moving. Hurry it up, you’ll have to get down the stairs.”

“I didn’t know we were going out tonight.” Klaus said. He and Lilac both shared a dislike of surprise outings, even more than their other siblings.

“Yes, isn’t it delightful?” Esme said. “You all have fun. Tell me all about how in your dinner was!”

“Will do.” Lilac said glumly, picking up Sunny.

Then she turned towards the door and let out a scream. Instantly, Nick leapt to his feet, picking up Solitude and retreating several steps. Klaus let out a gasp and ran to stand by Violet, who pushed him behind her and stared ahead.

Up ahead, Count Olaf had just entered the room.

The kids remained silent, staring in horror at the man. He was in disguise, once again- he wore high, shiny black boots that almost reached his knees, perfect for hiding a tattoo, and over one of his eyes was a monocle. He wore a long pinstripe suit, much like everybody who was in.

“Hello, please!” said Count Olaf. “Esme, are these the children, please, you were telling me about?”

“I- you-” Lilac began.

“Yes, these are the orphans!” Esme said. “Children, Jerome, this is Gunther, our auctioneer.”

“Ah, it is nice to meet you!” Jerome said.

“Please excuse the talking of me.” said Olaf, strutting in and smiling wickedly at the children. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“How…?” Violet asked.

“Where…?” Nick began.

“Bik…” Sunny trailed off.

Lilac recovered first, as Olaf approached her, holding out his hand. “I am happy to meet you, please.”

Lilac recoiled, and snarled, “We’ve met before. _Many_ times before. This man is Count Olaf!”

“I am not understanding, please.” Gunther said. “Please, I am not fluent in the English language, please.”

“Yes, you are!” Kaus said.

“He’s in disguise!” Violet shouted. “And if you just take off his boots-”

“Gunther is the innest auctioneer in town!” Esme said. “I’m not going to make him get undressed just to make you feel better! Apologize to him and go off to dinner.”

“He’s Count Olaf!” Nick said. “Where are the Quagmires? What did you do to them?”

“Esme,” Jerome said, “The children do seem alarmed, maybe we should-”

“Maybe we should listen to me!” Esme said. “I am Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor-”

She continued ranting about herself, as Jerome listened intently. As he did, Gunther leaned forwards and whispered, “I can’t be Count Olaf, please, because there’s a manhunt for him. I wouldn’t be allowed in, please. And also, if Count Olaf were to be captured, please, what would happen to the poor, poor Quagmires, all alone? Olaf’s the only one who knows where they are, and with him locked up, surely they would starve and die.”

“Whatever you’ve done to them, you’ll regret it.” Lilac hissed.

“What was that, child?” Esme turned around, finally finishing her speech.

“I…” Lilac bit her lip, and then stepped back. “I was just apologizing to Gunther. I see now that he isn’t who I thought he was.”

“Good!” Esme said, clapping. “Now, off to dinner! You don’t want to be late!”

“I’m glad everyone has stopped arguing.” Jerome said. “Children, I know what’ll make you feel better! Why don’t we slide down the bannister!”

The children looked at each other, and Solitude gave Olaf a death glare and muttered, “Fuck you,” thankfully quiet enough that the adults couldn’t hear. Lilac did, though, and she shot Solitude and Nick a glare of her own.

“Alright.” Klaus said. “Thank you, Jerome.”

“I’ll show Gunther the rest of the penthouse, and then we’ll get to work!” Esme cheered. “Ta-ta, children!”

“Ta-ta.” Sunny repeated, unenthusiastically.

 

Cafe Salmonella was certainly… interesting.

It was located in the Fish District of town, a place that looked, sounded and smelled like fish, due to the fact it was located near the docks of the city and had the scent of the fish that the fishermen hauled in. Cafe Salmonella itself had a theme, and that theme was salmon. The restaurant was colored like a salmon, salmon were painted onto the walls and ceilings, the waiters were dressed in salmon costumes, and every item of food served in the restaurant had something to do with salmon.

“How can they possibly make this much salmon-themed food?” Nick asked, glumly picking at his salmon ice cream. Solitude held out her hands, and he passed it to her; when Jerome looked the other way, she placed it on her lap as a treat for Babbitt.

“It’s apparently very in.” Jerome said.

“Yes. Lots of things are _in.”_ Violet muttered.

“Jerome,” Lilac said quietly, “Do you think there’s something strange about Gunther?”

“Baudelaires,” Jerome said, “I’m surprised at you. Do you know what the word ‘xenophobe’ means?”

“Well, -phobe means ‘afraid of,’” Klaus said, “So I assume it means somebody who is afraid of something. Does ‘xeno’ mean Olaf?”

“No.” Jerome said. “It means _stranger_ or _foreigner._ A xenophobe is someone who is afraid of people simply because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason to fear someone. I would have thought you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes.”

“Of course we’re not!” Lilac said.

“Now, I don’t mean to scold you,” Jerome said, “I know you’ve had a very difficult time since your parents’ death, and Esme and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. And our neighborhood is very fancy and safe, and if anyone saw Count Olaf, they would alert the authorities immediately.”

“But he was in disguise!” Violet shouted.

“Now, please don’t argue with me.” Jerome said. “I hate to argue.”

“Sometimes it’s useful and necessary to argue.” Lilac said.

“As siblings, we know that very well.” Nick said.

“I can’t think of a single argument that would be useful or necessary,” Jerome said. “For instance, Esme made reservations for us here, and I can’t stand the taste of salmon.”

“Huxley,” said Sunny, meaning, _“Maybe if you had argued with her, you could have had a dinner you enjoyed.”_

Jerome waved his hand, and their waiter approached. “I’d like to pay the bill. We don’t want the children to be up past their bedtimes.”

The waiter nodded. “I didn’t realize this was a sad occasion.”

Jerome blinked. “Why, of course it’s not.”

“Did you say-?” Lilac began.

The waiter didn’t pay attention to her, instead handing the bill to Jerome and moving away.

 

As they reached 667 Dark Avenue, the doorman let them in, saying, “Be careful in the lobby. Ocean decorating is in now, so it’s being repainted.”

“Oh, I wish we’d’ve known that.” Jerome said. “We could’ve brought you something from the fish district.”

“Snake?” Solitude asked, peering into the lobby. But as they walked in, they saw no reptile decorations- not even alligators or crocodiles. Solitude huffed and leaned against Nick.

“Has Gunther left?” Lilac asked the doorman.

He shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone by the name of Gunther.”

“Have you seen anyone by the name of Count Olaf?” Nick asked. The doorman once again shook his head.

The children then headed up the long stairs, passing around Sunny and Solitude as they climbed with Jerome. When they reached the top of the penthouse, they saw Esme waiting for them, leaning against the door.

“Ah! You’re all back! Splendid! I thought I heard you coming!” said Esme. “Children, go to bed, and I’ll tell Jerome all about the In Auction we planned!”

“Is Gunther still here?” Violet asked nervously.

“Oh, no. He left a while ago.” Esme said.

“But the doorman-” Nick began.

“Don’t argue with me.” Esme said. “Off to bed.”

The Baudelaires hesitantly glanced towards each other, and then nodded.

They agreed to go to bed, but they were not planning on sleeping much.


	11. in which Klaus finds an Ersatz Elevator

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

_ in which Klaus finds an Ersatz Elevator _

 

“It’s not fair!” Klaus said, punching a pillow. “Olaf is right here, and once again, nobody believes us!” 

“And it’s not just that.” Nick said, leaning off the top bunk as he glanced down at his siblings, and Solitude held Babbitt up to say hello to him. “It’s not just that nobody believes us. It’s that the Quagmires’ lives are at stake.” 

“I just keep thinking of all the horrible things he could do to them.” Lilac said. 

“Well, don’t do that.” Violet said. “We need to figure out his plan. Maybe he’s planning to auction us off?” 

“It’s illegal to auction off children.” Klaus said. 

“Squ?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “Do you think the Squalors are working for him?”  _

“No.” Violet shook her head. “There’d be no reason for them to play along with him, they could just leave us with him.” 

“How did he leave without the doorman seeing him?” Nick asked. 

“Maybe the doorman fell asleep and was embarrassed to say.” Violet said. 

“Maybe he left right before we arrived, and took the elevator.” Nick said. “That way we wouldn’t see him.” 

“Out.” Solitude shook her head. 

“Just because it’s  _ out _ doesn’t mean it’s  _ out of order.”  _ Nick said. “He could’ve used it anyway.” 

“Esme wouldn’t have let him.” Lilac sighed, rolling up her sleeves. 

“And we can’t turn him into the police until we find the Quagmires.” Nick said sadly. 

“Maybe he was bluffing.” Violet said. 

“If he was bluffing, that means the Quagmires…” Klaus trailed off, looking ready to cry. “If he did anything to Duncan- or- or Isadora…” 

“We can kill him after we find the Quagmires.” Nick said. 

“Killing’s still illegal, Nick.” Klaus said, grabbing the pillow and hugging it to himself. 

“I think we should have a pass by now.” Nick said. 

“Maybe he hid them in the penthouse.” Violet said. “It’s certainly big enough that they could be here and we’d have no idea. And Olaf’s living here, too, and that’s why we never saw him leave.” 

“We’ve been here for a week.” Lilac said. “Surely we’d’ve run into  _ something.”  _

“Nobody asked  _ you!”  _ Violet snapped. 

“I’m not going to let us chase red herrings!” Lilac shouted back, hurt. 

“Oh, go tell us not to swear or some shit!” 

“Stop fighting!” Solitude shouted, standing up and holding out her arms. “No fighting! ‘S what Olaf wants!” 

Everyone fell silent. Then, Nick said, “Solitude’s right. If we fight, we can’t solve this problem.” 

“Let’s…” Violet sighed, sitting beside Klaus and grabbing her ribbon to tie her hair back. “Let’s go over what we know. Olaf had to have gotten out of the penthouse, but he didn’t take the stairs. So he must’ve taken the elevator.” 

“But he couldn’t have, not without pissing off Esme.” Klaus said. 

“Unless she didn’t see him?” Violet said. “Maybe she stayed in the penthouse.” 

“Wouldn’t she want to see him out?” Nick said. 

“She’s not  _ that _ polite.” Violet shrugged. 

“It’s getting late.” Lilac said quietly, glancing at the clock. “Maybe we should get some sleep and figure it out in the morning.” 

“How can we sleep when the Quagmires are in danger and Olaf is nearby?” Nick asked. 

“We’ll do our best.” Lilac said. “We all know what happens if we try to defeat Olaf without sleep.” 

They all fell silent, and then they nodded. 

 

The next morning, however, to everyone’s surprise, they actually did figure things out very fast. 

When they awoke the next morning, Jerome quickly told them that Esme told him that aqueous martinis were out and parsley soda was in, so he had to go into town and buy lots of parsley soda while Esme had brunch with the King of Arizona. As soon as he left, Violet said, “Well, now we have time to think about how Olaf got out of the house.” 

“Maybe he climbed out the window.” Nick said glumly. 

“He doesn’t seem the type.” Lilac shook her head. 

“I still think he took the elevator.” Violet said. 

“He can’t have-” Lilac began. 

At that, Klaus sat up, suddenly thinking of something. “The elevator.” he said. 

“What?” Nick slid off the top bunk. 

“The  _ elevator!”  _ Klaus said. “Oh my gosh, guys, we’ve been so  _ stupid!”  _

“Well, yeah, always, but why?” Nick said. 

“Come with me.” Klaus said, and he leapt off the bed. “I think I know how Olaf got out… and possibly, I may have figured out a way to find the Quagmires.” 

 

“Look,” Klaus said, as they exited the penthouse and went onto the landing of the stairs, “The elevator doors in the lobby would lead up to here, right?” 

“Yeah.” Nick said. “That’s how elevators work.” 

“What do you girls know about elevators?” Klaus asked, turning to Lilac and Violet. 

“I know how to fix them.” Lilac said. 

“I know quite a bit, actually.” Violet said. “Ben gave me elevator blueprints for my birthday. It’s essentially a platform, surrounded by an enclosure, that moves along the vertical axis via an endlessly looped belt and a series of ropes.” 

“It’s controlled by a push-button console that regulates an electromagnetic braking system so the transport sequence can be halted at any access point the passenger desires.” Lilac infodumped. 

“In normal-people speak,” Nick said, “It’s a box that moves up or down. But who cares?” 

“Yeah.” Solitude nodded. 

“Freijip?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “How can you think of elevators at a time like this?”  _

“Here’s the thing.” Klaus said. “Outside the door to this penthouse, there are two pairs of elevator doors. There’s only one in the lobby, and one on every other floor.” 

“That’s true.” Violet said, suddenly realizing, her eyes drifting to the second pair of doors. “It means only one elevator can stop at the top floor… but then where’s the exit?” 

“I don’t think it’s really an elevator.” Klaus said. “There isn’t actually an elevator here.” 

“Then it’s just an empty shaft.” Lilac said. 

“It’s ersatz.” Klaus nodded. “Meaning it could, very easily, be a hiding place.” 

“A hiding place.” Nick echoed. 

“That’s why elevators are out.” Lilac said. “So Gunther can hide here.” 

Nick walked over to the second elevator. “Well, then,” he said, “Let’s see what’s here.” He moved towards the panel. “Now,” he said, “Why would you need an up arrow if you’re at the top floor?” 

Violet joined him and quickly pressed the  _ Up  _ button, and they watched as the sliding doors opened. The children peered into the shaft, and quickly, Sunny said, “Lakry,” meaning,  _ “There are no ropes.”  _

“There’s no belt, either.” Violet said. “Nor a push-button console, or electromagnetic braking system.” 

“There isn’t even an enclosed platform.” Lilac said. 

“It’s ersatz.” Klaus repeated. 

They stared for a moment, and then Lilac said, “We have to get down there.” 

“The Quagmires could be there.” Klaus agreed. 

Nick and Violet glanced at each other. “Maybe we should ask the Squalors for help, when they get back?” Violet suggested. 

“We don’t have time to wait for them, and we definitely don’t have time to argue with them.” Lilac said. “If Olaf left this way, there’ll be an exit, so we won’t need a way up…” 

“But he might’ve left a clue, so we have to look.” Klaus said. 

“We could tie ourselves a rope to go down.” Lilac suggested. 

“We’d need a lot of fabric.” Violet said. Then she paused, and said, “Or maybe not. Do you guys remember craft room number three?” 

“The one with all the out items?” Nick huffed. 

Violet pulled out her ribbon, tying back her hair. “I think it may just be useful. Nick, can you get us there?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Then that’s where we’re going. Come on, move your asses. We have some friends to save.” 

 

As soon as they reached the craft room, Violet said, “Okay, everyone, gather up these items: Lilac, get that giant basket. It could fit all of us, right?” 

“Yeah.” Lilac nodded. “Why-” 

“Nick, get those blankets, and I’ll tie them together with the Devil’s Tongue Knot.” Violet continued. “Klaus, get some rope. Soli, Sunny, get me flashlights. We’ll need them.” 

“What are you planning?” Klaus asked, grabbing the rope. 

Lilac realized first, as she was pushing the basket over. “Oh, Violet,” she said, “This is a horrible plan.” 

“Are you going to stop me?” 

Lilac smirked. “Oh, hell no.” 

Violet smirked right back, as Nick said. “What? What are we doing?” 

“We’re making ourselves a parachute basket.” Lilac said. “We’re going to drop ourselves down the elevator.” 

“Help me tie these.” Violet said, dropping to her knees. “Then we’ll attach the parachute to the ropes, and the ropes to the basket. 

“This is an awful plan.” Nick said. “We could totally die.” 

“So you’re all in?” Violet asked. 

“Of course I am. What else can I do?” 

“Leave a note for the Squalors.” Violet said. “Tell them we went shopping for pinstripe suits. Oh, Lilac, hand me that cup.” 

“Lying! Fun!” Nick said. 

“Why do you need this cup?” Lilac asked. 

“Might be useful.” Violet shrugged. 

Lilac sighed, tossing her the cup. “Solitude, make sure Babbitt is safe in your pocket. We don’t want them to fall out in the shaft.” 

Solitude nodded seriously and patted her pocket. 

“This could take a while.” Violet said, looking at the blankets. “We better hope we can get this finished before the Squalors come back.” 

“We will.” Nick said, smiling at her. “You guys finally have a plan, meaning we’re totally gonna win this thing.” 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, First Matey!” Violet said, mockingly saluting him. “Now go write us a ransom note!” 

“Aye aye, captain!” Nick said. 

“Bull, I’m the captain.” Lilac protested jokingly. 

“What am I?” Klaus asked. 

“You’re the mermaid we pick up on the way.” Nick said. 

“Sweet.” Klaus nodded. “And Soli and Sunny are the parrots?” 

“Solitude is,” Nick said, moving past him to find a pencil and paper, “Sunny is the albatross that curses us.” 

“Doom!” Sunny cheered. 

“No, no curses right now.” Lilac giggled, starting to die. “We’re gonna need all the luck we can get.” 

 

It took a long while, but eventually they got the basket contraption together. They all placed Solitude and Sunny inside, and then pushed the basket out into the hall. It barely made it past the doors, but it seemed like it would fit into the elevator shaft.

Nick climbed in first, grabbing Solitude, followed by Violet, and then Lilac and Klaus. 

“Are you ready?” Lilac asked. 

“No.” Klaus said honestly. 

“None of us are ready, are we?” Nick asked quietly. 

“If we wait until we’re ready,” Violet said, “We’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” 

They nodded at each other, and then they pushed the basket into the shaft. 

For a few brief seconds, they were falling fast. And then the parachute opened up, and their descent slowed. They all breathed sighs of relief, moving to sit in the basket as best they could. 

“Dark.” Sunny said. 

“That’s what the flashlights are for.” Nick said. “Klaus, you have them?” 

“Yeah, I…” Klaus paused. “Wait, no, that’s the spyglass. Shit… here, got it!” he turned a flashlight on, shining a light up onto their parachute. 

“It worked.” Violet smiled.  

“We never expected otherwise.” Klaus said. 

“Question?” Solitude said, holding up her arm. 

“Yeah, Sol?” Nick asked. 

“If we find Olaf there,” Solitude said, sounding out her words very slowly, still getting used to speaking sentences, “What do we do?” 

They froze a moment. 

“We,” Nick said, “Suck at thinking things through.” 

“We’ll…” Lilac sighed. “Guess we’ll go with Nick’s plan. Fight him until he stops moving.” 

“Whoo! One for Nick!” Nick cheered. 

“No! Still illegal!” Klaus said. 

“I’m down for murder.” Violet shrugged. 

“Shh!” Lilac said. “I thought I heard a voice!” 

They all fell silent, and then the older four scampered to their feet, peering over the edge of the basket. 

“I don’t see much.” Nick said. “Klaus, shine the flashlight over here.” 

Klaus shined the light, and it hit, several feet below them and to their left, several metal bars. 

“Holy shit.” Violet said. 

They all backed up slightly in the basket, and Violet took the flashlight, grabbing the cup and shoving it over the flashlight to make a makeshift lamp. She held it up as the basket dropped to the floor, the parachute falling behind them. 

Up ahead, in a large, metal cage, were the Quagmire triplets. 

“Duncan!” Klaus called. 

“Isadora!” Violet shouted. 

“Quagmires!” Lilac and Nick said. 

“Ypu!” Solitude and Sunny said, which meant something like,  _ “Pick us up! We can’t see them!”  _ Quickly, Lilac and Nick picked up the girls, but after a moment, as their eyes adjusted to the dim light, they started to wish they hadn’t. 

Duncan and Isadora looked completely awful. They clearly hadn’t washed up in several days, and they still wore their Prufrock uniforms, though they were dirtied and ripped. Their hair was a mess, they both had a bruise or scar here or there, but worst of all, there was something dark behind their eyes. Like all the light inside had gone out.  It took the Baudelaires a while to find the word for it. 

_ Haunted.  _

The Quagmires stared at the Baudelaires, and Duncan said quietly, “Isa, are we seeing the same thing?” 

He reached over, grabbing her arm and holding her very close to him. Isadora said, “I don’t know.” 

“I remember reading that sometimes people in desperate situations hallucinate good things.” Duncan said. 

“I read that, too.” Klaus said, reaching out his hand. “But we’re right here. We’re here to rescue you.” 

Slowly, Isadora reached out her hand, grazing his fingers; it was too hard for Klaus to reach farther through the cage. 

“You’re here.” Isadora said quietly. 

“We’re here.” Lilac nodded, tears springing to her eyes. “We’re here and we’re  _ sorry.”  _

“We’re going to get you out of here.” Violet said. 

“What has he done to you?” Lilac asked. 

“Are you okay?” Nick asked. 

The Quagmires blinked at them for a moment, as if in shock. Then Duncan started to cry, and he moved to the edge of the cage so he could grab Klaus’s hand. Isadora moved, too, wiping tears away with her sleeve, and Lilac held out her free hand for her to hold. 

“You’re here.” Duncan said. “We didn’t think…” 

“You found us.” Isadora said. 

“We’ll always find you.” Nick said. “You’re our friends, and we’re not letting that bastard hurt you any more.” 

Solitude leaned over, pulling Babbitt from her pocket and showing the triplets. “Babbitt missed you.” she said, and Babbitt chirped agreement. 

Isadora stared for a moment, and then she let out a slight, broken laugh. “We missed Babbitt, too.” 

Babbitt hopped back onto Soli’s shoulder, and then she said, “Soli missed you, too.” 

Duncan and Isadora looked about ready to break down. “We missed you, too.” Duncan said. “We missed you all.” 

“We missed you so much.” Violet said. 

“Has he kept you in here all week?” Lilac asked. 

“I don’t know.” Duncan said. “We can’t tell time in here. They sneak us out to use the bathroom every now and again, and sometimes one of Olaf’s henchpeople brings us food, but we don’t know when. And sometimes… sometimes Olaf comes in, just to brag. He keeps saying all these horrible things, he says that once we’re of age and he can get our fortune-” 

“Don’t.” Isadora shook, gripping tight to Lilac’s hand. “Don’t make me think about it, Duncan, I don’t want to think about what he’s  _ said!”  _

“He’s said quite a lot of things.” Duncan said quietly. 

“But the good news is, he’s said what his plan is.” Isadora said. “He couldn’t help bragging about it.” 

“He’s going to smuggle us out in the auction tonight,” Duncan said, flipping through his commonplace book, which he still had in his pocket, though it looked slightly worn. “He’s going to hide us in one of the items for sale, but he didn’t say which one.” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Klaus said. “You’re not going to the auction.” 

“We’re getting you out.” Violet said. She reached forwards, seeing a lock on the cage door. “Lilac, do you have your pins?” 

Lilac shook her head, and Isadora said, “That won’t work, it’s not an ordinary enough pin-tumbler lock.” 

“We could try burning it open.” Violet said. “I could try to make a flamethrower.” 

“You’re not making a flamethrower.” Lilac said. 

“Try the spyglass.” Isadora said. “Do you have it?” 

Klaus confusedly released Duncan’s hand to pull it out, and Violet quickly grabbed it instead. Klaus held out the spyglass, and he said, “How can it help?” 

“Flip the dials like… this.” Isadora reached out, moving the dials on the side of the spyglass. At that, the lid flipped open, and it emitted a low orange glow. “That’s heat.” 

“How do you know that?” Lilac asked. 

“We found the book.” Duncan said. “It had everything on the spyglass- and more stuff.” 

“There was so much in there.” Isadora said, almost breathless, as Violet took the spyglass and aimed it at the lock. “About our parents, and your guardians-” 

“It’s all connected.” Duncan repeated. “VFD.” 

“What’s-” Lilac began. 

“Son of a bitch.” Violet muttered. “The lock won’t break. It just gets hot.” 

Lilac glanced down at the lock, which was looking slightly red but wasn’t breaking at all. She leaned over and said, “We’ll need to get materials in the penthouse. How do we…” she narrowed her eyes, glancing at the parachute. “Heat rises.” 

“Heat rises.” Violet repeated, running for the parachute. 

“You’re leaving?” Duncan asked. 

“Just for a bit.” Lilac promised. “Someone should stay with the triplets.” 

“Me!” Sunny volunteered. 

“No, no!” Isadora said. “Stay together.” She smiled a little. “You’re stronger together.” 

“But come back soon.” Duncan said. 

“We will.” Lilac promised. “And then we’ll  _ all _ be together, okay?” 

“We trust you.” Isadora nodded, grabbing Duncan’s arm. 

“You’re our best friends.” Violet said, as she placed the spyglass under part of the parachute. 

“We love you both.” Nick said. 

“We love you all, too.”  Duncan said. 

“See you soon.” Isadora said. 

All the Baudelaires had tears in their eyes as they nodded. 

Then Violet slowly moved the dials on the spyglass, and it heated up more. The parachute rose, and so did the basket. 

“We’ll be back soon!” Violet promised. 

“We’ll see you as soon as possible!” Klaus said. 

“We’ll set you free!” Nick said. 

“Soon!” Solitude and Sunny cried. 

Lilac didn’t say anything; she just stared down at the triplets, trying not to cry as she saw them wave hopefully after them. They looked so broken, so hurt. And they were just children. 

_ Just like us.  _

It hit Lilac then.  _ We’re just kids. We’re just kids. This shouldn’t be happening to us.  _

But it was. 

And now Lilac had to make sure all of this stopped. Before the Quagmires could suffer more. 

And before what happened to them could happen to her siblings. 


	12. in which the Baudelaires fall

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

_ in which the Baudelaires fall _

 

“Um, Violet?” Klaus said. “What’s that?” 

Violet glanced up at the parachute. They’d managed to get about halfway back up the shaft, and everyone had been completely silent, afraid that if they spoke, they would burst into tears. 

“The parachute’s lit up.” Klaus said. “That doesn’t seem good.” 

Violet glanced up, indeed seeing that their parachute was glowing a faint orange. “No, it’s not.” she said. 

“Fire?” Sunny asked nervously. 

“God, don’t let it be on fire.” Nick said, grabbing Solitude. 

“It isn’t  _ yet.”  _ Lilac said. “We need to cool it down.” 

“If we cool it down, we’ll drop.” Nick said. 

Violet paused, looking from the spyglass to the parachute. Then, she said, “Do you all trust me?” 

“Of course.” Klaus said. Nick and Solitude quickly nodded, and Sunny shot her a thumbs-up. 

“Lilac?” Violet asked. 

“That depends on what you’re doing.” Lilac said carefully. 

Violet bit her lip. “I’m gonna fix this.” 

Then she shut the spyglass off. 

There was a tense pause as the parachute cooled, and then the basket fell. Klaus let out a panicked scream, grabbing onto the edge of the basket for dear life. Nick dropped to the ground, covering Solitude as best he could and reaching to pull in Sunny, who barely reacted. Lilac let out a shriek, but Violet very calmly worked the dials on the spyglass, trying to figure it out. 

“Stop screaming, Klaus, you’ll scare the Quagmires.” Violet said. “You, too, Li. Almost- there!” 

She flipped the dials, and the spyglass lit up again. The parachute ascended, and Klaus stopped screaming, breathing hard. Nick sat back, releasing the toddlers, and Lilac said,  _ “Give us some warning next time!”  _

“Okay.” Violet said. “We’ve got maybe a minute before I have to do that again.” 

Nick reached forwards and grabbed the toddlers again. 

“No!” Klaus said. “Violet, don’t-” 

“It’s either keep turning this off-and-on,” Violet said, “Or the parachute explodes. Do you want the parachute to explode?” 

“Not especially.” 

“Then shut up and let me work. We’re going off. Hold on. You may want to sit down, actually. Helps if you’re not looking down.” 

Klaus sat, followed quickly by Lilac, who looked like she wanted to puke as Violet shut the spyglass off and let them drop several feet, before turning it back on and letting them ascend again. 

“Not so bad.” Solitude muttered. Then, she said, “Radec,” which meant,  _ “Just think of it as a ride, instead of an actual fall.”  _

“Yeah. Like that amusement park we went to before Soli was born.” Lilac said, reaching out to grab Klaus’s hand. “Remember? And Nick forced you on all the scary rides.” 

“This is worse.” Klaus said. 

“Well, good.” Nick laughed nervously. “Means you’ll be fine next time we go.” 

“Going off.” Violet said. 

They dropped and flinched, and then when they started to rise again, Klaus said, “You think we’ll ever go back?” 

“Yeah.” Nick said. “Yeah, soon as Olaf’s gone, and we get our fortune, first thing we’ll do is take our girls and the Quagmires to the amusement park.” 

“Well,” Lilac said, “The first thing we’ll do is get a house and necessities. But yes, then we can do something fun.” 

“Isadora would love the scary stuff.” Nick smiled ruefully. 

“And Duncan would love that cotton candy that’s there.” Klaus sighed. “He told me he likes sweet things.” 

“Going off!” Violet said, and Klaus leaned into Nick’s shoulder. Nick put an arm around him and hugged him close, still shielding the toddlers with the rest of his body as they dropped again. When they started to rise again, though, Violet said, “We’re almost there. But the thing is, I’m not sure how to get the basket back in.” 

“We may have to jump.” Lilac said. “Nick, you take Soli. I’ll take Sunny. Violet, take the spyglass. Klaus, don’t die- actually, Violet, make sure Klaus doesn’t die.” 

“Good call.” Klaus said nervously. 

“We’ll go a few feet above the elevator doors. They should still be open, they didn’t seem to close while we got supplies.” Violet said. “Then I’ll shut the spyglass off, and we’ll jump for it. If you fall, try to slow your descent by scraping against the wall, or landing in the basket. You can probably cut the parachute out and use it for yourself.” 

“What happens if we all fall?” Nick asked. 

“Then we’re fucked.” Violet said. “Now, everyone ready?” 

“Asill.” Sunny nodded. 

“Um-” Lilac began. 

“Good.” Violet said. “There’s the door- I’m going to count to six.” 

They nodded, and Nick held Solitude very close to him, even as she muttered that he had to be careful not to squish Babbitt. Sunny clung to Lilac, though she looked very excited, and Klaus moved very close to Violet. 

“One… two… three…” Violet counted. “Four… five…”  

_ “Six!”  _

Violet shut the spyglass off, shoving it into her pocket and grabbing Klaus’s arm. She and Klaus leapt first, managing to land on the floor outside the elevator and only sliding slightly. They ran fast to give their siblings room, and turned to see Lilac jump next, shouting, “Violet, think fast!” Knowing exactly what this meant, Violet raced forwards and caught Sunny, who’d been thrown at her. Lilac landed hard on the ground, groaning, but rolling aside to leave room for Nick, who jumped as fast as he could, only barely managing to hit the floor, flipping mid-air so he landed on his back, cushioning the fall for Solitude, who giggled and cheered as they watched the basket topple out of sight. 

“Is everyone okay?” Lilac asked. 

“Fine.” Sunny nodded. 

“Fuck.” Nick said. 

“Babbitt?” Solitude asked. They heard a worried chirp, and she said, “Babbitt fine.” 

“I hope that doesn’t scare the Quagmires.” Klaus said. 

“They’ll see it’s empty.” Lilac said. “We have to get them out of there.” 

“How are we going to get down without the basket?” Klaus asked. 

“We’ll build another one, or make a rope.” Violet said. “There’ll be an exit down there, that’ll be how Olaf got out. But first and foremost, we need to make a flamethrower.” 

“No, we’re going to make a _ lockpick.” _ Lilac said. “Flamethrower’s too volatile. Besides, I don’t trust you with it.” 

“What if I gave it to Nick?” 

“I’d trust him with a flamethrower even less.” 

“That’s fair.” Nick shrugged. 

“Let’s get started.” Lilac said, standing up quickly and helping Sunny to her feet before starting to tie back her hair. “We’ll need to search the penthouse- Violet, what’ll we need to pick that kind of lock?” 

Violet reached for her ribbon, and then froze. “Someone’s coming up the staircase.” 

“Shit!” Nick shouted, placing Solitude on the ground and running to the elevator, hitting the  _ down  _ arrow. The doors slid shut, and the siblings whipped around, trying to look inconspicuous. 

Almost the second the elevator doors slid shut, Esme reached the top of the staircase, looking confusedly at the children. “What are you all doing out here?” she asked. 

“Um…” Klaus began. 

“Waiting… for… you?” Nick guessed. 

“How was the King of Arizona?” Lilac asked. 

“He was…” Esme trailed off. “What are you covered in?” 

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, realizing, with a jolt, that some kind of dust had managed to get onto their suits- presumably from the elevator shaft. 

“Drugs?” Nick said. 

“Nick, shut the  _ fuck _ up.” Violet said. 

Esme narrowed her eyes. “What are you children up to?” 

The Baudelaires gave each other concerned glances. “We, um…” Violet said. 

Esme gave each of them a curious look, and then said, “Come inside with me. To the parlor.” She moved past them as they looked at each other in shock and fear, and Esme said, “Come along now! Don’t dilly-dally! That’s an  _ in  _ way of saying you should hurry up!” 

Slowly, Solitude toddled after her, muttering something to Babbitt, and Nick grabbed Klaus’s arm and dragged him after her. Violet and Lilac grimaced, but Lilac carried Sunny inside, and Violet followed close at her heels, glancing at the elevator as she did. 

Esme sat them down in the parlor, and then said, “Now, stay here. I’m going to get you all some parsley soda, and then come right back.” 

She spun on her heel, exiting out a door behind them. As she did, Nick said, “Should I go after her and tell her the kitchen was out the other door?” 

“She’ll figure it out.” Klaus said. “We’re fucked.” 

“We’re not…” Lilac sighed, pushing her braids back. “Listen. We need a good excuse. Esme’s dumb, she’ll believe whatever we tell her.” 

“Maybe she could help?” Violet suggested. 

“Doubt it.” Nick said. “She’s a bitch, Vi, she’ll probably not believe us, like everyone else, and then make us wear other stupid clothes.” 

“If that happens,” Lilac said, “We’ll just get our materials behind her back and sneak out. She doesn’t care much about what we do anyway, it’ll be easy.” 

“Yeet Babbitt.” Solitude suggested. 

“You’re not throwing Babbitt at her face.” Lilac said. 

“Let her, it’ll be funny.” Nick said. 

“No!” 

“I think there was more rope in the craft rooms.” Klaus said, interrupting. “We can slide down the elevator shaft. It’d be difficult to climb back up, but we’ll have to hope whatever exit is down there is easy to reach.” 

“Shit, you don’t think it’d be locked, do you?” Violet said. 

“That’s what lockpicks are for.” Lilac said. 

“And if all else fails, we wait until Olaf comes to get them and then we stab him.” Nick said. 

“Stop suggesting murder!” Klaus said. 

“Well, what do you-” Nick began. 

But Esme walked in, then, from the opposite door, now carrying a box of parsley soda. “Sorry that took so long, darlings,” she said, sounding much kinder than normal, “But I got a bit lost.” 

“You know this penthouse better than I do.” Nick said. 

“Yes, and even I still get lost from time to time. It really is  _ big,  _ isn’t it?” Esme said. She placed the box on the table and started passing out the sodas- three to Lilac, Violet and Klaus on the couch, one to Nick on the chair, and two to Sunny and Soli on the floor. “Careful not to spill.” 

Lilac and Klaus opened their sodas first, taking a sip and instantly flinching. “It tastes like parsley.” Klaus said. 

“Yes, doesn’t it?” Esme said, taking a swig. “But no more stalling, Baudelaires. What were you doing?” 

They glanced at each other. “It’s… hard to explain.” Nick said. 

“But it’s important.” Lilac added. 

“Well, you can tell me, I’m important.” Esme said. After a beat, then, she added, “And  _ you’re  _ important to me.” The children all jumped in surprise, and she said, “Children, I know I haven’t been very attentive recently. I have just been very busy with the auction. But I am your guardian, and I care about you. So, please, tell me what’s going on.” 

The Baudelaires stared at her in shock for a moment, and then they smiled a little. “It’s Count Olaf.” Lilac said shakily. “He’s here.” 

“He disguised himself as Gunther and has been lying to you.” Violet said. “He’s not really an auctioneer, and he’s here to kidnap us somehow.” 

“He’s got the Quagmires hidden in a secret passage.” Nick said. 

“There’s two elevator doors outside of your penthouse.” Klaus said. “One leads to the elevator, the other is a secret tunnel. The Quagmires are at the bottom. That’s also how Olaf gets in and out of the building.” 

“And he’ll use the auction to smuggle them out of town. He’s going to hide them in something, and somehow he’s got a plan to take us, too, I know it.” Lilac added. 

“And then he’ll use us to steal our fortunes once we come of age.” Klaus said. 

“Bad man!” Solitude added helpfully, while Sunny growled. 

Esme looked between the children, almost unreadably. And then she said, “Well, this is the least in thing I’ve ever heard. But don’t you worry, Baudelaires, we’ll take care of it!” 

“Really?” Lilac looked amazed. 

“Of course! We’ll call the police and have them arrest Count Olaf immediately!” Esme said. “Unfortunately, our phone is broken, so we’ll have to use the one in the lobby. Come with me, and your friends will be rescued before you know it!” 

Lilac and Klaus quickly got to their feet, each grabbing one of the toddlers before racing to follow. Violet was close at their heels, linking one hand with Klaus as she beamed. Nick fell to the back of the group, thinking hard.  _ Our phone is broken?  _ Since when? 

They had to walk through a parlor to get to the door, and as they did, Nick stopped a moment, glancing at the phone. It didn’t  _ look _ broken. 

“Hey, guys?” he called, but they didn’t hear him, so he started to run to catch up. 

“Now,” Esme said, as she walked them out the door, stopping them before they could get onto the stairs, “It’ll take  _ forever _ to go down those stairs, won’t it?” 

“We could slide down the railing? It’s pretty fun!” Violet suggested. 

“No, no. Oh! I know!” Esme said. 

Then, quietly, the Baudelaires heard a soft  _ ding.  _

“We’ll take the elevator.” 

And then, with a grand gesture, Esme pushed the group of children ahead of her, and they fell down the elevator shaft. 

They let out sharp screams, and Lilac and Klaus gripped tightly onto their toddlers as they did. All they saw for several panicked moments was complete blackness, and all they felt was pure shock and horror. 

And then, with a  _ swish, _ there was a  _ thump, thump, thump,  _ and the Baudelaires stopped falling. 

It took Klaus several seconds to stop screaming. When he finally did, gasping and shaking, he looked down at Sunny in his arms; he could barely see her in the dark, dark shaft, but he could see slight movement. It would take their eyes a second to adjust. 

“We’re alive.” he said, reaching down; they’d landed on some kind of net. “We’re okay!” 

“No!” Violet shouted. “We’re  _ not _ okay! We’re not half okay! We’re not even one-twenty-seventh okay! Our guardian just threw us down an elevator shaft!” 

It took Lilac a moment to process what was happening. “We’re alive?” she shouted. 

They then heard a call from several feet above them. “You  _ are _ alive, Baudelaires, but you are definitely  _ not _ okay!” 

The Baudelaires looked up, barely being able to see a shape moving in the speck of light that made up the elevator exit as Esme continued to boast. “You and the Quagmires are going to be smuggled out of town, and I can guarantee that you orphans will never be okay again!” 

“What?” Klaus looked hurt. 

“How could you do this?” Lilac shouted, still struggling to see in the dim light. 

“Well, I don’t know,”  came their guardian’s sly voice. “Let’s ask my former acting coach, shall we?” 

The children then heard the chilling, cold, familiar voice of Count Olaf, also shouting down. “Hello, hello, hello children!” 

“No!” Lilac screamed, grabbing onto Soli, who let out a wail. 

“Nhojnod!” Sunny shouted.  _ “You bastard!”  _

“You were working with Olaf the entire time?” Klaus shouted. “You knew who he was all along?” 

“Of course I did!” Esme called. “I’m an  _ actor.  _ I was  _ acting!”  _

“Yes, and she did very good!” Olaf called. “I’m very impressed with my beautiful associate.” 

“You are our guardian!” Violet screamed. “You’re supposed to keep us safe, not throw us down elevator shafts, work with villains, and try to steal our fortune!” 

Esme shouted down, her voice suddenly growing less amused and more furious, “But I want to steal from you! I want to steal from you the way  _ Beatrice stole from me!”  _

The children were silent for a shocked second, and then Violet shouted, “How  _ dare you?”  _

“Our Mother- she-” Klaus began, stumbling over his words. 

Lilac, however, narrowed her eyes as they started to adjust to the light. Something was wrong. Something was even more wrong than they thought, she could feel it. 

“Although, well,” Esme’s voice returned to its former amusement, as Olaf began to laugh wickedly behind her, “I’ve got a good head start on that, haven’t I?” 

“What?” Violet paused. “What does she mean?” 

Lilac glanced around the net. 

“Call it a… an extra safety net.” Esme said. “In case you brats happen to fall some more.” 

At that moment, Lilac’s eyes adjusted better to the darkness, and she realized exactly what Esme meant. 

_ No.  _

Her heart was pounding in her chest, her blood was racing, she felt cold, and hot, and dizzy, and sick, and shocked, and numb, and everything and nothing at once. 

_ No, no, no, no, no…  _

“Guys?” Lilac said, her voice barely a whisper. “Where’s Nick?” 

They froze. Even the children whose eyes hadn’t adjusted yet suddenly realized that he hadn’t said anything- something very, very unlike him. 

“Nick!” Violet screamed, shooting up and instantly falling over onto the net. 

“Nick!” Klaus shouted, as Sunny let out a scream.  _ “Nick, where are you?”  _

Solitude was completely and utterly frozen, and then she let out the loudest and most piercing shriek that any of the children had ever heard. 

“Oh, your brother is fine for now.” came Olaf’s voice. “He’s right here, actually. My associate grabbed him while you fools were walking right into Esme’s wonderful trap. Would you like to let him speak for a moment?” 

There was a second, and then they heard Nick let out a scream. 

“No!” Lilac shouted, and Solitude continued to wail. 

“Let him  _ go!”  _ Violet screamed, jumping for the wall, scraping against it, trying to find some kind of handhold or foothold or  _ anything. _ “Let  _ him go!”  _

“Give him back! Fucking give him  _ back!”  _ Klaus screamed. 

“Nick!” Sunny wailed.  _ “Nick!”  _

“Don’t you  _ dare _ hurt him!” Violet shrieked. 

“If you lay a  _ finger _ on him,” Lilac shouted, fury taking over, and she too began pounding on the walls, “I will  _ rip _ out your  _ fucking  _ insides and strangle you with them!” 

“What a temper you all have!” Esme called. “Please, you’ll be reunited soon enough, so long as you stay there like good little children and let us drag you off to our next hideout!” 

“Let go!” they heard Nick scream. “Let go of-” 

He was cut off by another shout, and then Olaf said, “That’s enough talking for now, don’t you think? The rest of you miserable orphans, you stay put. We’ll come fetch you after the auction.” 

“Let go of our brother!” Klaus screamed. 

“Don’t you  _ dare _ hurt him!” Violet cried, tears springing to her eyes. 

“If anything happens to him-” Lilac shouted. 

“I don’t see how any threats from you will matter,” said Olaf, “Seeing as we have the high ground in practically every way.” 

And with that, they saw the slight specks above them disappear past the elevator doors. 

“No!” Lilac shrieked.  _ “No!”  _

“Nick!” Solitude shrieked, and Babbitt crawled from her pocket, leaning against her neck to try and comfort her. “Nick!  _ Nick!”  _

Sunny burst into sobs, and after only a moment, all of her siblings joined her. 


	13. in which Sunny crawls up an elevator shaft

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

_ in which Sunny crawls up an elevator shaft  _

 

“This is all my fault.” Lilac wailed, curling up and crying into her lap. “It’s my fault, I should’ve… I didn’t even notice he wasn’t with us until…” 

“No!” Violet almost leapt over the net, grabbing her older sister’s hands. “It is  _ not _ your fault! This is  _ not _ because of you, and we are  _ going _ to get him back! Do you hear me? We’re  _ getting our brother back!”  _ She was screaming so loud, trying to convince herself as well as Lilac. 

Klaus was sitting against the wall, clutching his stomach and breathing hard. Right now, for him, everything was blurry, dizzy. The world was spinning around him, and he felt like he was couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even cry anymore. 

Sunny said, “Klaus!” and Lilac and Violet spotted him. They rushed over, and Lilac quickly picked up Sunny from his lap, carefully placing her beside them on the net. Solitude, still crying softly, crawled over to see if she could help. 

“Klaus, Klaus, hey.” Violet said, grabbing his hands. “Just breathe, okay? Look at me- can you see me? Just take deep breaths. You’re okay. We’re going to be okay.” 

Lilac shut her eyes, and also reached for his hands. “We’re… going to be fine…” she said, not entirely convinced herself. “Klaus, it’ll be okay.” 

“We’re getting him back. Nothing will happen to him.” Violet said. “Klaus, look at me- can you see me?” 

Slowly, Klaus nodded. 

“Okay, okay.” Violet said. “Now listen. Everything’s going to be fine. Okay? We’re going to be fine. We’ll get out of this. We’ve gotten out of all of his traps before.” 

“But he-” Klaus began. 

“He took Sunny and Soli before.” Lilac said quickly. “He took them, but we got them back. We’ll get Nick back.” 

Solitude crawled closer to Klaus, still sniffling a little. Then, carefully, she placed Babbitt on his knee. “Friend?” she said quietly. 

Klaus stared down at the frog, and then slowly reached forwards to pet them a little. His breathing slowly got more normal, and he said, “We… have to get out of here.” 

“Could we make a rope out of the net?” Lilac asked. 

“We’d probably run out of net.” Violet said. She started to tie her hair back. “I could mess around with the spyglass, but I might accidentally break something. We don’t want to fall any farther.” 

“At least turn on a light.” Lilac said. 

Violet nodded, pulling out the spyglass and turning the heat on the lowest setting, shining the light so they could see each other a little. 

“Could…” Klaus stuttered, still leaning against the wall and keeping his eyes shut. “Could we climb up?” 

“There aren’t any good hand or footholds.” Violet said. She shone the light onto the side of the wall and continued, “There’s some railings, but we wouldn’t be able to climb up them.” 

“Not unless you had…” Klaus trailed off, eyes going wide. 

“Very small hands.” Lilac finished. 

The Baudelaires turned, and saw that Sunny was already ten feet up the wall. 

“Sunny!” Lilac shouted, trying to run forwards and falling over the net. 

“Sunny, no, it’s too dangerous!” Violet called, shining the light up so she could see her sister. 

“Go Sun!” cheered Solitude, who saw no problems with this plan whatsoever. 

Sunny glanced back towards them for only a moment before continuing her climb. 

“Oh my gosh.” Klaus said. 

“Sunday Theodora Baudelaire!” Lilac shouted. “You get back down here  _ right now!”  _

Sunny sighed and turned slightly towards them, calling out, “Salvo!” which probably meant something like,  _ “I’m going to go get us some rope and see if I can find Nick! I’ll be back soon!”  _

“Sunny!” Violet shouted. “No! Get back down!” 

Sunny tried to turn again, only to start slipping down the railings. She let out a shocked squeak, and Lilac instantly threw herself across the net, trying to catch her. But to their amazement, Sunny just leaned forwards, biting her teeth into the wall and stopping her descent. There was a scraping noise as she slowed, and as soon as she stopped falling, she started climbing again. 

“I don’t believe this.” Klaus said. 

“You mean how our baby sister is climbing up an elevator shaft with the help of her teeth to rescue our brother from a financial advisor?” Violet asked. 

“I don’t believe any of it.” Klaus replied. 

“Go Sun!” Solitude cheered, clapping. “Sunny go!” 

Babbitt leapt from Klaus’s knee to her shoulder again, and let out an enthusiastic chirp. 

Sunny didn’t look down again; she just kept climbing up, occasionally biting into the wall whenever she started to feel like she was slipping. It was a very long climb, and she got tired very quickly, but she kept thinking about her trapped and scared siblings below her and her trapped and scared brother above her, and she kept pushing on. 

By the time she had reached the top of the elevator shaft, she was exhausted, and her arms and teeth were quite sore. But she climbed up the side of the floor, very thankful that Esme and Olaf had not thought to close the doors, and scrambled to her feet. She took a few shaky steps forwards- she still wasn’t quite used to walking yet- and turned towards the penthouse door. 

Oh. Well. Hmm. That’d be a problem. 

The doorman was standing at the door of the penthouse, only now his sleeves were rolled up and Sunny could see his hooks. Shit, he’d been the hook-handed man the whole time- well, Sunny supposed it made sense they hadn’t noticed. By the time it was light enough to notice his face, they’d gotten used to the doorman and just assumed he’d been safe. 

Sunny put on her cutest face and toddled her way over to stand in front of the Hook-Handed Man, giving him an adorable smile. 

“Management regrets it cannot allow any orphans to escape.” said the Hook-Handed Man. 

Sunny put her hands behind her back, grinning up at him. “Oo-wee-oo-wee.” said Sunny, which meant something like,  _ “Someday Olaf’s perfidy will end.”  _

“What does perfidy mean?” the Hook-Handed Man asked. 

“Gee-dah.”  _ “Treachery, basically.”  _

“Oh.” the Hook-Handed Man leaned down then, and whispered, “You know, you’re clever. And you’re good with your teeth. Play your cards right, and you could join our troupe instead of surrendering your fortune and your life in more-or-less that order.” 

Sunny gave him another smile, and then walked past him, pushing open the door; nobody had even bothered to lock it. 

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” he called, but she simply kicked the door shut behind her and rolled the welcome mat under it in order to keep it from re-opening. 

She knew she only had a few minutes before either the henchperson got the door open or someone else in the troupe- either inside or outside of the penthouse- heard his pounding on the door and decided to help. So she moved fast, running towards a door that led to one of the parlors. She found the rope that attached to the curtain to pull it back and pulled it down as far as she could, before biting on it to cut it. She didn’t know if that would be long enough, so she cut another rope and swung them both over her shoulders. She grabbed a blanket off the couch and managed to tie it around her like a cape, the way Nick had shown her, and she then moved into another room, calling, “Nick!” 

Sunny went through several rooms- she took the long way around back to the door so she had more places to check. She opened cabinets and peered under curtains, but her brother was nowhere to be found. 

She probably should have guessed he wasn’t in the penthouse- Olaf and Esme wouldn’t just leave him alone in a house he knew well. Still, she had hoped… 

_ Nick will be fine. He’s Nick. He’s always fine. He’s always strong and brave and, hell, he’s probably already killed Olaf and escaped already.  _

Sunny made it back to the door, stopping only once in the kitchen to grab a bottle of parsley soda, and then she slid into the hall, crawling out and smiling up at the Hook-Handed Man, who looked very pissed off. 

“You are in big trouble, missy!” he said. 

Sunny handed him the bottle of parsley soda. 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” 

Sunny took the bottle back and opened it for him, before passing it back. 

“Oh.” the Hook-Handed Man narrowed his eyes. “But what am I supposed to tell the boss when he sees you’re not in that elevator?” 

In response, Sunny toddled over to the elevator shaft and leapt down. 

She could distantly hear the Hook-Handed Man say, “Well, that worked out.” as she fell, but she was too busy throwing out the blanket. After a few seconds, it made an effective parachute, and she found herself much more safely falling towards her siblings. 

 

“I hate this.” Lilac said. “I  _ hate _ this.” 

They’d been sitting in silence for a long while after Sunny had finally disappeared from view, all too nervous to talk- except Solitude, who seemed to be under the impression that this would solve all of their problems and resorted to trying to get Babbitt back into her pocket so they didn’t risk falling through the net. 

“She could fall.” Lilac said.  _ “We _ could fall. She could get caught. She could get lost. She could get stuck. She-” 

“You could shut up, please.” Violet said. She had one arm around Klaus, who was staring into the darkness, trying to process everything in a way that wouldn’t result in a breakdown. 

“Our baby sister is up there!” 

Violet ignored her, shining the spyglass below the net. “Quagmires?” she called. She received no response. “Shit, Olaf must’ve moved them already…” 

“As if this day couldn’t get any worse.” Lilac groaned. 

“It’s okay, we can still save this.” Violet said. “Nick’s either up there with Sunny, or with the Quagmires. So all we need to do is figure out what the Quagmires are being auctioned off in.” 

“But first,” Klaus said shakily, “We have to get out of here.” 

They heard a call above them, sounding vaguely like “Eeee!” but what probably meant something like,  _ “Mind your heads!”  _

The Baudelaire children scattered across the net, as Babbitt finally hopped into Solitude’s pocket and Sunny descended on her makeshift parachute and landed with a bounce and a giggle beside them. 

“Sunny, you’re safe!” Violet cheered. 

“Don’t ever do that again, young lady!” Lilac said, as Sunny tossed her blanket to the side, still laughing. 

Solitude crawled over to her as Sunny passed two ropes over to Violet and Lilac, who instantly started tying them together, muttering about tying it to the railings and sliding down to the ground. She glanced around in confusion, and then muttered, “Nick?” 

Sunny bit her lip and shook her head. “Appentier,” she said, meaning,  _ “He’s not in the penthouse, at least from what I saw.”  _

Solitude seemed very concerned at that, and she quickly hugged Sunny, who let out a noise like an angry cat. 

“Klaus,” Violet said, “Grab one of the girls, I’ll get the other one. We’re going to slide to the ground.” 

“Is that rope long enough?” Klaus asked. 

“It fucking better be.” Violet said. “And it’s jump down this rope or stay here and wait to be kidnapped.” 

“Well, first of all,” Lilac said, tying the end of the rope to the railing, “It’s not ‘jump down this rope,’ it’s ‘slide down,’ and we are not sliding down, we’ll get ropeburn. We’re going to climb.” 

“Right, thanks, Josephine.” Violet said. She shut off her spyglass, leaned forwards and grabbed Solitude, and said, “Alight, Li, I can go first-” 

“Oh, hell no.” Lilac said. “I’m going down first. If I die, the rest of you climb up and fistfight the henchpeople for me.” 

“You’re not going to die.” Violet said, while Sunny gave Lilac a mock salute. 

Lilac bit her lip and said, “Alright. Everyone be careful.” She then grabbed onto the rope and started to descend, hoping and praying that she didn’t fall and the rope was long enough. Violet went next, but she realized quickly she couldn’t climb  _ and _ hold onto Solitude. Soli informed her that she could climb down herself, so Violet went next, keeping a careful eye on the toddler above her, ready to catch her should she slip. Then went Klaus, with Sunny going last. Klaus was pretty shit at climbing, but he managed to decently move down the rope, his eyes locked on Sunny, who seemed to think this was all great fun. 

Fortunately, after several minutes of very stressful climbing, Lilac said, “Great news, everyone! There’s a floor here!” 

“Yay!” Sunny cheered, proud she had cut them enough rope. 

“Bad news,” Lilac said, “Is I do not see a cage or hear any Quagmires.” 

“Son of a bitch.” Violet said. 

Lilac reached the bottom of the rope, stepping aside so that Violet could get down next. When she did, Violet pulled out her spyglass as Lilac grabbed Solitude and helped her down, turning the dials to get the light working again. She shone it around the room as Klaus and Sunny reached the ground, and she said, “Yep, cage is gone. They must’ve taken the Quagmires to the auction already.” 

“Meaning we have to get there fast.” Lilac said. “There must be a way out of here. It’s got to be how Olaf got out.” 

“Shine the light on the walls.” Klaus said, picking up Sunny again. “Maybe there’ll be a doorway.” 

Violet shone the light around, and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the faint outline of a door. She walked forwards and pushed it open, and said, “There’s some kind of tunnel out of here. I say we follow it until we find an exit.” 

“I don’t see any other option.” Lilac said, hugging Solitude tightly. “Klaus, keep carrying Sunny. Violet, keep the light on. Let’s hurry.” 

The tunnel was incredibly dark, smelled vaguely musty, and seemed to get a creepier atmosphere the more they moved. 

“What…” Klaus began, as they all started walking very fast, “What happens if we don’t get to the auction on time?” 

“Let’s not think about that.” Violet said. “Let’s think about how we’re gonna make fun of Nick for this.” 

“I think he has verbal abuse rights over  _ us _ for this.” Klaus said quietly, slowly grabbing Lilac’s free hand as they walked. “Since we didn’t even notice he was gone.” 

“He couldn’t have been gone for more than a few seconds.” Violet said quietly. “Still, you’re right, I think he gets a bit of leeway for this one.” 

“Kim?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “Wait, we get leeway for being kidnapped?”  _

“Shit, now she knows.” Violet said. Then, after a second, her and Klaus laughed a little. Lilac didn’t join them, instead staring ahead at the light bouncing off the tunnel walls. 

“These tunnels look very professional.” she said. “Look, they’ve got walls.” 

“Are walls your only basis for something being professional?” Violet asked. 

“I mean they’re not dirt walls.” Lilac said. “So this tunnel wasn’t just dug and then left. Look, these seem like stone. Actually, this looks like those sewers we went to with Father, Vi. Remember, when we wanted to see how the sewer system worked?” 

Violet thought for a moment, and then said, “Holy shit, yeah. These look just like them, except they don’t smell like literal shit. And they’re less wet.” 

“When the hell did you guys go to the sewers?” Klaus asked. 

“You and Nick were at nerd camp.” Violet said. 

_ “Classical Literature  _ camp.” 

“Whatever. Anyway, we decided we’d better go before you got back, cause Nick would totally jump in the greywater just to piss us off.” 

Solitude glanced at her in confusion. “Greywater?” 

“Yes, Soli,” Violet said, “A word which here means, ‘basically piss and shit.’” 

“That doesn’t-” Klaus began. 

“Exit!” Sunny shouted, pointing ahead. 

They all followed her gaze, and breathed a sigh of relief as they saw that the spyglass’s light was shining onto a ladder, which led up to some kind of trapdoor. Violet put the spyglass in her teeth and started to climb, followed quickly by Lilac and Klaus, who struggled to go up one-handed. Violet reached the top first, pushing open the door and climbing out before turning around to grab Solitude from Lilac, placing her gently on the dusty ground beside her. Lilac climbed out, followed by Klaus, who was holding very tightly onto Sunny. 

He kicked the trapdoor shut behind him, and then the siblings looked around and realized exactly where they were. 

“Holy shit.” Violet breathed. 

“What the…?” Lilac trailed off. 

“Fuck.” said Solitude. 

They were standing in the charred remains of their home. 

The Baudelaires stepped forwards, looking around in shock. The floor wasn’t dusty as they’d first thought- it was  _ ashy. _ They could see the remains of their old piano, Violet’s grandfather clock, the broken shelves and burned books. What was left of their Father’s desk, where they had found their half of the spyglass, was just behind them, having toppled over and broken even more. The tunnel must have been right under it. 

“Why…” Lilac could barely get the words out. “Why would… would there be a tunnel leading from 667 Dark Avenue… to… to…” 

“To home.” Klaus finished. 

Sunny let out a small whimper and leaned against his shoulder, and Solitude pulled Babbitt from her pocket, kneeling onto the ground and placing them down. 

“Look, Babbitt.” she said quietly. “This is home.” 

Babbitt looked from her to the burned remains, and then let out a sympathetic chirp, before hopping towards the piano. Solitude sadly crawled after them, and Violet knelt by the grandfather clock, wiping off its face with her sleeve. 

“We…” she was holding back tears. “We need to get going. We don’t have much time.” 

“We should… go…” Klaus said, half-heartedly. 

Lilac sat on the burnt remains of what used to be Mother’s cushion, burying her head in her hands. “I just…” she said, finally starting to cry. “This seemed an eternity ago. I didn’t think it’d still  _ be _ here, I… I forgot how…” 

Violet walked over to her, sitting beside her and putting an arm around her, burying her head in her sister’s shoulder. Klaus walked over, too, and him and Sunny sat beside her, each putting a hand on her leg. 

They didn’t have much time to sit, though, as they heard Solitude cry out, “Babbitt,  _ no!”  _

They leapt to their feet, running to the piano, where Babbitt was leaping up, banging on the bottom repeatedly. Solitude was scrambling to catch them before they could hurt themself, so Klaus leaned down, quickly grabbing the frog and pulling them back. “What’s gotten into you?” Klaus asked the frog, who struggled to free themself. 

Solitude ran out, grabbing Babbitt from Klaus and scolding them, but after a moment, Lilac wiped her eyes on her sleeve and tied back her hair before crawling under the piano. She reached up to the spot Babbitt had been jumping against, and said, “There’s something here.” 

“What?” Violet asked, as everyone knelt down to see. 

Lilac gestured for them all to scoot back, and then she reached into a small notch in the wood. She pulled, and suddenly a panel in the piano dropped to the ground, blowing up a cloud of dust and ash. Everyone coughed and stumbled backwards, but Lilac managed to stay close enough that she could see what had been in the panel; a small folder. She grabbed it and crawled out from under the piano, sitting in a circle beside her siblings. They all looked over at her, as Solitude muttered to Babbitt that she was taking back her scolding. 

Lilac slowly opened the folder. She placed it on the ground, first pulling out a small photo. She put a hand over her mouth, shocked, not even saying anything. 

“Li? What is it?” Violet asked, as Klaus took the folder and started flipping through some papers in there. 

Carefully, Lilac passed Violet the picture, and Violet placed it on the ground so Solitude and Sunny could see. It was a photo of a baby- maybe only a few months old- in a lacy white dress. She was sitting on what was probably Briny Beach, or at least something like it, trying to put her toes in her mouth. 

“Baby.” Sunny identified. 

Violet narrowed her eyes. “Who is this?” 

Quietly, Lilac said, “It’s me.” They looked at her in shock, and she said, “I… I saw that picture once. Father used to have it in his scrapbook, I… it went missing a few years ago, he told me it probably just fell out…” 

Lilac took a deep breath, gripping the edge of her dress, and she said, “Klaus, what are those papers?” 

Klaus bit his lip. “Sheet music. But most of it is blurred out or torn.” He flipped a page, and said, “Wait, no. No, this bit survived.” 

He passed it to Violet, who read,  _ “Though they lived in a big mansion / Down Robber Road a tad / It was at the farm the lady / Bore the little Snicket lad.”  _

“The… what?” Lilac said. 

But there was one more thing in the folder. Sunny reached forwards and grabbed it, holding it up for them all to see. 

It was a silver necklace, with a metal heart charm. It looked remarkably like Lilac’s, but instead of having gears etched onto it, on one side was the same Eye from the spyglass. 

On the other side was engraved _ BB.  _

Violet stared at the initials, and then said quietly, “Beatrice Baudelaire.” 


	14. in which Some Children are sold at Auction

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

_ in which Some Children are sold at Auction _

 

The Baudelaires stumbled out of their house, still covered in ash and dust. Lilac tucked the photograph into her pocket, Klaus shoved the sheet music into his coat, and Violet slowly put the necklace on, sliding it under her shirt so she could feel the cold metal against her chest. Solitude held Sunny’s hand as they climbed over rubble, Babbitt chirping from her shoulder. 

They walked down the sidewalk for a bit, before they saw a taxi parked a little ways from their house. Lilac approached it, knocking gently on the window, only to see the taxi driver, half-asleep, turn and look towards them before jumping in fear. 

“Excuse me?” Lilac called. “May we have a ride?” 

“We don’t have money.” Klaus said, but Lilac ignored him. 

The taxi driver shook his head, and then called, “You’re ghosts!” 

“No, we’re not.” Violet said. 

“Babies.” Solitude said. 

The man shook his head, and the Baudelaires glanced at each other; covered in ash and dust, they did indeed look very ghost-like. 

Lilac sighed, then turned back to the taxi. “Okay, here. We’re ghosts, and we’ll haunt you unless you take us to the auction house.” 

That seemed to convince him. 

 

When they reached the Auction House, Lilac said, “Thank you for the ride. We’ll pay your fare as soon as we can.” 

“No need.” said the very frightened driver. “Just never talk to me again.” 

“Sounds fair.” Violet said, picking Solitude off her lap and swinging open the door. 

The siblings clambered out, heading towards the door, but once they reached it, they saw, to their chagrin, that the Bald Man was standing there. 

“You’re not on the list.” he said. 

Lilac and Violet gave him identical glares. “We’re going in.” Lilac said though gritted teeth. 

“You can’t go in if you’re not on the list.” 

“Listen here, fuckhead,” Violet said, “We’re going in for our brother and friends whether you like it or not.” 

“I said-” the Bald Man began. 

“Don’t worry, sir!” came a voice from behind the children, and they turned to see Jerome Squalor walking up the steps. “They’re with me! Squalor, Jerome.” 

The Bald Man glanced down at the list, narrowing his eyes. “Well, you’re on here, but-” 

“Excellent!” Jerome said. He held open the door for the children, saying, “Now, kids, I stopped by the house to bring home some more Parsley Soda, only to find that you weren’t there! The doorman was very kind, though, said that I might find you here. I had no idea you children were interested in auctions!” 

“Yes, we’re just wild about the financial sector.” Violet said, as they walked down a hall, following their guardian. 

“What are you children covered in?” 

“Ash.” Klaus answered. 

“Goodness, why are you covered in ash?” 

“There’s a tunnel in your penthouse.” Lilac said. 

“Don’t be silly, Lilac- oh, where’s Nick?” 

Before they could answer, they reached two large doors. Jerome held them open for the children again, and they walked in to see the In Auction up ahead. 

Several chairs and benches were spread across the large room, with only one aisle in the middle. They were all facing a stage, with curtains on either side that presumably led to back rooms of some kind. And on the stage were Count Olaf and Esme Squalor, in front of a large statue of a scarlet fish. 

The two villains stared at the children for only a second, before giving each other wicked smiles. “Well, if you just came in  _ late,”  _ Esme announced, “You may quietly take your seats. We’ve just sold this Red Herring, and we’re moving onto Lot 49.” 

“Hurry up, children. We don’t want to be rude.” Jerome said, not noticing the Baudelaires glaring daggers at Olaf and Esme. 

The children were shepherded down an aisle, towards a bench with several empty seats. As they moved down the bench, Lilac noticed who was sitting on the other end. “Mr Poe?” 

Mr Poe looked up. “Oh! Baudelaires! How lovely to see you take an interest in the financial sector!” 

“What are you doing here?” Violet asked, giving him a glare as people chatted around them and the Red Herring was carried offstage. “Aren’t you supposed to be looking for the Quagmires?” 

“Oh, yes,” Poe coughed as the children sat down, Violet putting Solitude on her lap and Klaus putting Sunny on his. “The reports about the mountain peak turned out to be false. I now know for certain that the Quagmire twins are being forced to work at a glue factory nearby. I’m heading over there later, but I wanted to stop by the In Auction; my wife just reported on how popular ocean decorations are right now, and I wanted to get her something as a gift. Unfortunately, two women just outbid me for the Red Herring statue.” 

“Mr Poe-” Klaus began. 

“And now!” called Gunther, with a very wicked smile, “We will begin the bidding for Lot 50, please. The item called ‘VFD’, please.” 

The children jumped and whipped around, staring at a large cardboard box that was brought onstage, with the letters  _ VFD  _ printed on the side. 

“VFD.” Violet whispered. 

“That’s what Duncan and Isadora shouted at us.” Klaus said. 

Lilac leaned over to Jerome, who had sat on the edge of the bench, and said, “Jerome, can you please do us a favor?” 

“Why, of course!” 

“Can you bid on that lot for us?” Lilac asked. “It’s a surprise for Nick. He loves… that.” 

“Oh, well,” Jerome said, “I suppose. But I don’t want to spoil you children.” 

“Consider it a gift.” Klaus said. “And I swear it’ll be a good one.” 

“You can see this cardboard box,” Esme was saying, “With airholes poked on top. Of course, we all know what’s inside.” 

“Yes, we do.” Lilac growled. 

“Fight her!” Solitude whispered to her siblings, looking ready to leap on Esme and bite her arm off. 

“Let’s start the bidding, please!” Gunther said.

“I bid twenty!” Jerome said, holding up a sign with his number on it. 

“What in the world is VFD?” Poe asked. 

“It’s a surprise.” Lilac said quickly, knowing there was no time to explain, and Mr Poe probably wouldn’t believe them anyway. 

“Fifty!” called out a voice from the crowd. The Baudelaires tried to spot who it was, but had no luck. 

“Fifty-five!” Jerome bid. 

“One-hundred!” 

“Goodness, this is getting very expensive.” Jerome said. “Children, are you sure you want VFD?” 

“More than anything.” Klaus said, his voice shaking slightly. 

“Please, Jerome,” Violet pleaded. “It’s incredibly important that we get this lot.” 

“Well, if you want it so badly.” Jerome said. “One-hundred eight!” 

“Two-hundred!” 

“Two-hundred four!” Jerome turned to the children. “Now, I won’t bid any higher. This is getting much too expensive, and bidding is too much like arguing for me to enjoy it.” 

“Five-hundred!” 

_ “Please, _ Jerome!” Lilac begged, but he shook his head. 

“Five-hundred, please!” Gunther called, smiling wickedly. “Going once, please! Going twice-” 

Sunny stood up on the bench and, at the top of her lungs, shouted,  _ “Thousand!”  _

There was a silence in the auditorium, as everyone tried to figure out where the voice had come from. 

_ “Thousand!”  _ Sunny shrieked again, a panicked edge to her tone. 

“Where on Earth did Sunny get that kind of money?” Jerome asked, astonished. 

“When the children were in boarding school,” Poe answered, “Sunny worked as a receptionist, but I had no idea that her salary was that high.” 

_ “THOUSAND!”  _ Sunny insisted. 

Finally, Gunther gave in. “The highest bid, please, is now one thousand.” 

“Good!” Lilac said, and she took off towards the stage. Violet and Klaus ran after her, carrying their respective toddlers. They ran up to the box, immediately grabbing onto the lid and struggling to rip off the tape from the top. 

“Now, now!” Esme shouted. “You can’t open that until you’ve given me the money!” 

“This auction is illegal!” Lilac shouted, as Sunny crawled to the top of the box and tried to bite off the tape. “It’s illegal to auction off children!” 

“You’d be surprised what’s legal and what’s not, actually.” Esme said. “For instance, in our society, cannibalism  _ is _ legal, but religiously frowned upon-” 

_ “No one cares!”  _ Violet shouted. “What we care about is our friends and our brother!” 

“Duncan and Isadora Quagmire and Nick Baudelaire are in this box!” Klaus shouted. 

“There are children in that box?” called someone from the crowd. 

“If I’d known there were orphans in that box,” said someone else, “I would’ve bid. They’re very in.” 

“Please,” Gunther said, “There are no orphans in that box, please. Someone call security, please.” 

Violet gave him a glance, and then placed Solitude on the floor and whispered, “Soli. Ankle.” 

Solitude nodded and started running, just as Lilac managed to rip part of the tape. “Nick!” she cried. “Nick, Duncan, Isadora!” 

“Please,” Gunther sighed, stepping forwards and shoving a sharp cane into the box. 

“No!” Violet screamed, as he tossed the box into the air. But as it spun, it burst open, and the Baudelaires found themselves showered with doilies. 

“What the fuck?” Klaus shouted. 

“Bitch!” Sunny yelled. 

“What  _ is _ this?” Violet sputtered, pushing doilies off of herself. 

“Why, Very Fancy Doilies.” Esme said. “What else could VFD stand for?” 

“You…” Lilac looked murderous. “Where the  _ fuck _ is our brother?” 

“Where did you put Nick and the Quagmires?” Klaus shouted. 

“Everyone!” Violet announced. “This man isn’t an In Auctioneer, he’s Count Olaf, and he’s kidnapped the Quagmire triplets and our brother Nick, and he’s hidden them somewhere! We have to find them!” 

“Oh, please, children,” Esme said, “You’re clearly distressed and confused. This man can’t be Count Olaf. What evidence do you have?” 

That was when Solitude shouted, “This evidence!” She had snuck up behind Gunther, and before he could do more than turn to her in shock, she grabbed onto his boot and tugged. He instinctively raised his leg to kick her, and Solitude managed to pull his boot off, stumbling backwards and landing hard on her back. Lilac quickly ran forwards and picked her up, as everyone at the auction gasped, seeing clearly the tattoo of an eye on Olaf’s ankle. 

“That man is Count Olaf!” shouted someone in the crowd. “I saw him on a Wanted Poster!” 

“There’s a manhunt for him!” shouted another guest. “Someone needs to call the police!” 

“Now, now!” Esme called. “Don’t blame foreigners for your troubles!” 

“He’s not a foreigner!” Poe shouted, standing up. “He’s from the same country we’re in right now!” 

Esme paused a moment, and then she stood upright, grinning. “Yes!” she said. “Yes, he  _ is _ Count Olaf! He is a genius, and a wonderful acting teacher, and he’s the handsomest, innest man in town!” 

“Don’t be absurd!” Jerome said. “Ruthless kidnapping villains aren’t in!” 

“You’re right.” said Count Olaf, kicking off his other boot in the direction of Sunny, who was quickly picked up by Klaus. “We’re not  _ in. _ We’re  _ out-  _ out of the city! Come on, darling!” 

With a shriek of laughter, Olaf took Esme’s hand, and they leapt from the stage, elbowing their way through the crowd and racing out the door. 

_ “No!”  _ Lilac shouted, and without a second thought, she took off after them, holding Solitude very close. Klaus and Violet followed at her heels, with Sunny letting out an angry yell. 

But just as the siblings started to run, so did the crowd, all wanting to either help catch the man the police were looking for or hoping to escape from this ruckus. Klaus quickly grabbed onto Violet’s arm, who grabbed onto Lilac’s, and the siblings fought their way through the rushing adults, shouting that they needed to get through, that that man had their brother and friends, that everyone needed to clear the way. 

By the time they made their way through the crowd and ran to the doors, they could already hear a car starting. As they burst out onto the street, they saw Olaf and Esme hop into a large truck with a flatbed attached to the back, and on the flatbed was tied the Red Herring statue. 

_ “No!”  _ Lilac shrieked, starting to run, but the car had already started driving away. “No!  _ No! No!”  _

“Stop that car!” Violet shouted, trying to run after it, hoping that somebody, anybody would hear her.  _ “Stop the car!”  _

“Duncan! Isadora!  _ Nick!”  _ Klaus shouted. 

But the car disappeared down the street, leaving the Baudelaires in the dust. 

They stared after it for a moment, and then Lilac crumpled to the ground, hugging her knees and letting out a piercing scream. 

Violet ran towards her, kneeling down as Solitude slid from Lilac’s arms, staring confusedly after the car. Klaus ran, too, placing Sunny down and saying, “Li! Li, what do we- what do we  _ do?”   _

Lilac just kept screaming. 

After a long moment, people started running out of the auction house, towards the police station or their homes or their cars or some other place. None of them paid any attention to the Baudelaires, who were sitting around their broken sister, trying to calm her down and figure out what to do. 

Quietly, then, Solitude asked, “Where’s Nick?” 

Her siblings turned to look at her, Violet and Klaus on the edge of tears and Sunny looking like she was about to pass out. “He’s… he’s gone.” Klaus said, stunned. 

Soli shook her head. “No.” she said. “No. We find him. We always find each other. We never…  _ no!”  _

“Soli-” Violet reached towards her, but Solitude backed up, shaking her head as Babbitt chirped from her pocket. 

“No!  _ No no no!”  _

As the crowd dispersed, Jerome approached the Baudelaires. “Children, are you alright?” 

“No!” Solitude shouted, covering her ears. “No! No! No!” 

“We have to go after them! They  _ just _ drove away, they can’t have gone far!” Violet said desperately, her voice breaking. 

“Children, it’s too dangerous for you to chase after a threatening villain, or her boyfriend.” Jerome said. “Let the authorities handle this.” 

“They didn’t recognize Olaf until it was too late!” Klaus shouted, finally joining Lilac in crying. “Now Duncan and Isadora and Nick are  _ gone!”  _

“Baudelaires,” Jerome knelt in front of the children, reaching forwards to touch Lilac’s hand, but she jerked away from him, still sobbing into her knees. “Let’s go home. I’ll take care of you and protect you from Olaf’s treachery, and you can forget about him.” 

“We will  _ never _ forget about him.” Violet said. “Not as long as he has our brother or our friends.” 

“Let other people track down Count Olaf.” Jerome said. “I’ll keep you safe.” 

“Ylenol!” Sunny shouted. 

“What she means,” Klaus said, “Is nowhere is safe with Count Olaf at large. We’ll never be happy if our friends and brother are in danger. We’re going to find them.” 

“You can help us.” Violet said. “Please. Help us.” 

Jerome looked between the children, his face falling. Then, he said, “I wish I had your courage. Your mother always said I wasn’t brave enough. I guess she was right. She was also right about Esme, who only married me for my penthouse.” He turned and gave Sunny and Klaus a quick hug, and then said, “I wish you luck. I think you’re going to need it.” 

Then he stood and left, and the crowd completely dispersed, and the children were alone. 

“No…” Solitude stared down the street, and her siblings weren’t sure how much she’d processed of the last few minutes. “No…” 

Mr Poe came out of the Auction house, coughing into his handkerchief. “Children!” he said. “Where’s your guardian?” 

“Jerome doesn’t want to foster us anymore.” Violet said, putting an arm around Lilac. 

“Well, that certainly is a shame.” Poe said. “I’ll have to find you children a new guardian. We have a new program at the bank we’ve wanted to try out- ‘it takes a village.’ One of the villages up for the program is only a few day’s drive from here, too- VFD.” 

The Baudelaires stared at him, and then instantly Klaus said, “Then that’s where we’re going. VFD.” 

“Take us to VFD.” Violet said. 

“No!” Solitude shouted, stepping back. “No! We stay here! Wait for Nick!” 

“Soli-” Violet tried to grab her, but Solitude bit her hand. “Ow! Soli!” 

“No no  _ no!”  _

Lilac shot up, then, her face red and streaked with tears. She whipped towards Solitude, and shouted as loud as she could, “He’s  _ gone,  _ Solitude! We  _ failed!  _ Olaf  _ won!  _ Nick is  _ gone!”  _

Then she burst into sobs again, and so did Solitude. Soli screamed and dropped to the ground, kicking and throwing out her arms, refusing to acknowledge the truth. Violet had to pick her up, holding her at arm’s length as she cried herself, and when Poe left to get his car, Babbitt jumped from Solitude’s pocket to Sunny’s shoulder, scared by Soli’s meltdown. 

And all five siblings cried as they realized that not only had the Quagmires been taken away from them again, but so had their brother. 

 

“Let me  _ go!”  _

Olaf groaned as he threw the Baudelaire into the side of the dark shed. Nick landed hard against the wall, letting out a cry of pain as he did. Esme stood on the doorway, crossing her arms. “Now, you ungrateful orphan, we decide to be charitable and let you out to use the outhouse and you try to run away? Would you like us to just leave you in the statue next time?” 

“No!” Nick shouted, a bit too quickly. He tried to run past them, but Olaf pushed him into the wall again. Nick tried to swing a punch at him, only to get easily blocked. “No!  _ Let go of me! Let go!”  _

“Oh, but orphan,” Olaf said, “If we don’t punish you, how will you learn to behave?” 

“I  _ won’t!”  _ Nick shouted, and in response, Olaf gave him a kick to the stomach. When Nick doubled over, Olaf pushed him to the ground. Nick landed rough, and he let out another cry, curling up and shouting, “Leave us  _ alone!”  _

“Oh, we won’t be doing that.” Esme said, grinning; she found this endlessly entertaining. “This is far too much fun.” 

“You know, the Quagmire twins weren’t as troublesome as you. It only took a day or so to get them to shut up.” Olaf said. 

“They’re  _ triplets!”  _ Nick spat. “And you’re two pieces of  _ shit!”  _

“That’s no way to talk, is it?” 

Nick shot up, retreating into the corner, and he shouted, “You’re not gonna get away with this! My siblings are going to find me and they’re going to fuck you up!” 

Olaf and Esme shared a smirk, and then Olaf said, “Esme, please make sure the twins are still in the truck, and then come back. Give me a moment with Beatrice’s little angel.” 

Esme nodded and gave them a simple wave before moving out of sight, and Olaf leaned down, reaching forwards and grabbing Nick’s face in his cold hands. Nick recoiled, shaking and trying to kick him, to get him to back off. “Don’t  _ touch me!”  _ he shouted, trying to hide the terror in his voice, trying to sound braver than he was, trying to pretend his heart wasn’t pounding in his chest. 

“You really think,” Count Olaf said, “That your siblings will save you?” 

Nick gave him a death glare, and leaned forwards to try and bite him; Olaf backed off only just enough to dodge, still keeping a hold on the young Baudelaire. “Yeah.” he said. “They’re going to kill you, and all your stupid fucking friends. We’ve beaten you before, we’ll do it again.” 

“Very interesting.” Olaf said. “And I suppose you think that your dear sister Lilac will take care of you then?” 

Nick threw himself at him, trying to attack, which resulted in him getting slapped and slammed against the wall. It took him a second to get past the sudden bursts of pain, and then he shouted, “I know what you  _ want _ with her! And you’re  _ fucking _ disgusting! You’re  _ sick!  _ You’re a fucking creep and you’re never going to get to her! Or Violet! Or anyone else! We’ll kill you before that! We’ll kill you and then in the afterlife our parents will  _ kick your ass!” _

Olaf waited a moment, until he was sure Nick was done, and then he said, “Your parents?” 

Nick took deep breaths, still trying to hide any form of weakness that the Count could exploit. “Yeah. They’re gonna torture you for what you’ve done. For being a fucking monster.” 

“I bet you don’t know, then.” 

Nick glared.  _ He’s lying. He’s trying to get under your skin. Don’t encourage him.  _ Still, he asked, “Know  _ what,  _ asshole?” 

“Oh.” Olaf smiled, leaning in very close, as Nick flinched away, “Nick Baudelaire, how would you like to know some family secrets?” 


	15. in which Nobody's having a good time

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

_ in which Nobody’s having a good time _

 

“Well.” Poe said, after several hours of silence. “The good news is, you can all fit in the back of the car much better now.” 

Klaus started forwards, and Violet pushed him back, muttering to him that attacking Poe would be a  _ very _ bad idea. 

The Baudelaires were all in complete disarray. Lilac still sat shotgun with Sunny on her lap, but she was staring blankly out the window, her face still red from her most recent random burst into tears. Sunny was nervously rocking back-and-forth, muttering under her breath and trying to wipe her eyes without her siblings noticing. Violet and Klaus were both equally ready to fight anyone who so much as looked at them funny, and they’d spent the last few nights crying when they thought nobody else could hear. 

And poor Solitude was a complete wreck, screaming and crying constantly and throwing tantrums whenever she felt like it. Whenever she wasn’t screaming, she was clinging to Klaus or Sunny- at the moment, she was sitting on Klaus’s lap and crying into her lap- or taking care of Babbitt, refusing to let the frog out of her sight for even a moment; it was a miracle Poe hadn’t noticed them yet. Fortunately, Babbitt seemed to sense that their best friend was in a very bad place, and spent a lot of time cuddling up with Solitude, or chirping a song she liked, or trying to do tricks to make her smile. 

“Mr Poe,” Violet said through clenched teeth, “Can you explain to us where we’re going again?” 

“Well, we are trying a new program for orphans at the bank.” Poe said. “You know the saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child?’ Well, we are letting entire villages have custody of children.” 

“Sounds hectic.” Klaus said, banging his head against the back of the seat and huffing. 

“Who will we stay with?” Lilac asked numbly. 

“I’m not sure. Maybe they’ll draw lots, like in that wonderful Shirley Jackson story.” 

“And what happens when Olaf shows up?” Klaus asked sharply. 

“Well, Klaus,” Poe coughed, “Should Count Olaf show up again, the authorities will handle it, and your brother and the other twins will be found in no time.” 

“They’re triplets.” Violet said. 

“No, Violet, Klaus and Nick are twins. Triplets are  _ three _ children born at the same time.” 

Klaus jumped forwards again, and Violet pushed him back again. “Not worth it.” she whispered. 

“Mr Poe,” Lilac said quietly, gripping tight onto Sunny, “What are the authorities doing to find Nick, Isadora and Duncan?” 

“Oh, they’re doing everything they can.” Poe assured them. “In fact, we’re heading towards Winnipeg tomorrow morning to follow up on a lead that suggests they may be kept there.” 

Lilac sighed and slid down in her seat. She knew full well that the Quagmires and Nick were not in Winnipeg; they were with Count Olaf, who would inevitably follow them to wherever they were. 

“Now, I only have time to drop you off.” Poe said. “So this’ll be quick. I’m going to get to Winnipeg very quickly so I can go back to the bank.” 

“Of course.” Violet sighed. 

“I was going to have you take the bus, but it appeared to have broken down- ah! Here we are!” 

He parked the car at the edge of the town, and the siblings blinked, suddenly realizing that the desert of the Hinterlands they’d seen for miles had ended, and they were now in the middle of a small, western-looking town. Poe got out of the car, and the siblings glumly followed, with Klaus dragging a battered suitcase out- Poe and his wife could only spare two more small ones for them. They also had said something about not buying any extra clothes if they should have to be relocated again, but none of the Baudelaires had really been in any mental space to listen much. 

“Holy shit.” Violet muttered, looking around, and after a moment, her siblings figured out why she’d said that. 

The entire town- every building, every sign, even the fountain they were standing beside- was covered in crows. 

“Birdie.” said Solitude quietly, leaning into Klaus’s shoulder. 

“Those are crows.” Klaus identified, as Poe handed Violet the other suitcase from the trunk. “Genus  _ corvus-  _ there’s lots of subspecies, though.” 

Solitude flinched, and then whispered as Poe waved them goodbye, “Crows eat frogs.” 

“Oh.” Klaus said. Then, as Poe drove away, he said, “Don’t worry. We won’t let anyone else get taken away.” 

Soli sniffled and buried her head in Klaus’s shoulder, and Violet said, “Mr Poe told us to go to the Town Hall. I assume it’s that building over there, with the ‘Town Hall’ label.” 

“So this is VFD.” Lilac said quietly. Then, she added, “If I wasn’t so terrified, I think I’d love these crows.” 

“So would Isadora.” Violet said ruefully. “And Nick would’ve tried to catch one.” 

“He would’ve succeeded.” Lilac reminded her. “And I would’ve killed him for it.” 

They all fell silent, and then Klaus said, “We should get settled in. And then… talk about what we’re going to do about…” 

They stared at each other, and then Lilac said, “Do you think this is the VFD we’re looking for?” 

“It’s possible.” Violet said. “But if it’s not, it’s a hell of a coincidence. And, if it’s not… we probably won’t be here long anyway.” 

They nodded quietly, and quickly grabbed each other’s hands. Sunny held up her arms so Lilac could pick her up, and they slowly turned to walk towards the Town Hall. Violet held the door open for everyone, and as they looked inside, they found themselves very quickly overcome with confusion. 

Inside the room, several people sat on folding chairs, and they all immediately turned around to stare at the Baudelaires.  Against the far wall was a very long bench, under several very detailed portraits of crows. In front of the bench, a woman with a motorcycle helmet covering her face and a policewoman uniform was standing on a small platform, and on the bench were about twenty-five very elderly people, each wearing hats shaped like enormous crows. 

Each sibling shared the same thought, then:  _ if Nick was here, he would have a field day with this.   _

“Are you the Baudelaire orphans?” asked one of the old men on the bench. As he talked, his crow hat flapped slightly, making it look even more ridiculous. Violet and Sunny had to suppress laughter. “We’ve been expecting you.” 

“Yes.” Lilac said, stepping forwards. “I’m Lilac Baudelaire, and these are-” 

“Shush!” said another old man. “We’re not discussing you right now. Rule #492 clearly states that the Council of Elders will only discuss things that are on the platform.  Right now, we are discussing our new Chief of Police. Are there any questions from the townspeople regarding Officer Luciana?” 

“Yes, I have a question,” called out a man in plaid pants. “What happened to our old Chief of Police? I liked that guy!” 

The woman in the motorcycle helmet turned towards him and said, in a deep voice, “The previous Chief of Police has a sore throat. He accidentally swallowed a box of thumbtacks. But let’s not waste time talking about him. I am your new Chief of Police, and I will make sure that any rulebreakers in this town are punished properly. I can’t see how there’s anything more to discuss.” 

“I agree with you.” said the first Elder. “The Council of Elders hereby ends the discussion of Officer Luciana. Hector, please bring the orphans to the platform for discussion.” 

A tall, nervous-looking man in rumpled overalls stood up from one of the folding chairs as Officer Luciana stepped down. He had his eyes glued to the ground as he pointed from the children to the platform, and Lilac hesitantly nodded, stepping onto the platform and trying to look like she wasn’t about to break into tears at any moment. Her siblings quickly followed her, and an elder woman said, “We are now discussing the guardianship of the Baudelaire orphans. Under the new government program, the entire town of VFD will act as guardian over these three children because it takes a village to raise a child. Are there any questions?” 

A woman in a pink bathrobe stood up. “Are these the same Baudelaires who are involved in the kidnapping of the Quagmire twins by Count Omar?” She held up a copy of  _ The Daily Punctilio.  _ “It says here in the newspaper that an evil count is coming after those children. I don’t want someone like that in our town!” 

“His name is Count  _ Olaf,”  _ Klaus snapped, “The Quagmires are  _ triplets,  _ and he has our-” 

“Hush!” said several members of the council, and then one woman said, “Rule #920 clearly states that no one may talk while on the platform unless you are a police officer. You’re orphans, not police officers.” 

“Now,” said another Elder, “Where were we? Oh, yes, guardianship. When children have a guardian, the guardian makes them do chores, so it follows that you Baudelaires will do all the chores for the entire village. Beginning tomorrow, you five will be responsible for anything that anyone asks you to do.” 

“Six.” Lilac corrected instinctively, and then she shut her eyes and tried not to cry. 

“Hush! Now, in the morning, the crows roost uptown, so that is when you will do all your downtown chores, so you do not get in their way. In the afternoon, the crows roost downtown, so you will do the uptown chores. Please pay attention to our new fountain; it was installed this morning, and needs to be kept as clean as possible. At night, the crows roost in the Nevermore Tree, which is on the outskirts of town, so there’s no problem there. Are there any questions?” 

“Yes!” said the man in plaid pants. “Where are they going to live? I don’t want my home disturbed by noisy children!” 

“The children will live with Hector, our handyman.” said an Elder. “He will feed them, clothe them, and make sure they do all the chores. And Hector, you will also be responsible for teaching them all the rules of VFD, so they won’t do any more terrible things, such as talking on the platform.” 

“And as for this ‘Count Olaf’,” said another Elder, “Mr Poe has sent us several materials regarding him. As your guardian, it is this town’s job to protect you, so we have recently made a new rule. Rule #19,833. It clearly states that no villains are allowed within city limits.” 

“Hear, hear!” cried the townspeople. 

“Now, Hector,” said an Elder, “Take the Baudelaires off the platform and take them to your house.” 

Hector, his eyes still on the ground, walked to the platform, gesturing for the children to follow him. Lilac bit her lip and nodded, and she and her siblings jumped from the platform and followed him out, afraid of what they’d say if they remained to speak to this Council that seemed to think it was fair to make five children do chores for an entire town when their brother had just been kidnapped. 

As soon as they walked out of Town Hall, and the doors slammed shut behind them, Hector let out a large sigh of relief. Then he smiled gently at the Baudelaires and said, “I’m never truly relaxed until I’ve left Town Hall. The Council of Elders makes me very skittish- so much so that I never speak during council meetings. I can’t remember all those strict rules! I always feel better the moment I walk out of the building.” 

“There sure are a lot of rules.” said Lilac, as they stepped towards the fountain. 

“I know! Now, it looks like we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, so let’s get a few things straight. My name is Hector, and I hope you like Mexican food, because that’s my specialty. Oh! Wait just a moment- we’re just in time. Look ahead, you’ll see something marvelous as the sun sets.” 

Violet glanced at the sky and said, “Um, the sunset’s lovely, but-” 

“Shh!” Hector said. “Any second now.” 

As soon as he finished speaking, one of the largest crows, sitting on a mailbox, flapped its wings and flew into the air, soaring over the childrens’ heads. Another crow flew up, and then another, and then another, and soon all the hundreds of crows rose into the air, circling around each other in the sky. And then, like a giant fluttering cloud, the birds all began to move, flying to the east of town. 

“Wasn’t that marvelous?” Hector asked, breathlessly. “Never gets old.” 

“It’s beautiful.” Lilac said, and now she’d finally started crying, though thankfully very quietly. 

“Superlative.” said Klaus blankly. 

“Sad.” Solitude muttered, barely even glancing above her. 

“My house is a mile away as the crows fly.” Hector said. “We better get walking- do you children want enchiladas?” 

“What does VFD stand for?” Violet asked, ignoring his question and keeping her gaze fixed on the birds. 

“Well,” Hector said, “About three hundred and six years years ago, a group of explorers discovered the murder of crows that we just saw.” 

“Sturo?” Sunny asked nervously. 

“‘Murder’ is the word for a group of crows,” Klaus explained numbly, “Like a flock of geese or herd of cows of convention of orthodontists.” 

“Anyway,” Hector said, “The explorers were impressed with their patterns of migration, and they were so excited about it they decided to live here. They named the town VFD- the Village of Fowl Devotees.” 

The children all looked at each other, feeling very disappointed. “This must be the wrong VFD.” Lilac said. “Like the doilies.” 

“Wrong VFD?” Hector asked. “What other VFDs can there be?” 

“More than we thought.” Klaus said. 

Violet looked up at the murder of crows circling overhead, and then said, “Nick would’ve loved to see that. He was obsessed with birds last year.” 

“His special interest for at least six months.” Klaus nodded. 

“Who’s Nick?” Hector asked. 

Lilac choked back more tears. “Our brother. He’s been kidnapped.” 

“That’s horrible!” Hector said. “What happened?” 

“It’s kind of a long story.” Violet said. 

“Well,” Hector said, “It’s kind of a long walk. Why don’t you begin at the beginning?” 

The Baudelaires nodded, as Solitude quietly started to cry into Klaus’s sleeve.


	16. in which Lilac has a bad plan

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

_ in which Lilac has a bad plan _

 

“That is a very unfortunate story, Baudelaires.” Hector said. 

“We are aware.” Lilac sighed. 

It had indeed been a long walk, which didn’t cause the Baudelaires any less distress; they kept thinking about how Nick would’ve been complaining for the last half-mile. 

“I’m very sorry that this VFD turned out to be a dead end.” Hector said. 

“Are you sure it is?” Klaus said. “This town could have something to do with the terrible secrets Duncan and Isadora were trying to warn us about.” 

“I doubt it.” Hector said. “This town has barely changed since it was founded. The only new things are you children and the fountain.” 

“Maybe the fountain’s evil or something.” Violet said. “I could look at the mechanics of it.” 

“Oh, it’s definitely not a mechanical fountain.” Hector said. “Rule #67 clearly states that no mechanical devices are allowed within city limits.” 

Lilac and Violet looked horrified. “None?” 

“The only one still here is the old firetruck, but that’s just because nobody can figure out how to get it out of the fence.” Hector said. 

“I was really hoping there’d be something.” Lilac said. “There’s always something, usually, and if I could find something that could help us find our brother and friends…” 

“Well…” Hector paused. “Can you kids keep a secret?” 

They nodded, and he said, “I may have something that can help- see my house up there?” 

The siblings looked ahead, nodding at a small, cozy-looking home, with an enormous barn- almost ten times its size- beside it. “Well,” Hector said, “Come with me to the barn.” 

As they walked to the barn, he said, “So, when the Council of Elders invented Rule #67, they instructed me to remove all the inventing materials in town. But I took all the materials, and kept them in… here!” 

He opened the barn doors, and even in their depressive state, the children gasped and widened their eyes. 

“What is that?” Lilac asked, slowly reaching for her ribbon. 

Inside the barn was a huge mass of baskets, with several wires and ropes attached to the sides, leaning towards the back of the room, where there was presumably some kind of deflated balloon attached. Also attached to the rim of the baskets were several other slightly smaller ones, covered with tight lids and decorated with shiny ribbons. 

“My inventing studio.” Hector said, and then he proudly added, “But that, over there, is my pride and joy. My self-sustaining hot air mobile home.” 

“Neebdes?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “Could you explain that a bit more?”  _

While Hector presumably did not understand her, he burst into an explanation anyway. “Now,” he said, “You know how a hot air balloon works?” 

“Of course.” Violet said. “We tried to build one as kids, but we got bored and just used the box to play Female Finnish Pirates.” 

“Well,” Hector said, “My invention is nothing more than a large hot air balloon. Instead of one large basket, though, there are twelve baskets tied together here- you see? Each one serves as a different room, so it’s like a flying house. It’s completely self-sustaining. Once you get up in it, you never have to go back down. In fact, if my new engine works properly, it will be impossible to get back down, and last for more than one hundred years. I’m filling different baskets with food, beverages, clothing and books. Once it’s completed, I’ll be able to fly away from VFD and the Council of Elders and all the frightening things on the ground, and live forever in the air.” 

“Sounds marvelous.” Violet said. 

“If your engine works properly?” Lilac asked. “Where is it, I could take a look?” 

“Me too!” Violet added. 

“While you girls work on the hot air balloon,” Klaus said quietly, “Hector, does VFD have a library? I was hoping to do some research into VFD, to help us find our friends and Nick.” 

“Rule #108 clearly states that the VFD library cannot contain any books that break any of the other rules.” Hector said. “Meaning that the only books that are allowed are this boring one called  _ The Littlest Elf  _ and the rulebook. But when the Council of Elders would give me books to burn, I brought them into one of these baskets. There’s a secret library in here.” 

“Wow.” Klaus said. Then, he sadly added, “Nick would love that.” 

“What about the little ones?” Hector asked. “What do they like?” 

“Bite!” said Sunny. 

“Well,” Hector said, “Rule #4,561 clearly states that citizens are not allowed to use their mouths for recreation, but I have some crunchy foods in here, and I’m sure we can find something for you.” 

“What about some reptiles for Soli?” Violet asked. “She’s our little herpetologist.” 

“Well, I don’t have any reptiles, and there aren’t many in the desert,” Hector said, “And Rule #780 clearly states that no pets outside of crows are to be tolerated within city limits, but I’m sure we have some herpetology books.” 

“What do you think, Soli?” Klaus asked. “You want to read about frogs?” 

Solitude had been silent the entire time, but finally she glared at the ground and said, “I want Nick.” 

They fell silent, and then Lilac said, “We know, Solitude. We do, too. We should get to bed.” 

“Oh, yes.” Hector said. He closed the barn doors, and said, “Oh! But first, look behind the house. You’ll see the Nevermore Tree, and you can see the crows roosting.” 

The Baudelaires walked out, and did indeed see a giant tree behind the barn, its branches covered in squawking and chirping crows. Solitude instantly put a hand over her pocket, where Babbitt slept, while Lilac said, “That’s beautiful.” 

“It is, isn’t it?” Hector said. “I always leave the windows open at night, as the sounds the crows make remind me of the ocean. Come inside- there’s plenty of rooms, so you can pick whatever you like. There’s even room for your friends and brother, once we find them.” 

“I hope we find them soon.” Lilac said, as they reached the door of Hector’s house and he led them inside. 

“Nick really would love all your books.” Klaus said. 

“And Duncan might be able to print his own newspaper,” Violet said, “So you wouldn’t get your news from the  _ Daily Punctilio.”  _

“And Isadora could definitely write poetry about those crows.” Lilac said. “She’d love it.” 

Hector paused. “She’s a poet? What kind of poetry does she write?” 

“Couplets.” Klaus said. “Two lines that rhyme.” 

Hector stared at them for a very long time, and then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny scroll. “Like this?” 

He passed it to Lilac, who opened it up and stared in shock at the shaky, familiar handwriting. 

_ For sapphires and fortunes we are held in here.   
_ _ Only you can end our fear.  _

“Where did you get this?” Violet asked, taking the paper as if Lilac might drop it. 

“I found it this morning beneath the branches of the Nevermore Tree.” Hector said, as Sunny grabbed the paper. “I noticed it quickly among the black feathers the crows left behind. I didn’t think of it again until just now.” 

“How’d this get in your backyard?” Klaus asked, taking the paper from Sunny. “Could the Quagmires and Nick be in the Nevermore Tree? Is it hollow inside?” 

“Afraid not.” Hector said. 

“Maybe they’re nearby.” Lilac said, as Solitude took the paper from Klaus. 

“I don’t think so.” said Hector. “You saw how flat everything is out here. You can see anything for miles around. You’re welcome to search the house and barn, but you’re not going to find the Quagmires or Nick.” 

“Bennetti.” said Sunny.

“What Sunny is suggesting,” Violet translated, “Is that they could be in the tree, hiding among the feathers.” 

“I doubt it. The crows would notice and alert us if someone was in their tree.” 

“We have to do  _ something.”  _ Lilac said. “This couplet is a cry for help, and the last time we left Isadora and Duncan alone for long, not only did Olaf move them, he took our brother with them!” 

“We could watch the tree all night.” suggested Klaus. 

Hector paused, and then said, “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you eat your enchiladas upstairs in your rooms, just this once. Your rooms have windows that’ll have great views of the tree. But please don’t stay up all night.” 

“We can take turns.” Lilac said. “Thank you  _ so _ much, Hector.” 

“It’s no trouble.” said Hector. “I’m your guardian- or, well, one of your roughly six-hundred guardians.” 

“We can’t thank you enough.” Lilac said. “It’s more important than anything we find our friends and brother before anything can happen to them.” 

“I understand.” Hector nodded. “Now, let me get you your dinner before it can get cold.” 

 

They sat in the room that had been claimed for Lilac, sitting on the floor and occasionally standing up to peer out the window. They were silent for a long while, and then Lilac said, “Well, let me get our suitcases unpacked.” 

She grabbed one off the floor, where they’d left it, and put it on the bed, flipping it open and digging through roughly-folded clothes. “I don’t know who has this one, but I assume the black dresses I requested are-” 

She froze as soon as she opened the case, and after a moment, Klaus said, “Shit.” 

Slowly, Lilac pulled a dark blue sweater from the bottom of the suitcase, folded much more neatly than the other clothes. They all stared at it, and then Violet said, “Klaus, did you-” 

“When we find him,” Klaus said quietly, curling up and hugging his knees, “He’s probably going to still be in that pinstripe suit. He… he hates that suit, and those are the only clothes we still have of his from before the fire, and I just… I just thought…” 

Lilac put down the sweater and walked back over to Klaus, giving him a very tight hug. Klaus shut his eyes as he hugged her back, and Violet quickly scooped up the toddlers and moved closer to her siblings. 

“I’m sure he’ll love that.” Violet said. “You’re right, he hates the suit.” 

“Tell you what.” Lilac said, pulling away. “Did you pack the rest of his outfit?” Klaus nodded. “Well, your jackets have big pockets, don’t they? We’ll roll it up and keep it with you, so you can give it to him the second we get him back.” 

“Speaking of which,” Violet said, “What’s our game plan?” 

Lilac pulled away from Klaus, staring at the ground and clenching her fists. “If Olaf’s not already here, as evidenced by Isadora’s couplet,” she said, “Then he will be soon. He won’t stop following us until he gets what he wants.” 

“We’re aware.” said Solitude, curling up as Babbitt hopped from her pocket to her knee. 

“But…” Klaus bit his lip, and then asked his next question as fast as he could. “He has one of us. What if he never comes for us? And he just takes Nick away?” 

“That won’t happen.” Violet said. “Because he needs the oldest kid to get the fortune- for all he knows, we could drain it before Nick even reaches eighteen- so he’d either have to kill us or kidnap Lilac.” 

“Or kill me and kidnap you.” Lilac said darkly. 

“We won’t let that happen.” Violet said. 

Lilac didn’t say anything, instead choosing to inspect the ground. 

“Li?” Violet said. “What’s going on?” 

Lilac took a deep breath, and then said, “Maybe… maybe we can make a deal.” 

“A  _ deal?”  _ Violet said. “With Olaf?” 

“Chesterton,” said Sunny, meaning,  _ “You can’t reason with a madman like him.”  _

“We can reason with him,” Lilac said, “If we give him something else in exchange for Nick.” 

“What do we have to give him?” Klaus asked. 

Once again, Lilac didn’t respond. Violet realized first, and her eyes went wide as she leapt forwards and grabbed Lilac’s hands. “No.” she said. “No, no, you are  _ not _ doing that.” 

“I have to protect you all!” 

_ “No!”  _

“What?” Solitude asked, reaching forwards to pet Babbitt. “What’s the plan?” 

“Lilac’s going to trade  _ herself  _ for Nick!” Violet said. 

“No!” Klaus shouted, also jumping forwards and grabbing Lilac’s hands. “That is  _ not _ happening!” 

“No!” shouted Sunny, throwing the paper plate she’d been biting into the air. “No!” 

“You are  _ not _ doing that!” Klaus said. 

“He has  _ Nick!”  _ Lilac shouted, ripping herself away from her siblings and standing up, hugging herself. “He has  _ Nick _ and the only way to ensure he lets him go-” 

“Lilac!” Violet also jumped to her feet. “No! You know what he’ll  _ do _ to you-” 

“Of  _ course _ I know what he’ll do to me!” Lilac shouted. “But I  _ don’t _ know what he’ll do to  _ Nick _ if we don’t do something!” 

“We’re  _ getting Nick back!”  _ Violet shouted. “But we’re not doing it by sacrificing you!” 

“Listen!” Lilac said. “Listen, I’m the oldest, I’ll get the fortune first, he’ll trade Nick for me-” 

“Or he’ll just take you and kill the rest of us!” Klaus said. 

“And even if he doesn’t,” Violet said, “We’re not just letting him win! Okay? We’ll find another way.” 

Lilac bit her lip. “Look, if it comes down to me or Nick-” 

“If it comes down to that,” Violet said, “We’ll just stab the bastard and run. Alright? Promise us you won’t trade yourself.” 

“But-” 

“Promise us!” Klaus said. 

Lilac glanced between her siblings, all of whom were staring hard at her. Finally, she sighed and said, “Okay.” 

“Good.” Violet said. “Now, tomorrow, when we do chores for the whole town, we’ll look for the Quagmires and Nick. If Isadora’s poem is here, she must be in town, too. We’ll look  _ together.  _ Nobody’s abandoning the others. Okay?” 

Hesitantly, Lilac nodded, and Soli said, “No more separate. All together?” 

“Yeah, Soli.” Klaus said, leaning over and hugging her and Sunny. “All together.” 

Violet went to hug the toddlers, too, saying, “We’re not losing anyone else. Don’t you worry.” 

Lilac didn’t say anything. 

 

Lilac heard a knock on her door the next morning, and she sat up, pushing back her hair and trying to pretend like she hadn’t woken up crying. She opened the door, to see a breathless Klaus standing outside, carrying a very excited Sunny with one arm. 

“Hector found another poem.” was all he said. 

Lilac’s eyes widened, and she grabbed her ribbon and took off running after him. Downstairs, Violet and Solitude were sitting at the table with Hector, staring at another strip of paper. 

_ Until dawn comes, we cannot speak speak.   
_ _ No voices come from this sad beak.  _


	17. in which the Village makes a Big Mistake

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

_ in which the Village makes a Big Mistake _

 

“How did another poem get into the tree?” Lilac asked, pushing back hair that had fallen from her ribbon. 

“I don’t know.” Hector said. “The birds would’ve been upset if someone approached the tree, and that would’ve woken us up.” 

“Why can’t Isadora just tell us where they are?” Violet asked nervously, as Lilac put the paper down on the table. “Why leave us mysterious poems on the ground where anyone can find them?” 

“Well, that’s just it.” Klaus said. “If anyone could find these poems, anyone could use them against the Quagmires. Someone else who wants their fortune, or one of Olaf’s henchpeople. If Olaf found out they were sending messages…” 

They fell silent. “Explains why they didn’t let Nick write the poems, then.” Violet said. “He can’t be subtle for shit.” 

“What does she mean,” Klaus leaned over, “No voices come from this sad beak? Isadora doesn’t have a beak.” 

“Cra?” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “The crows?”  _

“That wouldn’t make sense, crows don’t talk.” Lilac said. 

“Some birds can talk,” Klaus said, “Like parrots and myna birds, but not crows.” 

“Until dawn comes we cannot speak?” Lilac read. “So they can only send poems in the morning?” 

“Maybe that’s when the guards change.” Lilac said. 

Soli narrowed her eyes, taking the paper. “Damp.” she said. 

“No, it’s not damp.” Klaus said. 

Soli shook her head, trying to remember the word. “Dry?” She folded the paper. “Used… used to be wet.” 

“Soli does look right. It looks like someone wet it, and then it dried.” Violet said. 

“I hate to interrupt,” said Hector, and the siblings suddenly realized he was still there, “Especially because this seems to be of grave importance, but if we don’t leave, we won’t be able to complete the chores for today, and the Council of Elders will not like that.” 

Lilac stared at him, and then said, “Okay. Let me get dressed- Klaus, you keep the poems with you.” 

“My pockets are full.” Klaus gently reminded her. 

“R-right. Violet, you- no, no, you’ll lose them. Sunny, you’re in charge of them.” 

Sunny shot her a thumbs up. “Ye.” 

“What’ll we have to do?” Lilac asked. 

“Well,” Hector said, “We’ll start downtown. Today’s list involves trimming Ms Morrow’s hedge, washing Mr Lesko’s windows, and polishing the doorknobs at the Verhoogen family mansion. We also have to sweep feathers out of the street and take out everyone’s garbage and recyclables.” 

“The Quagmires and Nick are more important than that.” Violet said. 

“I have to agree with you,” Hector sighed, “But I’m not going to argue with the Council of Elders.” 

Lilac bit her lip. “Okay. Everyone get yourselves ready, and then let’s go around town.” She gave them a significant look. “Perhaps we’ll see something interesting.” 

 

“You know what?” said Violet. “I’m actually glad Nick isn’t here. If he was, he would have gotten himself kicked out about six hours ago.” 

“You’re right.” Lilac sighed, as they sat down for a moment. 

“No, she’s not.” Klaus said. “Nick would’ve gotten us kicked out about ten minutes into our stay.” 

“Less than.” Soli argued. 

Though they’d been doing chores all day- trimming hedges, washing windows, polishing doorknobs, taking out trash, sweeping sidewalks, making beds, washing dishes, making sundaes for the Council of Elders, and so on- they barely even paid attention. All they could think about was their missing brother, and their missing friends, and the confusing poems they had received. 

Now the siblings had just finished polishing the Fowl Fountain, which the crows seemed to like, as they’d also had to pluck multiple feathers off. 

“You know,” said Hector, sitting down beside them, “I’m impressed. When I heard the village would be taking care of children, I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to do all these chores without complaining.” 

“We’re used to strenuous exercise.” Violet said. “When we lived with Count Olaf, we did all of his difficult chores, and climbed a tower.” 

“When we lived in Paltryville,” recalled Klaus, “We de-barked trees and sawed them into boards.” 

“We ran hundreds of laps every night at Prufrock.” Lilac said. 

“Secretaries.” said Soli, gesturing to herself and Sunny. 

“Vitruvius.” said Sunny, which meant,  _ “I climbed up an elevator shaft.”  _

“Besides,” Lilac said, “We’re busy thinking about the couplets.” 

“‘For sapphires and fortunes we are held in here’ is obvious.” said Klaus. “But the second poem makes less sense the more I think about-” 

“The fountain doesn’t look very clean!” 

The Baudelaires leapt to their feet as the Council of Elders approached, and Violet quickly said, “I believe it is, actually. We just finished scrubbing it.” 

“It looks more gray than black.” said an Elder. 

“It was gray yesterday.” Klaus said. “It has always been gray.” 

“Did you enjoy your sundaes?” asked Lilac, really hoping her siblings would shut up. 

“They were okay.” shrugged an Elder. 

“We’ve stacked up the dirty ice cream dishes in the Snack Hut,” said a third Councilman, “And you’ll clean them tomorrow as part of your chores. Where is Hector? We need to speak with him?” 

The siblings glanced around, seeing that Hector had managed to slip away. Lilac quickly turned around and said, “I’m sorry, he’s occupied at the moment. May I give him a message?” 

The Elders looked to each other and nodded, and Sunny stifled a giggle, as it made it look like their crow hats were pecking each other. “I suppose so.” said one of them. “But it’s very important.” 

“You must tell him,” another said, “That Count Olaf has been captured.” 

The Baudelaires froze, shock overwhelming them. 

“Count Olaf’s been captured?” Klaus repeated. 

“It’s true.” said one of the Elders. “Our Chief of Police arrested a man climbing the firehouse yesterday, who was new in town and had one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.” 

“The Council of Elders has called a town meeting.” one of Councilwomen said. “All citizens are required to go to Town Hall immediately, to discuss what is to be done with him. After all, Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are allowed within city limits. The usual punishment for breaking a rule is burning at the stake.” 

“Burning at the stake?” Lilac said. 

“Yes.” nodded an Elder. “When we capture rulebreakers, we tie them to a wooden pole and light a fire underneath their feet.” 

“So the punishment is the same, no matter what rule you break?” Klaus asked. 

“Of course. Rule #2 clearly states that anyone who breaks a rule is burned at the stake. If we didn’t burn a rulebreaker at the stake, we would be rulebreakers ourselves, and someone else would have to burn us at the stake.” 

“Excuse me,” Lilac asked. “But when Officer Luciana captured Count Olaf, did she find our friends and brother?” 

“Well, if she did, I’m sure she’ll tell us at the town meeting.” a Councilwoman said. “It begins soon. Come along- Hector! There you are! Hurry up, we have a town meeting!” 

Hector, moving out from behind the fountain, silently nodded, and the Baudelaires hurried after the Council, all the way over to the townhouse, where they took folding chairs right in the front row, and Hector sat in the back. The rest of the town filtered in over the next few minutes, as Solitude stood on Klaus’s lap and asked, “Did they find Nick?” 

“I don’t know, Soli,” Klaus said, “But if they’ve really captured Olaf, then surely they’ll find him and the Quagmires.” 

“God, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about this village.” Violet said. 

“And I can’t wait to show Duncan and Isadora the crows.” Klaus said. “They’ll love the Nevermore tree.” 

“Balo.” said Sunny, which meant,  _ “And I can’t wait to show them Hector’s self-sustaining hot air mobile home.”  _

Lilac bit her lip, and said, “I just want us all to be together. I don’t care what happens after that.” 

“Silence!” they jumped as the Council of Elders sat on the bench ahead of them, and a Councilman announced, “Hector, please show Officer Luciana and Count Olaf to the platform.” 

“I can make my own way to the platform!” said Officer Luciana, who strutted in, still in a motorcycle helmet. “I am the Chief of Police!” 

“That is true.” admitted an Elder, as Luciana stepped onto the platform. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, orphans and other citizens,” Luciana said, “I am very proud to announce that I have made my first arrest as your Police Chief, and I have arrested none other than the villain, Count Olaf!” 

“Villains aren’t allowed in town limits!” shouted Mr Lesko. 

“Burn him at the stake!” added Ms Morrow. 

“May I present,” Luciana jumped off the platform and ran to the door, “Count Olaf!” 

The townspeople turned, and the Baudelaires turned with them, and then the Baudelaires felt their stomachs plummet to the floor. 

Luciana was dragging forwards a man in handcuffs, and the Baudelaires could see that, as he wore no shoes or socks, he had the same eye tattoo as Count Olaf. And as he turned to look around the room, they could see he had one eyebrow. 

But that was not Count Olaf. 

“Shit.” Solitude whispered, tears springing to her eyes. 

Officer Luciana pulled him onto the platform and said, “I captured Count Olaf and now we get to decide what to do to him!” 

“But I’m not Count Olaf!” said the man. “I’m Jacques-” 

“Silence!” a Councilman said. “Rule #920 clearly states that no one may talk while on the platform.” 

“Let’s burn him at the stake!” suggested a townsperson. “We haven’t burned anyone at the stake in a long time!” 

“He’s Olaf, alright!” said Ms Morrow. “He has one eyebrow instead of two, and there’s a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.” 

“But lots of people have only one eyebrow,” said Jacques, “And I have this tattoo as part of my job.” 

“Silence!” said a Councilwoman. “Count Olaf, you are clearly a villain, and Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are to be allowed within city limits, so we get to burn you at the stake!” 

“I’m not a villain!” Jacques said. “I work for the volunteer-” 

“Enough is enough!” said an Elder. “Olaf, you have already been warned about Rule #920. You are not allowed to speak on the platform. Do any more citizens wish to speak before we schedule the burning of Olaf at the stake?” 

The Baudelaires looked to each other, and then Violet stood up. “I wish to speak!” she announced. “The town of VFD is my guardian, and so I am a citizen! This man is not Count Olaf, and we don’t want to make things worse by burning an innocent man!” 

“It is you who are making things worse!” Luciana said. “Clearly the shock of seeing Count Olaf again has confused the girl.” 

“She’s not confused!” Klaus said, standing up and taking Soli with him. “That’s not Count Olaf!” 

“The children are clearly confused,” an Elder said, “And thus must be put to bed. Hector, put the Baudelaires to bed, and tomorrow we will burn Olaf at the stake, after breakfast.” 

“All uptown residents bring wood for kindling,” said a Councilman, “And all downtown residents bring torches and a healthy snack.” 

“And in the meantime,” Luciana said, “He goes to the uptown jail.” 

“But I’m innocent!” Jacques said, turning to the Baudelaires. “Baudelaires! I’m so relieved to see you! Your parents-” 

“Silence!” Luciana shoved a hand over his mouth and dragged him off the platform. “Come along, Olaf, your deluxe cell awaits.” 

But as she passed the Baudelaires, her hand slipped, and the man turned and met Lilac’s eyes. He stared for a moment, as if he realized with a shock he recognized her from somewhere. Then, he said, very quietly, “The world is quiet here.” 

Lilac jumped and opened her mouth to ask what he meant, but Luciana had already dragged him out the door by the time she got to her feet, lifting Sunny with her. 

The Baudelaires stared after him. “That man knew something.” Lilac said. 

“That man isn’t Count Olaf.” Klaus said. “Meaning he’s still out there.” 

“We need to find out what he knows, and make sure he doesn’t burn at the stake.” Violet said. She slowly pulled her ribbon from her pocket and said, “Soli, keep Babbitt quiet. Klaus, have you ever read a book on jailbreaks?” 

“Plenty.” Klaus said, nodding. 

“And I’ve broken you all out of locked rooms enough to say I’m an expert, too.” Lilac said. 

They looked at each other. “This is a very dangerous plan.” Klaus said. 

“What choice do we have?” asked Solitude. 

They nodded, and Lilac said, “Well, looks like we’ll be causing a jailbreak.” 

 

“A jailbreak?” Hector’s eyes went wide. “No way! I can’t do that! That’s definitely against multiple rules!” 

“We’re not asking you to do it,” Lilac said, tying up her hair as she walked around Hector’s barn. “We’re asking you to give us supplies.” 

“No.” Hector shook his head. “Rule #626 clearly states that nobody is to aid another citizen in breaking the rules. I’m sorry Baudelaires, but even if you think that man is not Count Olaf-” 

“He’s not.” Klaus said. “Which means Count Olaf is somewhere nearby, and probably waiting for this guy to die for some reason.” 

“Obviously,” Lilac said, “If Count Olaf is legally dead, than he can do whatever the hell he wants. And that man seemed to know something, something about  _ us. _ So we have to find out what it is.” 

“And we can’t let an innocent man burn at the stake.” Violet said. “Even for a wicked man, that’s a horrible fate.” 

“We can’t just break him out of jail! The Council of Elders will find out, and then they’ll burn us at the stake!” 

“They won’t find out.” Violet shrugged. “We’re good at getting away with things.” 

“Surely,” Hector pleaded, “It’s safer to just fly away in the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home.” 

“Maybe not.” Lilac said. 

Hector paused. “What does that mean?” 

“It means that if your engine doesn’t hold,” Lilac said, “You’ll fall from a great height, which will injure you greatly, and that’s if you don’t land on anything dangerous, such as the ocean or a field of cacti.” 

Hector’s eyes widened. “That could be dangerous.” 

“So,” Violet said, crossing her arms and leaning against a basket, “How about a deal? Li and I work on your engine, you get us the shit we need.” 

Hector bit his lip. “I still don’t know.” 

“We’ll be in and out of that jail before anyone’s even awake.” Klaus said. 

“Do you think you can fix it?” Hector asked skeptically. 

“Oh, they can always fix it.” Klaus nodded. 

Lilac and Violet nodded at each other, and then moved over to the basket that held the engine. They knelt down, with Violet tying back her hair as Lilac pulled open a panel. Solitude and Sunny hurried over to watch, already impressed. 

Both girls reached into the basket of wires and switches. They dug through for a while, and then Violet said, “Here’s your problem. You need solid 12-gauge wires. These are standard 14.” 

“We need wire cutters, banana plugs and a small oiling can.” said Lilac. 

Hector ran to gather the items, and Sunny raced after him, managing to grab the wire cutters herself and running back with them, proudly showing them off to her big sisters. Hector brought the rest of the materials, and Lilac and Violet got to work, cutting and adjusting and replacing wires and oiling up parts of the engine. Klaus picked up Solitude so she could have a better view, and Sunny crawled under their arms to look for herself. 

“Shit.” Lilac muttered. 

“What?” Klaus asked. 

Instead of responding, Violet said, “We need your biggest wrench.” 

Hector grabbed a wrench from a table and handed it to her. Violet took it and slammed it against part of the engine, and then her and Lilac backed up, and Lilac flicked it on. 

They heard wheels start to turn and gears start to click together, and Lilac and Violet grinned, proud to have actually fixed something. 

Violet and Lilac stood up, taking their hair out of their ribbons. “Now,” Lilac said, “We will need full access to all your inventing materials.” 

“And I’ll need blueprints of the uptown jail.” Klaus said. 

“Dead fly.” said Solitude. 

Hector sighed. “Well,” he said, “So long as you’re careful.” 

“We’re always careful.” Lilac said. 

“Eh.” Violet shrugged. 

“But what  _ matters,”  _ Lilac said, “Is that we’re going to succeed. If this man can help us figure out the truth of what’s going on, than that gets us one step closer to finding Nick. And we will do  _ anything _ and  _ everything _ to get him back.” 

 

They finished their invention before the morning. Lilac and Violet had put together a device that would break through the stone of the jail wall, which Klaus had located with his blueprints. 

“We’ll stop at the firetruck on the way out,” Lilac explained as they pushed the mechanical device out of the barn, “We can either hide Jacques in it, or find a way to get it out of the fence and drive him somewhere safe. Obviously we don’t want to leave town without Nick or the Quagmires, but hopefully if we have to leave, we can come back with the police.” 

“I’d put Nick’s stuff in there,” Klaus said, “But I like having it on me. It’s… comforting, almost. Even though it’s probably a bad idea to have it with me in this heat.” 

Lilac nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

But as they passed the Nevermore Tree, Sunny turned towards the branches and let out a cry. “Couplet!” she cried, and her siblings jumped. They saw what she did; a white scroll falling among the black feathers. Violet ran forwards and caught it, racing back to her siblings to read it aloud. 

_ The first thing you read contains our clues:  _

_ An initial way to speak to you.  _

“How are these getting into the tree?” Violet asked. 

Lilac looked from the tree to the house. “We didn’t hear anyone approach.” 

Sunny suddenly brightened, and said, “Reuter!” she shouted, which meant,  _ “The crows must be carrying the messages!”  _

“What?” Klaus asked. 

“Loidya!” Sunny answered, which meant something like,  _ “The poems must be attached to the crows somehow, and they break away when they sleep in the Nevermore Tree.”  _

Lilac’s eyes widened. “Sunny, you’re a genius!” 

“I know.” Sunny said. 

Solitude suddenly started, clapping her hands. “They must be uptown!” she said. 

“Uptown?” Violet asked. 

“No, she’s right.” Klaus said. “One of the poems said  _ Until dawn comes we cannot speak.  _ That’s when the crows roost uptown.” 

“They’re attaching the poems in the morning,” Lilac said, “And letting them fall at the Nevermore Tree.’ 

Violet smiled. “What do you say we skip chores today, break a man out of jail, and then search uptown for the Quagmires and Nick?” 

“I think that’s a great idea,” said Lilac, who almost never let her siblings skip chores. “Alright, let’s get a move on. We have to break out Jacques before breakfast, before he gets burned at the stake.” 

Unfortunately, the siblings never got the chance. 

 

“Alright,” Violet said, “Put it here.” 

They placed their invention beside the wall, and Klaus said, “The jail cell should be right behind this wall. If we get started now, there should be a hole before long.” 

“Bite?” Sunny asked. 

“No, biting it won’t help,” Klaus said, “But thank you for offering.” 

Lilac turned on the machine, and a swinging hammer hit the wall, causing a dent. The siblings let out a cheer, but stopped very quickly when they heard loud noises from in front of the jail. 

“Breakfast can’t be over already.” said Violet, shutting off the machine. 

“What’s going on?” Klaus asked. 

“Jacques?” Solitude guessed, hugging Lilac’s leg. Lilac picked her up, and Violet grabbed Sunny, and the siblings ran out to the front of the jail to see what the commotion was. 

As they reached the crowd, Klaus called out, “What’s going on? Is Jacques making a speech? Are you letting him go?” 

Only one person noticed the Baudelaires- Officer Luciana, standing towards the front of the crowd. She gave them a smile from under her motorcycle helmet and said, “So good of the orphans to join us!” 

Then she looked at them and said, “Last night, Count Olaf was murdered.” 


	18. in which Count Olaf was not murdered

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

_in which Count Olaf was not murdered_

 

The Baudelaire siblings watched as the body of Jacques was carried from the jail in a stretcher, a white sheet placed over him. Hector came up behind them and said, “What happened?”

“Ah, that is the question.” said Officer Luciana.

“What ‘happened’ was that Count Omar was murdered!” said Ms Morrow.

“His name is Count _Olaf,”_ Lilac said, “And that man wasn’t him! That was Jacques!”

Sunny let out a quiet cry, and Violet hugged her tight while Solitude patted her pocket, unable to pet Babbitt at the moment but still wanting to make sure her frog was still there.

“Step aside, children,” Officer Luciana pushed them back slightly as Jacques was carried away, “And let the adults talk. People of VFD! Last night, Count Olaf was murdered in his cell. I locked him in the uptown jail last night, and I have the only key! Clearly, this is a mystery.”

“How exciting!” said a woman in the crowd.

“A dead man is not exciting!” Klaus said. “It’s sad and scary!”

“Right now, the famous Detective Dupin is investigating the case!” Luciana announced. “He is inside the jail right now!”

“Who?” Klaus asked.

“What happened?” Violet asked. “How was Jacques killed?”

“How did someone get into his cell?” Lilac asked.

“Why wasn’t he guarded?” cried Solitude.

“This isn’t a matter for children.” said Officer Luciana. “Man in overalls, please take the children somewhere else.”

“Yes,” said an Elder, “Hector, take the children downtown to do their chores.”

“Not so fast!” called a voice as a man emerged from the jail, a man the children recognized instantly.

 _“You!”_ Lilac cried, jumping in front of her siblings and turning so that Solitude was partially blocked.

Count Olaf strutted out of the jail, enormous sunglasses covering his one eyebrow and bright track shoes covering his tattooed ankle. He looked like he had dressed himself in the dark, or he had picked clothes out of a rejected pile of clown costumes.

“It’s just not cool,” said Count Olaf, snapping his fingers in a rhythm, “To release suspects from the scene of a crime.”

“Suspects?” Klaus asked, horrified.

“Everyone,” said Officer Luciana, “This is the famous Detective Dupin!”

“No, it’s not!” cried Violet, trying to break past Lilac. “This is Count Olaf!”

“You mean Count Omar.” said Mr Lesko.

“No, his name is _Count Olaf!”_ Klaus shouted. “Those sunglasses are hiding his unibrow and his shoes are covering his ankle!”

“You kidnapped the Quagmire triplets!” Lilac hissed. “You kidnapped our _brother!_ And _you_ murdered Jacques!”

“Who is Jacques?” asked a Councilman.

“Clearly,” Luciana said, “The children are confused.”

“It’s not cool,” Dupin snapped, “To be confused, so let me explain. I wear these sunglasses and shoes because they are cool. Count Olaf is the man who was murdered last night, and these five children-” He paused dramatically, and then pointed right at the Baudelaires, “Are responsible for the crime.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Olaf!” Lilac shouted.

“Oh, I’m not Olaf, and I’m not ridiculous.” Dupin said. “It’s not cool to call me the name of the man you murdered.”

“What evidence could you possibly have?” Violet said.

“My associates are bringing them now!” Olaf said. “It’s not cool-” he snapped again- “To accuse someone without evidence, but you’ll find I have plenty!”

“Here we go, boss!” shouted a man, and the siblings turned to see the Hook-Handed Man push their invention to the front of the crowd.

“Shit.” Lilac muttered.

“What the hell is that?” Olaf muttered, low enough that only the children and Hook-Handed Man could hear.

“It looks like some kind of mechanical device.” the Hook-Handed Man said.

“Mechanical Device?” shouted a Councilwoman. “Rule #67 clearly states that no mechanical devices are to be allowed within city limits!”

“This device,” said Detective Dupin, strutting over to it, “Belongs to the Baudelaire orphans. It comes with one of the ribbons of the older girls!” He held up a ribbon, and the townspeople gasped.

“That’s not ours! Our ribbons are right here!” Lilac said, pulling her own ribbon out.

“That’s not the type of ribbon we use anyway.” VIolet said. “It wouldn’t hold up our hair.”

“And inside the jail cell,” Dupin continued, as if they’d never spoken, “I found this!” He held up a glass lens. “From Klaus Baudelaire’s glasses!”

“My glasses are right here,” Klaus said, looking furious, gesturing to his glasses. “They’re not broken.”

“And also in the jail,” Olaf gestured behind him, as the white-faced women emerged from the jail, “Was this shedded skin of a snake!”

The townspeople recoiled, as one of the white-faced women held up some skin, and Olaf said, “The only person who’d bring a reptile into city limits is Solitude Baudelaire!”

“That’s not even real!” Solitude shouted.

“That evidence is flimsy at best!” Lilac shouted. “We still have our ribbons and lenses, and Solitude doesn’t have a snake!”

“Just because you replaced your glasses and ribbons doesn’t make you not murderers.” shouted a townsperson.

“And obviously she doesn’t have a snake anymore,” said another townsperson, “Its skin is right there! You’re still murderers!”

“Oh, no,” Dupin said, “They’re not the murderers. They’re accomplices.”

“An accomplice,” said Luciana, “Is someone who aids a murderer!”

“We _know_ what an accomplice is!” Klaus snapped.

“There were bite marks found on Count Olaf’s body!” said Detective Dupin. “There’s only one person uncool-” he snapped again- “enough to bite someone to death! And that person is none other than Sunny Baudelaire!”

“Our sister is not a murderer!” Violet shouted.

“She would never bite anyone to death!” Lilac said.

“Debatable.” Sunny muttered.

“Not _helping.”_ Violet whispered.

“Detective Dupin is lying!” Lilac insisted.

“It’s not cool,” Dupin snapped, “To accuse me of lying. Instead of accusing other people of things, why don’t you tell us where you were last night?”

“We were at Hector’s house!” Klaus said, giving Olaf a death glare. “He’ll tell you himself! Hector, tell everyone we were with you!”

The citizens all looked around for Hector, but no reply came.

Violet bit her lip. “Hector gets skittish in front of crowds, but it’s true! We were at his house, watching the Nevermore tree!”

“Now you’re accusing our handyman of being your accomplice!” said a Councilwoman.

“I will arrest the children!” Luciana announced.

“Let’s burn them at the stake!” shouted Mr Lesko.

“We didn’t murder anyone!” Violet cried. “A ribbon, a lens and some bite marks aren’t enough evidence to accuse someone of murder!”

“We wouldn’t even have a motive! We didn’t know that man!” Klaus said.

“Oh, but you did have a motive.” Olaf said wickedly, and he turned towards the children, his eyes lighting up. “That man was Count Olaf.”

“No he-” Lilac began.

“And he was responsible,” Olaf said slowly, “For the death of your brother.”

There was a dead silence for only a moment, but to the Baudelaires, it seemed like an eternity. They were completely and utterly shocked, and even though they were in the desert, they all were suddenly incredibly cold. Violet felt as if her legs were made of lead, and she was about to fall, and Lilac felt like she was going to throw up. Sunny opened and closed her mouth to try and say something, while Solitude looked about ready to faint; she would have fallen over had she been standing up. Klaus completely froze over, eyes going wide.

Almost immediately, Lilac and Violet had the same thought. _He’s lying. He’s lying. He’s just trying to get a rise out of us. He needs Nick alive. He wouldn’t kill him. He needs him alive. He just wants to get under our skin._

Unfortunately, their siblings did not process this as fast as they did.

Sunny burst into tears, and Solitude let out the loudest shriek anyone had ever heard from a toddler. She started screaming, kicking at Lilac and throwing up her arms, any words she may have been trying to say lost in the angry shouts and loud sobs coming from her throat.

And after another moment, Klaus let out a scream to rival Soli’s, and immediately threw himself at Count Olaf.

“Klaus, _no!”_ Lilac screamed, running forwards as Solitude wailed, trying to grab him.

Klaus was screaming, kicking and punching as much as he could, but within a few seconds, Officer Luciana and the Hook-Handed Man pulled him back. He kicked and thrashed in their arms, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“You son of a _bitch!”_ Klaus shrieked, trying to shout over Solitude. “You _fuck!_ You piece of _shit!_ I’m going to _kill you!_ I will _kill you myself!_ You _son of a-”_

Violet raced forwards, trying to break him away from the adults. “Klaus! Klaus-”

“You _bastard! You fucking-”_ Klaus didn’t say any more, because at that moment, he doubled over, breaking into uncontrollable sobs. He struggled to breathe, barely able to stay on his feet, and Violet dropped Sunny to the ground to try and pull him away, only succeeding in getting held back by the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, who emerged from the crowd and dragged her away.

Olaf stared at Klaus a moment, as if amused. Then he straightened up and shouted, “You see! These children are insane and violent! They are clearly the murderers!”

“Let’s burn them!” Ms Morrow shouted, as Klaus and Soli continued to wail, and Sunny’s cries grew louder.

“You asshole!” Lilac shouted, kneeling down to pick up Sunny, too, even as Soli continued to throw a fit in her arms. “You piece of-”

“We can’t just burn them at the stake!” said a Councilwoman. “I have an appointment in ten minutes!”

“After dinner?” suggested another Elder.

“Yes, that sounds good.”

“No!” Violet shouted. “No, no, you can’t-”

“I will lock the children in the uptown jail!” announced Luciana. “And we will burn them after dinner!”

“No!” Lilac shouted. “No!”

Violet and Klaus were dragged inside, and the White-Faced Women hoisted Lilac to her feet and dragged her, too, grumbling about the screaming toddlers in her arms.

“Please!” Lilac shouted. “We’re not killers! That man isn’t Count Olaf! We’re _innocent!”_

But nobody listened.

 

Officer Luciana threw Klaus into the cell first, and he crumpled to the floor, still struggling to breathe and crying a river. The Henchperson tossed in Violet next, and Lilac stumbled in after them, slowly putting the toddlers on a bench against the wall; Sunny had stopped being so loud, but she still cried as she curled up, while Solitude kept kicking and screeching.

“This is the deluxe cell. Enjoy your stay.” Luciana said, and she slammed the door shut. Her and the henchpeople left, and the children were completely alone.

Babbitt leapt out of Solitude’s pocket, retreating across the floor from the toddler’s tantrum. They watched Solitude for a bit, as if wondering if they could help, and then they moved to Klaus, pressing up against his leg and chirping.

“Soli, it was a lie! I promise!” Lilac said, kneeling by the bench. “Sunny, it’s okay! He wouldn’t kill Nick! He needs him alive, he was lying to make us upset! I promise!”

Solitude quieted, only slightly, but she still sobbed and hugged her knees. Sunny wiped her eyes with her sleeve, muttering something under her breath. Lilac turned slightly, to look towards Violet and Klaus.

“Klaus, Klaus, it’s okay!” Violet was shouting, kneeling in front of him. “He’s not dead! Olaf was lying, Nick can’t be-”

“We don’t _know that!”_ Klaus shouted, clutching his stomach and sharply looking up at her, his face red and wet with tears. “We don’t _know that!_ He… he could’ve… he…”

Violet reached out a hand and said, “Klaus, do you want a hug?”

Klaus nodded, and Violet pulled him close, hugging him as tight as she could. Babbitt hopped away and moved up beside Soli, and Lilac went over to Klaus, also giving him a hug.

“I promise,” Lilac’s voice broke as she also started to cry, “He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s… he can’t be. Not our Nick.”

“It’s our f-fault.” Klaus cried. “It’s our… it’s our… he was behind us, we trusted Esme and we d-didn’t notice…”

“No. No, don’t you _dare_ blame yourself.” Violet said. She looked from Lilac to the toddlers, and said, “None of you! None of you are to blame for Nick getting kidnapped! None of us! It’s that bastard’s fault!”

“That bastard just framed us for murder and locked us in jail.” Lilac said. She curled up beside Klaus and said, “We need to get out of here.”

“Yeah, I’d rather not get burned at the stake.” Violet said. “Klaus, can you stand up?”

Klaus shook his head.

“Can you breathe?” Lilac asked.

He tried to answer, but only slid over to the wall, leaning against it and clutching his stomach, still crying. Lilac sat in front of him and said, “Do you need help?” Klaus shook his head, and she said, “We’re right here if you need us, okay?”

“Girls?” Violet turned to the toddlers. “Are you alright?”

Sunny hesitantly nodded, and put her head on Solitude’s shoulder. Soli didn’t even answer, instead putting a hand over Babbitt and continuing to sniffle.

“We’re getting out of here.” Lilac said. “I promise. We’re going to get out of here, and we’re going to find Nick and the Quagmires, and then everything will be okay.”

“How?” Sunny asked.

Lilac didn’t have an answer for her.


	19. in which the Twins get a Birthday Present

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

_ in which the Twins get a Birthday Present  _

 

“What do we have?” Violet asked. 

When Klaus had finally pulled out of his panic attack, and Solitude’s tears had slowed, the five siblings sat in a circle, trying to plan something. Lilac and Violet both had their hair tied back, glancing around the cell. 

“We have a bench.” Lilac said. “And a noose.” 

“Why’ve we got a noose hanging from the ceiling?” Klaus asked. 

“Why,” the siblings jumped as they heard a venomous, familiar voice behind them, “That’s what makes it the Deluxe Cell. The free noose.” 

The Baudelaires whipped towards the door and glared at Count Olaf, who stood behind the bars, watching them with a horrible smile. 

“You sick bastard.” Violet said. 

“You evil man!” Lilac shouted. 

“Fuck you!” Solitude said, flipping him off. Babbitt also chirped a curse in frog language. 

“Well, that’s no way to talk to a famous Detective.” said Count Olaf. 

“You’re Count Olaf, and you’ll be in jail before long!” Klaus hissed, murder in his eyes. 

“Really? It seems to me that I’m a detective out here, and you’re a murderess and her four accomplices in the Deluxe Cell.” Olaf said with a wicked grin. “And tonight, you’ll burn at the stake.” 

“That’s not going to happen.” LIlac got to her feet, followed quickly by her siblings, as she said, “We’re not going to die.” 

“So many people have said that.” Olaf said. “And all of them have died eventually.” 

“We’re not going to die here. You need us alive.” Lilac said. “You need one of us to get the Baudelaire fortune.”

“Li-” Violet warned grabbing her arm. 

“You can’t get it if we’re dead.” Lilac shrugged her off, still giving Olaf the most hateful glare she could. 

“Is that so?” Olaf smirked. “I was under the impression I had a Baudelaire with me.” 

Even in the distressing circumstances, Violet and Sunny breathed a sigh of relief. Klaus, meanwhile, flared up again and threw himself forwards, and Lilac only barely managed to grab his arms and drag him back to keep him from running right into the jail bars. 

_ “Where is he?”  _ Klaus shouted. “Let him  _ go! Give me back my brother!”  _

Olaf let out a horrible laugh, and Solitude let out a frustrated scream. “I’d think you’d want him somewhere away from the murderers who are about to be burned at the stake. But I’d like to thank you, Klaus, your delightful reaction made framing you for murder so much easier.” 

Klaus’s eyes widened, and then he shouted,  _ “Fuck you! Give us our brother!”  _

“You’re  _ never _ going to get our fortune!” Violet shouted. “We’re going to escape, and we’re going to take our brother back!” 

“You won’t keep Nick.” Lilac added. “He’ll get away from you, and the Quagmires, too! We’re never going to give up, and neither are they!” 

“Baudelaires don’t give up!” Solitude shouted. 

Olaf just smiled. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” 

Violet recoiled in horror, and then she shouted, “What did you  _ do _ to him?” 

“If you hurt him, I will  _ destroy _ you!” Lilac shouted, having to dig her heels into the ground to keep Klaus from breaking away from her. 

_ “Let him go! Let Nick go!”  _ Klaus shouted. 

“Bitch! Bastard!” screamed Solitude. 

“Nex!” Sunny cried, which meant something like,  _ “We’ll murder you for real, asshole!”  _

Olaf laughed again, and said, “You children really think you’re going to escape this one, don’t you? Well, I was just here to give you your last meal. Rule two-hundred-something-or-other says prisoners are entitled to bread and water.” 

He walked out of sight and came back with a tray of stale bread and a pitcher of water. He opened a slot at the bottom of the door and slid it inside. 

“Enjoy, Baudelaires.” Olaf said. “By afternoon, only one of you will still be alive, and your fortune will be mine.” 

“That’s not going to happen!” Lilac hissed. “I promise you, by afternoon, we’ll have our brother back, and we’ll fucking slaughter you!” 

“Good luck with that.” said Olaf, and he left, shooting them a victorious grin that made Lilac want to throw up. 

Lilac released Klaus, and he ran to the bars, grabbing them and trying to spot Olaf. He let out a frustrated groan and then moved to sit on the bench, putting his head in his hands. 

“We need to get the fuck out of here.” Violet said. “Nick  _ has _ to be nearby.” 

“If we stood on each others’ shoulders,” Lilac said, glancing up at the wall, “We might be able to reach that window, but there are bars, nobody would be able to fit through it.” 

“Pick lock?” Solitude suggested. 

Lilac shook her head again. “It locks from the outside, a lockpick would be useless to us.” 

Solitude considered, “Give lockpick to Babbitt?”  

“Can they stick to the wall?” Violet asked. 

Solitude huffed and shook her head. 

“Nick was right.” Violet sighed, sliding against the wall and sitting down. Sunny crawled over to sit beside her as she continued, “We should’ve actually killed him.” 

“Thrown Babbitt.” Solitude sighed. 

“That wouldn’t have killed him.” Klaus said. “Babbitt’s not venomous.” 

“Not yet.” said Solitude. 

Lilac gave her an odd look. “Young lady, what does that mean?” 

Solitude simply shrugged and sat beside Violet, petting her frog. 

“But it doesn’t matter.” Lilac sighed, sitting on the bench beside Klaus and glaring at the food they’d been given. “What matters is that we get the hell out of here.” 

“Baudelaires?” 

The children looked up, to see Hector standing outside the door. “Hector!” Violet said, standing up. 

“I had to come see you!” Hector said. “I can’t believe they’re going to burn you at the stake!” 

“They might not!” Lilac said. “Just explain to the Council of Elders that we were with you last night!” 

“Oh, I can’t do that.” Hector said. “You know how much they frighten me. I couldn’t even say anything outside. But I do want you to know I have a plan.” 

“What?” Klaus asked. 

“I’m going to set off in the Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home at dinnertime.” said Hector. “If you escape by then, you can come with me! We can escape the village!” 

The Baudelaires gave each other incredulous looks, and then Lilac said, “We’ll try, Hector.” 

“And one more thing.” Hector said. He reached his hand through the bars, and Lilac stood up as soon as she saw he had a crumpled piece of paper. “I found another couplet. Maybe you could use it?” 

“Thank you.” Lilac said, taking the paper. Hector waved goodbye, and Lilac read the poem as he left. 

_ Inside these letters the eye will see _

_ Nearby are your loved ones and the VFD  _

“They’re nearby!” Violet cheered. 

“We have to get out and find them.” Lilac said again. 

“Maybe we could make a lockpick that could reach through the bars?” Violet suggested. 

“I don’t think we have that many supplies.” Lilac said. “Klaus do you- Klaus?” 

Klaus had gotten up to see the poem, but he’d stopped beside the tray of bread and water. He knelt beside it, staring with wide, sad eyes. 

“Klaus? What’s wrong?” Violet walked over to sit beside him, followed quickly by Sunny and Solitude. 

Lilac moved to his other side, just as he said, “I just remembered. It’s our birthday today.” 

The girls stared at him a moment, and then Violet gasped. “Klaus! We completely forgot!” 

“I- I forgot, too. So much was happening, and…” Klaus shut his eyes. “It’s just… I was looking at the bread, and I remembered… I remembered our last birthday, Mother and Father made that awful bread pudding…” 

“The worst we’d ever tasted.” Violet said, putting a hand over her necklace. 

“They were trying something new, and failed spectacularly.” Lilac said, pushing a braid back as Solitude curled up against her. 

“Nick and Sunny threw it against the wall.” Klaus recalled, blinking back tears. Sunny nodded, also remembering. “And Mother and Father promised that next year we’d… we’d have a real birthday dinner. I don’t mean to sound spoiled, but I was hoping for a better birthday than being imprisoned for murder and burned at the stake.” 

“That’s not spoiled at all.” Lilac laughed a little. 

And then Klaus said, his voice breaking, “I’ve never had a birthday alone.” 

He started to cry, and Violet hugged him tight, and Sunny and Solitude both grabbed onto his legs in an attempt at a hug. Lilac held back her own tears and said, “I’m so sorry, Klaus. I promise you, we’ll get you a great birthday gift. Anything you want, soon as we’re able.” 

“Wh-what I really want is my brother.” Klaus said. 

“We’ll get Nick back. I promise.” Lilac said, putting a hand over his. 

“I’m afraid that might take a deus ex machina.” Klaus said, before burying his head in Violet’s shoulder. 

Lilac bit her lip, putting a hand on the bread. Then she paused, and picked it up. “This is hard.” she said. 

“What?” Sunny glanced over at her. 

“The bread.” Lilac said, and she dropped it to the ground with a  _ thump. _ “I don’t even think you could bite it, Sunshine.” 

Violet looked over at it, and then narrowed her eyes. Then she smiled. “Happy birthday, Klaus.” she said. “I have a deus ex machina for you.” 

Klaus looked up at her, and she slowly pulled away from him. “Klaus, take the couplets.” she said. “You and the girls, figure out if Isadora has another message. Lilac, help me make our escape route.” 

Lilac glanced from the bread to Violet. “Wait. Are you thinking-” 

“Pick up the bench.” Violet said. “I’ll get the noose.” 

“Battering ram?” Lilac asked. 

“Battering ram.” Violet nodded. 

Klaus took out the couplets, lining them up on the floor, and Sunny and Solitude crawled on either side of him. Solitude let Babbitt onto the ground, and the frog hopped to the papers, batting them with one of their feet. 

Violet untied the noose, and her and Lilac used the Devil’s Tongue Knot on the bench, tying it to the ceiling. Violet slipped the bread onto one end of the bench, wrapping the rope around it, and Lilac dumped the water from the pitcher onto the ground and pushed that beside it. 

“Think it’ll work?” Violet asked. 

In response, Lilac took the bench, swung it back, and banged it against the wall. 

There was a loud  _ boom _ as it made contact, and Lilac said, “Oh, it’ll work.” 

The sisters smiled at each other, and Violet grabbed the other side of the bench and sang in a bright voice, _“Happy birthday to you,_ _HEY!”_ On the _hey,_ she banged the bench into the wall. 

Lilac joined in.  _ “Happy birthday to you, HEY!”  _

They sang and banged for a bit, lighting up as they saw the wall start to crumble slightly. Sunny and Klaus covered their ears, but sang along, and Solitude giggled and clapped her hands. 

But after a few verses, Klaus called, “Wait! I’ve got it!” 

Lilac and Violet dropped the bench a moment, and Lilac said, “You found a message?” 

Klaus nodded, and finally, a smile broke across his face. He lined up the papers more neatly and said, “Come over here.” 

Lilac and Violet moved beside him, and he said, “Look, if we have the poems in order.  _ Inside these letters, the eye will see… an Initial way to speak to you…”  _

“Initial…” Solitude repeated, eyes going wide. 

“And,  _ the first thing you read contains our clues.”  _ Klaus said. “First thing- letters- initials! You see?” 

“I think.” Violet said. 

“It’s the first letter of every line.” Klaus said. “Look- F-O-U-N-T-A-I-N.” 

“Fountain.” Lilac gasped. 

“Fowl Fountain!” Violet said. “They were there the  _ whole time!”  _

“And it’s right across the jail.” Lilac said. “Right behind that wall.” 

They turned to look at the wall, and Violet said, “You still have Nick’s clothes with you?” 

Klaus nodded. “Happy birthday, Nick.” 

“Happy birthday, Klaus.” Lilac said. She and Violet got up and grabbed the battering ram again, and slammed it into the wall. They heard a crumbling noise, and grinned. 

_ “Happy birthday to you, HEY!”  _

_ “Happy birthday to you, HEY!”  _

_ “Happy birthday dear twins, HEY!” _

_ “Happy birthday to YOU!”  _

On the last  _ you,  _ the battering ram hit the wall, and there was a loud  _ crash _ as a hole opened up. 

“Deus ex machina.” Violet said. 

“Deus ex machina.” Lilac agreed. 

They hit the wall again, and more of it crumbled, and there was their way out. 

“We’re going to find our brother.” Violet said, dropping the battering ram. “And the Quagmires.” 

“You know, Nick’s gonna be pissed.” Klaus smiled, picking up Sunny as he stood up. “He’s always wanted to break out of jail.” 

“I’m sure he’ll have the opportunity some other time.” Violet said. “For now, let’s just get him and the Quagmires the hell out of this town.” 

The Baudelaires climbed out of the hole, blinking in the sunlight. 

“Thank fuck nobody’s around.” Lilac said. “Looks like they’re all busy getting ready to set us on fire.” 

“You know,” Violet said, picking up Solitude as Babbitt leapt back into her pocket, “Li, this was a long time coming for you. Eventually someone was gonna assume you were a witch.” 

“The Witch Trials ended hundreds of years ago.” Lilac said, gesturing for them to follow her in the direction of the fountain. 

“So did burning at the stake as a method of execution,” Klaus said, as Sunny giggled in his arms. “But here we are.” 

The siblings laughed a little, and then ran as fast as they could towards Fowl Fountain. 


	20. in which Sunny drives a Firetruck

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

_in which Sunny drives a Firetruck_

 

“So.” Violet said, adjusting her hair ribbon, “How do we get this baby open?”

They looked up at the fountain, which looked like a massive, cawing bird. “Mah,” Sunny said, which meant, _“Maybe we could take a sledgehammer to it.”_

“First of all, we’d need a sledgehammer,” Lilac said, “And second, that could hurt whoever’s inside.”

“Must be cramped.” Solitude said, eyeing the size of the fountain. Then she let out a small cry as Babbitt leapt from her pocket and jumped to the ground. “Babbitt! No!”

“Babbitt!” Violet and Klaus also called as the frog hopped to the edge of the fountain, peering into the water.

Lilac ran forwards, picking up the frog, only for them to start chirping and gesturing up. “Wait. I think they have an idea.” Lilac said. She followed the frog’s gaze, and then smiled. “Good Babbitt.” The frog happily chirped, and she said, “We’re going to need to stand on each others’ shoulders.”

“Why?” Violet asked.

Lilac moved over to Solitude, giving her back her frog, and then she said, “We need to get to the beak. _No voices come from this sad beak.”_

They all looked up at the open mouth of the fountain, and Klaus said, “Genius.”

“Good Babbitt!” Solitude said, as Violet put her down onto the ground. Klaus dropped Sunny, too, as Violet quickly climbed onto Lilac’s shoulders.

“You know,” Violet said, as Klaus ran over to try and climb onto her shoulders, “I could probably scale the statue.”

“We’re not risking it.” Lilac said. “Klaus, careful. We don’t want you to fall.”

“That’s likely, but I think I’m good.” Klaus said. Then he giggled. “I’m thirteen now, I’m all grown up.”

“Nope. Still baby.” Lilac said.

Klaus finally got to Violet’s shoulders, and he reached up, barely able to grab the edge of the beak.

“Maybe there’s a lever or switch inside.” he said, and then he slipped and fell off of Violet’s shoulders.

“Klaus, you absolute disaster!” Violet shouted, as she and Lilac fell back.

Klaus gripped onto the edge of the beak for a moment as his sisters fell to the ground and swore, and then the bottom of the beak began to lower, and Klaus found himself falling, too. Lilac managed to jump to her feet and catch him before he could hit his head on the edge of the stone fountain, and she placed him onto the ground in time to watch the beak finally open all the way.

And then the bird split in half.

It opened up, its sides swerving apart, and the Baudelaires saw three very dirty kids blinking in the sudden light, before turning to their rescuers.

“Duncan!” “Isadora!” _“Nick!”_

The Baudelaires leapt to their feet as Solitude let out a squeal of excitement, but as Duncan started to move, Lilac said, “Be careful! You could slip, you don’t want to fall!”

Duncan smiled as he cautiously stepped onto the edge of the fountain. “Nice to see you, Lilac.” he said, his voice a bit hoarse.

Klaus ran forwards, pulling Duncan off the fountain into a tight hug. Duncan laughed, as Isadora carefully stepped out, too, shooting smiles at the Baudelaires.

“You got the poems!” Isadora said.

Violet helped her down, and said, “We did! How did you think to use messenger crows?”

“It was Duncan’s idea.” Isadora said. “He remembered doing a report on messenger birds from some books we stole from Mother’s study.”

“It was damp from dew,” Duncan said, “And there were always crows on the fountain. We’d wait until one landed and then we’d wrap a wet couplet around its leg. The paper dried overnight and fell from the tree. But it was Isadora’s idea to use couplets as a code.”

“We overheard the villagers talking from the fountain and figured out you’d be at the Nevermore Tree, wherever that is,” Isadora said, “So we’d be able to send you messages!”

“It was brilliant.” Lilac said, beaming.

And then, quietly, they heard Solitude say, “Nick?”

Slowly, the Baudelaires turned back to the fountain. Nick was standing at the edge of the statue, staring down at the water, almost in a daze. He didn’t make any move to jump out, instead still looking like he was trying to process something.

“Nick?” Lilac called, and Nick looked up slightly, and his siblings realized just how _awful_ he looked. His pinstripe suit was torn and tattered, his hair was a mess, he had some kind of bruise on his cheek, and worst of all, he had the same haunted look in his eyes that the Quagmires had when they’d been in the elevator shaft.

“Nick, hey.” Isadora slowly pulled away from Violet and Lilac and stepped closer to the fountain, her voice very soft. “Your siblings found us. We were right. They found us.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Lilac asked, terror in her voice. “What did they do?”

“He’s just…” Duncan paused.

Isadora finally got Nick to take her hand, and he stepped down from the fountain, shaking as he landed on the ground.

“Nick!” Solitude ran over to him, holding up her arms to try and get him to pick her up. He stared down at her silently, eyes wide.

“We think they drugged him or something.” Duncan muttered, as Klaus stepped away to get to his brother. “But we’re not sure, he- he might just be in shock.”

“He kept trying to escape.” Isadora said sadly. “They… they didn’t like that.”

Nick finally leaned down, picking up Solitude and holding her cautiously. Soli hugged him, and muttered, “Missed you! Love you!”

“I…” Nick tried to say, his voice scarily shaky and quiet.

Klaus walked forwards, carefully putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder. Nick jumped and turned to him, and Klaus said, “Hey. Happy birthday.”

Nick stared at him in confusion, and then he said, “It’s our…?”

Violet raced forwards and hugged him and Klaus tightly, and Sunny ran up to grab onto Nick’s leg. Nick stood stock-still, but he didn’t protest or try to pull away as his siblings embraced him.

Lilac carefully stepped forwards, before turning to the Quagmires. “Are you okay?” she asked.

They nodded. “Now that you’re here.” Isadora said.

“We took notes on everything we learned. From the book and from…” Duncan bit his lip. “Well, like we said, our captors like to brag.”

“We have everything.” Isadora said. “All their crimes, everything they said-”

“Everything about the real VFD.” Duncan shuddered.

“We wrote down what we think is true.” Isadora said. “Whenever they let us out at night to eat and stuff like that, we’d write when they weren’t looking. That’s when I made the couplets, and when we took all our notes.”

“Meaning you, um,” Lilac said awkwardly, “All heard us get arrested for murder?”

“Yeah,” Duncan said, leaning onto Klaus’s shoulder, “And it sucks that wasn’t actually Olaf. We were hoping you’d actually killed him.”

“That man was named Jacques Snicket.” Isadora said.

Lilac narrowed her eyes. “Snicket. That sounds… familiar?”

Duncan and Isadora shared a glance, and to the Baudelaires’ surprise, Nick flinched and also shared the triplets’ look. “Well, that’s not a surprise.” Duncan said. “He was the brother of a man who-”

“And,” Violet interrupted, pulling away from Nick for a moment, “We have to leave.”

The group paused, and then they heard what she had; the sound of an angry mob approaching.

“I think they noticed we broke out of jail.” Lilac said nervously, running to pick up Sunny and giving Nick a quick side-hug.

“You _think?”_ Klaus said, grabbing Nick’s arm as they ran, and using his other arm to grab Duncan’s hand and pull him along. Isadora picked up Sunny and followed closely as they all heard the sounds of a mob grow closer.

“Quick question,” Violet asked, as they rounded a bend, “Is it dinnertime?”

“Is that important?” Duncan asked.

“Might be, depending on whether or not our escape route is taking off.” Violet said.

“Taking _off?”_ Isadora’s eyes widened. “Just what are you planning?”

“Depends on- _shit!”_ Lilac turned a bend, and swore as she realized they’d hit a dead end.

“If we go to the right,” Klaus said, “We can climb the fence into the firehouse yard.”

“Will that help?” Duncan asked.

“There’s a firetruck. If we can get it out of the yard, we can drive away.” Klaus said.

“There’ll be a ladder on it.” Lilac said. “We can use that to get to Hector’s Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home.”

“A Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home?” Isadora asked.

“Long story short, it’ll get us out of here.” Lilac said. She raced to the right, and then took Sunny from Isadora and held her up. “Climb over the wall, Sun. Someone get Solitude over. Girls, bring something to help us get down.”

“Uh, might not have time for that,” Klaus said, as they heard the sounds of the mob getting closer.

As they listened, they could hear Olaf shouting, “What do we want?” and the crowd responding, “To burn children!” over and over.

“This town seems nice.” Isadora said.

“Alright, we’re climbing the fence.” Lilac said, as Sunny hauled herself over. “Klaus, we’ll hoist you up. Violet-”

“On it.” Violet said, helping Klaus grab onto the top of the fence.

“Alright, Duncan, Isadora, can you climb?”

“Oh, definitely.” Isadora said.

“I spent so much time chasing Quigley and Isadora up trees that I better know how to climb.” Duncan said.

“Good, I’ll help Nick and Soli. Hurry it up before they find us.” Lilac raced over to Nick, who was staring at the fence blankly as Solitude clung incredibly tightly onto him. “Okay, Nick, we’re going over.”

Nick bit his lip and nodded.

Lilac tried not to cry. “You think you can climb it?”

He nodded, and then Soli said, “No! I don’t wanna let go!”

“Solitude, you just need to let go for five seconds.” Lilac said. “And then we’re safe, okay?”

“No!”

Lilac looked towards the sound of the approaching mob as Klaus and Isadora managed to climb over the fence. “Solitude, please! Do you want to get burned at the stake?”

“No-”

“Then I’ll hold you over the fence, and then help Nick over. Okay?”

Solitude hesitated, and then she slowly held out her hand. Babbitt leapt onto her palm, and she carefully placed them onto Nick’s shoulder. “No lonely?” she said, and Babbitt chirped. Nick barely moved, only glancing at the frog as Lilac took Soli and held her over the fence. She could see Violet’s hands reaching from the other side; her and Duncan must’ve crawled over while Lilac was distracted.

“Okay, Nick, I’m going to help you up, and then I’ll go over.” Lilac said. “Okay? Nick?”

Nick nodded, putting a hand on Babbitt and glancing between Lilac and the fence. Lilac had never, in her whole life, seen him this quiet.

She took a deep breath, and then ran forwards and hugged him. Nick flinched, and she said, “I’m going to protect you. I won’t fail again. I promise.”

Nick didn’t respond, so Lilac pulled away and walked him towards the fence. He jumped and grabbed onto the top, and she quietly made sure he got over alright before she climbed it herself. As she jumped to the other side, watching Solitude run back over to Nick and beg to be picked up again, she said, “Is everyone here?”

“I think.” Violet glanced behind her towards the firetruck. “We can use that to get out, if we can get it past the fence.”

Lilac did a quick headcount, and then said, “Wait. Where’s Sunny?”

The siblings glanced around, and Klaus muttered, “Goddamnit.”

“Where the _hell-”_ Lilac began.

“Shh!” Isadora raced over and slapped a hand over her mouth, and Lilac realized why in a moment.

“What do we want?”

_“To burn children!”_

“When do we want it?”

_“Now!”_

“What do we want?”

_“To burn children!”_

“That sounds a bit too close for comfort.” Duncan said.

“We have to hide.” Violet said. “If they look over the fence…”

“We have to find Sunny. _Sunny!”_ Lilac called.

She stopped calling, though, when she heard Isadora cry out, _“Nick!”_

Nick was backing away from the fence, eyes wide, gripping onto Solitude so hard his knuckles were white. Isadora ran forwards, and Lilac realized then that he was shaking uncontrollably.

“Nick, Nick, it’s okay!” Isadora said. She reached forwards, grabbing his face. “Look at me! _Look at me!_ Duncan-”

Duncan ran over, putting a hand on Nick’s shoulder, as Nick said, “They’re going to find us. They’re going to catch us. They’re going to find us-”

“No! No, they are not going to catch us again!” said Isadora. “I promise, Nick, they’re not going to hurt us again.”

Klaus slowly turned to his other siblings, looking just as horrified as they all felt. Then he moved over to Nick and said, “We’re protecting you, okay? We’re-”

At that moment, the window to the firetruck lowered, and Sunny leaned out, calling, “Westman!” which meant something like, _“Get in the truck, now!”_

“Sunny?” Lilac called, confused, even as she moved to help Duncan and Isadora push Nick into the back of the truck.

 _“Now!”_ Sunny shouted for emphasis, and Violet and Klaus started running, too. As soon as all of the kids had jumped into the back of the truck, Lilac peered over the window into the seats, to see that Sunny had managed to strap thick boots to her legs with some wires, and she had just turned on the engine.

“Oh…” Lilac began.

“...no.” said Violet, also realizing what was about to happen.

And Sunny shifted the truck into _drive_ and hit the gas.  

The children let out cries of shock as Sunny drove right through the fence, causing it to loudly topple as the truck burst out. They heard shouts and screams, and Lilac and Duncan peered over the edge of the truck to see the mob of VFD villagers parting ahead of them, running to avoid the firetruck. Count Olaf and Officer Luciana, at the head of the mob, had slid to the side, and were watching in shock as the children drove away.

“Your sister drives?” Duncan asked.

“Apparently!” Violet said.

Sunny swerved the car to avoid a building, and the kids screamed as they landed hard against the wall. Solitude clung to Nick, and Babbitt let out a nervous chirp, and Klaus shouted, “Sunny, keep your eyes on the road!”  

Then Isadora looked up and said, “And also on that balloon house, I’m assuming!”

They looked up to the sky, and saw what she had; far up above them was Hector’s Self-Sustaining Hot Air Mobile Home, floating several feet away from town.

“We can still make it!” Lilac said. “Sunny, just- oh, shit.”

Sunny let out a groan as one of her wires snapped, and a boot toppled under the seat, falling off the gas pedal. The truck started to slow, and Klaus glanced behind them to see that the mob was still following them. “Oh shit, oh fuck…” he muttered, immediately sliding in front of Nick.

At that moment, Solitude pushed Babbitt onto Nick’s shoulder and said, “Hold this!” She immediately started running, jumping over Lilac and crawling through the window and onto the seat beside Sunny. Then she slid to the floor and jumped on the gas pedal, causing them to take off again.

“Why the _hell_ are our baby sisters driving a firetruck?” Lilac shouted.

“I don’t _know,_ but at least we’re getting away!” Violet said.

They drove out of the village and into the long, bright desert, barely staying on the road as Sunny and Solitude swerved. Violet jumped to her feet as they got close to the home and called, _“Hector!”_

They saw Hector peer over the edge of a basket, calling, “Baudelaires!”

“Lower a ladder!” Klaus called. “We’re coming up!”

Hector disappeared, and after a moment, the mobile home stopped mid-air, and a rope ladder was tossed over the side. Solitude moved away from the gas, and Sunny hit the brakes and then pressed a button, causing the ladder on the firetruck to ascend.

“Alright, Quagmires, you go first.” Lilac said. “We’ll grab the girls and try to distract the mob.”

“How are they still following us?” Klaus asked, peering over the edge of the truck to see the crowd of people following them out of town.

“They’re very determined to set us on fire.” Violet said. “Much like me and Nick at camp last year. Alright, hurry it up. We haven’t got all day.”

The ladder finally stopped, and Isadora said, “You should all go first-”

“Hey,” Violet said, punching her shoulder slightly. “Who was just kidnapped? Go ahead, we’ll be right behind you.”

Isadora bit her lip and nodded. She gave them all quick hugs, and then he started climbing as fast as she could.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Duncan asked, looking mainly at Klaus.

Klaus nodded, squeezing his hand. “We’ll be fine. Hurry up, we’ll follow.”

Duncan smiled at all the siblings, and then, as they turned towards the crowd again, he swiftly kissed Klaus on the cheek, and then ran to the ladder. Klaus froze and blushed a moment, but could only shoot Duncan a smile before the mob got a bit too close.

Violet grabbed a fire hose and yelled, “Stay back! This hose is at extreme power!”

“That’s right!” Klaus said. “I’ve read about hoses, and-”

“Long story short!” Lilac shouted. “This will knock you off your damn feet if you don’t _stay back.”_

“Aqua.” Sunny said, as she and Solitude crawled to the back of the truck. _“There’s no water in this truck.”_

“Shh.” Solitude elbowed her in the ribs.

The mob did pause, looking concernedly at the children, but Olaf, in the front of the group, merely smiled. “Look at that, friends and neighbors!” Olaf called. “The Baudelaire _murderers_ have their own accomplices!”

“Burn them at the stake!” chanted Officer Luciana, coming forwards.

Lilac instantly leapt in front of Nick, who worryingly was barely moving, just sitting stock-still and staring in horror at the mob. “Touch him again and I’ll burn _you!”_

“Klaus, take Sunny,” Violet said, “I’ll help Nick and Soli up next.”

Klaus nodded, picking up Sunny and starting up the ladder.

“Now, now-” Luciana began, taking a step forwards.

“Get the hell away from us!” Violet shouted, aiming the hose.

“Oh, please,” said Officer Luciana, and she then pulled something out of her belt. “We can stop you without moving any closer.”

Then she held up a harpoon gun and took aim at the balloons holding up Hector’s Home.

“No!” Violet and Klaus shouted, just as she fired.

A small harpoon hit a balloon with a loud _pop,_ and the Baudelaires turned to see the Home shake slightly. Isadora, who was halfway up the rope ladder, almost slipped, only barely managing to keep her hold. Duncan managed to grab the bottom of the rope ladder as it swung, trying to steady it before starting up himself.

“Don’t!” Lilac shouted, horror creeping into her voice. “The home will fall! They’ll die!”

“What do we care?” said Luciana. “We’re burning them at the stake anyway.”

“No!” Klaus shouted.

“Duncan, Isadora, climb faster!” Violet shouted.

“If she keeps popping balloons,” Lilac said, “That house will fall, and the Quagmires will fall with it.”

And then, quietly, they heard Nick say, “Then we have to let them go.”

They turned and saw him, still leaning against the wall and staring into nothing, but he had a slight look of determination in his eyes.

“He’ll kill them.” Nick said quietly. “If we go with them.”

They all understood. Slowly, Klaus looked up at the triplets, seeing that Isadora was helping Duncan into the basket. They were safe now.

“Hector!” Klaus shouted.

Hector peered over a basket edge. “Yes?”

“Take off!” Klaus cried. “Go higher, so the harpoons can’t get you!”

“But how will you reach the Home?” Hector asked.

“We won’t!” Lilac shouted. Then she turned towards the crowd and said, “Hold your fire! We’re coming down!”

“No!” Duncan shouted, even as Klaus climbed down the ladder.

“What are you _doing?”_ Isadora cried.

“We’re taking care of you!” Lilac called.

“We love you!” Violet shouted, as she watched Solitude lean over to press a button and lower the ladder.

Unfortunately, Officer Luciana simply raised her freshly-loaded harpoon gun and took another shot.

“No! Stop it!” Violet cried as Klaus reached the back of the truck, also stepping in front of Nick, who was starting to shake uncontrollably, throwing his arms over his head. Solitude raced to sit beside him, grabbing his leg. “Stop it! We’re surrendering! They’re innocent!”

 _“And_ so are we!” Klaus added, dropping Sunny behind him to sit by Soli and Nick.

“Does it look like I care?” said Luciana.

“Aim for the handyman!” cheered Olaf.

“No! Stop!” Lilac shouted.

Violet got an idea, then, and she called, “Hey, isn’t that a _mechanical device?”_

“Mechanical device?” shouted a Councilmember, and suddenly the mob grew furious, some of them moving in front of Officer Luciana and Detective Dupin.

“Rule #67 clearly states that no mechanical devices are to be allowed in town limits!” shouted an Elder.

“I’m stopping criminals!” cried Luciana.

“You can’t break rules to arrest rulebreakers!” said Mr Lesko.

“Burn _them!”_ shouted Ms Morrow.

At that, Sunny crawled back through the window of the firetruck, re-tying the boots to her legs, taking extra care to make sure the string held.

While the mob was distracted, Duncan and Isadora leaned over the basket, and Isadora shouted, “You can still reach!”

“No, we can’t.” Lilac said, knowing that this was only a temporary distraction, and there wouldn’t be enough time to raise the ladder and reach the mobile home. “I’m sorry!”

“We’ll see you again! We promise!” Violet shouted.

“Love you!” Solitude cried, curling up against Nick.

Duncan and Isadora shared a quick look, some kind of silent communication as the mobile home kept rising. Then they leaned over, this notebooks in hand. “Take our commonplace books!” Duncan shouted.

“They’ve got everything in them! About the fires, about the Snickets, about VFD!” Isadora said. “About our _parents!”_

The children then heard a loud squeaking, and they looked around to see the cloud of crows flying towards them, carefully maneuvering past the balloons. The people of VFD stopped moving, looking up in wonder at the crows’ migration, and Duncan and Isadora took the moment to throw down their notebooks.

That’s when Officer Luciana took off her helmet and shot again.

Her harpoon curled through the air, piercing both notebooks, sending the pages scattering in the wind. And then it hit a crow, which let out a pained caw before collapsing to the ground. The other crows screeched and flew faster, flapping far away.

“You’ve injured a crow!” called an Elder.

“You broke Rule #1!” cried another.

But the Baudelaires didn’t pay attention. They were catching as many pages as they could, and once they had them all in their hands, they looked up at the balloons, which were sailing away.

“Goodbye.” Klaus said quietly.

“Goodbye.” Violet said softly.

“Bye!” called Solitude.

“Goodbye!” Lilac shouted.

“We’ll see you soon!” Duncan shouted, as they drifted away.

“We won’t leave you forever!” Isadora declared. “We’ll find you! We promise!”

And with that, the Quagmires were gone.

The Baudelaires glanced back, to see Count Olaf and Officer Luciana- oh fuck, now that her helmet was gone they could clearly see who she was- race out from the crowd. “We’ll catch a ride outside of town!” Olaf called.

“Is that Esme Squalor?” shouted Ms Morrow, confused.

“Our chief of police is Esme Squalor?” shouted Mr Lesko.

“Not anymore!” Esme cried, flipping them off and running off with Count Olaf, laughing hard.

The Baudelaires stared after her in shock, and then Lilac said, “Sunny. Drive.”

Sunny needed no more encouragement. She hit the gas, and the firetruck burst down the road, leaving behind the village of VFD forever.

 

“Sunny, keep driving.” Violet said. “Olaf seemed sure he had a ride, so his henchpeople must have a car. We’ll have to hope we can outrun them.”

Sunny nodded, though she glanced nervously behind her and said, “Nick?”

Carefully, the Baudelaires all turned towards Nick, once they’d stuffed the Quagmires’ notes in a safe place. He had barely moved since the Quagmires left, and he was still staring into nothing; he looked like he barely even noticed Solitude and Babbitt snuggled up against him.

“Nick, hey? Are you okay?” Violet asked, scooting closer to him.

He didn’t respond, so Solitude crawled onto his lap, staring up at him with concern. “Nick? Nick! It’s Soli! We’re safe!”

He still didn’t say anything, but he did shake slightly as Babbitt jumped off of his shoulder to explore the truck. He flinched as Klaus stepped closer to him, sharply turning towards his twin as he knelt in front of him.

“Nick.” Klaus said, eyes welling with tears, as Lilac also moved closer, her face paling quite a bit. “Nick, what did they do to you?”

Nick just stared at him. He didn’t even move.

Klaus stared back, and then his gaze hardened, and his siblings had never seen him look so furious.

“I’m going to kill them.” Klaus vowed, and he meant it. “I’m going to kill them, Nick.”

Nick’s eyes widened, and for several seconds, he looked like he physically could not process what his brother had just said.

And then he started to cry.

Klaus held out his arms, and Nick picked up Solitude and buried his head in his brother’s chest, sobbing as his brother hugged him as tight as he could. Violet and Lilac raced forwards, and soon they were all embracing and sobbing and refusing to let go.


	21. in which Nick is not feeling great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> First off, I'd like to thank you guys for enjoying this story so much! I haven't had authors' notes in a while bc I've been busy with online classes, but I love all of your reactions/comments/theories! You guys are the best!
> 
> Unfortunately, I do have an important trigger warning for this chapter. While it is not described in any sort of detail, there is heavy implication of past physical abuse that I feel you should be warned about. It's a bit important to the story, and, again, it is not described in detail, but if you'd like to skip it, the implications happen in the section of the chapter where Klaus is waiting outside the bathroom, so you can just skip to when the girls are using the telegraph machine if you wish. 
> 
> Once again, thank you all for reading this story! Love ya! 
> 
> ~ Midas

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE**

_in which Nick is not feeling great_

 

The truck ran out of gas, thankfully, several feet from a gas station.

“Last Chance General Store.” Lilac read. She turned to her siblings, pushing a messy braid behind her ear; she’d have to re-do her hair.

Violet was half-asleep, having only just woken up from the drive. She was yawning and gathering all of the scraps from the Quagmires’ commonplace books into two separate piles, based on which Quagmire she thought made which page, to fold up and put into her pockets. Sunny was still crawling to the back of the truck, having just bitten through the wires she’d strapped to her legs; she and Soli had taken turns driving. Meanwhile, Klaus was leaning against the wall, with Nick leaning onto his shoulder, curled up so he could be as close to his brother as possible. He had his eyes shut, but Lilac knew he wasn’t asleep; she didn’t think he’d slept at all. He kept adjusting himself so that Klaus’s arm around him didn’t slip, and he kept reaching out his hand to touch Solitude, who was currently sleeping beside him, Babbitt only a few feet away. But he clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk, so none of them tried- although it was incredibly worrying that he’d barely said more than a few words since they’d left the village.

“We can look for gas there.” Lilac said. “And get washed up in the bathroom. Is there any money in here?” Violet shook her head; she’d been the one to go through the truck to see what supplies they had.

Klaus slowly sat up, and as he moved, Nick bolted upright, breaking away from his twin’s arm, shaking slightly as he hugged his knees and looked around, as if only having just woken up.

“Whoa, Nick!” Klaus said, putting his hands on his brother’s shoulders, while Solitude started to wake. “Nick, hey. Hey, we’re stopping for gas. We’re gonna go inside for a bit, that okay?”

Nick bit his lip, and then nodded and said, “I-I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be sorry.” Klaus said. “Don’t be. Li, how long will we be in there?”

“I don’t know.” Lilac admitted. “But we’re sticking together, okay?”

They nodded, and Solitude rubbed her eyes and said, “Sweater.”

“Oh! Yeah!” Klaus nodded. He grabbed his jacket off the floor and reached into the pockets, pulling out the carefully folded (and slightly wrinkled) clothes. “Nick, I brought your clothes. Since I know you hate the suit.”

Nick’s eyes widened, and he slowly took the clothes, staring down at them as if he couldn’t believe they existed. He hugged them to his chest, and Violet said, “I’m sure there’ll be a bathroom in there. You can get changed. That outfit must be filthy, huh?”

Their brother didn’t say anything, but he did nod, and Lilac said, “Let’s get moving. Klaus, take Soli; Violet, take Sunny.”

“No!” Solitude said, clinging to Nick’s arm. “Stay with Nick!”

“Soli,” Lilac said carefully, “Nick needs to carry his clothes in and get changed. He won’t be far.”

Hesitantly, Solitude grumbled and pulled away, and Babbitt leapt into her pocket.

“Now,” Lilac said, “Let’s just hope the gas is easy to steal.”

 

There was no gas available; the machines were all out of order.

“Son of a bitch.” Violet muttered.

“We can try to walk.” Klaus said hesitantly, pretending not to notice how hard Nick was gripping onto his arm.

“We’d die of thirst or exposure.” Lilac said.

“Or Count Olaf.” said Solitude.

Then Sunny cried, “Shit!” and her siblings ran over towards her to see what she was looking at. She was staring at several copies of _The Daily Punctilio_ on a newspaper stand, on which their photos were printed under the headline, _Murderers!_

“Well, let’s just hope whoever’s inside the station hasn’t read the paper.” Lilac said nervously.

“If they have?” Klaus asked.

“Then we’ll deal with it.” Lilac said. “Come on, let’s see if there’s a telegraph machine. We could send a message.”

“To _who?”_ Violet asked.

Lilac considered. “Mr Poe doesn’t normally believe us, but if we send him a telegram, maybe he’ll at least pass it along to his wife. She runs the _Daily Punctilio,_ at the very least she could publish our letter and we could win some people over to our side.”

“They didn’t even get our names right.” Klaus said, glancing at the paper. “Look! Lily, Veronica, Newt, Klyde, Sophie and Susie Baudelaire.”

“Well, at least we don’t have to come up with fake names.” Violet said. “Let’s just… go inside, and see what we can do from there.”

They nodded, and Lilac held the door open for them. A bell rang, and a man called, “Is that you, Lou?”

The siblings hesitated, sending each other panicked looks, and then Violet said, “No?”

“Be right with you! I’m stacking day-old pastries.” The children all entered, and turned to see a man climb out from behind a desk.

“We were hoping to send a telegram.” Lilac said.

“See the porcelain kittens there?” said the storekeeper.

“Yes.” Klaus nodded.

“It’s not that aisle.” the man said. “Turn right at the brooms, left at the fishing poles.” He paused. “You look familiar. Have I seen you kids before?”

The siblings glanced at each other in terror, and then Klaus said, “We’re child actors.”

“Naw, that’s not it.” said the man. “Oh, well. It’ll come to me.”

Lilac gave him a nervous nod and gestured for her siblings to follow her. They raced down the aisle, and Violet said, “We need to hurry. That man recognized us.”

“Okay.” Lilac said, reaching the telegraph machine. “I’ll detail the message. Violet, you know how to use one of these?”

“No.” said Violet.

“Okay. I’ll use it, you think of the message. Sunny- or Soli, whichever- listen with these headphones to make sure the signal’s going through.” Lilac said, grabbing some headphones off of the side of the machine. Sunny took them, giggling. “Okay, Klaus-”

“Why don’t I help Nick find the bathroom to get changed?” Klaus said quietly. “And I can wait outside for him.”

Lilac flinched. “I really don’t want to split up.” Nick and Soli nodded at that.

“It’ll just be a little bit.” Violet stood on her tiptoes. “Look, bathroom sign’s only… well, it’s against the far wall, but they won’t be _that_ far away.”

Lilac sighed. “If anything goes wrong, Klaus, take Nick and run.”

“Wait, Li…” Nick paused. “Can I… can I talk to you?”

“Of course.” Lilac said softly.

Nick glanced from Klaus to Violet to the toddlers. “Alone?”

“Hey, whatever you have to say,” Violet said, “You can say it to all of us. We’re not going to judge you.”

“It’s just…” Nick glanced at Lilac. “I just… need to tell her first.”

Violet flinched. “Why?”

Nick didn’t respond, and Lilac said, “Why don’t you go get changed first, okay? Then we’ll talk about it.”

Nick nodded, and Klaus gripped his hand tighter. “Come on, bud. We’ll be right back.” The twins moved quickly, then, hoping to be in and out as soon as possible.

“Alright, now remember,” Violet said, turning back to Lilac, “The end of a sentence is ‘STOP,’ so when I say-”

“I know how telegrams work, dipshit.” Lilac snapped. “Hurry it up so we can get this sent and hopefully get some form of reply.”

 

Klaus sat outside the bathroom door, bouncing his leg and glancing from side to side. He couldn’t help it, he was incredibly nervous. If that shopkeeper found out they were accused of murder… well, adults didn’t tend to believe them when they tried to tell the truth. There was also the fact that Nick wasn’t within his line of sight; true, he was only a few feet away, just behind the door, but still… Klaus kept worrying that if he blinked, or moved away for a moment…

“Hey, Nick?” he called. “You’ve been in there a while. Do you need help with anything?”

Nick didn’t answer, and Klaus immediately leapt to his feet and cracked open the door. “Nick?”

When Nick still didn’t respond, Klaus slowly slipped in. It was a single stall bathroom, so he had no trouble spotting Nick huddled in the corner, hugging his knees and shaking uncontrollably.

“Nick!” Klaus let the door slam behind him as he raced up to his brother, kneeling in front of him, not sure what he should do. “What happened? Are you okay?” His brother hadn’t even completely finished changing; his suit was on the floor across the room, and he had his shirt and sweater still folded beside him. “What happened? Nick!”

Nick looked up at Klaus, and said, “I-I…” he shut his eyes. “I thought I heard… no, no, I must’ve… I thought I heard _her_ , but… I had to… she wouldn’t… have found us this fast…”

“Her?” Klaus asked. “Esme?” Nick flinched, shutting his eyes tight, and Klaus looked up; there was a small window at the top of the bathroom, the blinds flapping in the breeze, probably just to let air in. It _could_ carry sound from outside, but… no need to scare Nick at the moment.

“She’s not here.” Klaus promised. “And if Olaf’s troupe does get here, I’ll protect you, okay?” Nick nodded a little, moving to scratch his arm. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Here.” Klaus picked up Nick’s sweater. “Get your stupid shirt on. If you don’t wanna wear the sweater, cause of the heat, that’s okay, I can carry it.”

“I’ll wear it.” Nick said. But as he reached to grab his clothes from Klaus, his brother jumped back. Nick’s eyes widened as he realized why, and he began, “It’s fine, just-”

Klaus put a hand out to stop him. Then he slowly moved it to Nick’s shoulder. “This bruise looks bad.” he whispered.

“It’s fine.” Nick said quickly.

“Nick, is that a scar? Is that from-”

“Just- just- just give me my shirt, okay?”

Klaus moved a little, and then his eyes widened. “Nick, holy shit, your _back-”_

“It doesn’t even hurt anymore!” Nick said, and he ripped his shirt and sweater away from Klaus. “D-don’t… you don’t need to worry about it.”

“Nick-”

“You’re worrying about me enough.” Nick’s voice broke, and he glanced away as he threw on his shirt. “I… I shouldn’t…”

“Nick, hey, it’s okay.” Klaus said. “We-”

Nick threw on his sweater and stared hard at the ground, trying to hide his tears from Klaus. It didn’t work. “I shouldn’t… you… we have enough things to…” Nick turned back to Klaus, and froze when he saw that he was crying, too.

“I’m _sorry.”_ Klaus said. “I’m sorry, we… we should’ve found you sooner, we should’ve protected you better…”

Nick shook his head. “No. I should’ve… I should’ve… found a way out, this is my fault…”

“No!” Klaus threw his arms around his brother, pulling him into a tight hug. “No! This is not your fault! Don’t you _ever_ think that!”

“It is!” Nick cried, and Klaus realized just how hoarse his voice sounded. Like he’d been screaming too much. “It’s my f-fault, I… I should’ve… you shouldn’t be… I’m scaring all of you and I… I don’t know what’s _wrong_ with me…”

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.” Klaus said, hugging his brother. “I promise, they’ll never hurt you again. I won’t let them.”

“You…” Nick suddenly retreated from Klaus, eyes wide.

“Nick-” Klaus began.

Nick quickly waved his hands to shut him up, and then Klaus heard a quiet conversation, from outside the window.

“And when I was fourteen, I was crowned False Spring Queen.” came an eerily familiar voice. “We had this ceremony with my Snow Scout troupe at the top of a mountain, they did a dance around a pole-”

“Oh no.” Klaus said, and he instantly grabbed Nick, trying to haul him to his feet. Nick shook his head, retreating back into the wall. “Nick! We have to go!”

“They’re out there.” Nick whispered, starting to shake again. “We have to hide, Klaus, they’re out there, they’re going to catch us-”

“Not if we run.” Klaus said. “Not if we fight. I promise, Nick-”

Then Nick’s eyes went wide. “Oh no.” he said. “No, no, no…”

“What?”

Nick looked at Klaus with a face of pure terror. “The girls are outside.”

 

“The next day he was found murdered, and Count Olaf arrived in town with his troupe and Esme Squalor STOP.” Violet said. “As part of his plan to steal the fortune our parents left behind, Count Olaf disguised himself as a detective and convinced the town of VFD that we were the murderers STOP.”

“Uckner,” added Sunny, which meant, _“Meanwhile we discovered where the Quagmire triplets and Nick were being hidden, and helped them escape STOP. The Quagmires managed to give us a few scraps of their notebooks so we could try to learn the real meaning of VFD STOP.”_

“We have managed to flee from the citizens of the town, who want to burn us at the stake for a murder that we did not commit STOP.” Violet continued. “Please reply at once STOP. We are in grave danger STOP.”

Lilac typed the last sentence, and then said, as she finished everything, “We are in grave danger.”

“That’s what I said.” Violet said.

“I know but…” Lilac sighed. “It just seems unreal.”

Solitude moved over to her oldest sister, hugging her leg. “I’s okay.” she said. “We’re together now.”

“We _are,_ but-” Lilac began.

And then Violet turned and said, “Stop.”

“I wasn’t typing-”

_“Stop!”_

Lilac turned around, and froze over.

Standing at the other end of the aisle, Count Olaf gave them a wicked grin. “Hello, hello, hello.”

Lilac wasted no time; she immediately picked up Sunny and shouted, _“Run!”_

Violet grabbed Solitude, who shoved Babbitt into her pocket as they took off. Lilac grabbed Violet’s free hand and turned them down a bend, before doubling back down the aisle. “We need to find the boys!” she said quickly. “And get the hell out of here!”

“Or we could stab him!”

“Do _you_ have a knife on you?”

“...no.”

Lilac turned a left, and let out a scream, pushing Violet back. She’d almost run headfirst into the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender, who gave the girls a very surprised look. Before they could say anything other than, “Oh, hi!” Lilac dragged her sisters away, down another aisle, closer to the front desk.

“Sir!” Violet called. “Sir, we need help-”

They slid to a stop again when they saw the shopkeeper talking to none other than the Bald Man. He simply turned and pointed to them, not even looking surprised, and said, “There, see? Those are the murderer children from the paper.”

“Not murderers!” Solitude shouted, clinging to Violet’s overalls.

“And it’s about time we leave!” Lilac said, pushing Violet down another aisle. “Thanks for the telegraph machine!”

“Hey!” the shopkeeper shouted, but the girls did not look back.

 

Klaus edged out of the bathroom, saying, “Nick, stay here. I’ll be back for you once I-”

“No! No, don’t leave!” Nick shouted, leaping forwards and grabbing Klaus’s arm.

Klaus froze a moment, shocked, and then he nodded and took off running, his brother at his heels.

“Violet! Lilac!” Klaus shouted. “Girls, we need to go!”

He turned towards the back door, and stopped dead in his tracks.

“What’s the rush?” said Olaf, looking up from a stack of barrels that was effectively blocking the boys from the door.

Nick completely froze over, and Klaus threw himself in front of his brother. “Come any closer to him and I’ll kill you myself!”

“There’s no need to be rude, Klaus.” Olaf said, stepping closer. “After all, soon enough the police will be on their way to arrest the Baudelaire murderers, and you’ll be back in prison. Or you could come with me-”

“Never!” Klaus pushed Nick farther, incredibly terrified by just how quiet his brother was.

Olaf looked past Klaus, locking eyes with Nick, who was trying very hard not to shake. “Long time, no see.”

“Stay away from us!” Klaus said, as Nick averted his gaze to the floor and gripped harder onto him.

Olaf raised his eyebrow. “Tell me, Nick, did you tell them everything you learned yet?”

“Go away.” Klaus shouted. “Piss off!”

“Tell me,” Olaf said, once again stepping forwards, “Do they know what happened to you? What you know?”

“Go _away.”_ Klaus shouted again, and Nick backed up, dragging his twin with him.

“Did you tell your dear older sister-” Olaf’s taunt was cut short, however, when a frog flew out from behind the boys and landed square in the middle of his face.

“Bullseye!” cheered Solitude.

Lilac raced forwards and grabbed Nick’s arm. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“Go!” Klaus shouted, pushing his siblings into a run.

As soon as they started running, Lilac said, “Front door’s blocked!”

“Klaus!” Violet glanced behind her. “Are there any windows?”

“Uh, one in the bathroom. Too high to reach-”

Violet didn’t listen; she just grabbed her ribbon and tied her hair as she ran, gesturing for her siblings to follow her towards the bathroom. She leaned onto the door, knocking it open, and pushed everyone inside before locking the door. She ran to the window, and then said, “No, we can make it. Lilac, I’ll stand on your shoulders, like at the fountain, and then we can pass the others up. Then one of us’ll go and lift the other up.”

“Sounds good.” Lilac said. “Boys, hold the girls a second, then pass them up to the window.”

“We can’t!” Nick said, grabbing Klaus’s arm. “They’re outside!”

“And Olaf is inside.” Klaus said. “Don’t worry, bud, we’ll go out fast so we make sure nothing happens.”

“Nothing is going to happen.” Violet promised. “Girls, you go up first. Soli, if anything happens, throw Babbitt again.”

“Gotcha.” Solitude nodded, picking up her frog, which had thankfully managed to follow them this far.

Violet climbed onto Lilac’s shoulders, lifting up Solitude with her. Soli climbed out of the window, and then let out a cry that signalled an all-clear. Sunny went out next, muttering something about how she’d prefer to murder Olaf herself, and then Violet helped Klaus climb out. Once he’d made it, she said, “Nick, can you… do you need help?”

Nick was still hugging himself, but he bit his lip and said, “I… I’ll make it.”

“If you-”

Nick moved forwards and climbed up Lilac and Violet, pulling himself out of the window. As soon as he was out, he hugged himself again and leaned against the wall, keeping his eyes shut, as if he could wish himself away.

“You want to go up next?” Violet asked.

Lilac shook her head. “You first.”

Violet crawled out of the window, and then reached out her hands, dragging Lilac up the rest of the way. As soon as she was out, Lilac said, “Is everyone here?”

“We should probably hurry.” Klaus said. They followed his gaze, to see a familiar long black car parked only a few feet away.

“Shit.” Lilac muttered, and she hoisted Nick to his feet and dragged him in the opposite direction.

They ran to the back of the Last Chance, and as they reached it, Klaus pointed ahead. “Van!” he said.

They looked at the side of the van; it was decorated with the letters _VFD._

“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Klaus said.

“Into the mystery van!” Lilac said, pushing Nick forwards.

And so they ran forwards, and as they reached the van, the doors opened, and a bearded man peered out, smiling brightly.

“Hello, children!” he said. “Are you Volunteers?”

The Baudelaires glanced at each other, and then Lilac said, “Yes. Yes, definitely.”

“Well, then,” the man scooted back, “Welcome aboard, brothers and sisters!”


	22. in which the Baudelaires break into a Hospital

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

_ in which the Baudelaires break into a Hospital _

 

The van ride was very cramped. 

The siblings looked ahead at the group of people in the van. They all wore the same bright, colorful clothes, and they all had the same fixed smile on their faces. They were also all holding bundles of heart-shaped balloons. 

“So.” Violet said, after they had driven a while, “Are you VFD?” 

“That we are.” said the bearded man who’d let them in. 

Sunny glanced sideways at a balloon, and said, “Huhun,” which meant,  _ “I don’t think this is the right VFD.”  _

“Can you tell us what VFD stands for?” Klaus asked. 

“That we can.” the bearded man said, and with that, all the adults in the van started to sing. 

_ “We’re volunteers fighting disease, and we’re cheerful all day long! _

_ If someone said that we were sad, that person would be wrong!  _

_ Ho-ho-ho, fiddle-dee-dee, hope you get well soon!  _

_ Tra-ha-ha, fiddle-dee-dee, have a heart-shaped balloon!”  _

The siblings stared very hard, and then Solitude turned to Sunny and said, “You’re right.” 

“Well, thank you for picking us up.” Lilac said. “We’re looking for a VFD, but we’re not sure you’re the right one.” 

“Well then,” the bearded man said, “You sound like you need the Library of Records.” 

“It’s this big room in the hospital with files from everywhere!” a woman said. “It’s got answers to any question you could possibly have. Or so we’ve heard, we’ve never been there ourselves. Too boring.” 

“Well, that sounds like what we’re looking for.” Klaus said. “Thank you.” 

“We’re always willing to help out brothers and sisters in need.” a woman said. 

“Especially because there are dangerous murderers around.” said a man. 

The Baudelaires flinched, and Nick buried his face into Lilac’s shoulder. Lilac said, “Where did you hear that?” 

“Apparently it’s in the papers.” said a woman with short hair. 

“Well,” Klaus said cautiously, “You can’t believe everything you read in the papers.” 

“Oh,” laughed the Bearded Man, “We don’t read the papers. It’s too depressing! We always say, ‘No news is good news!’” 

The children gave each other very skeptical looks. “Alright then.” Violet said. “Where are we going?” 

“We’re going to Heimlich Hospital to sing to the patients and give them balloons!” said the bearded man. “As you know, laughter is the best medicine.” 

“I’m pretty sure medicine is the best medicine.” Violet said. 

“Vaccinations.” Sunny said. 

Quickly, Lilac said, “But we do love balloons! Don’t we?” 

Nick just buried his head more into her shoulder and whispered, “Li? I want to go.” 

Klaus put an arm around his twin, while Solitude put a comforting hand on his leg. Quietly, Violet asked, “Um. Are we almost there?” 

“Should be only a few minutes!” called the driver. 

“Okay.” Lilac nodded, and she squeezed Nick’s hand. Sunny crawled across her lap to give him as big a hug as she could. 

When the van finally stopped and the doors slid open, the Volunteers took their balloons and started singing again, skipping out. Solitude clung to Nick until he picked her up, and Klaus lifted up Sunny, and the Baudelaires hastily followed the group, all knowing very quickly that they should blend in as much as possible, in case  _ The Daily Punctilio _ had managed to reach this far. 

The hospital, up ahead, looked very large and very gray. Beside it, though, there seemed to be a lot of construction going on. “They must be building a new wing.” Violet said, reaching for her ribbon. “I wonder what they’re adding.” 

“We can find out later.” Lilac muttered. “What we should do, once we go in, is find the Library of Records.” 

“I’ve always hated hospitals.” Klaus said quietly. 

“Dimidium,” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “Well, it’s only half a hospital.”  _

“That doesn’t make it better.” Klaus said. 

Then Nick said, again, “Li, I want to go.” 

“We’re going to the library of records.” Lilac said softly. “We’ll get some answers, okay?” 

Nick shook his head. “I don’t like these people. I want to go.” 

“Babbitt help?” Solitude asked, reaching into her pocket and pulling out her frog, gently placing them onto Nick’s shoulder. 

“I…” Nick paused, not sure what to say. 

They entered the hospital, then, with a woman holding open the door for them. The bearded man checked them in, and as the Volunteers skipped down the hall, singing, Violet managed to spot a map directory. 

“Library of Records is pretty close.” she said, tracing their path with her finger. “Should be easy enough to find.” 

“I want to go.” Nick repeated again. 

“We won’t follow the Volunteers, don’t worry.” Klaus said. “We’ll keep you safe.” 

Nick bit his lip, but nodded, and Solitude and Babbitt both leaned up against him as they started to walk. Violet managed to remember the route, taking them down a couple halls as she tied back her hair and muttered under her breath about how they should be getting close and why were hospitals so cold and they really should find what they needed and then hotwire a car. 

When they finally turned a bend and saw two double doors up ahead, with a sign off to the side that read  _ Library of Records,  _ Violet raced up to the door and tried the handle. “It’s locked.” she said. 

“I can try to pick it.” Lilac said, starting to tie her hair back. 

Violet shook her head, kneeling by the locks. “These aren’t ordinary enough pin-tumbler locks. You wouldn’t be able to get them with a regular lockpick.” She stood up and stretched her arms as Lilac also inspected the locks, finding she was right, and then she added, “We’ll just have to make a flamethrower.” 

“You are  _ not _ making a flamethrower.” Lilac said. “Maybe Sunny could bite her way in. Like she did to the closet door.” 

“Please don’t remind us of that.” Klaus said, while Sunny giggled and clapped. 

“We could kick down the door.” Lilac suggested. Then, she gave Nick a small smile. “Remember, Nick? When you were locked in the closet and wanted Mom to kick down the door?” 

Violet put a hand over her necklace, while Nick just shrank back slightly. “Um…” he began. “Maybe… maybe we could just… ask…” 

“We’re murderers, Nick.” Solitude said. 

“Yeah, someone will recognize us eventually.” Violet said. 

At that moment, they heard a man turn around the corner, and he said, “Hello? Who is that there?” The Baudelaires turned to see a man coming near them, wearing very thick glasses and holding a ring of keys in his hands. “I’m sorry, my eyesight is not what it used to be.” 

The Baudelaires shared a look, and then Lilac said, “Let us help you, then.” 

“We’re volunteers.” Violet said, not noticing Nick flinch again. “For the Library of Records.” 

“Oh!” the man smiled. “Babs must’ve sent you, then. I really do need some assistance in here. You can call me Hal. What are your names?” 

They all looked to Lilac, who considered a moment, before remembering that the newspaper got their names wrong. “I’m Lilac.” she said, as Hal moved past them and put the keys into the lock. “These are my siblings, Violet, Nick, Klaus, Solitude and Sunny.” 

“And Babbitt!” Solitude cheered, as the frog hopped back into her pocket.

“Yes, and Solitude’s pet frog.” Lilac said. “Their name is Babbitt.” 

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you.” Hal said, holding open the door. “Welcome to the Library of Records.” 

The children stepped inside a large, white room, completely filled with several aisles of tall, metal filing cabinets. The middle of the room held a chute, over which was a large cart.  

“Paperwork is what makes the world go around, don’t you think?” Hal said. 

“Um, sure.” Klaus said. “But all these files must be interesting, aren’t they?” 

“Oh, I wouldn’t know.” Hal said. “We’re not supposed to read information, just file it. I don’t want to see you touching a file unless you’re putting it away.” 

“Well,” Violet said, eyeing his thick glasses, “I’m sure you won’t  _ see _ us doing that.” 

“Are you the only one with keys to the library?” Lilac asked. 

“Oh, yes.” Hal nodded, not really paying attention. “So, here’s how it all works.” Hal said, leading the children towards the chute. “They send me down a file from the upper rooms- oh! There’s one now!” 

There was a rumbling noise from the chute, and Nick instantly backed up, holding Soli a lot tighter, eyes going wide. A file fell into the cart, and Hal picked it up, flipping through quickly. “You may glance at the file, but remember to read as little information as possible. For instance,” he flipped open the file, looked a moment, and then said, “I can see that this has something to do with weather last week at Damocles Dock. So I might file it under  _ D  _ for  _ Damocles,  _ or  _ W _ for  _ Weather,  _ or _ L  _ for  _ Last week.”  _

“How would someone know where to look to find that information?” Klaus asked. 

“I suppose they’d have to look in all three places.” Hal said. “And over there, against the wall, is the chute for sending information away. But you probably won’t use it, nobody ever requests information from the library.” 

Klaus looked like was ready to punch something, but instead he moved over to Nick, grabbing his arm in a comforting gesture; he was still staring at the chute, which was starting to rumble again. 

Out of the chute came a small cylinder; a video reel. Hal picked it up, glanced at the label, and said, “Oh! I know where to put this. I’ve been told exactly where to put files labelled  _ Snicket.  _ Hold on a moment, I’ll be right back.” 

He left, leaving the gaping siblings behind him. 

“Snicket?” Sunny asked. 

“We need the file.” Solitude said. “Nick, throw me.” 

“No, no, don’t throw her.” Klaus said, knowing that this was something Nick was likely to actually do. “We’ll just ask him how to get it.” 

“We’re not supposed to  _ read  _ here, Klaus.” Violet said, crossing her arms. 

“Well, technically,” Lilac said, “It’s a video, so we won’t be reading anything.” 

“God, I hope that counts.” Klaus said. 

“Do you think that’ll have the information we need?” Violet asked. 

Nick flinched again, and then he said, “Um-” 

Hal returned, and Lilac quickly said, “Hal, we need to check out a file from the library. It’s  _ very _ important. How would we go about that?” 

“Very important?” Hal said. “Well, if I suppose it’s that important, there’s some paperwork you can go through. It may take a few business days, but seeing as you’ll be staying here-” 

“Yes. Staying here.” Violet nodded. 

“Can we start filing the paperwork?” Lilac asked. 

Before Hal could answer, there was a buzz, and then a very cold, very familiar voice came over the speaker. 

“Attention, everyone. This is Dr Mattathias Medicalschool, and I will be replacing your former administrator, Babs, as she recently took to skydiving off of roofs.” 

Nick let out a sharp cry, his eyes going wide, and Klaus immediately grabbed his arm and pulled him closer. Lilac immediately gripped onto Violet, and Sunny let out a growl. “Oh, that’s surprising.” Hal said absentmindedly. “Babs always preferred to be heard and not seen, and I believe skydiving requires a lot of oversight.” 

“Hal-” Violet began, as Solitude grabbed onto Babbitt. 

“Now, everyone be on the lookout for those suspicious murderers.” said the voice, which they all knew immediately was none other than Count Olaf. “And due to budget cuts, the cafeteria will be closing in fifteen minutes, the giftshop in ten, and the Library of Records immediately.” 

The lights shut off, and Hal said, “Oh, well, I suppose we can do that filing tomorrow.” 

“Oh, it’s… it’s  _ real _ important, Hal-” Lilac protested. 

“We can’t disobey the rules, Lilac!” Hal said. “Nobody’s allowed in the library after closing. In fact, we should leave now. I’ll see you all in the morning, alright?” 

The Baudelaires sighed. “Alright, Hal.” Lilac said. “Come on, everyone.” 

She grabbed Violet’s hand, dragging her off, and everyone soon followed. Nick stopped at the edge of the door, though, looking towards the filing cabinets. There was so much information in here, information nobody knew. 

Maybe that was a good thing. 


	23. in which Solitude steals some shit

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE**

_ in which the Solitude steals some shit _

 

The second Hal left them in the hall, Violet said, “So. Where the hell are we going to sleep?” 

“Hospital could be searched at any time.” Lilac said nervously. “Olaf is here, that means any of his goons could be here, too.” 

“Please don’t…” Nick began, backing up slightly. 

“We could sleep outside in the unfinished wing.” Klaus suggested. “I doubt anyone will check there.” 

“It might be a bit cold,” Lilac said, “But we can probably manage, right?” 

Violet glanced sideways at Nick. “Yeah. Like that time we snuck outside during winter. Remember? We got locked outside after the window shut so we just slept in the old treehouse.” 

Nick just stared at her blankly. 

“You know?” Violet prodded. “We didn’t have blankets so we just huddled on top of each other? And it was snowing and you said we were gonna wake up under piles of snow and have to eat our way out or suffocate?” 

Nick still didn’t respond, and Violet’s voice broke. “You have to remember. You couldn’t have been younger than… six or seven. Mother and Father were  _ so _ mad, when they found us I thought they were going to  _ explode…  _ but you weren’t even upset, I cried but you just said you’d… you’d heard some kind of animal cry, and you thought it might need help, and I was the only one awake to help you… they got even madder, told you you should’ve stayed with them, but you didn’t see  _ anything _ wrong, and… Nick,  _ please _ tell me you remember that…” 

Nick watched as she began to cry, looking like he was about to fall apart himself, his eyes going very wide and his grip on Solitude tightening. And carefully, he said, “I remember a lot of things.” 

“But that? Tell me you remember that.” 

Nick hesitated. “I… I remember cold.” He shut his eyes. “I… Mom and Dad really were mad?” 

“Nick…” Violet began. 

They heard a low buzz, and once again, Olaf’s voice came over the intercom. “New announcement. All hospital beds will be searched until the Baudelaire Murderers are found. Also, please bring all your valuables to the front office.” 

Violet bit her lip and wiped her face on her sleeve, and then Lilac grabbed her hand and said, “Let’s go before someone finds us.” 

 

The Baudelaires sat on the dirt-and-dust-covered ground of the unfinished wing, and Lilac carefully said, “Let’s spread out the Quagmires’ notes. See what we can find.” 

Violet carefully pulled the scraps from her pocket, spreading them out in front of her, while Klaus turned to Nick. “Did they tell you anything?” he asked. “While you were… with them? About VFD, or this whole ‘Snicket’ thing, or Olaf?” 

Nick didn’t look anyone in the eye. “There wasn’t… much time to chat. I only… Lilac, can we talk?” 

Lilac glanced towards him, putting a soft hand over his. “Nick, really. They’re not going to judge you.” 

Nick pulled away, scratching at his arm, “That’s not…” He trailed off, and then curled up and buried his head in his knees. Solitude leaned against him, looking about ready to cry, and Babbitt leapt onto his knee and chirped a little. 

“Nick-” Klaus began, but Nick just shook his head. Klaus bit his lip, and then turned back to the Quagmires’ notes. 

“Well…” Lilac said sadly. “Wh-what’ve we got?” 

“Not much.” Klaus said. “Most of it is torn or ripped.” 

“We’ve got some scattered notes, codes or poems that don’t seem to make sense.” Violet said. “Like this one- it just seems to be a map of Esme’s penthouse.” 

Solitude leaned forwards and picked up a piece of paper, passing it to Violet. “What’s this?” 

“It’s one of Isadora’s poems.” Violet said, and she read it aloud.  _ “In photographs, and in each public place / Snicket rarely shows his face.  _ Now what’s that mean?” 

As Klaus picked up another paper, Nick curled up some more and let out what sounded like a muffled cry, and Babbitt jumped onto his shoulder. “This one,” Klaus said, “Is Duncan’s, and it says, ‘Jacques Snicket worked for VFD - Volunteer-’ and then it’s ripped.” 

“This page isn’t ripped,” Violet said, “But it has a long list of dates. It seems to be about every twelve weeks. I can’t understand any of it.” 

Lilac picked up a paper, and stared very sadly at it. “This one just says ‘fire.’” 

They all gave her sympathetic looks, and then Violet picked up another page. “This one just has drawings of the Eye, over and over.” 

“This one,” Klaus said, “Looks like it’s written in code, or else gibberish. I can’t make heads or tails of it.” 

“This one’s just a rough sketch of the spyglass.” Lilac said. “You still have that, right?” 

Klaus nodded, gesturing to his pocket. 

Sunny pointed at one paper. “Rabave?” she asked. 

“This page just has two names on it.” Klaus said, picking it up. “One of them is Al Funcoot.”  

“Wasn’t that the guy who wrote the marriage play?” Lilac asked, shuddering. 

“I think so, yeah,” Klaus said, “Though I can’t remember hearing his name before then. The other name is ‘Ana Gram’, but I have no idea who that could be.” 

“Maybe henchperson?” Solitude asked, holding out her hands as Babbitt jumped back to her. 

“It could be.” Violet said. 

And then, quietly, they heard, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” 

The Baudelaires looked up in surprise, to see Nick staring at Klaus with complete incredulity. “Ana Gram?” he said, looking so disappointed. _“Ana Gram?_ Really, Klaus? What kind of a fucking researcher are you? _Ana Gram, must be a name-_ son of a bitch, in your thirteen goddamn years of living, you have never _once_ come across an anagram? Letters mixed up to make a new word? Are you that fucking dumb? How the fuck are we even related?” 

There was silence for a good, long moment, and then Klaus broke into a grin. 

“Well,” Klaus said, wiping tears from his face, “It’s… it’s good to see you’re back.” 

Nick paused, and then smiled a little as Sunny and Solitude rushed over to hug him. “I mean…” he shrugged, still flinching slightly when his sisters hugged him a bit too tight, “If anything was gonna get my attention, it was your pure dumbassery.” 

Lilac beamed, also starting to cry a little, and she moved over to put an arm around Nick. Violet smiled a little, glancing between her brothers. Then she started gathering up the papers again and said, “In… in any case, these papers aren’t going to- to tell us what we need to know.” 

“We could try to get into the library again.” Lilac said, holding Nick very close. 

Violet shook her head. “Hal won’t let us in until tomorrow.” 

“Break in.” said Sunny. 

“We can’t pick the lock,” Violet turned to glare at Lilac, “And  _ someone _ won’t let me make a flamethrower.” 

“And Hal’s the only one who has keys.” Klaus said. 

Soli shrugged, and Sunny said simply, “Steal keys.” 

“Sunny,” Lilac said, “That’s morally wrong. Hal trusts us, and we… we shouldn’t just  _ steal _ from him.” 

“But we need that Snicket file.” Violet said. 

Lilac shook her head. “No. We can do this without theft.” 

“We already broke out of jail.” Solitude pointed out. “That’s a crime.” 

“We were innocent, it’s not like we’re actually criminals.” Lilac protested. 

“I…” Klaus considered. “I think I’m with them. We have to know.” 

Lilac shook her head. “We’re not just going to steal from Hal. What would Mom and Dad think?” 

Nick looked sharply up at her and said, “Mom stole from Esme. She wouldn’t give a  _ shit.”  _

They fell silent, eyes wide, and then Nick clammed up again, curling up and trying not to look at anyone. 

“Nick-” Lilac began. 

At that, they heard a door open, and they jumped, looking up to see Hal coming out of the hospital, with a tray in his hands. 

“Well,” Violet said. “That settles it.” 

Lilac bit her lip. “I…” 

Sunny and Solitude got up and raced off towards the side of the construction area, where some supplies were located. Lilac jumped up to follow them, and Violet and Klaus got up to run towards Hal. 

“Hello, Hal!” Violet said nervously. “What are you doing all the way out here?” 

“Well, I was looking for you throughout the hospital, until I realized you might be out here, observing the construction.” Hal said. “And I thought I’d bring you dinner. I made you some chicken soup from an old family recipe. Just the thing for a night like this.” 

Violet and Klaus shared a glance as Hal carefully sat down, and Violet carefully moved over to Nick to get him to scoot closer. Klaus glanced over at the other girls, seeing that the toddlers were stringing bolts onto a wire to make an imitation ring of keys. 

“That’s very kind of you.” Klaus said awkwardly. 

Violet and Nick came back over, as did Lilac, very nervously shepherding the toddlers, who were holding hands as Solitude held her fake ring behind her back. 

“Hello, Hal.” Lilac said, trying not to sound guilty. “Thank you for bringing that, you really didn’t have to.” 

“It’s truly fine.” Hal said, placing the tray in the middle of the circle of children  ahead of him, smiling as they took bowls. “My parents used to make this for me on cold nights.” 

Quietly, Violet said, “Our Father used to make us soup, too. But he was never great at it, so we usually just ended up having cake.” 

“That sounds wonderful.” Hal chuckled. “Where are your parents now?” 

Everyone fell silent, until Nick said, “They’re dead.” 

“Well,” Hal said, “I am very sorry to hear that. I know you children must miss them very much.” 

“We do.” Violet said, holding back tears. 

“It must be very hard, being all on your own out here.” 

“We’re not really on our own.” Klaus said, putting a hand over Nick’s. “We’ve got each other.” 

Hal smiled very brightly. “That you do! And you’re very lucky for that.” 

“We are.” Lilac nodded. 

Babbitt jumped from Solitude’s shoulder and onto Hal’s, looking up at him curiously. Hal laughed. “Well! Is this your pet?” 

“That’s Babbitt, yes.” Klaus said guiltily. 

“Well, they are a very charming frog.” Hal said. “Are they a gift from your parents?” 

“From our uncle.” Lilac said. “He’s gone, too.” 

“It seems like you children have had quite the unfortunate life.” Hal said sadly, as Babbitt jumped back to the ground. “But I hope your luck will turn here.” 

“We hope so, too.” Violet said. 

“Tank you.” Sunny nodded at him. 

Solitude backed away from him, and said, “You’re very nice, Hal.” 

“Thank you, my dears.” Hal said. “But I’m afraid I must be going. We have a long day tomorrow.” 

“We’ll see you then.” Klaus sighed. 

Hal smiled at them one more time and then stood up and left. 

As soon as he’d gone back into the hospital, Solitude held up his keyring. “Got it.” she said. 

Lilac bit her lip. “Wanna tell me where you learned how to pickpocket?” 

“Nope!” 


	24. in which Violet makes a decision

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

_in which Violet makes a decision_

 

“Hurry it up.” Violet said. “What happens if they have security cameras?”

“Shut the hell up, I’m finding the right key.” Lilac said.

They were standing outside the library, everyone nervously glancing down the halls and fidgeting with their clothing. Nick kept scratching his arm, and Klaus played with the spyglass, and Solitude kept tossing Babbitt into the air and catching them. Sunny, meanwhile, intently watched Violet and Lilac work with the lock.

When Lilac finally found the right key, she swung the door open and said, “Okay, girls, pick someone to stick with.”

“Klaus!” Sunny said.

“Nick!” Solitude said.

“Alright, then,” Lilac said, “And everyone come on. Let’s check under _S_ for _Snicket_ first.”

They raced inside, trying to be careful and not run into any filing cabinets; it was still pretty dark, and they weren’t sure they wanted to risk finding and turning on the lights. After a while, Klaus tossed the spyglass to Violet, who flipped on the light from that so they could see a little. Nick stuck close to her, as Solitude leaned on his arm and stroked Babbitt, who’d fallen asleep.

Lilac found the right filing cabinet and opened it, flipping through. “No video.” she  said after a while.

 _“F_ for _Fire?”_ Klaus suggested.

They ran to the _F_ cabinets, and checked there. Nothing.

 _“J_ for _Jacques?”_ Violet asked.

They went to the _J_ s. Then, quietly, Nick said, “Can we go to the _L_ cabinets?”

“Why?” Lilac asked.

Nick glanced towards his siblings, and then away. “Just a guess.”

Lilac shrugged directed them to the _L_ s, and Nick flipped through one drawer, eyes narrowed. Then he shook his head. “Nothing here.”

“VFD.” Sunny said.

They all turned to her, and then raced to the _V_ cabinets. Lilac opened a drawer, flipped through, and then triumphantly held up a film reel.

“I think I saw a projector at the end of the cabinets.” Klaus said.

Nick paused. “I mean… we don’t have to- to watch it right away.”

“What?” Violet looked at him incredulously.

“I just…” Nick scratched his arm. “We don’t want to stay in this hospital too long. _He_ is here, and all his… his troupe, and… and everyone else is on the lookout for us, we don’t wanna get caught, and-”

“Nick, outside the hospital is miles of desert.” Violet said.

“It could be _days_ before we find another town.” Klaus said. “Let alone a projector we can use.”

“If this file has Jacques Snicket’s name on it,” Lilac said, “Maybe it could help us clear our names. At the very least, it could solve a couple mysteries.”

“I just…” Nick shut his eyes. “I don’t want to stay here.”

Solitude leaned onto him, sliding Babbitt securely into her pocket, and she said, “I’s okay. We’ll be gone soon.”

“We just need to see this video.” Violet said. “Then we can leave. We’ll hotwire a car- you’ve always wanted to do that.”

“It’s not that fun.” Nick shrugged.

Violet paused. “When did you hotwire a car?”

“Classical Literature camp was wild.” Klaus said.

Nick shook his head, and started to speak again, but Lilac just said, “Come on, let’s find out what’s here.”

She directed them towards the back of the room, weaving through aisles and muttering to herself, flipping the film in her hands. Violet kept close to her, shining the spyglass, and Klaus and Nick did their best to follow quickly. Klaus carefully put a hand on Nick’s arm, but he didn’t seem to notice.

They found the projector, already facing the wall, and as Violet got to work on it, tossing Klaus his spyglass back and tying back her hair, Nick walked over to Lilac, who was preparing the film. “Li, please,” he said, “Can we talk? Just outside, just the two of us, there’s something-”

“This is important, Nick,” Lilac said gently. “We can talk afterwards.”

“But…”

“Ready.” Violet said.

Lilac put the film into the projector, and Nick shouldered Solitude and stepped off to the side, looking very nervous as a video flickered to life in front of them.

Up ahead, they saw Jacques Snicket’s face; he seemed to be sitting behind some kind of desk.

They heard a voice behind the camera saying, “This is the debriefing of Jacques Snicket for the Snicket File. Mr Snicket, how’s your brother?”

“Dead or on the lam. Either way, he doesn’t mind.” Jacques said, looking much calmer than he had been when the Baudelaires saw him.

“That’s him?” Nick asked, his voice shaking quite a bit. Lilac nodded, keeping her gaze fixed on the screen.

“Mr Snicket,” said the other voice, “We’ll need you to lay out, in detail, everything about Count Olaf, the Opera Incident, the arson of the Royal Gardens, and the orphans.”

“Of course, I should start at the beginning.” Jacques said. “But before I do, I have an important update.” He paused, and then said, “It seems that there was a survivor of the fire.”

The Baudelaires all felt like their world had come crashing down.

“Did he say…?” Violet began.

“Did you say-” said the voice.

“I did.” Jacques nodded. “I managed to contact-”

Suddenly, a figure stepped in front of the film, and the siblings froze over in shock.

“I’m just wild about movies.” said Esme Squalor.

Lilac leaned forwards, shutting off the projector, and then she yelled, “Run!”

Klaus immediately grabbed Nick’s arm, dragging him down one aisle; Nick looked like he’d turned to stone, only barely managing to run along. Lilac and Violet took off in the other direction, and the Baudelaires raced through the aisles of filing cabinets, hearing the _click click click_ of Esme’s heels racing after them.

Klaus pulled Nick behind a row of cabinets, and he said, “Girls, you okay?”

Solitude and Sunny nervously nodded, clinging very tight to their brothers.

“Nick, are you-” Klaus began.

Nick started to shake, and he leaned against the cabinet, about to break into sobs, holding Soli to his chest, as if preparing to shield her. “She found us. She found us. I knew she would, I _knew_ she would, I have to go, I have to hide…”

“We’ll get out of here.” Klaus promised, grabbing Nick’s arm again. “But first- first you need to _move!”_

He ripped Nick away from the cabinet, just as it toppled down; the whole aisle had come falling, and Esme stood at the other end.

“Ah, there you are!” she said. “I was just looking for you! I believe you may have _something I want!”_

“Stay away from him!” Klaus shouted as Nick let out a terrified shriek, and he pushed his brother away, racing them down another aisle. They ran as fast as they could, and Sunny and Solitude both started to cry.

“Shh! Girls!” Klaus said, ducking them behind a cabinet. “Shh!”

Across the room, Violet and Lilac were running together. Lilac was trying to tie up her skirt as she raced down an aisle, with Violet close behind her, glancing over her shoulder.  

“Where are the others?” Violet asked.

“We’ll find them.” Lilac swore. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you scared?”

“I’m scared you won’t let me make a flamethrower and turn it on that bitch.”

“Not happening.”

Violet out a screech, pushing Lilac out of the way of another falling aisle of cabinets. They stared for a moment, and then Lilac called, _“Nick! Klaus!”_

“Wait!” Violet said, as they started to run. “The film!”

“We don’t need it!”

“We can go get it! It’s not far!”

“We _don’t-”_

“Lilac! _One of our parents might be alive!”_

Lilac inhaled sharply, turning back to Violet. They froze a moment, and then she nodded, and they ran back the way they’d come, trying to find a path that wouldn’t be in the way of Esme, who was calling now.

“Come on, children! We won’t hurt you! Not until we have your fortune!”

Lilac got to the projector and quickly made a grab for the film, cursing as she got it stuck.

“Come on, come on!” Violet said.

“I’m _trying,_ asshole!” Lilac retorted.

“You see, children,” Esme was calling, sounding like she was getting closer, “I’m looking for something in the hospital. Something that was _taken from me._ And if you _have it-”_

Lilac finally pulled the film out, stuffing it into Violet’s arms, and then she looked up. Her eyes widened, and she jumped on Violet, tackling her to the ground as something very sharp flew over their heads.

The girls looked up to see it land on a wall; it was Esme’s heel.

“Holy fuck!” Violet yelled, as Lilac hauled her to her feet. She turned around, to see Esme standing behind them, ripping off her other shoe. “You have _knife heels?_ Where do you even get those?”

“They’re actually not as hard to find as you’d think!” Esme said, racing after them. “Easier to find than you six, and it didn’t take long to follow your stupid Volunteer van!”

Lilac pushed Violet ahead as the second eldest Baudelaire shoved the film into her pocket, and they both sighed with relief when they saw Klaus dragging Nick out of an aisle, both of them holding toddlers.

“This way!” Lilac shouted, and the children ran together to the far wall, where the exit chute was located.

Lilac pulled it open and said, “Get in.”

“Where does it go?” Klaus asked, putting an arm around Nick, who was already sobbing and shaking like a leaf.

“I don’t know, but we need to get the _fuck_ out of here!” Lilac said. “In, _now!”_

Klaus hesitated, and then nodded, pushing Nick forwards. Violet and Lilac helped him in, as he clung to Solitude like she was the only thing keeping him alive. He slid back slightly to make room for Klaus and Sunny, as Violet said, “Okay, Li, you next.”

“No, you go.” Lilac said.

Before either of them could move, however, they heard Klaus scream, _“Look out!”_

They jumped to the side as filing cabinets came crashing down, landing square above the exit chute.

Lilac and Violet moved fast, trying to push aside the cabinet, but it held tight. There wasn’t room for either of them to squeeze through. “Li! Vi!” Nick shouted, terrified.

The oldest sisters shared a terrified look, and then they nodded at each other. “We’ll meet you outside.” Lilac said.

Violet took a breath, and then gave them a nervous smile. “See you soon.”

“Wait, no-” Klaus began.

Lilac shut the chute, and then grabbed Violet’s arm and dragged her off, just as Esme ran up, still wielding here stiletto heel. Lilac only barely managed to drag them down another aisle before they could get grabbed or stabbed, and the girls ran as fast as their legs could take them.

“We need to try for the door!” Lilac said.

Violet shook her head. “The henchpeople could be outside.”

“Do you have a better plan?”

“Windows?”

“There aren’t any windows in here!”

Lilac pulled Violet down again as another knife heel flew at their heads, and then she took her down another bend. Violet grabbed tighter onto Lilac’s arm, her legs starting to feel like lead. “Li?” she whispered.

“We’ll find something, there’s always something…”

“Li!”

Lilac suddenly pushed her behind an aisle, and they found themselves close to a wall. Lilac raced to a small, unassuming door, and she opened it, saying, “Broom closet. Hide in here.”

“We can both hide.” Violet said.

Lilac shook her head. “We won’t both fit, it’s not big enough. It’s an ordinary enough pin-tumbler lock, so I’ll give you my hairpins and lock you in. You can pick your way out once it’s safe.”

“No! I won’t leave you!”

“I’ll find another way out, I promise!”

“Li,” Violet had tears in her eyes, “You can’t let them take you. They take you, it’s over, they win. I can’t let them _hurt you!”_  

“I won’t get caught.” Lilac said, her voice breaking. She didn’t sound certain at all. “I have to protect you, Vi.”

They heard rapid footsteps approaching, and Violet repeated, “I won’t leave you!”

“Let me keep my promise.” Lilac said, reaching out to grab Violet’s hands. “I promised I’d protect you. Hide here.”

Violet bit her lip, looking deep into Lilac’s eyes. Then she put a hand on her own necklace and said, “I love you, Li.”

She gave her elder sister a hug. Lilac jumped, startled; her sister rarely, if ever, intentionally hugged her.

Then Violet backed away and pushed Lilac into the closet, slamming the door shut.

“Violet!” Lilac screamed, as she heard the lock click.

“See you soon!” Violet called, and then she took off running.  

“No!” Lilac screamed, running for the door and trying to push it open; it was locked, it was _locked,_ Violet had _locked her inside._ “No! No, no, no! Violet! _Violet!”_

“Hey, bitch!” she heard Violet call distantly. “Looking for someone?”

_“No!”_

Lilac knelt by the doorknob, reaching for her hairpins. She had to get out, she had to _get out…_ Violet _needed_ her…

 

Violet took off running for the doors, trying each one in turn; locked, locked, locked.

“Come on, dear!” Esme shouted, barely missing her as Violet ducked out of her reach and ran to the next door. “Just hold still, I won’t hurt you!”

“You’re sucking at the whole ‘lying under pressure’ thing, E.” Violet said, tugging at the door. When it didn’t move, she ran to the next one, only barely bothering to pull each door before abandoning it, knowing she didn’t have time to try pushing or kicking.

Esme gave her a dark look. “You know, you sound just like your stupid _fucking_ Mother when you call me that!”

“I don’t know what the hell she did to you,” Violet said, grabbing another door, “But I know I wholeheartedly approve!”

Esme let out some kind of scream, but Violet barely noticed.

Because she finally opened a door, only to come face-to-face with Count Olaf.

“Hello, hello, hello.” he said coldly.  

Violet turned and tried to run, but he grabbed her by the hair and yanked her back. Violet screamed and kicked as he put her arms around her and dragged her into the hall.

“Isn’t it wonderful when we work together?” Esme said, pushing down another row of filing cabinets as she followed him out.

“Where are the other brats?” Olaf asked, looking very displeased.

“They got out, you fucking bastard!” Violet shouted, still trying to break out of his hold. “They got the hell out of there!”

“Unfortunately, she’s right, the other brats managed to duck down a chute.” Esme huffed. “I thought her stupid twin was out with her, but she was alone.”

“Lilac’s not my twin!” Violet shouted, and then she looked up at Olaf with a smirk. “And she got out! She got _out!_ You can’t get to her! You _never will!_ You lost!”

Her face fell as she saw his wicked smile.

“Oh, my dear Violet, on the contrary,” Olaf said, “I think I have exactly what I need.”

 

Lilac finally heard a click, and she burst the door open, screaming, “Violet! _Violet!”_

No answer.

Lilac stepped over all the fallen file cabinets; the library was a mess. It was in _ruins._ Esme had completely destroyed it, just trying to get to them. “Violet!” she screamed desperately. “Violet, this isn’t funny!”

Still no response. Lilac looked around in terror, her hand flying to her necklace. “Violet _Malina Baudelaire!_ You get the _fuck_ out here!”

She moved forwards, and realized she’d almost stepped on something. She looked down and saw, dropped by a door that was swinging open, just one item.

Mother’s necklace.

Lilac dropped to her knees and picked it up, flipping the cold metal over in her hands. It looked like it’d been thrown. Like Violet had wanted to signal to her that she was gone.

And that she didn’t expect to come back.

Lilac started to cry, and then she couldn’t stop.


	25. in which Lilac breaks down

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE**

_ in which Lilac breaks down _

 

“Nick, please!” Klaus said. “It’s going to be okay, I promise!” 

Nick was curled up against a pillar, only having just stopped sobbing uncontrollably. He was still crying quite a bit, though, as he looked up towards his brother, who looked incredibly frightened. Solitude was pressed up against him, hugging his arm as Babbitt slept on the dirt beside them, and Sunny was hugging Klaus’s leg and staring at Nick with wide, frightened eyes.  

“It’s  _ not _ okay!” Nick said, his voice rising. “It’s  _ not!  _ L-Lilac and Violet are- are  _ still there!  _ With  _ her!  _ She’ll take them!” 

“No, no, they’ll get out.” Klaus said. “They’ll get out, you know them! It’s Lilac and Violet, they’ll get out!” 

“No! No!” Nick buried his head in his knees again. “No, we have to- we have to find them-” 

“Li said to wait here!” Solitude cried. 

“Lilac’s not going to get out!” Nick shouted. “They’ll have her and Violet!” 

“Nick-” 

“I _ know,  _ okay?” Nick snapped, shooting his head back up to give his brother a furious glare that actually made Klaus step back. “I  _ know _ exactly what they’ll fucking  _ do _ to them! Everything they  _ did to me…  _ they… they’ll… I… I… we can’t  _ let them…”  _

“Nick, please.” Klaus knelt back down in front of him, putting one arm around Sunny and his other hand on his brother’s knee. “Please. They’ll be okay. We have to meet them here.” 

“They’re going to die.” Nick cried. “Klaus, they’re going to  _ die-”  _

“We won’t let them.” 

“You don’t  _ know,  _ Klaus.” Nick wept. “None of you know! None of you  _ know _ what they  _ did!  _ What they’ll  _ do to them!”  _

Klaus and Sunny shared a look, and then they both leaned forwards and hugged Nick. “I promise. I promise we won’t let that happen.” 

“I… I want them back.” Nick sobbed. 

“We’ll get them back.” 

_ “I want Mom and Dad!”  _

Klaus fell silent. 

And then Nick broke away from his siblings, standing up and rushing out farther, backing up and shaking his head. 

“They have some  _ fucking _ explaining to do.” he said. 

“Nick!” Klaus shot to his feet. 

“This is  _ their fault!”  _

“Nick, no-” 

“Did you fucking find out yet?” Nick asked. “About the  _ shit _ they’ve done?”

Klaus’ eyes widened. “Wh-what does that mean?” 

Nick shut his eyes, blinking back more tears. “It means they fucked up big time.” Nick said, his voice breaking. “They  _ fucked up big time.”  _

Then he looked up, to peer over Klaus’s shoulder, and it seemed like his heart was splitting in half. 

Klaus, Soli and Sunny turned to look behind them, and saw the door to the hospital swinging shut. Lilac was walking out. 

“See?” Klaus said shakily. “Lilac’s back. Violet’s gotta be right behind her.” 

Violet was not. 

When Lilac got closer, her siblings could see two things. One, she was crying. Two, she held Mother’s necklace in her hand. 

Sunny sat on the ground, shock overwhelming her. Solitude let out a sob and buried her face in Klaus’s leg. Klaus and Nick just stared. 

“Where’s Violet?” Klaus asked. 

Lilac whispered something, her eyes fixed on the ground. 

_ No. No, not again.  _

_ “Where’s Violet?”  _ Klaus repeated, panic rising. 

Lilac shut her eyes, and then said, “They  _ got her.”  _

“No.” Klaus said. 

“No, no, no…” Nick sunk to the ground, looking at Lilac in complete shock. 

“They…” Lilac shook slightly. “V-Violet locked me… we found a closet, I told her to get in, she… she pushed me in, by the time I got it unlocked…” she let out a sob, and then said,  _ “They have our sister…”  _

“N-not for long.” Klaus said, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Li, we’re not letting this happen again. We’re getting her the  _ hell _ back.” 

“We don’t even know where they… where they  _ fucking _ are…” Lilac cried. 

“We’ll find out.” Klaus said. “Listen.  _ Listen.  _ They can’t have gone far. They haven’t been found out, so they won’t leave without the rest of us being… being dealt with. So they’ve still got her in the hospital. We just need to find a way to sneak around.” 

Lilac bit her lip, breathing fast. “I… yes. Yes.” 

“There’s always something.” Klaus reminded her, and then he turned to the toddlers. “Girls, show us where the construction materials are. We’ll work out some kind of plan.” 

Solitude nodded seriously, helping Sunny to her feet and gesturing for their siblings to follow them. Klaus followed closely, blinking back his own tears and trying to stay focused. Nick stumbled to his feet, starting after them, and then he stopped. 

Lilac was going in the opposite direction. 

“Li?” Nick asked. “They’re going…” 

Lilac moved to the far end of the construction, and sat down. Confused, Nick wiped his eyes with his sleeve and followed her. “Li?” 

She didn’t respond, so he quickened his step. Shit, he’d been right, they’d done something to her, something was  _ wrong…  _

“Li?” 

Then he stopped beside her, and realized she was crying. 

He carefully sat beside her, staring at her. She noticed him and quickly looked away. “G-go help Klaus.” she said. 

Nick shook his head. 

“Go on! Go help him!” Lilac said. “He- he knows what he’s doing.” 

Nick shook his head again. “Klaus never knows what he’s doing.” 

“All the more reason to help him.” 

For a third time, Nick shook his head. Then, quietly, he asked, “What’d they do to you?” 

Lilac shut her eyes, and then burst into sobs. Nick jumped, shocked, and she cried, “Nothing! They couldn’t get to me! Because I  _ failed!  _ I was supposed to protect her! I was supposed to protect  _ all of you!”  _

“Lilac, Violet-” Nick began. 

“I was supposed to protect her.” Lilac said. “And… and I can’t even do that!” 

“Li?” 

“I can’t do it, Nick. I can’t  _ do this!  _ I can’t… I’m supposed to be the big sister, I’m supposed to be the… I’m supposed to be in  _ charge,  _ but I can’t be! I don’t know what the  _ hell _ I’m doing! I’m lost, a-and I’m scared, and… and I can’t  _ do any of this!  _ I can’t  _ do this anymore!”  _

Nick stared at her, completely shocked. 

“You got  _ kidnapped, Nick!”  _ Lilac cried. “Because… because I couldn’t protect you, and… and they beat the  _ shit _ out of you until they fucking  _ broke _ you… Nick, you couldn’t even  _ talk _ for a bit… Nick, I’m  _ sorry, I’m sorry!  _ And now they have  _ Violet!  _ And they’re gonna… they’re gonna keep going, until they’ve taken us and beaten us and broken us and there’s nothing left and there’s  _ nothing I can do to stop it…  _ and I shouldn’t even be saying this to you! I’m supposed to… I’m supposed to tell you that everything’s alright! Because you need to know that! But I can’t… I can’t even believe that… they took my baby brother and then they took my baby sister…” 

Nick took a deep breath, wiping his eyes again. And then he said, “Li, it’s… you don’t have to be the strong one.” 

“Yes, I do! I’m the eldest! I have to take care of you!” 

“Li, no-”

“I’m in charge, I’ve always been… I’ve always been the one to keep you safe… and I can’t… I can’t do it… I can’t even  _ do it…”  _

Nick shook his head. “Lilac-” 

“I couldn’t even do it before! You all never listened to me, and, hell, maybe you shouldn’t have! Cause I can’t do anything right!” 

“Lilac, that’s not true.” Nick tried not to cry, too. “That’s-” 

“And- and- and- and I feel like, like none of you even  _ like me!”  _ Lilac finally burst.  _ “Like you couldn’t care less!  _ I could disappear and it wouldn’t matter! They should’ve taken  _ me!”  _

She couldn’t talk after that, she could only cry and scream into her lap. Nick finally leaned over, throwing his arms around her and pulling her very close. 

Neither of them moved or spoke for a very long time. Nick just hugged her, feeling her shake as she sobbed, hearing her tears waterfall from her eyes, and just letting her let it all out, for what had to be the first time in a very, very long while. She only tried to pull away from him once, but when he held tight, she gave in and just let him hold her. 

After what had to be several minutes, Lilac whispered, “I’m the big sister. I should be hugging you.” 

“I’ve had enough hugs.” Nick said quietly. He pulled away, just a little, so he could meet her eyes. “Li, why don’t you think we like you?” 

“I’m not…” Lilac sniffled. “I’m not like you.” 

Nick froze. “What does that mean?” 

“You all are so close.” Lilac shut her eyes. “You and Solitude, you and Klaus, you and Violet, Violet and Klaus, Klaus and Sunny, Solitude and Sunny… all of you. You’re all each others’ best friends. None of you care about me like that.” 

“What?” 

“I just… feel like…” Lilac bit her lip. “Like there’s this wall between us. That we can’t see, but we can’t cross. And I can see you all… you all together. And I just… can’t be like that. Cause I have to be responsible? Cause I’m the oldest? Cause… cause I just can’t be loved?” 

“Li!” Nick put a hand on her cheek, turning her towards him. “Li, we  _ do _ love you. You’re our big sister! You’re our  _ sister!  _ You are our  _ family!  _ Sure, we pick on you, but not because we hate you! We all love you, too!” 

Lilac shook her head. “No. No, you hate-” 

“Lilac, who taught Soli how to walk?” Nick asked. “Who took care of Sunny when the rest of us were a mess? Who changed all her diapers, prepared all her food, even before the fire? Who invents with Violet? Who read to me and Klaus every night?” 

Lilac shut her eyes tight and moved her face away. 

“Li, who’s the smartest, bravest, most resourceful girl I know?” 

“Violet.” 

“Li! Li, I love Violet, but she’s not you! She’s Violet, and you’re Lilac.” Nick choked back a sob. “You’re Lilac Emily Baudelaire. You’re my big sister.” 

“I can’t even be a good sister.” Lilac said. “Mom and Dad trusted me, told me to take care of you, and… and it just… it just makes me like  _ this.” _

Nick paused a moment, and then he leaned his head on her shoulder, shut his eyes, and said,  _ “They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad.”  _

“What?” 

_ “They may not mean to, but they do.”  _ he recited.  _ “They fill you with the faults they had, then add some extra, just for you.”  _

Lilac stiffened for a second, and then carefully put an arm around Nick. “Where… where’d you learn that?” 

“The Library.” Nick lied. 

Lilac glanced over at him, her eyes sad. “Nick… Nick, I’m gonna do better.” 

“You’re already doing the best you can.” 

“Nick, you’ve been trying to tell me something since we got back.” Lilac pulled away to get face-to-face with her brother again, meaning she didn’t feel him flinch. “And I… and I haven’t listened.” 

“It’s… we’ve been busy…” 

“Nick.” Lilac wiped her eyes, and then put her hands on his. “It’s okay to… to talk about what happened to you.” 

Nick bit his lip. “That’s…” 

“I’ve been busy, yes, but I’ve also been scared. Scared that I’ll… I’ll hear something that makes everything worse.” Lilac’s eyes darted to the ground a moment, before going back up to Nick. “But I’ll listen. I want to hear you. I want you to tell me.” 

Nick stared at her for a long moment. And then he said, “It can wait.” 

She shook her head. “It doesn’t have to.” 

“No.” Nick gripped her hands. “We have to get Violet back. We… we won’t let them hurt her. We can’t let them hurt anyone else.” 

Lilac took a deep breath, and then she reached onto the ground beside her, picking up Mother’s necklace. She stared for a moment, and then pressed it into Nick’s hands. 

“She’d want you to have it.” she said. 

Nick stared down it, feeling the cold metal heart in his hands. “I don’t even know what Mom would’ve wanted anymore.” 

Lilac gave him a shaky smile. “I meant Violet.” 

She gave him a tight hug, and then stood up. She held out her hand to help him to his feet, but he shook his head. “I just need a minute.” he promised. “Go make sure Soli, Sunny and Klaus don’t kill themselves.” 

“Well, that’s one thing I’ve been able to do so far, I guess.” 

Nick smiled at her. “You can do anything, sis.” 

Lilac gave him another smile, and then she patted his shoulder and walked back to Klaus and the toddlers, who were digging through a discarded bag. 

Nick watched her go, and then he slowly turned to the necklace in his hands. He traced the  _ BB,  _ and then he flipped it over, staring in silence at the Eye. 

“VFD.” he whispered, and then, slowly, he placed the necklace on, letting the  _ BB  _ side show. He’d rather see that. He put a hand over it, feeling the fabric of his sweater underneath it. He couldn’t remember where he’d gotten the sweater. Maybe a birthday, maybe a Chanukah, maybe some random day when Father took him shopping and threw a sweater that might fit him onto the pile. He just knew that it was comforting. It felt like home. A home he could never return to. Not even in his memories anymore. Not with what he knew now. 

He slowly stood, and turned to look at Lilac. She was kneeling beside Klaus, her hair tied back as she dumped a bag onto the ground that seemed to be full of doctors’ uniforms. Soli and Sunny peered over, as Lilac explained something to them all. 

_ You should have told her.  _

No. No, he couldn’t have. Not now. Not when she’d just told him all of that. That she was depressed and had enough anxiety about things she couldn’t control to break down like that. That she didn’t feel like she could do anything right. 

That she felt disconnected from the rest of her siblings. 

Nick put his hand on the necklace, and then slowly slid it under his sweater. It thumped against his shirt, so it didn’t hit his skin and give him that cold feeling he hated so much. 

He couldn’t tell her. Not when she’d just said she felt separate from the rest of them. She wasn’t, of course. She could never be. 

But telling her that she was someone else’s daughter would not have convinced her of that. 


	26. in which Klaus impersonates a doctor

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX**

_in which Klaus impersonates a Doctor_

 

“So,” Nick asked, sitting on the dirt, “What’s the plan?”

Lilac pulled on her ribbon and said, “Klaus and the girls found some discarded uniforms. Too small, ripped or torn, dirtied up, stuff like that.”

“Looks like they were left out here for trash collection.” Klaus said. “But we can use these! They don’t look too rough, we can easily use them as disguises.”

Nick narrowed his eyes. “Disguises?”

Sunny nodded enthusiastically. “Doctors!” she said.

 _“Klaus_ wants to dress up as doctors and sneak Violet out of the hospital.” Lilac said darkly. “I think there are so many ways that plan could go wrong.”

“So long as we really act well,” Klaus said, “People might just think we’re short doctors. Everyone always buys into Olaf’s disguises. So why can’t we give it a try?”

Nick flinched. “You want to be like _him?”_

“We’re just…” Klaus paused, glancing at Soli.

“Using everyone’s dumbassery to our advantage.” Solitude shrugged.

Nick smiled a little, ruffling Soli’s hair. “Fair.”

“Not fair.” Lilac said, putting a hand on her necklace. “What if we get caught?”

“Yeet Babbitt.” Solitude said.

“Bite.” Sunny said.

“Stab.” Klaus said.

“We don’t have _weapons.”_ Lilac reminded him. “And they have Violet. Listen, I want to get her back, too-”

“So do you have a better plan?” Klaus asked.

Lilac paused. “The vents. They look big enough to crawl through comfortably. We could go through there…”

“And then we have to stick to the shadows.” Klaus said. “And we can’t get directions or find people who could help us. If we get caught, we have no excuses.”

“But it’ll be safer.”

“No, it’s just… safer in one way, more dangerous in another.”

“Don’t fight!” Solitude said, throwing her hands over her ears.

Klaus and Lilac stopped a moment. “I’m sorry, Solitude.” Lilac said. “But we’re not fighting.”

“We’re not mad at each other.” Klaus promised. “Just a little stressed.”

Nick hesitated. “In the doctor disguises… would we have to… to see _them?”_

“The troupe?” Klaus asked. Nick shut his eyes and nodded, scratching his arm, and his brother continued, “Possibly.”

Nick sighed. “Then _I_ have a plan.”

“Nick plans are best plans.” Solitude beamed.

“Whazzit?” Sunny asked.

Nick bit his lip. “Klaus, you and Li go in as doctors. I’ll go through the vents with the girls.”

“What?” Lilac jumped.

“You two get the info you need from the staff, or, hell, even the dumbass singing Volunteers.” Nick said. “We’ll follow you in the vents, serve as backup if anything should happen. Once you find Violet, we’ll follow you out. We get back out here, hotwire a car, find our way somewhere… somewhere else.”

“No.” Lilac shook her head. “No, we’re not splitting up.”

“We won’t be.” Nick said. “I’ll be right with you the whole time. And it’ll be safer for the girls to not be walking around the hospital.”

Sunny shook her head. “Calil.” she said, which meant something like, _“I’m staying with Lilac and Klaus. They might need a biter.”_

“Um, no.” Lilac said.

Sunny gave her a glare, and then picked up a large coat. “Lif!” she said, which meant, _“Someone wear this and strap me inside, I’ll fit!”_

“I could do that.” Klaus said. “I’ve carried you in baby bjorns before.”

“I… I don’t know.” Lilac said. “I don’t want any of you getting hurt. I can’t…” she shut her eyes. “I can’t lose anyone else.”

Klaus threw his arm around her, and said, “Nothing’s going to happen. But none of us are just going to sit around while that creep has our Violet.”

Lilac bit her lip. “I just… when I think about _her…”_

“We won’t let anything happen to her.” Nick promised. “But we have to get her back, before they can get her away from us.”

Slowly, carefully, Lilac nodded. And then she said, “I… I just want you to know. I will do whatever it takes to make sure you all stay safe.”

Nick leaned forward and put a hand over hers, and Solitude grabbed the other and said, “Same for you.”

Lilac shut her eyes and then said, “If we’re going in disguise, can you… help me with something?”

“Of course.” Klaus nodded.

Lilac bit her lip. “We’re going to need to do something with my hair. The braids are… too recognizable.”

They were silent for a long moment, just staring at her. Then Nick scooted forwards and grabbed one of her braids. Slowly, he started to unravel it, and then Klaus took one, and then the toddlers wandered over and managed to reach up and unbraid one each. As they worked, Lilac pulled her ribbon from her dress, wrapping and unwrapping it around her palm.

When her siblings finally moved away, Lilac took her hair in her hands, shutting her eyes as she tried to figure out what to do. Then she took her hair and pulled it up, wrapping and piling until she had a messy bun. She tied it with her ribbon, making a bow, which she normally never did. She pushed a stray hair behind her ear and said, “How’s this look?”

Klaus leaned forwards and gave her a hug. And then the toddlers and Nick joined in, and they all sat together in silence for a long while.

 

As soon as Nick climbed into the vents, he realized he’d made a huge mistake.

Solitude was already crawling ahead of him, with Babbitt hopping ahead of her, peering through the grates to make sure they were ahead of their siblings. Nick slowly moved forwards, trying to keep from shaking, and then he whispered, “Soli?”

“Hmm?”

Nick took a deep breath. “These vents are a lot bigger than I thought, but, um… they’re still pretty cramped.”

Solitude shrugged. Of course it didn’t seem cramped to her, she was only a little over two feet tall.

“I was just… I’m not sure I like how small it is.”

Solitude peered over her shoulder, looking very confused. That made sense; she’d never known him to be claustrophobic. Not at all. She probably didn’t get it. “Oh?”

“So, I’m just saying… it should be big enough, but if I start to… to freak out, cause I already feel real nervous right now, can you just… find a safe place to let me out?”

Solitude paused, and then said, “Okay.”

“Thanks, Sol.”

Solitude gave him a bright smile. “No problem, bro!”

Babbitt hopped ahead, and Solitude followed. Nick took another breath, looking down the vent. He could see light this way. He could see the way out.

_You’re going to be fine. You’re not there anymore. Lilac, Klaus and Sunny are out there._

_And Violet needs you._

 

“Klaus, move faster.” Lilac hissed.

“I’m sorry, do _you_ want to carry the baby?”

“Yes, actually. But there’s no time to switch, is there?”

The costumes were very rushed; Lilac was normally pretty good with them, having put together her own outfits a lot, as well as spending a lot of time with their Mother whenever she went over costume inventory for her performances, but they had been in quite the hurry and they were all very stressed.

Klaus’s large jacket had been tied around Sunny, making it seem like he was simply a bit overweight. They’d managed to scrape together a fake beard out of some more clothes from the trashbag, while Lilac had also put on a large lab coat, barely covering her long black dress. Her bun was holding, thankfully, and she’d also thrown on a surgical mask from a discarded box; they were apparently too small for regular doctors.

“Sunny,” Lilac whispered as they turned down a bend, “How you feeling?”

“Claustrophobic.” they could hear Sunny say from beneath the coat.

“We’ll be out soon.” Klaus said. “We just need to find where he’s keeping Violet.”

“I’m pretty sure he’s still at the hospital, because he wouldn’t leave without…” Lilac shut her eyes. “Without dealing with us. But she could be anywhere.”

That was when the intercom turned on.

“Attention! Attention!” came Count Olaf’s voice from the speaker; the Baudelaires were disgusted to hear he sounded joyous, giggling between every other word. “Today is a very important day in the history of Heimlich Hospital! In precisely one hour, a doctor here will perform the world’s first cranioectomy on a fourteen-year-old girl. We all hope this very dangerous operation is a complete success, and nothing goes wrong! That is all.”

They heard some more laughter, and then Esme’s voice. “Darling, you forgot to turn the microphone off.”

The intercom buzzed out, and Lilac said, her voice shaking, “Klaus, what’s a cranioectomy?”

Klaus narrowed his eyes. “Well, _cranio_ means _head,_ and _ectomy_ is a medical term for removing something.”

Lilac paled. “Klaus…”

“Decap?” Sunny asked from beneath the coat, meaning something like, _“Are they  going to cut off Violet’s head?”_

“Son of a bitch…” Klaus muttered. He looked up towards the vents, hoping his other siblings were there, just being quiet in case someone came down the hall. “We’ve got to find her right away.”

“If she’s going in for surgery,” Lilac said, narrowing her eyes and trying to keep calm, “He’ll have her disguised as a patient.”

“And Hal said this hospital runs on paperwork.” Klaus said. “So she should be listed somewhere. Where would we find a patient list?”

Then they heard a chorus of song down the next hallway.

_“We sing and sing all night and day,_

_And then we sing some more._

_We sing to boys with broken bones_

_And girls whose throats are sore!”_

Lilac and Klaus shared a look, and then Klaus said, “I have an idea. Follow my lead.”

She nodded, and Klaus grabbed her hand and dragged her down the hall.

They could see the Volunteers Fighting Disease ducking into a room, and the two children waited outside a moment.

“Excuse me?” said a patient from inside. “I was supposed to get painkillers this morning, but the nurse never arrived.”

“Oh, silly, we don’t have any of those!” said the bearded man. “But we have balloons!”

Klaus and Lilac shared a skeptical look, and then they heard more singing as the Volunteers started to exit.

_“Tra la le, fiddle dee dee,_

_Hope you get well soon._

_Ho ho ho, hee hee hee,_

_Have a heart-shaped balloon!”_

The bearded man exited last, with a clipboard in hands. “Excuse me!” Klaus called, dropping into a thick british accent. “Sir!”

The bearded man turned around, still grinning. “Why, hello brother!”

“Hello… brother.” Klaus said. “My name is Dr Faustus, and this is my assistant…”

“Doctor Howser.” Lilac said in an austrailian accent, thinking very fast. “We’re going to perform surgery soon.”

“Yes,” Klaus said, “But we seem to have lost our patient list.”

“Which we need.” Lilac said. “Seeing as we need to find our patient before we can perform surgery.”

“And after surgery, our patient can get balloons.” Klaus added.

“Well,” the bearded man shrugged, “I hate reading the names of patients anyway. Here you go!”

“Thank you very much, brother.” Lilac said, taking the list.

“Love to be of service!” said the man, and then he marched off with the other Volunteers, still singing.

“Glad we don’t have to stick around them much longer.” Lilac muttered.

“Since when could you do an Austrailian accent?”

“You don’t know everything about me.” Lilac scanned the list. “Nick, Soli, we’re finding a storage closet to duck into. We need to figure out where our sister is.”

 

As soon as they shut the closet door, Klaus took off the lab coat and beard, and Lilac also tossed her coat aside before helping Klaus get Sunny to the floor. A vent broke open, and Nick jumped down, catching Solitude and Babbitt as they leapt after him.

“There are hundreds of names on this list, and it’s organized by ward, not name.” Lilac said, slamming it onto the table. “Everyone take a stack.”

“Do you think anyone will find us in here?” Nick asked nervously, looking around the cramped closet with a very uncomfortable expression.

Sunny glanced around the room, taking inventory of the boxes of rubber bands, cans of alphabet soup and low, dirty-looking sinks. “Pesh,” she shrugged, which meant, _“Not until somebody needs rubber bands, alphabet soup, or clean hands.”_

Nick took a stack of paper, passing one to Solitude, who didn’t know much about reading but knew what Violet’s name looked like. Lilac and Klaus each took a stack, but after several minutes of panicked flipping, they found nothing.

“She’s not here.” Lilac looked about ready to cry. “She’s not _here.”_

“Alias!” Solitude suggested.

“Soli’s right.” Nick said. “She could have a fake name.”

“That’d make sense.” Klaus said. “He’s using a fake name, why wouldn’t he use one for her?”

“But which name is hers?” Lilac asked.

Nick stared down at the paper. “Anagram.” he said.

“What?” Lilac said.

“Anagram!” he said. He grabbed a can of alphabet soup and tossed it to Sunny. “Sunny, bite!”

Sunny nodded and bit open the can, and Nick took it and ran to the sink, pouring it down the drain.

“Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.” said Solitude, dumbfounded.

“Nick, sweetie,” Lilac said, very worriedly, “What are you doing?”

Nick reached into the sink, pulling out specific noodles. “Finding Violet.”

“How?” Klaus asked.

“He’s using an anagram, dumbass!” Nick said. “Al Funcoot = Anagram. Al Funcoot is… is _his_ name with the letters mixed up. If he wanted to hide Violet, but didn’t want to forget where she was, he’d disguise her with an anagram.”

He dumped several noodles on the table and said, “These letters make up Violet’s name. We need to find a name that has these letters.”

“Which ward would she be in?” Klaus asked, immediately grabbing the papers.

“I have the surgical ward.” Lilac said, slamming a paper on the table. “If he’s disguising her cranioectomy as a surgery, he’d have her there, right?”

Klaus scanned the list of names, as Solitude and Sunny climbed onto a chair beside the table. “All of these names could be anagrams.”

Sunny picked up a _V_ noodle and showed it to him.

“Sunny’s right,” Lilac said, “Ignore any names that don’t have a V.”

Klaus nodded, grabbing a pencil and crossing out names. “Alright,” he said, putting the paper back, “Help me try to spell these names.”

The Baudelaires mixed up the noodles, trying to find a name that matched. And after a few panicked minutes, Nick said, “Found her. Laura V Bleediotie.”

“Room 922 of the Surgical Ward.” Lilac read.

“We’ll need to get our doctors’ uniforms back on.” Klaus said. “Nick, Soli, back in the vents.”

Nick flinched a little, but nodded and picked up Solitude, who held out her hands for Babbitt. “Will you be okay?”

“Just follow us.” Lilac said. “Once we’ve got Violet, get out of the vents, we’ll get her out, and then we _run.”_


	27. in which the Baudelaires jump out a window

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN**

_in which the Baudelaires jump out a window_

 

As soon as Lilac and Klaus had their disguises back on, and Sunny was hidden under Klaus’s coat, they grabbed the patient list and took off running. Lilac held the clipboard to her chest, pulling on her mask and trying not to cry. Klaus kept directing them down halls, quickly tracking down the directory signs and trying to remember which bends to take to get to the surgical ward. They weren’t sure how much time they had left, so they knew they had to go as fast as they could, and they could only hope Nick and Soli were able to keep up.

When they finally entered the surgical ward, Lilac raced down the hall, muttering numbers under her breath. “919… 920… 921- here! 922!”

She reached for the door handle, only to hear, “And what do you think you’re doing?”

Lilac froze, and Klaus immediately ran forwards and grabbed her arm. The Hook-Handed Man and Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender were coming down the hall, dressed as doctors. Lilac took a deep breath, and then said, in her austrailian accent, “Sorry, we’re here for Laura V Bleediotie. Is this the right room?”

“And who are you supposed to be?” asked the Hook-Handed Man.

Lilac froze up, and Klaus said, “We’re associates.”

There was a beat, and then the Henchperson said, “Oooh, it’s you two! Good disguises. I didn’t even think of changing my voice.”

Lilac and Klaus tried very hard not to look confused. “Yes.” Lilac said.

“The beard’s a little much.” the Hook-Handed Man said to Klaus.

“It covers my face.” Klaus said. “But we really should be, um, getting to the patient-”

“Oh, the boss already moved her.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “Didn’t he tell you?”

Lilac looked like her world was crashing down. Slowly, she opened the door, indeed finding an empty room. “Oh.” she said, afraid that if she said more she would start screaming.

“Where is she?” Klaus asked, trying very hard to keep his false accent.

“The Count and Ms Squalor already moved her to the surgery room.” the Henchperson said.

“Speaking of which,” said the Hook-Handed Man, “I’m glad you’re here. The boss wanted you to carry the knife- shit, where’d we leave it?”

The Henchperson gestured towards Room 922, and the Hook-Handed Man said, “Ah!” before ducking inside and coming out with a giant knife clutched between his hooks. He held it out for Klaus to take, and after he hesitantly did, the henchman said, “Her bratty siblings haven’t shown up yet, but the boss is convinced they will. Come on, let’s get to the operating theater; we don’t want to be late for the surgery.”

Lilac and Klaus shared a horrified look as soon as the henchpeople turned around, but they quickly followed them. Lilac grabbed onto Klaus’s free hand as he held out the knife, very concerned.

They only walked for a little bit before reaching some large double doors. The Henchperson held them open, and Lilac and Klaus stepped into a huge room. The walls were covered in large benches, on which sat several doctors, nurses and regular spectators, staring at the center of the room. Down there stood Esme Squalor, who was wearing a nurse’s uniform that was too small for her. They were standing over a long, metal table, and strapped to the table was an unconscious Violet Baudelaire.

Lilac almost collapsed right there, only barely able to keep her hold on Klaus’s hand as they stepped forwards, almost in a daze. Violet’s arms were tied to the sides of the bed, and they noticed very quickly that she’d been changed into a hospital gown, and her face was obscured by her hair, which had fallen over her eyes. Lilac’s gaze darted around her sister’s body, which was barely breathing. Her eyes finally fell on a mask, mostly obscured by her hair, that connected to some machine beside the table. Her eyes locked on it, and she gave Klaus a look and a gesture. Klaus nervously nodded, as Esme said, “And now, my dear audience, it looks like our doctors have arrived!”  

Klaus shut his mouth tight, not wanting to say anything that would give them away. As the Hook-Handed Man and Henchperson went to the audience, and the children approached their sister, trying not to shake or cry or scream, Klaus felt the knife in his hands, wondering if he could potentially stab Esme and get away with it. He doubted he’d be able to run very far, what with so many people watching, but maybe it was worth a shot.

“Thank you for coming, doctors.” Esme said. “Our dear Dr Mattathias Medicalschool wanted to be here, but he’s currently busy going over some important documents. So he requested we make this as quick as possible, before some fugitives can arrive and spoil our fun.”

“Um…” Lilac began, staring down at Violet. The second-eldest Baudelaire looked very pale up close, and Lilac looked ready to cry.

“Now, everyone!” Esme announced, sweeping out her arm in a grand gesture. “This procedure is fairly new! Doctors agree that almost all problems in the body begin at the brain, so a cranioectomy resolves to remove the brain entirely by surgically removing the head from the body!”

Klaus trembled a little, and Lilac slowly let go of him, moving over to the machine that was strapped to Violet’s mask. She knelt down, looking for the off switch.

“Now, of course, there’s a small chance this could kill our patient.” Esme said, leaning slightly on the table that Violet laid on. “But it won’t be a huge loss, I assure you. This ugly little girl had no interesting life ahead of her, and she was quite rude anyway.”

The spectators _ooh_ ed and _ahh_ ed, and as they did, Klaus whispered, “Sunny, what should we do?”

“Stall.” Sunny whispered back.

Klaus took a deep breath as Esme said, “So, Doctor. Get on with it! These people came for a show! _So give them what they want!”_

Klaus bit his lip, and then he looked from his unconscious sister to the knife in his hands. Then, slowly, he lifted it up.

“This is a knife.” he said.

“We _know_ it’s a knife.” Esme rolled her eyes. “Now let’s see you use it!”

“W-well,” Klaus said, eyes darting around the room, “It’s important to discuss what tools are being used. And explain what’s happening. That’s what a real surgeon would do.”

Esme huffed. “I _suppose.”_

Lilac flipped a switch on the machine, and Klaus quickly shut his eyes and started quoting from a History of Knives he’d read once. “The knife is the oldest surgical tool in the world. Early knives have been found in Mayan tombs and Egyptian temples.”

As Lilac stood up, she thought she could see Violet move a little, and she quickly looked to the door. The table was on wheels, if they pushed it they might be able to get out before anyone could move.

“There are many different types of knives,” Klaus said, “Which I’m going to list for you right now. There’s the pen knife, the pocket knife, the butter knife-”

Lilac thought she head some kind of pounding from an overhead vent, and her eyes widened quite a bit.

“This is all very interesting,” Esme groaned, “But hurry up and cut off her head. We don’t have all day.”

“Um-” Klaus began.

“Wait!” Lilac said. “We haven’t done the proper paperwork!”

Klaus nodded quickly. “Yes. As we all know-”

_“Cut off her head!”_

That was when the Baudelaires’ bad luck increased, because the double doors opened, and in walked the two white-faced women, dressed as nurses.

“Shit.” Lilac said.

Esme’s eyes narrowed as she looked from the white-faced women- who were both staring at the Baudelaires in confusion- to the two disguised doctors beside her. And then she smiled, and Klaus knew very quickly that she’d figured it out.

“Well, well, well.” Esme said. “Dear beloved audience, what a shocking turn of events! These two people beside me are not doctors at all, but the _Baudelaire Murderers.”_

Esme started to walk towards Klaus, who instantly threw the knife to the ground, watching it slide across the stage and far away from them, not wanting Esme to take it from him and use it on Violet. But Esme didn’t even flinch, instead just grabbing Klaus’s coat. Lilac let out a cry and started forwards as Esme ripped it, and the audience gasped as it opened to reveal Sunny, strapped to Klaus’s chest and looking very cross. Lilac managed to grab Klaus’s arm and drag him back slightly, before taking off her surgical mask and coat and tossing them- no use using it now.

“Look!” Esme pointed. “The Baudelaire Murderers!”

“We’re not murderers!” Lilac shouted. “And we’re only here because you kidnapped our sister!”

“This is Esme Squalor!” Klaus said, removing the makeshift harness that held Sunny to him, letting her own onto the floor, “She’s working with Count Olaf-”

“Oh, please.” Esme said. “Count Olaf is dead. You killed him.”

“We didn’t _kill anyone!”_ Klaus said. “And you’re trying to cut off Violet’s head!”

“Whaaat?”

Lilac let out a relieved cry, and Klaus and Sunny beamed as they turned to see Violet struggling to sit up, flicking her head so her hair fell out of her face. She still had the mask on, so her voice was muffled. Esme looked very displeased, and she ran to the machine, muttering something about knockout drugs.

“Violet!” Klaus cheered, running forwards and pulling the mask off her face. “Violet, are you okay?”

Violet blinked at him, and he realized how exhausted he looked. “Wha’s happening? Why’s Lilac’s hair weird?”

Lilac looked like she was going to cry. She picked up Sunny and placed her beside Violet, and Sunny hugged her sister’s arm, just as the doors opened once again. The Baudelaires looked up as Hal walked in.

“Heeeeeey.” Violet said, still looking confused.

“Hal!” Klaus smiled. “Hal, please, tell them we’re not criminals!”

But he realized then just how disappointed Hal looked. “Oh, but you are!” he said, and the siblings’ hearts sank as he held up the fake keyring. “I tried to enter the library of records today, only to find that you had stolen my keys and destroyed the library!”

“No!” Lilac said. “No, the library-”

“Yes, we stole your keys, and we’re _sorry.”_ Klaus said. “But we had to get a file, and Esme Squalor destroyed it.”

“We’d be perfectly willing to help you clean up-” Lilac began.

 _“Clean up?”_ Hal said incredulously. “The library is on _fire!”_

“What?” Lilac screamed, just as the intercom came on.

“Attention, members of the hospital.” came Count Olaf’s voice. “The Library of Records is on fire, as begun by the Baudelaire orphans.”

“No!” Klaus said, as the audience gasped and started getting to their feet. “No, we’re right here!”

“Really?” Esme said, crossing her arms and smirking. “Where are the other two?”

“Oh, son of a-” Lilac began.

The speaker turned on again. “The fire in the library is spreading. I recommend you take your valuables and leave the hospital immediately.” said Olaf.

“Everyone!” Esme shouted. “Let’s capture the Baudelaire murderers! Dr Mattathias will know what to do with them!”

Lilac instantly ran behind the table, grabbing the edges. “Klaus, we’re going, _now.”_ she said.

“Good plan.” Klaus nodded, running around to help her push the table.

But they only went a few feet before Hal ran forwards, grabbing the other end of the table.

“Hal, please.” Klaus said, as people were staring to move towards them.

“You destroyed my library!” Hal said.

At that, everyone jumped as they heard a _BANG._ The vent cover right above them burst off, and Nick jumped down, with Solitude clinging to his side and cheering.

This distracted Hal for long enough that Sunny, who decided now was not a good time to argue, could race forwards and bite onto Hal’s hands.

Hal screamed and jumped back, just as Nick, who barely managed to land on his feet, took off running towards his siblings and the door. Klaus grabbed his arm and dragged him as the children raced out of the operating theater.

They could hear people start to give chase, so they moved as fast as they could as they heard an alarm start to blare, alerting everyone of the fire. Nick didn’t say anything, just shutting his eyes and breathing hard as Klaus dragged him along, but Klaus said, “Okay, so, _what_ possessed you to jump out of the vents?”

Soli shouted, “We heard Esme reveal you, so Nick thought we should jump out as a distraction!”

“That was a good idea,” Lilac said, “And you’re speaking very good English, Sol.”

Soli tilted her head. “We didn’t burn the library, though?”

“No, no,” Klaus said. “That was Olaf. Violet, are you okay?”

Violet only sat up a little. “Where are we?” she asked.  

Nick looked absolutely panicked. His fear was not helped by the sound of an angry group of people singing behind them.

_“The hospital is burning down,_

_It really is a shame!_

_And the worst part is the Baudelaires_

_Are totally to blame!”_

“In there!” Sunny shouted, pointing at the storage closet they’d hidden in; the door was still swinging open.

Lilac gestured to the table, which was too big to fit through, and Sunny quickly bit onto the rope binding Violet to the table, breaking it in half. She bit the other, and Klaus and Nick helped Violet to her feet as Lilac picked up Sunny and shepherded them all into the closet. Before she went in, she kicked the table in the direction the voices were coming from, hoping it’d hit someone, and as soon as she got into the closet, she shut the door and pushed a table in front of it.

Nick had placed Solitude onto the ground and now held Violet by the shoulders, shaking her slightly as he shouted. “What did they do to you, Vi? _Vi, what did they do?”_

Violet barely even looked bothered; she just stared at him, numb. “I… Nick?”

“Violet, please,” Nick’s voice broke. “Please, what did they _do?”_

“She only just knocked off the anesthesia, she’ll be a little disoriented.” Klaus said, but Lilac didn’t listen to him either, instead putting Sunny onto a chair and running to Violet, too.

“I’m sorry…” Violet said quietly, sounding like she was only half-paying attention. “They took the film… Olaf took the film, I should’ve-”

“Violet!” she said, grabbing her arms. “Vi, why would you do that?”

Violet blinked, as Nick let go of her shoulders and started checking her over for injuries. “What?”

“Why would you give yourself up?” Lilac said, tears springing to her eyes. “You should’ve hidden! You should’ve been safe, _why would you do that?”_

Violet just stared at her, still looking drowsy. “I… you’re my sister.” she just said. “I love you.”

Lilac cried some more. “But I have to protect you, Vi!”

“You’re my sister.” Violet repeated.

“It should’ve been me.” Lilac said, hugging Violet tight. “It should’ve been me, then you all could’ve just run-”

“No!” Klaus shouted, causing Lilac to jump. “No, we would _never_ have!” His siblings turned to him in surprise, seeing his shocked and determined face. “Lilac, you’re not less important than Violet! We would’ve come back for you, too, and don’t you _ever_ think otherwise!”

Lilac pulled away from Violet. “Klaus-”

“None of us are trading ourselves in for another.” Klaus said, grabbing Nick’s shaking hand. “We’re not splitting up again, _ever._ Okay? Olaf’s not going to get any of us again.”

Before anyone could respond, they heard a pounding on the door. “Shit!” Sunny shouted.

“They found us.” Solitude added.

“We need to get out of here.” Lilac said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve and running to the window. “We could get out this way, but we’re about thirty or forty feet up.”

“Is the hospital really on fire?” Klaus asked.

Lilac glanced to the side. “If that smoke is any indication.”

“We need a rope.” Klaus said. “We could climb down.”

“Not gonna-” Nick took a deep breath. “Not gonna happen. It’ll take too long, and… and Violet…”

Lilac ran to Violet, grabbing her hands. “Vi, sweetie, have you got any ideas?”

Violet narrowed her eyes. “I…” she said drowsily. She reached up, feeling her hair. “I can’t think, I…” she reached for her pocket, only to find she didn’t have one. “I don’t have my ribbon… I… what am I wearing?”

Lilac ripped her ribbon out from her dress as someone pounded on the door. “Can you use this?”

“I…” Violet reached out, touching it. “Maybe? It’s not…”

Sunny reached into a box on the floor, pulling out another doctor’s coat. She bit into the sleeve, ripping a strip out, and then she ran over, holding it out for Violet. “Ribbon!” she said.

Violet picked it up, and then nodded, trying to tie back her hair. “Th-thanks, Sun.”

Lilac tied up her own hair, turning back towards the window and trying to stop crying. Violet glanced to the side, and then said, “Are those rubber bands?”

“Yeah.” Klaus nodded, pulling the boxes down. “They’re huge.”

“We can tie them together.” Violet said, still trying to blink away her tiredness. “Bungee jump.”

“Sounds good.” said Lilac, running forwards and grabbing rubber bands. “Klaus, help me tie. Nick, watch Violet. Girls, come here.”

Soli and Sunny ran over as the door pounded again, and Klaus knelt by Lilac to start knotting. “Well, Nick,” he said, “You always wanted to bungee jump.”

Nick didn’t listen, instead looking over Violet again. “Vi!” he said. “Just tell me! What did they do to you?”

Violet narrowed her eyes, trying to think. “I… I remember… we left the library, I had… they put something over my mouth, it… it made me sleepy… I remember them putting me in…” he looked at the hospital gown and shuddered. “Nick, he put me in this… I kicked him and they strapped me to the table and made me sleepy again…”

Lilac looked up at her, tears streaming down her face, opening and closing her mouth to try and ask something, but her mind wasn’t letting her. She tried to keep tying with Klaus, and finally Nick grabbed Violet’s shoulders and said, “Vi. Vi, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s…” Violet shook her head.

Nick glanced at the toddlers, who were busy tying knots, and then he asked quietly, “Vi, please, tell me, did they touch you?”

“I… no. I don’t think…”

“Did they hurt you?”

“I…” Violet shut her eyes, and then slowly nodded. Nick hugged Violet very tightly, as she tried to stop crying, to pay attention to what was going on, not to think about anything that had happened.

When Klaus and Lilac had finally tied together all the rubber bands, Lilac stood up, saying, “How long do you think this is?”

“Twenty feet?” Klaus guessed. “Not enough.”

“We’ll have to hope it’s enough.” Lilac said, starting to tie the end to the edge of the window. “Or that you suck at measurements.”

Nick slowly released Violet and picked up Solitude, and Klaus grabbed Sunny.

“Okay, so,” Lilac said. “You all jump out, I’ll-”

“No!” Klaus insisted, giving her a glare. “You heard what I said. No more splitting up.”

“I’m with Klaus.” Nick said shakily. “We go together or not at all.”

The Baudelaires looked to each other as the door pounded harder- someone must have been battering something against it. Then Lilac shut her eyes to stop her tears and nodded, holding out her hand for Violet. Violet grabbed it and Lilac pulled her into a tight embrace as their other siblings joined in.

Then Lilac tied the rubber bands around them, and said, “I love you.”

“Let’s go.” Nick said quietly.

“Not ready.” Solitude said, surprising Nick by shaking and leaning against him.

“If we wait until we’re ready,” Violet said quietly, “We’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”

They jumped as they heard the door burst open, and they turned to see the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender rushing in, followed by several Volunteers Fighting Disease.

“Jump!” Lilac shouted, and together, they all leapt out the window.

They fell for only a few seconds, but it felt much longer. They screamed and held onto each other as they saw smoke rising out of the hospital, felt heat on their backs, and heard the screams of people below them, running out to the safety of the lawn.

And then they stopped falling, bouncing slightly, only a few inches from the ground.

“Oh, thank fuck.” Klaus said, as Sunny leaned over and bit the cord, sending them all the way to the dirt path.

“We have to get out of here.” Lilac said, putting an arm around Violet. “We’ll hotwire a car-”

Nick’s eyes widened and, wordlessly, he pushed his siblings behind a bush. They ducked down, and looked over to see Olaf’s car in the parking lot. Olaf was waiting outside, dressed as a doctor and looking very cross. “Everyone get in!” he shouted. “We’re leaving!”

Nick started to tremble, grabbing onto Lilac’s arm, and then Violet whispered, “We have to go with him.”

“Excuse me?” Lilac said, shocked.

Violet shut her eyes. “We don’t know where we’re going or what we’re doing. He does. Wherever he goes, we’ll find VFD.”

“Violet-” Klaus began.

“He took our only clue.” Violet said. “Our only clue to if one of our parents is alive.”

They fell silent, watching as Olaf got into his car. The trunk was still slightly open. “We could fit in that.” Lilac ceded. “If we squish. But we can’t go with him!”

“We can’t just wander the Hinterlands, hoping answers will come to us.” Klaus said, grabbing Violet’s hand. “I’m with Vi. We need to solve this.”

Nick leaned against Lilac, still shaking a little, and finally, she nodded.

“We’ll need to run.” she said. “Me and Vi’ll go in first, then the rest of you, put the toddlers on top.”

They nodded, and Nick clung harder onto her arm as they took off running, hoping the crowd that evacuated the hospital didn’t notice them. Lilac reached the trunk first, throwing it open more as Klaus helped Violet in.

They could hear the henchpeople talking as they started climbing inside. “But we can’t leave you-know-who!”

“They didn’t come out in time, it’s not our fault.” Olaf growled.

“This is horrible.” Esme whined, and Nick shook as he climbed in, squeezing beside Lilac. “The sugar bowl was supposed to be here, but it wasn’t _anywhere!_ We were supposed to get one of those brats, but they got out _again!”_

“It’s worse than that.” Olaf said, as Klaus climbed in and Solitude settled inbetween Lilac and Nick.

“How could it possibly be worse?”

“I saw part of that film before the projector caught fire.” Olaf growled, as Violet sat up to pull the trunk shut, thankful there were several holes in it they could breathe through. “One of the Baudelaire parents may still be alive.”

When they shut the trunk, they couldn’t hear any more, both because of the muted noise and because Olaf started to drive the car away.

And also because suddenly Nick started to shake, eyes going wide, and he said, “No.”

“Nick? Are you okay?” Violet asked, barely able to see him over Klaus and Sunny.

“Nick?” Solitude looked up.

“No.” Nick muttered, suddenly breathing very fast. “I have to get out.”

“Nick, no, the car’s already moving-” Lilac began.

“I have to _get out!”_ Nick didn’t seem to hear her. “We have to _get out! Let me out!”_

“Nick, no!” Lilac shouted, as he made a jump for the trunk lid.

“Nick!” Klaus grabbed onto his brother, pulling him back down.

That was apparently a bad idea, as Nick started screaming and thrashing around, trying to break his twin’s grip. “No! _Let go! Don’t touch me! Let me out!”_

“Nick, please, they’re gonna hear us!” Violet pleaded, as Sunny put her hands over her ears and Solitude started to cry.

 _“Let me out! Don’t touch me! Don’t_ touch me! _Let me out!”_

Lilac jumped forwards and shoved her hand over Nick’s mouth, apologizing as much as she could. Nick still didn’t seem to hear her, instead moving harder, kicking and trying to bite her hand as Klaus struggled to hold him down. Solitude managed to scoot away slightly, still crying, and Lilac said, “I’m sorry! Nick, you have to be quiet!”

Nick kept kicking and trying to scream, desperately trying to push away from his siblings. And then, after a minute, he collapsed, all his fight completely going out of him. He stopped screaming, only moving just enough to breathe, and then he started to cry. His siblings stared at him, horrified, and then Lilac slowly moved her hand from his mouth, and Klaus released him. He didn’t even seem to notice; he just curled up as best he could, burying his face in his hands and sobbing.

Slowly, Solitude crept back and leaned against him, and Babbitt leapt from her shoulder to his, chirping a little. Lilac carefully put her arm around him, letting him cry into her shoulder, and then Klaus hugged him, and Sunny and Violet crawled over and tried to reach far enough to put their hands on him, to let him know they were there.

And as they laid in Olaf’s trunk for a very long time, all they could do was hold each other and hope for the best.


	28. in which the Baudelaires visit a Carnival

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**

_ in which the Baudelaires visit a Carnival _

 

Once again, nobody was sure if Nick slept at all. When they all awoke, still in the trunk, Nick was still softly crying, and Lilac held him and sung a little. He leaned against her, shaking and muttering, “I need out. Let me out. Let me  _ out.”  _

“Soon. Really soon.” Lilac promised, starting to cry herself. “You’re not trapped anymore. Nobody’s going to hurt you.” 

Nick didn’t respond, even when Solitude hugged him and let out a comforting hum, prompting Lilac to sing again, trying to soothe him a little. 

Violet and Klaus were curled up together, Sunny inbetween them. When Lilac paused, Violet said, “How are we getting out of here?” 

“We’ll have to hope they don’t open the trunk right away.” Lilac sighed. 

“Where are we going?” Soli asked. 

“I don’t know.” Lilac said. “I don’t know anything. This… this was a bad plan.” 

“It wasn’t.” Violet said, still shaking. “Soon as- fuck.” 

The car parked, and the siblings all huddled together. Solitude patted her pocket to make sure Babbitt was still there, and Sunny growled, prepared to throw herself at someone and bite them should they open the trunk. Nick tried to quiet his crying, but he didn’t succeed very well. 

“Does this mean we’re here?” the Hook-Handed Man asked. 

“Of course we’re here!” Olaf snapped. “Look outside, this is  _ clearly _ Caligari Carnival!” 

The Baudelaires heard doors opening, and the Bald Man said, “Do you think she can tell us where the Baudelaires are now?” 

“She knows every time we ask.” Olaf said. 

“I don’t know, Olaf.” Esme sighed. “I don’t like her.” 

“You don’t like any woman I talk to.” 

“Where is she, anyway? Shouldn’t she come to greet us?” 

“She’ll be in her caravan, Esme. Like always.” 

“Should we get the wine out of the trunk, boss?” one of the white-faced women asked, and the Baudelaires froze. 

“No,” Count Olaf said, “Madame Lulu always has something for us. Hurry it up, we haven’t got all night.” 

The Baudelaires remained very quiet, listening to Olaf’s troupe walk away. When they stopped hearing footsteps, Sunny said, “Merrill,” which meant something like,  _ “We’d better get out of this trunk.”  _

Lilac nodded and pushed it open, and Nick immediately scrambled out, running a little ways past the car and hugging himself, taking deep breaths and staring up at the sky. The other Baudelaires slowly emerged, with Lilac and Klaus stopping to help Solitude and Sunny onto the floor, and Solitude quickly placing Babbitt on the ground so the frog could go pee somewhere. 

Babbitt hopped away, and the siblings glanced around. They were parked beside a faded sign that read  _ Caligari Carnival,  _ and behind the sign was an abandoned ticket booth and a small telephone booth, beyond which was just the endless stretch of the Hinterlands. In the distance was a large but broken-looking roller coaster, and several caravans, with one large tent in the middle. 

To their surprise, the closest caravan had the Eye painted onto the side. 

“VFD.” Nick said nervously, and Solitude walked over to him, holding up her arms so he could pick him up. 

“What?” Klaus asked. 

“The Eye. VFD.” Nick said. 

“What do you mean,” Violet said, “The Eye is VFD?” 

“Look.” Nick walked slightly towards the caravan, and his siblings quickly followed. He held out a finger, tracing lines. “See the slope here? That’s the V. Here’s the F-” 

“D.” Sunny said, pointing to the pupil. 

“The Eye is VFD?” Violet asked. 

Nick nodded, and then he completely froze over as they heard a burst of laughter from the caravan. 

“Well.” Lilac said shakily. “We found the troupe.” 

Without another word, Violet and Klaus crept to the caravan door, kneeling down to listen. Sunny quickly followed, and soon their siblings joined them, though Nick really wished he was anywhere else. 

“I am thrilled, please, to see you, my Olaf.” said a woman’s voice. “Welcome to the caravan of mine. How is life for you?” 

“We’ve been swamped at work, Madame Lulu.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “Those orphans have been very difficult to keep in one place for a long time.” 

“Well, one time, we got that one boy to stop running and backtalking,” Esme said with a wicked laugh, and Nick slowly started to back away, “Didn’t take long to break him, did it?” 

“Yes,” said Olaf, “If it wasn’t for his bratty siblings, the Baudelaire fortune would be as good as ours.” 

“Oh, do not worry, my Olaf,” said the woman who must have been Madame Lulu. “My crystal ball tells me that my Olaf will prevail.” 

“And when exactly is that?” Esme asked sharply. 

“Very soon, please.” replied Madame Lulu. “What gifts have you brought me, my Olaf?” 

Violet shivered in the cold air, wrapping her arms around herself; she still only wore the hospital gown. Klaus quickly took his jacket, wrapping it over her shoulders. 

“Well,” Olaf said, “You can have this pearl necklace I stole from a nurse at Heimlich Hospital.” 

“Very good!” Lulu said. “More wine, my Olaf?” 

“Of course.” Olaf said. “But we need your skills right now, Lulu.” 

“The Baudelaire brats slipped away again,” said the Bald Man, “And the boss was hoping you’d be able to tell us where they went.” 

“And where the Sugar Bowl is,” Esme said, and Nick flinched and backed away more. 

“And, just as importantly,” Olaf said, “We need to know if one of the Baudelaire parents survived the fire.” 

“You know the rules of crystal ball, my Olaf.” Lulu said, in almost a whine. “At night, the crystal ball must be sleeping in the fortune-telling tent, and at sunrise you may ask one question.” 

“Then I’ll ask my first question in the morning,” Olaf said, “And we’ll stay until all our questions are answered.” 

“Oh, my Olaf,” Madame Lulu said, “Times are very hard for Caligari Carnival. Not many people come  to see Madame Lulu or crystal ball, the gift caravan has lousy souvenirs, and there are not enough freaks, please, in the House of Freaks. Madame Lulu has no money, please, and it is hard to do fortune-telling when Madame Lulu is so poor.” 

“Once we get the Baudelaire fortune,” Olaf said, “You’ll have plenty of money.” 

“You said that about the Quagmire fortune, my Olaf,” Madame Lulu sighed, “And the Snicket fortune, and the-” 

“Yes, we get it.” Esme groaned. 

“We must think, please,” Lulu said, “Of something to make Caligari Carnival more popular. Madame Lulu was hoping that the troupe of my Olaf could put on a big show. Many people would come to see.” 

“The boss can’t get up on stage.” said a white-faced woman. “He’s supposed to be dead.” 

“Yes, and Lulu,” Olaf said, “Surely money isn’t important for fortune-telling.” 

“Surely it is, my Olaf.” 

“Oh, but Madame Lulu, what if we told you-” 

Nick leapt to his feet and ran. 

His siblings quickly jumped up and followed him, with Violet pulling Klaus’s coat over herself. Nick stopped by the phone booth, leaning against it and shutting his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. 

“Nick, are you alright?” Lilac asked. 

Nick shook his head, looking on the verge of a panic attack. 

“We need to leave.” Klaus said. “But I don’t know where we can go in the Hinterlands. There’s nothing for miles, we could die of thirst or get attacked by wild animals.” 

“Steal Olaf’s car.” suggested Solitude. 

“I’ll drive!” Sunny cheered. 

“No, we’d run out of gas eventually.” Violet said. “And even if we go anywhere, we’re murderers, remember?” 

“And Madame Lulu said she’d help him find us.” Lilac said. 

“I don’t know.” Klaus said. “I’ve never read any evidence that fortune-telling is real.” 

“But if Madame Lulu keeps knowing where we are…” Violet said. 

Slowly, Nick pulled away from his siblings, and said, “We could try calling someone.” 

“Who would we call?” Lilac asked. 

“Mr Poe?” Violet suggested. “Jerome?” 

“Jerome might listen to us.” Klaus agreed. 

Lilac moved into the phone booth, picking it up. “Operator?” she asked, and her siblings crept closer to listen. “Can you connect me to Jerome Squalor?” 

They heard a distant, bored voice say, “Please put proper money into the machine.” 

“We haven’t got money.” Lilac said. “But it’s an emergency.” 

“Please state the nature of your emergency.” 

“I’m trapped in the Hinterlands with my siblings and a man who wants to torture and kill us,” Lilac said, “But he faked his own death and blamed us so that everyone would think we were criminals and we wouldn’t have anyone to go to for help. He’s already tried to kidnap my brother and sister, and he’s tried to hypnotize my brother and locked my baby sisters in a cage. We need  _ someone _ to help us, before he finds out we’re here and does something worse. Please,  _ help us.”  _

There was no response. Lilac waited a long moment, and then screamed with frustration and slammed the phone back into the receiver. 

“Li?” Sunny asked. 

Lilac took a few breaths, and then said, “We’re on our own. We can steal the car, I’ll figure out how to make it move without gas, if we run out.” 

“But, Li,” Violet said quietly. 

“What?” 

Violet bit her lip. “If she can find out if one of our parents is alive…” 

They fell silent, and then Solitude said, “We stay.” 

“Where could we hide all night?” Lilac asked. “The people in those other caravans work for Madame Lulu, they probably wouldn’t help us.” 

Nick clenched his fists, and then said, “We could steal Olaf’s disguises.” 

“What?” Lilac jumped. 

“All his costumes are in the trunk.” Nick said. “That’s what we were sitting on. She… she said she needed more… more freaks. We can be freaks.” 

“Gabrowha?” Sunny asked. 

“Why wouldn’t it work?” Violet replied to her, nodding at Nick. “Olaf fools everyone with his disguises, and if Madame Lulu thinks we’re somebody else, we can stay and find some answers.” 

“It seems risky,” Klaus said, “But we do need to stay.” 

Solitude hugged Nick’s leg. “I’m in.” she said. 

Lilac glanced between her siblings, and then sighed. “Alright. What does he have?” 

They moved over to the trunk, opening it. Klaus and Violet started digging though, their faces falling whenever they noticed a costume they recognized. But there were plenty of items they’d never seen before, as well. 

“We could try to be a clown.” Violet said, picking up a wig. 

“You know any tricks?” Lilac asked. Violet shook her head. 

“I found a makeup kit.” Klaus said. “That’ll be useful.” 

“Look at how big this robe is.” Lilac said, picking it up. “Two people could fit in that.” 

Klaus considered. “Not a bad idea, Li.” 

“What?” 

Klaus turned to Nick, who was staring out into the distance of the Hinterlands, almost as if he recognized it. “I, um, know you’re not doing great with small spaces, but what if we both wore the robe and said we were a two-headed person?” 

Nick considered, and then shrugged. 

“And then, well,” Klaus said, “If you… if you get scared in front of them, I’ll be right here.” 

Nick slowly nodded, and then Klaus took the robe from Lilac. 

Solitude peered into the trunk, and asked, “What do freaks do?” 

“Well,” Lilac said carefully, “Sometimes people are born different, and rude people think it’s fun to pay money to go stare at them.” 

“Awful.” Solitude said. 

“It is.” Lilac nodded. “But we’re going to have to deal with it until we get our answers, and then we’ll figure out what to do.” 

“I could use the makeup on myself.” Violet said. “Mother taught me how to apply fake scars to myself, when she appeared in that play about the murderer. And she taught me how to apply burn scars, and-” 

“Scales?” Solitude asked, looking up at her. 

“Yes, actually.” Violet said. 

Solitude pulled a box from the trunk, opening it to see a lot of very real-looking rubber snakes- probably intended to use to scare anyone who was scared of such things- and said, “Medusa.” 

“You want to be a gorgon?” Klaus asked. “You can’t turn things to stone.” 

“We could say she’s defective.” Nick said carefully, once again turning towards the Hinterlands in confusion. “She’s a freak even to the other gorgons.” 

Sunny pulled another wig out, and said, “Lupa,” which meant,  _ “I could probably wrap this around myself and look like a baby wolf.”  _

“You could be a werewolf.” Klaus suggested. 

Sunny considered. “Half-wolf?” 

“I mean, sure.” Klaus said. 

“I found some talcum powder.” Lilac said, pulling a can out of the trunk. “For those of us who don’t use wigs, we could whiten our hair.” 

“Oh,” Violet said, “I think I see a ginger wig, I could use…” she froze, then, staring down into the bottom of the trunk. 

“Vi?” Lilac asked. “Are you okay?” 

Slowly, Violet reached into the trunk, and pulled out her ribbon. 

They all stared for a while, and then Violet said, “He must’ve… he must’ve kept this. When he was… was prepping me for surgery. I… I wonder if my clothes are here, too.” 

Lilac and Nick shared a look, and then Lilac picked up a small doll and said, “This dress is about Soli’s size, she could fit if she keeps her clothes on underneath. Klaus, can you help the girls into their costumes while… while the rest of us get what we need?” 

Klaus hesitated, and then nodded. Soli took the doll and grabbed Sunny’s hand, and they followed Klaus over to the phonebooth, where he sat with them to help. 

As soon as the toddlers were out of earshot, Lilac said, “Vi? Listen, I… I need  you to be completely honest with me, no judgement, I won’t cry if-” 

Violet, still staring at her ribbon, said, “No.” 

“What?” 

Violet shook her head. “No, he didn’t… they didn’t… I was unconscious a lot, yes, but I would know, right? And… I was awake when they put the hospital gown on, I tried to kick him and one of the henchpeople shoved it on, so… no. I don’t think… I don’t think  _ that _ happened.” 

“Vi, are you sure?” 

Violet nodded, glancing at Nick, who was staring very hard at the ground and hugging himself. “I wouldn’t lie about… this. He didn’t-” 

“It’s just…” Lilac said. “He’s threatened to- to do that to you before.” 

“I am aware.” Violet growled, and she carefully tied her ribbon around her wrist. “Okay, I’ll take this wig and this long black dress. I can put burn scars on my face, say I got my face burned off in an accident.” 

Lilac bit her lip and nodded, slowly pulling out a big, dark blue shirt. “I could wear this over my dress, if I tie up my skirts, so this’ll just look like a short dress. I know how to make fake tattoos, we can do that all over my skin.” 

“That’ll work, I guess.” Violet said. 

Then, carefully, Nick said, “Vi?” 

“Yeah?” 

Nick opened his mouth, as if to say something, but instead he started to cry again. Violet ran over and hugged him very tight. 

“I’ll be fine.” she whispered. “They didn’t do anything too bad.”

Nick nodded. 

“Will you be okay? Facing them?” 

Nick didn’t answer for a while, as Lilac pretended to ignore them and gathered the last of what they’d need, and then he said, “I’ll be in disguise. And I’ll be with you all.” 

Violet pulled away, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tight. “Come on.” she said. “Let’s go play with makeup.” 


	29. in which Solitude finally morphs into a reptile

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE**

_ in which Solitude finally morphs into a reptile _

 

Soli giggled as Violet’s makeup brush danced across her face. 

“Hold still, this is gonna smudge.” Violet said. 

She had already applied powder to the twins’ faces, and burn scars to her own, and now she was working on Solitude’s scales. Sunny was wrapped up in her fake beard, practicing growls, while Klaus and Nick were applying talcum to their hair to make it look white. Lilac was sitting beside Violet, designing fake, scary-looking tattoos up her arm. Most of the tattoos on her other arm, face and legs had already dried, so she was almost done. She had tied her hair into two buns on the top of her head, after slamming some powder onto it, and she was using her ribbon to tie up her dress underneath the large shirt. 

“There.” Violet sat back, pushing some of the ginger wig out of her face; it was bobbed, but it still got into her eyes a little. “What do you think, Sol?” 

Solitude turned to the phone booth, giggling as she stared at her scaly reflection in the glass. She let out a hiss, and then held out her hand for Babbitt, who leapt onto her shoulder and chirped their approval. 

“Now,” Soli said, picking up the box of snakes, “Braid these in?” 

Violet nodded, moving behind her and starting to braid in the rubber snakes. Nick came over to join her, and he said, “Your makeup looks good. You… look like you’ve actually been burned.” 

“That’s good, I guess.” Violet sighed. “You and Klaus look unrecognizable.” She turned to her other brother, who was helping Lilac, and called, “Are you sure you don’t want your glasses?” 

“I’ll be fine if I squint.” Klaus said. “I won’t be able to read, but… well, I won’t bump into anything.” 

“I can be your eyes.” Nick said. “If you and Soli’ll be my emotional support.” 

Solitude nodded and hissed again, trying to imitate a rattlesnake; she was doing pretty well. 

“I think we’ve got the snakes.” Violet said, and she and Klaus scooted away from Soli, who once again checked her reflection in the telephone booth. “What do you think?” 

Solitude hissed again and shook her head, which caused the snakes to bounce. She giggled and clapped, and then said, “Love it! Good snakes! Babbitt, make chirp?” Babbitt chirped, and Soli said, “Can you do it when I…” she tapped on the frog’s head, and in response, Babbitt chirped again. “Good Babbitt! Smart Babbitt!”

“Babbitt can hide in your pocket.” Lilac said, blowing on the black rose design she’d just painted. “Boys, do you think you can walk with one leg?” 

“We’ll be fine.” Klaus said. “Just try to avoid washing off your makeup, or letting it peel. Same with you, Vi.” 

“I’ll be fine.” Violet said. “Sunny, you think you can be a wolf puppy?” 

Sunny growled. 

“Alright, then.” Violet said. 

“Are we sure we want to do this?” Lilac asked, staring down at her painted skin. “Freakshows are awful, horrible places, and it’s likely we… well, we won’t have a great time.” 

“What choice do we have?” Violet said. 

Nick slowly slid his hand into Klaus’s, and he said, “We’d better hurry.” 

“What’s the rush?” Klaus said, staring at Sunny, who was rolling around in the dirt. 

“Well, if they…” Nick shut his eyes. “We just… better get there before they drink too much, that’s all.” 

“Why-?” Soli asked, looking confused. 

“Hey, hey!” Nick forced a smile on his face. “You’re a snake now, remember? Hissing only.” 

Soli beamed and giggled, and then hissed like a cobra. 

“Alright, get into costume.” Lilac said, and hesitantly, Klaus and Nick struggled to get into one shirt. “Now, be careful, and if anything goes wrong, I’ll-” 

“If anything goes wrong,” Violet interrupted, standing up and grabbing Soli’s hand, “We’ll deal with it together.” 

Lilac hesitantly nodded, and then she grabbed Violet’s other hand. “Let’s… let’s go in for a job interview, huh?”  

They stared at each other, and then Klaus and Nick stepped forwards, stumbling slightly as they tried to get used to walking with one leg each. Sunny crawled forwards, still practicing her barks, and Solitude toddled around, hissing to herself. 

They made it back over to the caravan, and Lilac took a deep breath, before knocking on the door. 

“Now, remember,” Violet said to her, “Stay in character. You’re a punk.” 

“Why didn’t you be the punk?” 

“Shut up.” 

The door opened, and everyone immediately straightened up and did their best not to look scared- which was quite easy for Solitude and Sunny, who were 100% convinced that this was the best plan ever. 

The children found themselves face-to-face with Count Olaf, and for a moment, none of them could breathe. 

Then Lilac took a deep breath, put a hand on her hip, and said, “You nerds still hiring?” 

For a moment, they thought none of it had worked; Olaf just gave them a stare, and then a wicked smile. 

Then, to their relief, he said, “Why, Madame Lulu! I believe some freaks have arrived for you!” 

Nick shook slightly, grabbing onto Klaus’s hand under the shirt. Klaus squeezed it as they heard Madame Lulu call, “Oh! Well, please, allow them in, please!” 

Lilac, both because she wanted to stay in character and because she was very sick of his shit, immediately pushed past Olaf, walking into the caravan as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Violet nervously followed, putting a hand over her false burn as if she was ashamed of it. Solitude and Sunny managed to crawl in, and then came Nick and Klaus, once Olaf had moved farther back inside. The caravan had become a bit crowded by this point, but at least everyone could get a decent look at each other. 

The troupe looked a bit tipsy, and the siblings who thought to look around counted several empty bottles scattered around the floor. When Count Olaf sat back down, Esme flopped her head onto his shoulder, giggling slightly, while the other henchpeople and Lulu just scanned the Baudelaires. 

“Well, they certainly seem freakish.” said the Bald Man. 

“Horrific.” said a White-Faced Woman. 

“Ghastly.” said the other White-Faced Woman. 

Solitude hissed, and Klaus said, “We can hear you.” 

“Well, you came to get hired for a freakshow,” Esme said, “What did you expect?” 

“To get hired.” Lilac said, rolling her eyes. 

“Well, then,” Lulu said, stepping forwards and looking a bit confused, “What exactly  _ are _ you, please?” 

“You can call me Babydoll.” Lilac said. She held out her arms. “My parents were tattoo artists and practiced on me, til they died.” 

“Oh, in a fire?” asked the Hook-Handed Man. 

Lilac shook her head. “They fell into a river and drowned.” 

“Oh, how’d that happen?” asked a White-Faced Woman. 

Lilac smirked, enjoying herself immensely. “I got sick of their shit and tied rocks to their boots.” 

Surprisingly, the henchpeople looked a little startled at that, as did Lulu, but Esme laughed. “Sounds like my kind of girl!” she said. “I drowned an ex once. So did you, dear, right?” 

Olaf was taking another swig of wine, so they couldn’t exactly see his reaction. 

“Who’s that, then?” Esme asked, pointing to Violet, who’d been petting Sunny. She flinched and jumped to her feet. “Oh, Egad, what the hell happened to her face?” 

Violet flinched again, trying to look shy. She said, only just loud enough to be heard, “I’m Beverly. My… um, my face burned off in an accident.” 

“Yeah.” Lilac said, walking over and leaning onto Violet’s shoulder. “She was a kid, see, and her bro was playing with matches. Like we all do.” 

The troupe nodded. “Yes, of course.” Olaf said. 

“So, well, you can guess what happened.” Lilac shrugged. “Those losers over there,” she gestured to Nick and Klaus, “Are conjoined twins.” 

“That means we were born stuck together.” Klaus said. 

“We know what ‘conjoined twins’ are.” said a White-Faced Woman. 

“Well, I’m Elliot,” Klaus said, “And this is my other head, Janus.” 

“Nice to meet you.” Nick said, very quietly. 

“And that down there,” Lilac said, pointing her thumb at Solitude, “Is our little pet gorgon. We call ‘er Euryale, cause her actual name is just a buncha hisses.” 

Solitude giggled and let out a pretty good imitation of the Mamba du Mal, shaking her head so the rubber snakes looked like they were moving. 

“See, it’s whatever that is.” Lilac said, as the troupe nervously scooted away from her. 

“I thought gorgons were a myth.” Olaf said. “Like Giuseppe Verdi and Dewey Denouement.” 

“Giuseppe Verdi is an Italian composer.” Klaus said without thinking. 

“No one asked you, freak.” Olaf said. 

Lilac quickly interrupted. “Well, yeah, we thought they were fake and all, but she came outta the woods with snake hair. Apparently the other gorgons think she’s a freak, too, cause she can’t turn people to stone. She can just look weird and make snake calls. All her snakes have names, too, but you don’t care, course.” 

“Of course.” Olaf said. 

“What’s that one?” asked the Hook-Handed Man, pointing a hook at Sunny. In response, she growled and jumped forwards, attempting to bite. He jumped back, startled. 

“That’s Chabo the wolf baby.” Violet said. 

“Her mother was a hunter and her father was a wolf she fell in love with.” Klaus added. 

“I didn’t even know that was possible.” said the Bald Man. 

“She bites and scratches a lot.” Lilac said. “These idiots learned that pretty quick, isn’t that right?” 

“Please don’t remind us.” Violet said. 

“Only person she doesn’t mess with is Euryale,” Lilac explained, “Cause her snakes bite. They ain’t poisonous, but they sure do hurt.” 

Solitude hissed and shook her head, and then she poked her pocket, and Babbitt let out a loud chirp to add to the noise. 

“Anyway, we don’t ask much for payment and shit.” Lilac said, rolling her eyes again. “We just need a place to sleep. And probably food. Chabo really tears her meat apart.” 

“She can do that in front of an audience, please.” Lulu said. “People love seeing sloppy eaters, and we must always give the people what they want.” 

“Oh, hey, the two-headed freak can eat something, too.” Olaf said. He grabbed an ear of corn and tossed it at Klaus and Nick. Nick flinched, so Klaus managed to catch it. “Eat this!” 

Klaus and Nick shared a look, and then both struggled to push the ear of corn towards one of their mouths. 

The troupe laughed, and the Baudelaires pretended not to be disgusted. 

“So? Are we hired or not?” Lilac asked, still trying not to break character. 

Lulu shrugged. “Madame Lulu does not see why not, please, so long as you can all fit into the freaks’ caravan, please. Go find it, please, while my Olaf and I talk about our act for tomorrow.” 

“Whatever you say, boss girl.” Lilac said. She grabbed Violet’s arm and said, “Come on, Bev, move your sorry ass.” 

“Okay, okay.” Violet muttered, snapping her fingers to signal the toddlers to follow her. 

The second they were all out of the caravan, Klaus said, “That was humiliating.” 

“That was awful.” Nick shuddered. 

“Why did we decide this was my character again?” Lilac asked. 

“I dunno,” Violet said, ripping herself away from Lilac’s grip, “I think you’re enjoying this a bit.” 

“I am!” Sunny said. 

“Chabo, only barks.” Klaus reminded her. 

“Bark!” Sunny said, which meant,  _ “I am!”  _

“Hiss!” said Soli. 

“Okay, well, that worked better than expected. Let’s focus on that.” Lilac said. “Now we find the freaks’ caravan, sleep there, and figure out what Lulu tells Olaf tomorrow.” 

“What if she tells him we’re here?” Violet asked. 

“Then we set Chabo on the entire troupe.” Klaus suggested. 

“You know,” Nick said, “I don’t need to sleep, I could spy on Lulu-” 

“No, no.” Lilac said. “First of all, no. Second of all, you’re attached to Klaus, so double no.” 

“But-” Nick began. 

“Can we just find the caravan?” Violet asked. “It’s cold out here.” 

Lilac sighed. “Yeah, sure. Come on, let’s go meet our new roommates.” 

 

They finally managed to find the caravan that had been painted with the words  _ House of Freaks  _ on the side, and Lilac found the door, knocking gently. “Hello?” she called.

“Stay in character.” Violet muttered. 

The door swung open before Lilac could retort, and they looked up to see a tired-looking man with a hunchback. He was holding a candle to help him see in the dark, and he said, “Oh, excuse me. Who are you?” 

“We’re your new roomies.” Lilac said. 

“Um, we’re the new freaks.” Violet said, trying once again to sound shy. “Madame Lulu told us to come here.” 

“Oh!” said the hunchback, and he smiled. “Well, it certainly is nice to make new friends! Come on inside! I’m Hugo.” 

“Babydoll.” Lilac said, walking in and trying not to be too rude or too polite. 

“Um, I’m Beverly.” Violet said, following her closely. 

“I’m Janus,” Nick said, “And this is my other head, Elliot.” 

“Those are Euryale the Gorgon and Chabo the Wolf Baby.” Klaus said, as they all made their way inside. 

“Wow! We got a lot at once!” Hugo said. “How did you all find each other?” 

“It’s a long story that nobody cares about.” Lilac said, sitting on a table and glancing around the caravan, which she was surprised to see was very tidy. “Who’re all you, then?” 

Violet and Sunny leaned against a small stove, and Nick and Klaus stumbled to a collection of potted plants. Solitude, meanwhile, wandered over to a large collection of hammocks, two of which were filled. A woman peered down at them and said, “Oh! New coworkers!” She jumped down, pushing on another hammock. “Kevin, get up! New friends!” 

A man groaned and sat up. “Why’d you wake me up, Colette? I was having a dream that there was nothing wrong with me.” He glanced at Klaus and Nick and said, “Egad, you two have it as bad as I do!” 

“Be polite, Kevin.” Hugo said. “These are… I’m sorry, what are your names again?” 

Lilac groaned. “I’m Babydoll, the tattooed teen. That’s Beverly the burned.” 

Violet waved awkwardly, gesturing to her scar. 

“That’s Elliot and Janus, the two-headed freak.” Lilac said. “The little gorgon who went to say hello to you is Euryale, and at Bev’s feet is Chabo the Wolf Baby.” 

“Wow. A wolf baby!” said Colette. 

“Is she dangerous?” asked Kevin. 

“She doesn’t like to be teased.” Nick warned. 

“Neither do I.” Kevin said. “But wherever I go, I hear people whispering, ‘There goes Kevin, the ambidextrous freak.’” 

“Ambidextrous?” Klaus asked. “Doesn’t that just mean you’re both right and left-handed?” 

“Ah, so you’ve heard of me.” Kevin said. “Did you come all the way to the Hinterlands to laugh at the ambidextrous freak?” 

“No.” Klaus said quickly. “I just learned the word from a book.” 

“I figured you’d be smart.” Hugo said. “After all, you’ve got two brains.” 

“Yes, that’s much more useful than what I have.” Colette said sadly. “I’m Colette, and if you’re going to laugh at me, I’ d prefer you to it now and get it over with.” 

“Why would we laugh?” Violet asked, confused. 

“Well, I’m a contortionist.” Colette said. “I can bend my body into all sorts of unusual positions. Look.” 

She sighed and then bent her head down between her legs, then curled up into a tiny ball on the floor. She pushed one hand against the ground, lifting her body up on just a few fingers, braiding her hair into a spiral. Then she flipped into the air, balanced on her head, and then twisted her arms and legs together. 

“Wow!” Sunny shrieked. 

“That’s amazing.” Violet said. “Chabo thinks so, too.” 

“That’s very polite of you to say,” Colette said, moving back to sit normally, “But I’m very ashamed of being a contortionist.” 

“If you’re ashamed of it,” Nick asked, “Why don’t you just move your body normally, instead of doing contortions?” 

“Because I’m in the House of Freaks.” Colette shrugged. “Nobody would pay to see me move normally.” 

“It’s an interesting dilemma,” Hugo said. “All three of us would rather be normal people than freaks, but tomorrow morning, people will be waiting in the tent to see us all act in unnatural and strange ways. Madame Lulu says we must always give people what they want, and they want freaks performing on a stage.” 

“Maybe what they want is wrong.” Lilac said, her voice growing soft. “Maybe you deserve better.” 

“Well,” Colette said, “Maybe tomorrow a miracle will happen and we’ll all get the things we wish for most.” 

Under their shirt, Klaus grabbed Nick’s hand, and Sunny leaned against Violet as Solitude sat and patted her pocket. “We all can hope.” was all Lilac said. 

 

“Wake up! Wake up!” 

“Son of a bitch.” Klaus muttered, as they heard the sound of metal pots banging together. 

“Not again…” Violet groaned, sitting up and quickly checking her makeup in the mirror, pleased to see it remained. 

Hugo and Kevin had set up hammocks for them, and though it was still a bit crowded, they’d all been able to sleep a little. Solitude slept at Klaus and Nick’s feet, Babbitt hiding under a pillow, and Sunny slept beside Violet, who now carried her to the ground as she growled. 

“That must be one of the Count’s friends.” said Kevin, jumping down from his bunk. 

“The Count?” Lilac asked, acting curious as she made sure Klaus and Nick got down okay. 

“Yes, Count Olaf. He stops by to see Madame Lulu a lot.” Hugo said. “Why, last time he was here, he had-” 

The door opened, and the Hook-Handed Man peered in, looking very cross. “Wake up!” he shouted. “Wake up and hurry up! I’m in a very bad mood and have no time for your nonsense. Madame Lulu and Count Olaf are running errands, I’m in charge of the House of Freaks, the crystal ball revealed that one of those blasted Baudelaire parents is still alive, and the gift caravan is almost out of figurines!” 

The Baudelaires froze. “What did you say?” Lilac said, breathless. 

‘I said the gift caravan is almost out of figurines.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “But that’s not your concern. Be ready in fifteen minutes!” 


	30. in which the Baudelaires put on a show

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

_ in which the Baudelaires put on a show _

 

“Wait, sir!” Violet said, racing forwards. “Did you say one of the Baudelaire parents is alive?” 

The Hook-Handed Man gave her a curious look. “What do you care, freaks?” 

“Well,” they were surprised when Nick spoke up, only looking a little concerned, “We’ve been reading about the Baudelaires in  _ The Daily Punctilio.  _ We’re very interested in their case.” 

“Well,” the Hook-Handed Man said, “Those kids’ parents were supposed to be dead, but Madame Lulu looked into her crystal ball and saw that one of them was alive. It’s a long story, but it means we’re all going to be very busy. Count Olaf and Madame Lulu left me in charge of the House of Freaks while they’re gone, which means I get to boss you around, so hurry up!” 

Sunny growled and Solitude hissed, subtly sliding Babbitt into her pocket and shaking her head. 

“Chabo and Euryale are all set to perform.” Lilac said, and then she put her hand on her hip, remembering her character. “The rest of us’ll be ready eventually.” 

“You’ll be ready  _ now.”  _ the Hook-Handed Man said. “Come on! People want to see the freaks!” 

He left, closing the door, and Hugo said, “Well, we better hurry up. We must always give people what they want, and that man wants us ready right away.” 

“We’ll help Euryale feed her snakes.” Lilac said. “She’s very good at catching bugs for them. Come on, Eur.” 

“Hiss!” hissed Soli, and the Baudelaires moved to the corner. 

“Do you think it’s possible?” Klaus whispered. “Do you think one of our parents is alive?” 

“I don’t know.” Violet said, picking up Sunny. “On one hand, it’s hard to believe Madame Lulu really has a magic crystal ball. But on the other, if she really did tell Olaf where we were every time…” 

“Do you think the Hook-Handed Man could’ve been lying?” Lilac asked. “To see if we reacted? Maybe they’re suspicious of us.” 

“He’s not much of a liar.” Nick said, staring hard at the ground. “Of all the henchpeople, he was… probably the nicest. He actually taught Isadora and me some poetry once while he was guarding. He sucks at lying, too, so Duncan could find out some stuff from him.” 

Klaus gripped his hand again, and Lilac said, “That doesn’t mean Madame Lulu’s crystal ball works.” 

“Tent.” Solitude said, grabbing onto Nick’s leg. 

“You’re right, Sunny.” Violet said. “We’ll need to break into her tent after the show, while she’s still gone.” 

“What are you all whispering about?” Kevin asked. “Are you talking about how freakish we all are?” 

“No.” Lilac said, turning around and rolling her eyes. “We were just talking about Madame Lulu’s crystal ball. It sounds wild. Do you actually believe in this fortune-teller shit?” 

“Well, Madame Lulu wants people to believe it,” Colette said, “So why shouldn’t we?”  

Hugo grabbed a coat off of a rack and said, “We should probably get out there. We want to put on a good show, don’t we?” 

“Debatable.” Sunny said. 

“What’d Chabo say?” Colette asked. 

Quickly, Klaus said, “She didn’t say anything. She just yipped.” 

Sunny smiled and yipped, and then they all made their way out of the caravan. Their coworkers led them to a large tent with the  _ House of Freaks  _ label, where the Hook-Handed Man stood with Esme; both of them looked very impatient. 

“Get inside and put on a good show!” said the Hook-Handed Man. 

“Or I’m allowed to use this on you!” Esme said, holding out something long and damp. “It’s a tagliatelle grande.” 

“What’s a tagliatelle grande?” Colette asked. 

“It’s an italian noodle.” Klaus said, gripping very tightly onto Nick’s hand as his brother tried very hard not to freeze up. 

“That’s right, freak!” Esme said. “If you don’t give the people what they want, I’m allowed to hit you with the tagliatelle grande, which I’ve heard is an unpleasant and somewhat sticky experience.” 

“Don’t worry, ma’am.” Hugo said. “We’re professionals.” 

“Good.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “Now get in and put on a show, freaks.” 

The group made their way into the tent, where there was quite a lot of space. A small wooden stage was in the center, with a few folding chairs placed on it, underneath a banner that read  _ House of Freaks.  _ The White-Faced Woman were in the corner selling beverages, and there were about seven or eight people walking around and waiting for the show. 

The Hook-Handed Man pushed past them, starting to speak as the coworkers rushed towards the stage. 

“Esteemed audience!” he shouted. “Hurry up and buy your delicious cold beverages, because the House of Freaks show is about to begin!” 

“These beverages are warm.” said a confused woman, as the Baudelaires slowly found their own seats; Chabo and Euryale were made to sit on the floor. 

“Wow, look at that feak!” giggled a man. “He’s got hooks instead of hands!” 

“I’m not one of the freaks, I work here at the carnival!” said the Hook-Handed Man. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” the man said. “But maybe if you had a pair of realistic hands, no one would make that mistake.” 

“It’s rude to comment on other people’s appearances.” said the Hook-Handed Man. “Now, everyone, go mock the freaks! Look at Hugo! Instead of a regular back, he has a big hump that makes him look very freakish!” 

“That’s true!” said someone, and the audience gathered around the stage. 

The show was about as bad as the Baudelaires had expected. Hugo was made to try and put on a coat, struggling to wear one that had definitely not been tailored to fit him as the audience laughed. Then Olaf’s henchman tossed an ear of corn on the stage, and Klaus and Nick struggled to eat it, to everyone’s amusement. Colette was forced to twist her body into unusual shapes, and Soli hissed at the audience and made it look like her snake hair was moving, and Kevin wrote his name with both his left and right hands, and Lilac and Violet showed off their tattoos and burns, and Sunny growled and barked at the audience. 

When the show finished, and the freaks ducked back into their caravan, Violet said, “This place is a shithole.” 

“Agreed.” Lilac huffed, glaring at the ceiling. 

“Shit!” Sunny agreed, from where she sat; she had climbed onto the counter beside the stove, and was looking over the hot chocolate Hugo was preparing. 

“It’s awful.” Klaus said. “I hate being stared and laughed at.” 

“How can people think a burn like this is funny?” Violet asked. “Or Babydoll’s tattoos? Or Janus and Elliot eating an ear of corn?” 

“If people thought dropping an ear of corn was funny,” Nick snapped, “They should stay home and drop it themselves.” 

“Well, if it’s what the people want-” Colette said. 

“Why do you stay here?” Lilac asked. 

“Why don’t you want to stay here?” Kevin asked. “There’s nowhere else for freaks like us to go.” 

“Of course there is.” Violet said. “Lot of people are ambidextrous, Kevin. There are ambidextrous florists and air traffic controllers, and all sorts of things.” 

“You think so?” Kevin asked. 

“Of course.” Klaus said. “And it’s the same with contortionists and hunchbacks.” 

“You could find some job where people didn’t think you were freakish at all.” Lilac added. 

“I’m not sure.” Hugo said from the stove, turning around and carrying a tray of hot chocolate. “I think someone with two heads or an obvious scar would be freakish wherever they go. We’re freaks, whether we like it or not.” 

“But-” Lilac began. 

“Let’s just forget our troubles and play dominoes.” Hugo said, putting the tray down. “This hot chocolate is a little different today. Chabo added some cinnamon.” 

The Baudelaires looked up, surprised. “Chabo added it?” Lilac asked. 

“Yes.” Hugo said. “At first I thought it was a freaky wolf recipe, but it tastes very good.” 

“That was a clever idea, Chabo.” Klaus said, looking down as Sunny crawled over. 

Sunny shrugged. “Amme,” she said, which meant,  _ “It’s simple, it just works well with chocolate flavors. Mint or Coconut would’ve worked, too.”  _

Lilac looked ready to cry, and Violet said, “Thank you, Chabo,” in a very soft voice. 

“You should be proud of yourself.” Hugo agreed. “If you weren’t a freak, Chabo, you could be an excellent chef.” 

“She’ll be an excellent chef anyway.” Nick said, smiling slightly. 

Violet sighed, and then said, “Why don’t we take this hot chocolate outside? I wanted to peek into the gift caravan.” 

“That sounds like a great idea.” Klaus said. “I think Janus and I will accompany you, if Janus doesn’t mind.” 

“I always found hot chocolate to be an outdoor beverage.” Nick said. 

“Well, don’t take too long.” Colette said. “We’re not supposed to wander around the carnival.” 

“We’ll just drink our hot chocolate and come right back.” Violet said. 

“I’ll go with them, to make sure these nerds don’t get into any trouble.” Lilac stood up, stretching. “Come on, Euryale, your snakes can bite them if they wander off.” 

But as they started to leave, they heard a low rumble, and Nick immediately grabbed onto Klaus’s arm and let out a nervous gasp that was, thankfully, missed in the noise. 

“That sounds like the car of that Count.” Kevin said. “He must be back.” 

“What’s that other sound?” Colette asked. 

They paused and listened, and then heard a roar. 

“Oh shit.” Lilac said. 

They all ran out of the caravan, and looked ahead to see Count Olaf’s automobile stopping right by the House of Freaks’s tent, with a small trailer attached to the end, carrying a large metal cage. Count Olaf and Madame Lulu got out of the car, gesturing dramatically to the cage behind them. 

Thee trailer was filled with lions, and it was so packed that the children were unable to count them. They were clawing at the bars and roaring and trying to rock the trailer. Count Olaf took a whip from his pocket, hitting it against the trailer until the lions quieted. 

“Freaks and normal people!” Olaf announced. “Caligari Carnival is proud to announce the arrival of these fierce lions, who will be used in a new attraction!” 

He turned towards the Baudelaires, flashing them his wicked smile, and Lilac quickly stepped in front of Nick so that nobody could see him shake. 

“These lions will be the most exciting thing at Caligari Carnival!” he shouted. 

Hugo, Colette and Kevin emerged from the trailer, walking over to the Baudelaires. “What’s going on?” Hugo asked. 

“Something bad.” Klaus answered, and Solitude hissed sadly and leaned up against him. 

“You see,” Olaf said, addressing the small crowd of people that had started to gather, “Lions are carnivorous, which means they eat meat-” 

“We know that.” Klaus muttered. 

“-and here at Caligari Carnival, they’ll have the finest meat we have to offer.” Olaf walked over to the freaks, and Lilac resisted the urge to push her siblings behind her. As Sunny growled, Olaf said, “These freaks aren’t like normal people, so their lives are depressing and meaningless. They’ll be happy to exhibit themselves in the name of entertainment.” 

“That is our job.” Colette said. 

“For you see,” Olaf said, “We’re not going to feed these lions regular meals, so they’ll be very hungry for tomorrow’s show. Each day, instead of a show at the House of Freaks, we’ll randomly choose one freak and watch the lions devour them.” 

The Baudelaires and Hugo, Colette and Kevin all stood in horrified silence as the audience let out a cheer. 

“The fun begins tomorrow!” Olaf said. “See you then!” 

The audience dispersed, talking excitedly amongst themselves, and the Hook-Handed Man and Esme approached. “Wow, you were right, boss.” said the Hook-Handed Man. “Things are about to get much better here.” 

“Of course he was right, please.” said Madame Lulu. “He is a brilliant and brave and generous man, please. He thought of lion show, and hit lions with whip, please, and gave lions to Lulu.” 

“He  _ gave _ those lions to you?” Esme asked, suddenly seeming very upset. “What did you get  _ me?”  _

Olaf pause. “Um, nothing. But you can share my whip, if you’d like.” 

“He gave lions to me, please,” Lulu smirked at Esme, “Because of my wonderful fortune-telling.” 

“You should really get your fortune told sometime, Esme. It’s quite impressive.” Olaf said. “We entered the tent and turned off all the lights, and the crystal ball hummed, and then magical lightning crackled above us, and when I closed my eyes and concentrated, Lulu told me that one of the Baudelaire parents is alive and hiding in the Mortmain Mountains. First thing tomorrow morning, she will tell me where the Baudelaires are.” 

Esme turned to give Lulu a dark glare. “And what sort of gift will you give her, then?” 

“Be reasonable, dear,” Olaf said, “The lions will make the Carnival more popular, so Madame Lulu can devote her time to fortune-telling, and we can steal the fortune of the Baudelaires.” 

“Um, excuse me?” said Hugo hesitantly. “Is there a way we can make the carnival more popular without feeding us to lions?” 

“Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about that part.” Lilac agreed, reaching to grab Violet’s hand. 

“Oh, please,” Olaf rolled his eyes. “You all saw the crowd. They can’t wait for you to be devoured by lions. Return to the freaks’ caravan until tomorrow. The rest of us will start digging the lion pit. Let’s do it over by the roller coaster.” 

“I will show you, please, where we keep the shovels.” Lulu said. 

“I’m not going to dig a pit!” Esme said. “I need to talk to my boyfriend alone!” 

“Well, alright.” Olaf said. “Let’s go to the guest caravan.” 

“And I’ll show you where the other henchpeople are,” said the Hook-Handed Man, holding out a hook for Madame Lulu. “They’ll be very excited, they love displays of violence.” 

Once they all wandered off, the Baudelaires stared at their coworkers, trying to think of something to say. 

“Well, maybe we can think of a way to not get eaten.” Colette said. 

“Or we could play another game of dominoes.” Hugo said. 

“Um, we’ll… we’ll be inside once we finish our hot chocolate.” Violet said. 

“You might as well enjoy it.” Kevin shrugged. “You might not have any ever again.” 

He turned and followed Hugo and Colette back into the caravan, and once he’d shut the door with both hands, Nick said what they were all thinking. 

“What the  _ fuck?”  _


	31. in which the Baudelaires play fortune teller

**CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE**

_ in which the Baudelaires play fortune teller _

 

“Well,” Violet said, “This is certainly a dilemma.” 

“A dilemma is an understatement.” Lilac said. “He’s going to try and… holy shit.” 

Klaus and Nick shared a terrified look, and then Soli stepped in front of her siblings and said, “We have to get to the tent. Lulu is busy.” 

“Twi?” Sunny asked, which meant,  _ “Do you think it’s really magic?”  _

“Lightning can’t appear inside of a tent.” Violet said. “Something mysterious is going on.” 

“And we should find out what it is before we’re fed to the lions.” Lilac added. 

“But,” Klaus asked, “What if it’s real?” 

“I don’t know.” Violet said. “How can we know?” 

“But what if,” Klaus said, tears springing to his eyes, “What if one of our parents is alive?” 

Slowly, Nick leaned his head onto Klaus’s shoulder, and Sunny and Soli walked over to hug their legs, and Violet and Lilac ran over to join the embrace. 

They huddled together for a very long time, and then Violet said, “I’m sorry. This is just… hard to think about.” 

“If one of our parents survived,” Klaus said, “Why would they be hiding out here? Why aren’t they looking for us?” 

“Maybe they are.” Violet asidd. “But we’ve been running for so long they can’t find us.” 

“Then why didn’t they contact Mr Poe?” 

“Maybe they have our same shitty luck.” Lilac said. 

“Or maybe,” Nick said, very quietly, keeping his eyes shut tight, “They were told not to find us.” 

The siblings stared at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Violet asked. 

Nick didn’t answer. 

“Nick?” Violet said again. “What the  _ hell _ does that mean?” 

Nick opened his eyes again, and they could see that he was crying, too. “I…” he began, before shutting his eyes again. “I… just… maybe they don’t want us anymore.” 

“Nick!” Lilac said. “Nick, of course they want us! Why wouldn’t they? We’re their children! They love us!” 

“Do they?” Nick said. 

Lilac gasped. “Of course! What’s gotten into you?” 

Sunny stepped away and said, “Galfuskin!” which meant something like,  _ “We shouldn’t stand around talking. We need to get to Lulu’s tent before she gets back.”  _

“Sunny’s right.” Violet said quickly. “Come on, we have to hurry, or we may not get another chance.” 

Slowly, they nodded, and followed Violet and Sunny towards Madame Lulu’s tent. 

 

Lilac pushed open the flap, and they all stepped inside. The siblings glanced around the tent; in the center was a table with a velvet cloth that reached to the floor with an ordinary-enough looking crystal ball on the top. There was a cupboard on one side of the tent and a trunk on the other, and a heavy curtain in the back of the tent. 

“What should we look for first?” Violet asked. 

Klaus and Nick threw off their shared shirt, and Klaus said, “We should divide and conquer.” 

“Or,” Lilac said, wandering over to a panel of two switches. “We follow the routine Olaf and Lulu laid out for us. He said they began with turning off the lights, right? Well, we’ll do that.” 

Violet moved over, pulling off her wig and tying back her hair with her ribbon. “One of those switches clearly turns off the lights, but what does the other do?” 

“What’s that?” Solitude asked, pointing up as Babbitt hopped from her pocket to her shoulder. 

They looked up, seeing a mirror attached to the top of the tent at an odd angle, hanging from a piece of metal and attached to a long strip of rubber. Nick moved towards the end of the rubber, finding a large knot of wires and gears, also attached to several mirrors. 

Violet and Lilac looked at each other, and then immediately started talking so fast their siblings could hardly keep up. 

“That piece of rubber up there looks like a fan belt.” Viollet said. 

“That would transmit torque from an automotive engine in order to help cool the radiator.” Lilac said. 

“But why would you want to-” 

“Look, see, it moves the other mirrors around, but how could-” 

“Wait a minute. Look at that small hole in the upper corner of the tent.” 

Klaus pulled his glasses from his pocket in order to look, too, while Lilac said, “What direction are we facing if we face the hole?” 

“East.” 

“The direction of the sunrise.” 

“I’m sorry,” Nick said quietly, “What the hell are you all on about?” 

Violet and Lilac smiled at each other, and then Lilac flicked one of the switches. The gears began to spin, and the strip of rubber began to move, and the mirrors whirled around in a circle. 

“You hear that humming sound?” Violet asked. 

“It’s not from the crystal ball, like Olaf thought.” Lilac said. “It’s from the machine.” 

“That larger mirror is angled so it reflects light from the rising sun onto the other mirrors.” Violet added. “Making flashing lights- fake lightning.” 

“The lights being off means he can’t see the invention.” Lilac said. 

She switched off the invention, and Klaus said quietly, “So Madame Lulu is a fake?” 

“Oh, definitely.” Lilac nodded. “I bet that crystal ball is just plain glass. She pretends to be a fortune teller to get gifts and money.” 

Sunny looked up, and then asked, “Chesro?” which meant,  _ “But if she’s a fake, how did she know that one of our parents is alive?”  _

The older Baudelaires stared at her for a moment, and then looked to each other, not sure what to say. 

Finally, Klaus knelt down and said, “She didn’t, Sunny. Her information’s fake, too.” 

Sunny shook her head. “Reperibat,” he said, which meant,  _ “But it can’t be! She knew where we were, and told Olaf!”  _

“That is true.” Lilac said quietly. 

“How would she get that information?” Violet narrowed her eyes. 

“Let’s see…” Lilac moved over to the table. “Count Olaf said that after the lightning, she made him close his eyes and concentrate, so she could read the ball-” 

“There!” Solitude called, and then she ran to the table, grabbing the edge of the cloth. Nick followed her and lifted it up, and a small piece of paper fell out. 

He picked it up and read, “Dear Duchess, your masked ball sounds like a fantastic evening, and I look forward to… this is just some dumb party note.” 

“Um, that’s not all.” Klaus said, kneeling down and looking under the table, and his siblings all rushed to join him. 

Under the table were enormous piles of papers, stuffed together into small shelves. 

“Holy shit.” Lilac said, grabbing a paper. “This is a newspaper article about the ‘It Takes a Village’ program.” 

“This is a magazine about the In Auction.” Violet said. 

“Letters, files, photographs,” Klaus said, looking around. “She looks through this while people have their eyes closed, and they can’t hear the papers over the hum.” 

Nick grabbed a selection of paper, staring curiously, and then he quickly tried to shove it back, but Klaus’s eyes widened as he caught a glimpse of it, and he grabbed it from his brother. 

“This is the sheet music that was in the piano!” he said. “But it’s not all blurred out!” 

“The piano?” Nick asked, confused. 

“When we escaped the elevator,” Violet explained quickly, “There was a tunnel to our house.” 

“Babbitt found hidden stuff in the piano.” Solitude added. 

“That’s where we got Mother’s necklace.” Lilac explained. “And this sheet music, and this baby picture of me.” She pulled out the photograph of herself as an infant, passing it to Nick. He stared for a second, as she turned to Klaus. “What’s it say?” 

“It’s some kind of folk song, but I think it has the wrong notes, those just look like  _ Row Your Boat.”  _ Klaus said. “It’s called  _ The Little Snicket Lad.”  _

“Jacques?” Sunny asked.  

“I’m not sure.” Klaus said, skimming. “It doesn’t seem to have his name-” 

Nick stuffed the photograph into his pocket, and then made a grab for the papers. “Let me see it.” 

“Hey, wait your turn!” Klaus said. 

He flinched back, and as he did, he hit his shoulder onto the table, and the children watched as the crystal ball fell from the cloth and shattered onto the floor. 

They stared for a moment, and then Sunny said, “Fuck.” 

She repeated herself when the tent flapped open, and they all looked up to see Madame Lulu enter the room. 

There was a tense moment of silence, and then Lulu said, “What are you  _ doing here,  _ please? What are the freaks doing in my tent, please?” She stared at Klaus and Nick, and said, “What are you doing separate from your other head? What-” 

Nick jumped to his feet, angrily stepping in front of Sunny and Solitude, and he yelled, “What are you doing conning the shit out of people, please?” 

Madame Lulu looked furious. “How  _ dare  _ you! You broke the crystal ball, please! You broke into Madame Lulu’s tent, please, and broke her magical-” 

“That ball isn’t magic at all!” Violet shouted, also leaping to her feet, Lilac and Klaus quickly following her. “And you’re not a fortune teller.” 

“That device makes your stupid lightning!” Lilac said, gesturing up. “And your information library is down here!” 

“This is all one big fraud!” Klaus said. “You should be ashamed!” 

Madame Lulu gaped at them a moment, and then, to the Baudelaires’ surprise, she put her hands over her face and collapsed into a chair. 

“I am ashamed of myself.” she said, in an unaccented voice. “I am utterly ashamed of myself.” 

She pulled a wig off of her head, revealing long, bright locks that fell over her shoulders. The Baudelaires stared, shocked, and then Violet said, “Madame Lulu, why would you-” 

“Oh.” Lulu cried. “Don’t call me that. My name is Olivia Caliban, I’m not Madame Lulu, and I’m not a fortune teller.” 

“But then why would you pretend to be these things?” Klaus asked. “Why are you helping Count Olaf?” 

“I help everyone.” Olivia said. “My motto is ‘give people what they want.’ That’s why I’m at the carnival. I tell people what they want to hear. If Count Olaf or one of his henchmen asks me where the Baudelaires are, I tell them. If Jacques Snicket wants to know if his brother is alive, I tell him. I collect papers from libraries and files-” 

“And from VFD?” Nick asked coldly. 

Everyone froze, and Olivia looked up at him. Then she blinked and said, “Wait a moment. I recognize you. You’re a Baudelaire.” she turned to the others. “That means you-” 

“We’re all Baudelaires in disguise, yeah.” Nick snapped, and he slammed his hand on the table in front of her. “Catch up. You said there was a survivor of the fire. Who told you that?” 

“N-no one.” Olivia said. “I guessed. If one of your parents survived, they’d go to one of the last surviving VFD headquarters in the Mortmain Mountains.” 

“Because our parents were in VFD?” Violet asked. 

“Of course.” Olivia said. “You would know that.” 

“We don’t know anything about VFD.” Klaus said. 

“Then how did you learn to disguise yourselves?” Olivia asked, astonished. “You used the VFD Disguise Training- veiled facial disguises, various finery disguises, voice fakery- It all even looks like it’s from my disguise kit.” 

“We got our disguises from Olaf’s trunk.” Violet said. 

“That,” Nick snapped again, shutting his eyes, “Is because Olaf has the VFD disguise kit. Isn’t that right, Olivia? All the Volunteers get the stupid kit.” 

“Nick,” Lilac said carefully, as Olivia flinched, “What are you talking about?” 

“They all get the disguise kit in training.” Nick said, and then suddenly he was talking so fast his siblings could barely keep up. “They all get the kit and they can use it however they want. They can use it to help us or hurt us- and they’ve been hurting us, they’ve all been hurting us so much. They were intended to help, but then the schism ruined that, didn’t it, Olivia? But you were all fucked before the schism, weren’t you? They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad- but they were fucked up in their turn. You’ve got the Snicket Lad song, don’t you, Olivia? You know what they  _ do.  _ What they  _ did.  _ You were all  _ fucked, _ you’ve always been  _ fucked, _ but now it’s worse because you’re volunteering to start fires instead of stop them. I bet you don’t know which side you’re on, do you, Olivia?” 

Olivia looked about ready to cry, and Lilac shouted, “Nick!” 

“Nick, what are you talking about?” Klaus cried. 

“I’m  _ talking,”  _ Nick spat, “About the Volunteer Fire Department!” 

Olivia gasped, and the Baudelaires continued to stare at Nick, who proceeded to talk quickly again, tears starting to spring to the edge of his eyes. “Yeah! I said it! You know what, I think I’ve  _ been here before! _ Me and the Quagmires were kept in the fucking red herring most of the time, but now that I think about it, I remember running through these fucking Hinterlands. You didn’t see me, did you? But if you did, you wouldn’t have helped, because  _ he _ wouldn’t have wanted that! You have to give him  _ what he wants! _ Did you hear me? Did you hear them catch me, Olivia? Do you know what they  _ did to me?  _ Did you hear me screaming when they-” 

“Stop it!” Olivia threw her hands over her ears. “Stop it, I didn’t-” 

“Nick!” Violet shouted, grabbing Solitude, who looked like she was about to pass out, clinging to Babbitt. 

“What have you  _ done,  _ huh?” Nick screamed. “What have you done to cause grief around here? Did you tell the person who  _ burned down our house  _ where to find us? How many villains did you direct towards orphans, huh? How many  _ fucking _ lives have you  _ ruined  _ because you just give everyone everything? You know what, you know what happens when you don’t fucking  _ think?  _ What happens is my siblings get hurt, my friends get kidnapped, and I get _ tortured,  _ I get _ ripped apart, I get-”  _

Klaus raced forwards and threw his arms around Nick, and Nick suddenly froze up, and then burst into tears. Klaus continued to hug him, and after a moment, Violet let Solitude go, and Soli ran to her big brother and hugged his legs. Sunny joined her, and then Violet and Lilac stepped forwards, wondering if they should join. 

Instead, Lilac tuned to Olivia. 

“Nick is right.” she said. “You’ve caused a lot of pain, just to give Olaf what he wanted.” 

“I know.” Olivia said weakly, staring at the ground. “But I don’t know what else to do.” 

Violet moved beside her, putting a hand over hers. “You can stop helping Olaf and help us instead.” she said. “Tell us about VFD. Take us to the Mortmain Mountains to see if one of our parents is truly alive.” 

Olivia looked up at her. “I used to be a noble person. Do you think I could be noble again?” 

“I don’t know.” Violet said. “But let’s find out.” 

Nick’s tears slowed, and he looked over at them, and said, his voice breaking, “Violet-” 

“We don’t have a way to get to the Mortmain Headquarters, though.” Olivia said. “We don’t have a car, or a minivan, or seven horses, or a large slingshot-” 

“Olivia,” Lilac asked, thinking hard, “Do the carts on that rollercoaster still work?” 

“The carts?” Olivia repeated. “The wheels move, but the engines have rusted away.” 

“If we take apart your lightning device,” Violet said, “We could use that rubber as a fan belt. We’ll fix it tonight and then come fetch you to sneak out.” 

“No.” Olivia shook her head. “At night, Count Olaf’s henchpeople will notice a roller coaster engine leaving. Better to leave in the afternoon. Everyone will be at the House of Freaks, and we can repair the cart and escape without notice. In the morning, I’ll get my spare crystal ball so Count Olaf will not know it is broken.” 

“Count Olaf will ask where to find us.” Nick said, still clinging to his brother. “You won’t tell him, will you?” 

Olivia paused a moment. “No.” she said uncertainly. 

“Promise?” Sunny asked. 

Olivia didn’t answer for a long time, and then finally Nick said, “Do you  _ promise,  _ Olivia? You won’t give us back to that monster?” 

Olivia sighed. “I promise, if you promise to take me with you to VFD.” 

“We promise.” Violet said. 

Before they could say anything more, they heard a shout, and Nick leapt back as Olaf cried, “Lulu! Where the hell are you?” 

“In the tent, my Olaf!” Olivia called, dropping into her Lulu voice. “Do not come in, please, I am doing secret ritual with the magic crystal ball!” 

“Well, alright, but the henchpeople finished digging the pit!” Olaf called. “And we all want some more wine!” 

“I will meet you in the caravan, please!” Olivia said. She turned to the Baudelaires and said quietly, “You better get back in disguise and hurry back to your caravan, please. We will fix the cart in the afternoon, please.” 

“And you’ll remember your promise?” Lilac asked. 

Lulu paused, and then said, “Yes. I will remember.” 

 

When the Baudelaires stepped out of the tent, Lilac gestured for them to move behind a small caravan. They followed her, and as soon as she was certain they were alone, she ran over to Nick and threw her arms around him, holding him close. 

Violet did the same, and for a while, they all stood in silence. 

And then Violet pulled away and asked, “Nick, how did you find out about VFD?” 

Nick bit his lip as Lilac also pulled away, gripping onto Klaus’s hand and staring at the ground. “I… some of it from the Quagmires, when we could… could talk… some of it from… from…” 

“And you’re sure it’s all true?” Klaus asked. 

Nick nodded. “D-double-checked the Quagmires’ notes when we could… it’s all…” 

“Nick,” Violet asked, “What… what can you tell us?” 

“It’s called the Volunteer Fire Department.” Nick said. “They used to stop fires, both literal and figurative. Keep secrets, solve mysteries… do other, more dangerous things. But there was a… a schism, and… and now a bunch of them are like  _ him,  _ running around starting fires and- and- and- and it’s all in total confusion. And… and our parents- they were-” He shut his eyes. “It’s not… they thought it… I… I can’t… I  _ can’t…”  _

Violet put an arm around him again, and then said. “It’s okay, Nick. It’s okay. You don’t have to talk now. We’ll find out from Olivia, okay? You don’t have to… think about it.” 

Nick nodded quietly, and then Klaus said, “We should get back to the caravan, before the others miss us.” 

“Nick, I just have one more question, if you can tell us.” Lilac said. 

“Li-” Violet began. 

“What?” Nick asked, sounding terrified. 

Lilac locked eyes with him. “Who’s Snicket?” 

Nick stared at her for a long, long time. 

And then he said, “I’ll tell you later.” 


	32. in which the Baudelaires are asked to murder

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO**

_in which the Baudelaires are asked to murder_

 

“Well, everyone’s very quiet today.” Colette said. 

The Baudelaires glanced up from their soup to give her an incredulous look. 

“Well, I’ll admit,” Hugo said, “I’m not too thrilled at the prospect of being fed to lions.” 

“That’s true.” Kevin said. “Although, Madame Lulu does say we should give the people what they want, and clearly they want to see someone devoured by lions.” 

“There are better things to do with your life than be devoured by lions.” Lilac huffed. 

“Like what?” Colette asked. 

“Like literally anything.” Klaus said. 

“You never know,” Violet said, glancing up from the ground, where she was dropping food for Sunny, who seemed to rather enjoy this arrangement. “Something new could come for you.” 

“You never know when opportunity will knock.” Nick agreed. 

They heard a knock at the caravan door, and a shrill voice calling, “Open up, freaks!” 

Nick jumped and gripped Klaus’s hand, and Lilac instantly threw an arm over Violet, while Soli ran to stand by Nick. Their coworkers didn’t seem to notice their reaction, and Hugo said, “Coming in one moment, Ms Squalor!” he turned to the others. “Let’s all be on our best behavior. It’s not often a normal person wants to talk to us, and I think we should make the most of this opportunity.” 

“I won’t bend into a single strange position.” Colette nodded. 

“And I’ll only use one hand.” Kevin said. 

Sunny growled as Hugo opened the door, and Esme Squalor strutted into the caravan. She wore a long, white gown, with the phrase _I ♡ Freaks_ embroidered onto the front, with a brown sack tied to her shoulders and an odd round hat on her head that had an angry face drawn onto it. 

“I am Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor.” she announced. “And, gosh, it really _is_ crowded in here. Someone give me their chair.” 

“That’s quite the outfit.” Lilac said, raising an eyebrow. 

“Thank you.” Esme said, as Colette got up for her. “As you can see from the front of my gown, I love freaks.” 

“You do?” Kevin said. “That’s very nice of you.” 

“Yes, it is.” Esme agreed. “I had this dress made especially to show how I love them. There’s a cushion on the shoulder to resemble a hunchback, and my hat makes me look like I have to heads, like Elliot and Janus.” 

“You certainly look… very freakish.” Violet said. 

Esme frowned. “Of course, I’m not really a freak, I’m a normal person, but I wanted to show you all how much I admire you. Now, bring me some buttermilk, it’s very In.” 

“We don’t have buttermilk,” Hugo said, “But we have cranberry juice, and we still have some of Chabo’s hot chocolate left over, it was her idea to add cinnamon, and-” 

“No, thank you.” Esme said, looking down a Sunny and frowning. “I’m afraid I don’t like cinnamon in chocolate anymore, the woman who introduced it to me recently perished in a fire. But it’s very kind of you to offer. You freaks are so kind that I consider you to be more than employees at a carnival I happen to be visiting. I consider you to be some of my closest friends.” 

The Baudelaires gave her incredulous looks, but their coworkers looked like Esme had just given them the world. 

“Oh, Esme,” Colette said, “Do you really mean it?” 

“Of course I mean it!” Esme said. “I would rather be here with you than the finest people in the world.” 

“Gosh,” Kevin said, “No normal person has ever called me a friend.” 

“Well, that’s what you are!” Esme said. “You’re all my freaky friends. And it makes me very sad to think that one of you will be eaten by lions tomorrow.” 

“There, there, friend,” Kevin said, reaching to pat her with one of his hands, “Don’t be sad.” 

“I can’t help it.” Esme said, “And don’t touch me. _But_ I have an opportunity for you that might make all of us _very happy.”_

“An opportunity?” Kevin said. “Why, Elliot and Janus were just telling us that an opportunity could come along any minute.” 

“And they were right!” Esme said. “Tonight, I am offering you the opportunity to quit your jobs at the House of Freaks and join Count Olaf and myself in his troupe!” 

“What?” Nick said, before he could stop himself. 

“Yes, it is very exciting.” Esme nodded. “It’s a theatrical troupe, so you’d be wearing costumes and doing dramatic exercises, and occasionally committing crimes.” 

“Sounds good.” Kevin said. “I’ve committed crimes before. Why, when I was no older than Elliot and Janus-” 

“You’d get to travel with us to exciting places.” Esme interrupted. “We’ve been to the Finite Forest, to Lake Lachrymose, and the Village of Fowl Devotees. And, best of all, you’d get to work for Count Olaf, one of the most brilliant and handsome men who ever walked the face of the earth.” 

“Would a normal man like him want to work with freaks like us?” Colette asked. 

“Of course he would!” Esme said. “Count Olaf doesn’t care whether there’s something horribly wrong with you or if you’re perfectly normal, so long as you obey each and every one of his orders, without question. You’ll be paid a fortune- or, well, Olaf will be.” 

“Wow! What an opportunity!” Hugo said. 

“Exciting!” Colette cried. 

Lilac stared at the ceiling so she wouldn’t have to see Esme’s glare when she said, “Meh, I mean, I’m not much of an actress.” 

“Then you can work on the sets.” Esme shrugged. “But, well, if you want to join, there is _one_ thing you need to do.” 

“A job interview?” Colette asked nervously. 

“Oh, there’s no need for close friends of mine to do anything like a job interview.” Esme said. “You just have to do one simple task. Tomorrow afternoon, during the show with the lions, Count Olaf will announce which freak will jump into the pit of lions. But I want whomever is chosen to throw Madame Lulu instead!” 

There was a long silence. 

“You mean,” Violet said, widening her eyes, “You want us to murder Madame Lulu?” 

“Don’t think of it as murder.” Esme said. “Think of it as a dramatic exercise. It’s a special surprise for Count Olaf that will prove to him that you’re brave enough to join his troupe!” 

“Throwing Madame Lulu to the lions doesn’t strike me as particularly brave.” Klaus said. “Just cruel and vicious.” 

“How can it be cruel and vicious to give people what they want?” Esme said. “You want to join Count Olaf’s troupe, the crowd wants to see someone eaten by lions, and I want Madame Lulu thrown into a pit. Tomorrow, one of you will have the exciting opportunity to give everyone exactly what they want.” 

“Well,” Hugo said, “When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so bad.” 

“Of course it doesn’t!” Esme said. “Besides, Madame Lulu was eager to see you all eaten by lions, so you should be happy to throw her into the pit.” 

“That’s true.” Colette said. “And she hasn’t paid us, either.” 

“Why do you want Madame Lulu thrown in, your Esmeness?” Lilac asked, shooting her a look. 

“Oh, I think that my boyfriend is tired of buying her presents.” Esme scowled. “Oh! But speaking of presents, I have something for each of you!” 

She reached into her sack, pulling it off her shoulders and pulling out a large oversized coat that looked like the one the Hook-Handed Man wore while disguised as a doorman. She handed it to Hugo, and said, “This is for you.” 

Hugo put it on and said, “It covers my hunchback! I look normal instead of freakish!” 

“For Colette,” Esme said, pulling out a long robe, “This robe is so baggy that you can twist your body any way you want, and nobody will notice you’re a contortionist.” 

“It’s a dream come true!” Colette said. “I’d throw a hundred people into the lion pit to wear something like this!” 

“And for Kevin, I brought you this small rope.” Esme said. “Turn around, and I’ll tie your right hand behind your back so you can’t possibly use it.” 

“So I’ll be left-handed, like a normal person!” Kevin cheered, standing up and turning. 

Esme tied his hand back, and then said, “I’ve stuff for the others, too. For you, Chabo, I have one of Olaf’s razors, so you can shave off some of that awful wolf hair. I’ve a wig for Euryale, so she can hide her snakes. For Beverly, I’ve this makeup kit, so you can cover your burn! And Babydoll, I have this polish that covers tattoos. We have loads, nobody will mind if you have this.” 

“Um… thanks?” Lilac said, as she passed her the bottle. 

“And for Elliot and Janus,” she said, “This sack is perfect to cover up one of your heads! You’ll look like a normal one-headed person who just happens to have a sack balanced on their shoulder. Isn’t that smashing?” She moved forwards, and put a hand on Nick’s face, either not noticing or not caring that he completely froze over. “I think you should cover this one, but perhaps you could trade-off per day.” 

“Thank you for these, Ms Squalor,” Klaus said, drawing her attention away from his brother, “But we may have to refuse your… kind and generous offer.” 

Solitude hissed in agreement, and Violet said, “Yeah, I’m not sure I’m comfortable throwing Madame Lulu to the lions, no matter how… wonderful it sounds to work for Count Olaf.” 

“She doesn’t seem like she deserves to get devoured.” Lilac added. 

Esme scoffed. “Please, Babydoll, you pushed your parents into a river. Surely pushing your employer to a pit of lions will be more fun.” 

“I-” Lilac began. 

“And besides, who cares about what she _deserves?”_ Esme added. “People don’t always get what they deserve in the world.” 

“It… it still seems wicked.” Violet said. 

“I don’t think so.” Hugo said. “It’s giving the people what they want.” 

“Why don’t you sleep on it?” Esme said. “Right after tomorrow’s show, Count Olaf is heading north to the Mortmain Mountains to take care of something important, and if Madame Lulu is eaten by then, you’ll be allowed to join him. You can decide in the morning whether you want to be brave member of a theater troupe or cowardly freaks in a rundown carnival.” 

“I don’t need to sleep on it.” Kevin said. 

“Me neither.” Colette agreed. “I want to join Count Olaf’s troupe.” 

“Me, too!” Hugo said. 

“I’m glad to hear that.” Esme said. “Perhaps you can convince you coworkers.” She turned to them, and then her voice darkened as she said, “Think about this. It might be a wicked thing, throwing Madame Lulu into a pit of carnivorous lions. Butt if you don’t join us, where can you possibly go? If you don’t choose the wicked thing, what in the world will you do?” 

 

Lilac woke up very early in the morning, and she hastily woke her siblings, and they crawled out of the caravan, sneaking around towards the rollercoaster. 

They had to pass by the lion pit in order to get there, and Violet knelt down, looking at the pacing and roaring animals. “I feel sorry for them.” she said. “They don’t know any better than to eat whatever food they’re given.” 

“They look lonely.” Klaus added. “Maybe they’re orphans, too.” 

“But maybe they have a surviving parent.” Solitude said. “In the mountains.” 

“Edasurc,” Sunny said, meaning, _“Perhaps someday we can rescue these lions.”_

“For now, let’s rescue ourselves.” Lilac said. 

They moved to the nearest rollercoaster cart, and Lilac said, “Violet, let’s untangle the ivy from this cart in front. We’ll probably need at least two carts for all of us, so someone take the second cart.” 

“Couldn’t we just use one of the caravans to get up the mountains?” Nick asked, as he and Klaus moved to untangle the ivy. 

“If you want to move a caravan,” Violet explained, “You’d have to attach it to an automobile, or several horses. We’ll be lucky if we can repair the carts’ engines.” 

“I’m sure you can.” Klaus said. 

Lilac looked down at the cart and said, “Actually, this may not be so bad. The axels are in perfect condition.” 

“Good, we’ll need those wheels to carry us up the mountain.” Violet said. 

They looked towards the mountains, and then Klaus said, “What do you think we’ll find up there?” 

Nick glanced away. “Headquarters, clearly, dumbass.” 

Violet opened the engine of the cart, and then said, “This doesn’t look too bad.” 

“We can replace those pistons with the latches on the cart,” Lilac said, “And the lightning device will provide a fan belt. But we’ll need something to connect the carts.” 

“Ivy!” Solitude said. 

“Good idea, Soli!” Violet said. 

“We can use this shattered track piece as a steering device.” Lilac suggested. 

“I wish we had Mother’s tool kit.” Violet said. 

“We’ll have to do without.” Lilac said. “Klaus, Nick, watch your step as you toss that ivy, I don’t want you falling to the lions.” 

“I don’t want anyone falling to the lions.” Nick said quietly, as he and Klaus threw some ivy at Solitude and Sunny, who were tying the carts together. 

“How could Hugo, Colette and Kevin do something like that?” Klaus asked. 

“I guess they’re just happy someone’s treating them like normal people.” Lilac said. “And they’ll do anything to keep things that way.” 

“Maybe that’s why Olaf’s troupe stays with him.” Violet said quietly. “Maybe they can’t get work anywhere else.” 

“Or maybe they like committing crimes.” Solitude suggested. 

“That could be it.” Violet nodded. “We should hurry. The sun’s rising, so we don’t know if Count Olaf’s done getting his fortune told yet.” 

“Olivia better keep her promise.” Lilac said. 

“If she doesn’t…” Nick 

“If she doesn’t, I say we just take off running.” Klaus said. “To the Mortmain Mountains.” 

“Do you think one of our parents is waiting for us there?” Violet asked. 

“Maybe they’re looking for us down here.” Klaus sighed. “Remember the train station?” 

“God, why would you remind me?” Lilac sighed. “That was a prime example of why you don’t _wander off,_ and I still can’t get Nick to stay put.” 

Nick froze, and stared down at the cart. “Well…” he said. “I mean… I…” 

Lilac’s face fell, and she moved away from the cart and gave her brother a hug. “I’m sorry.” she said. 

Cautiously, Sunny said, “Worf,” meaning, _“We should leave right now.”_

“Everything’s in place but the fan belt.” Violet said. “We’ll need to go to Lulu’s tent and hope Olaf is gone.” 

The Baudelaires hurried, and Violet even picked up Sunny so that she wouldn’t have to run. But as they moved, they already saw people wandering into the carnival, chatting and laughing. 

“Shit, fuck.” Lilac said. “Keep your heads down, that’s Eleanora Poe.” 

“What’s _she_ doing here?” Nick asked, as they raced away from the crowd. 

“Reporting, clearly.” Lilac said. “Come on, the tent should be-” 

“Hey, freaks!” 

Everyone stopped in their tracks, and Violet dropped Sunny to the ground, not wanting to answer questions about how she’d been carrying the ferocious half-wolf. 

They slowly turned, and froze when they saw Count Olaf approaching, looking very, very pleased. 

“I’ve just had my fortune told, freaks,” Olaf said, “So I have everything I want. Meaning that the show starts _right now.”_


	33. in which someone is pushed to the lions

**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE**

_ in which someone is pushed to the lions _

 

“We should really operate on time.” Violet said quickly. “I mean, people are expecting an afternoon show-” 

“It doesn’t matter, freak.” Olaf said. “Now move along. I better see all of you there! We all want to see someone eaten by lions!” 

The Baudelaires paused, hoping he’d leave and they could continue to the tent, but he simply moved behind them and pushed them forwards. Nick and Lilac both looked like they were going to collapse, while Violet tried very hard to think of a solution, and Klaus grabbed his brother’s hand in a silent comfort, and Sunny and Soli stuck very close to their siblings. 

They saw Madame Lulu emerge from her tent, and call out, “Why, my Olaf! Look at all these people!” 

The Baudelaires turned to look ahead of them, and indeed saw a huge crowd of spectators, much more than there had been yesterday, rushing towards the lion pit in order to see the show. 

“Look at all these people, indeed.” Olaf said wickedly, still pushing the Baudelaires ahead of him. “They can’t  _ wait  _ to see one of you eaten.” 

“We can’t wait for the show, either.” Lilac said, trying to sound snarky. “We, uh, love violence and sloppy eating.” 

Olaf pushed them to walk a bit faster, and then led them to a small area just to the side of the hole; they could hear the lions roaring already. Hugo, Colette and Kevin already stood there, with the Hook-Handed Man beside them. The Baudelaires saw, on the other side of the pit, Esme sitting in a deck chair, while the Bald Man nailed a plank to the edge of the pit and the White-Faced Women brought out a small box with a hole on the top. 

“Welcome, welcome!” Olaf shouted, as he made his way over towards Esme; the Baudelaires were upset to see Madame Lulu rushing to stand beside him. 

“I can’t wait to be out of these ill-fitting clothes.” Hugo said quietly, as the crowd all gathered together. “Tomorrow, I’ll be a member of Olaf’s troupe!” 

“Unless you’re lion chow.” Lilac said. 

Hugo shook his head. “I’ll be throwing Madame Lulu to the lions if I’m chosen. What about you?” 

“Look at all these freaks!” Olaf announced, gesturing towards the group. “Observe Hugo’s funny back! Think about how silly it is Colette can bend herself into all these different positions! Giggle at the absurdity of Kevin’s ambidextrous hands! Scoff at Beverly the burned! Snicker at Babydoll, covered in tattoos! Screech at Elliot and Janus, the two-headed monstrosity! Hiss back at Euryale the useless gorgon, and laugh so hard you can barely breathe at Chabo the wolf baby!” 

The crowd laughed and jeered and pointed, and one shouted, “I hope it’s the wolf! It’d be funny to see a wolf against lions!” 

“I hope it’s the gorgon, I want to see her to try to turn them to stone!” 

“I hope it’s the hook-handed freak!” 

“I’m not a freak.” the Hook-Handed Man said. “I just have prosthetics.” 

“I just want to see the lions eat somebody!” 

“And the lions  _ will  _ eat somebody!” Olaf said. “I will randomly draw a paper from this box that these lovely ladies are holding. There is a paper with the name of each freak, and the one selected will walk the plank into the pit! Are there any questions?” 

“How come you get to pick who gets eaten?” asked a man in the crowd. 

“Because it was my idea.” Olaf said. 

“I have a question.” asked a girl. “Is this legal?” 

“Oh, don’t spoil the fun.” Olaf shrugged. He reached into the box and pulled out a slip of paper. “I will now unfold this very dramatically to increase the suspense!” 

“Wow! Wait until the readers of  _ The Daily Punctilio  _ hear about this!” 

As Olaf kept unfolding, loudly counting down how many folds were left, Klaus whispered, “Do you think we can sneak away to the rollercoaster carts?” 

“Someone will see us,” Lilac whispered, “And we need that fan belt.” 

“Maybe we can convince the lions not to eat anyone.” Violet said. 

“Doubt it.” Nick trembled. “Lions’ll eat anything if they’re hungry enough.” 

“Are there any books you read on lions that can help us?” Lilac asked. 

Nick and Klaus shook their heads, and then Solitude said, “Mob Psychology.” 

“Soli’s right.” Klaus said. “In the VFD village, we got to see mob psychology in action.” 

“And we definitely learned about stalling in the hospital.” Lilac said. 

“So what do we do?” Nick asked. 

“Both.” said Sunny. 

And then they heard Count Olaf cry, “I have unfolded the final fold! Friends and associates, today the freak who will be pushed to the lions and sloppily and painfully devoured…” he smiled wickedly, and turned to smile at the children, “Will be the two-headed freak, Elliot and Janus.” 

The crowd cheered, and Nick looked like he was already falling. 

“No.” Lilac said, breathless. 

“Lilac-” Klaus whispered. “We’ll figure it out, just-” 

“Hurry it up, freak!” the Hook-Handed Man said, pushing Klaus and Nick towards the plank. 

Slowly, Nick and Klaus walked towards the other side of the pit, keeping their eyes on the ground so they didn’t have to look at Olaf or the lions. 

“Thank you, Count Olaf.” Klaus said carefully as they finally reached the other side. “My other head and I are thrilled to be chosen.” 

“I’m sure you are.” Olaf smirked, and he reached forwards and put a cold hand on Nick’s cheek. Nick tried very hard not to cry, but he wasn’t succeeding very well. “Now go jump into that pit. We want to see you devoured by lions.” 

“Actually,” Klaus said, “We… we thought it would be more exciting if-” 

“If I jumped in!” Lilac shouted, immediately running forwards. 

“No!” Violet shouted, racing after her, Sunny and Soli close at her heels. 

Count Olaf raised his eyebrow, surprised, and Nick also screamed, “No! No-” 

“These idiots will be a shitshow.” Lilac said quickly. “It’d be more interesting to see me get eaten!” 

“I’d be more interesting!” Violet said. “You don’t want to see the lions try to eat all that tattoo ink, they might not want it!” 

“Excuse me!” Olaf shouted. “But we picked the two-headed freak, so the two-headed freak’s jumping in!” 

“How about if you pushed us?” Klaus said. “That’d be more entertaining.” 

“Yes!” shouted someone in the crowd. 

“Push the freaks in!” 

“Klaus, what are you doing?” Nick whispered as the cheers grew louder. 

“Someone’s gotta be fed to lions.” Klaus replied. “And anyone could fall off that plank, trying to push someone else in.” 

Nick stared at him, horrified, but Count Olaf simply said, “I can’t push them! I have cat allergies!” He sneezed. “See, just standing here I’m in trouble!” 

“You didn’t have allergies while you were whipping the lions.” Lilac pointed out. 

“I have an idea!” Esme shouted, getting to her feet. “What if  _ Madame Lulu  _ pushed the freaks into the pit?” 

“Oh, please.” Madame Lulu said nervously, “I’m more of a fortune teller, please, than a pusher.” 

“I’ll push them in!” Hugo shouted, rushing forwards. “To prove I’m brave enough to join your troupe!” 

“Join my troupe?” Olaf asked, confused. 

“Why, what a wonderful idea!” Esme exclaimed. 

“I’ll push them!” Colette said. 

“To prove we can be useful!” Kevin added. 

“You can’t possibly be as useful as us!” the Bald Man said. 

“We can push them in just fine!” added a white-faced woman. “We don’t need you!” 

“I’m tired of this!” shouted a member of the crowd. “I’ll push them in!” 

“No, I want to push them in!” 

“Let me do it!” 

“Everyone stop arguing like children!” Olaf called, turning towards the crowd, which gave Nick and Klaus opportunity to step back, away from the pit. “Whoever pushes them in first gets a reward!” 

This was just about the worst thing he could say, as then the crowd ran forwards, pushing and shouting and knocking others over. Lilac managed to grab onto her brothers’ arms, dragging them back as everyone turned on each other. Violet picked up both Sunny and Soli, holding one with each arm, and they kept their heads low and raced through the crowd, heading for Madame Lulu’s tent. 

And when, after just a few minutes, they heard a scream, only Lilac and Violet looked back to see Madame Lulu and the Bald Man fall into the pit. 

 

“She’s dead.” Klaus said numbly as they got into the tent. “She’s dead and it’s  _ our fault-”  _

“We can’t think about her now.” Lilac said. “We need to get that fan belt. Violet,  climb on my shoulders and get it down.” 

“Library?” Sunny asked, looking under the table. 

“We don’t have time to get her dumbass library.” Nick said, looking like he was going to throw up. 

“This is our fault.” Klaus said. “We riled up the mob-” 

“Yes, but this was all  _ his _ idea!” Nick shouted. “This was  _ his goddamn fault,  _ get it?” 

Solitude sadly sat down beside a packed suitcase. “We promised to take her with us.” she said quietly. Then she reached towards the suitcase, and paused. “Paper.” Babbitt chirped from her pocket as she pulled a map out, laying it on the ground. Her siblings paused to look it over. 

“It’s a map of the mountains.” Klaus said. 

“They must be very cold this time of the year.” Nick said. “Look at the altitude.” 

“Cue,” Sunny asked, meaning,  _ “Can you find the Headquarters?”  _

“I can’t find a key.” Nick said. “And all these symbols are hard to remember.” 

“I wish we had a cartographer with us.” Violet sighed. 

“What’s that?” Solitude asked, pointing at a brown spot. 

“It looks like Madame Lulu spilled coffee on this spot in the Valley of Four Drafts.” Klaus said. 

“Valley of Four Drafts?” Lilac said. “VFD?” 

“The spill is right where the mountains come together.” Klaus said, looking down. “Look, see, where the Stricken Stream begins- that part is labelled, at least.”  

“The stain could be a secret marking.” Violet said. “Like VFD is a secret organization.” 

“We need that fan belt.” Lilac said. “Help me get it!” 

“Wait, Li-” Nick began. 

“There they are!” 

The Baudelaires jumped and turned around, to see Olaf and Esme walking into the tent, arm-in-arm. Esme was holding a thick bouquet of ivy, while Olaf held a flaming torch. 

“We have been looking everywhere for you.” Olaf said. 

“We’ve decided to let you join us, even though you were very argumentative at the lion pit.” Esme said. 

“Um, thank you,” Lilac said, “But my fellow freaks and I aren’t really fans of the theater. We were thinking we might try fishing.” 

“Oh, come on, now. We keep losing assistants, we could always use more.” Olaf said. “I even asked the woman at the gift caravan to join us, but she was too worried about her precious figurines.” 

“Besides,” Esme said, “We already set most of the carnival on fire.” 

“You did  _ what?”  _ Klaus asked, while Nick flinched back. 

“Yes, to eliminate any evidence we’ve been here.” Olaf shrugged. “We started with that old, broken rollercoaster, and it spread remarkably fast. You might as well come with us. Where else could you go?” 

“Hold on a moment,” Esme asked. She moved forwards, and Nick instinctively pulled Klaus back, which unfortunately gave her enough room to grab the map. “What’s this?” 

“That looks like a map of the Mortmain Mountains.” Olaf said. “That’s where we’re headed. We just need to find the headquarters.” 

“I think those black squares are headquarters.” Esme said. 

“No, no.” Olaf smiled wickedly. “I was educated in secret codes on maps. Black squares are hibernating caves. We’re heading for that brown stain. That’s where the headquarters will be. Now, I need you all to set this tent on fire. Chabo, come with us, we need you to sink your teeth into something.” 

“Chabo would  _ prefer to stay with us.”  _ Lilac said quickly, as Sunny growled. 

“I couldn’t care less what Chabo would want.” Olaf said, and the Baudelaires stared in horror as he picked up their sister. He put the torch in Lilac’s hand, smirking and turning to leave. Esme followed at his heels, laughing. 

“Are we really going to follow Olaf’s orders?” Violet asked, heart breaking. 

“We need to get to Sunny.” Klaus said. 

“Sun!” Solitude cried, grabbing onto Nick’s leg. 

“We have to save her.” Nick said, starting to shake. “We have to… that bastard… he could…” 

“But this library might have our answers.” Violet said. 

“But Olaf is our only way out.” Klaus said. “And he has Sunny.” 

“Everyone thinks we’re freaks or murderers.” Lilac said, tears filling her eyes as she stared down at the flame. “Sometimes I think so, too.” 

“If we join Olaf,” Violet said, “We may become more freakish and murderous. This can’t be the right thing to do.” 

Then, Lilac said, “What choice do we have?” 

They stared at each other, and then slowly left the tent. Lilac threw the torch behind them, and they watched as it went up in flames. 

 

Count Olaf had connected the freaks’ caravan to the end of his car, and the siblings watched in horror as Esme ducked into the shotgun seat, placing a growling Sunny on her lap. 

“The other freaks are in the backseat with the rest of the troupe.” Olaf said. “So you will be in the caravan.” 

“Can’t we stay with Chabo?” Lilac asked nervously, as Solitude tried very hard not to cry. 

“We don’t have room, freak.” Olaf repeated. “Here, take this walkie-talkie, in case we need to tell you something. Now get the fuck in so we can start moving.” 

Slowly, Lilac took the walkie-talkie from Olaf, and shepherded her siblings to the caravan. 

Once they got inside, Nick started to cry, and Violet rushed to close the windows as Klaus threw off their shared shirt and hugged him tight. Nick crumpled against the wall, and Solitude ran to hug him, also wailing. 

The car started to move, and the siblings all huddled together as the caravan moved down the rocky path. Violet threw off her itchy wig, and Lilac tossed off her fake dress, and they stayed quiet for several long, terrifying hours as they moved, until they could feel themselves going up a slope. 

“We’re on the mountains.” Lilac said quietly. “We’re getting closer to one of our parents.” 

“We might not be.” Nick responded, hugging Solitude as close to him as possible. 

“I found some supplies in here. We can have something to do while we wait.” Violet said quietly. “I’ve got some dominoes, there’s probably a way to make hot chocolate, I found some makeup remover-” 

“Put that in your pocket. We can use it when we’re out of this hellhole.” Lilac said. 

“I mean…” Klaus slowly reached into his pocket, pulling out sheet music. “We could look over this. This sheet music must be important, or else why would Mother hide it?” 

“No.” Nick said. 

Klaus jumped. “What do you mean, ‘no’?” 

Nick shut his eyes very tight, and then said, “Lilac. We really, really,  _ really  _ need to talk.” 

They heard a faint buzz, and turned towards the walkie-talkie to hear Olaf’s voice. “Hey, freaks, are you there? Press the red button and speak to me!” 

The siblings looked at each other in fear, and then Lilac grabbed the walkie-talkie. “We’re here.” she said. 

“Good.” Count Olaf replied. “Because I wanted to tell you something I learned from Madame Lulu today.” 

They all froze. 

“Fuck.” Nick said. 

“She told me you are the Baudelaires!” Olaf laughed.

They heard a shriek from the walkie-talkie, and Solitude screamed,  _ “Sunny!”  _

“Don’t hurt her!” Lilac shouted, panic in her voice. “Don’t you  _ dare _ hurt her!” 

Nick suddenly leapt forwards, grabbing the radio from her. “Listen to me, bastard!” he screamed, his voice breaking. “She’s a  _ baby,  _ she’s just a  _ baby,  _ don’t you  _ dare-”  _

“Why, my dear Nick,” Olaf said, and Nick trembled again, starting to cry once more, “She’ll probably survive a little while longer. Remember? I still need one orphan alive to steal a fortune. First, I’m going to make sure both your parents are dead as doornails, and then I’m going to use Sunny to become very, very rich. Worry about yourselves, and say goodbye.” 

“Oh no.” Violet said, and she ran to the window of the caravan, throwing it open. 

Outside, Hugo was leaning out the back of the automobile, holding to Colette’s ankles; she’d twisted herself over the trunk, and she was holding onto Kevin, who was using both of his hands to cut the rope that tied the caravan to the car with a long, rusty knife. 

“No!” Violet screamed. “No, stop!” 

Klaus and Lilac ran to the window, shouting. 

“No! Stop!” 

“Don’t!” 

“Sunny!” 

_ “Sunny!”  _

_ “SUNNY!”  _

Then the rope snapped, and the caravan started to fall down the slippery slope.


	34. Epilogue - in which they should have said something

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR**

_ Epilogue - in which they should have said something _

 

“Alright, children,” Beatrice said, laughing, “Get in here.” 

The wooden door creaked open, and the five Baudelaires peered in. 

“It was Nick’s idea.” Violet said. 

“Shut up, no it wasn’t!” Nick said. 

Bertand and Beatrice both laughed, as their kids walked guiltily into their parents’ office. Bertrand turned to the record, and the children thought he would turn it off, but instead, he started the song over. 

“Well,” Beatrice held out her hand for the closest child- Nick, who was holding Solitude with one arm. “Do you want to dance, good sir?” 

“I suck at dancing, and I’m carrying a baby.” Nick said. 

“Well, so am I.” Beatrice laughed, glancing down at her stomach, which was indeed quite swollen. “But that’s not stopping me.” 

“Come on.” Bertrand said, taking Violet’s hands and spinning her as she giggled. “It’s Duke Ellington. That’s your fav, Li.” 

Lilac laughed slightly, and then grabbed onto Klaus. “Alright, then. Dance with me, Klaus!” 

“Wait, no, I-” he stuttered, but soon Lilac had him whirling around with her around the carpet. Nick laughed and spun with his Mom, while Solitude, only barely a year old, giggled and clapped and cheered. After a moment, Bertrand spun Violet, and Lilac spun into his arms, laughing as he dipped her slightly. Violet tried to dip Klaus, and failed, and the two of them ended up on a pile on the floor, laughing their heads off. 

Nick swapped with Lilac, and Bertrand danced with him a bit, the two of them laughing as Solitude tried to grab onto her Dad’s sweater to trip him up, while Lilac and Beatrice very seriously twirled around in their long dresses, watching their skirts spin around them. Then they swapped again, and the siblings all let out mock groans as Beatrice dipped her husband into a kiss. 

“God, guys, get a room!” Nick shouted. 

_ “Nick!”  _ Lilac scolded, while Violet burst into laughter again. 

“Locus?” Solitude asked, biting on the edge of her collar, which meant,  _ “What does that mean?”  _

“It means I’m going to kill your brother.” Lilac hissed. 

“It means,” Beatrice laughed, sitting down on the sofa, “That Mother and Father love each other very much.” 

“I think kid number six clued us into that.” Nick said, and Lilac elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow! Li!” 

Bertrand sat beside his wife, putting his arm around her, and soon their kids ran to sit by them. “What song is this?” Violet asked. 

Beatrice smiled over at Soli, who was curled up on Nick’s lap, biting his sweater. “It’s got a very special name, isn’t that right, dear?” Solitude giggled. 

“Why were you dancing?” Klaus asked, bouncing his leg as he leaned his head on Violet’s shoulder. 

“Because we can.” Bertrand said. “Who doesn’t love dancing?” 

“Maybe the baby won’t.” Lilac shrugged. “What’re you naming it again?” 

“Dashiell if it’s a boy,” Bertrand replied, “Sunny if it’s a girl.” 

“It better be Dashiell.” Nick said. “Or we’re gonna be outnumbered even more.” 

“I can’t exactly choose, Nick.” Beatrice laughed. 

“Why’d you decide to have another baby?” Klaus asked. “I mean, why would you do this whole pregnancy thing  _ again?”  _

Beatrice smiled slightly. “Will you believe me if I say it’s because I  _ enjoy _ being a mother? Because it’s true.” 

“I won’t.” Violet said. “I think it’s cause-” 

Lilac slapped her hand over her sister’s mouth. “Violet just thinks it was a pleasant surprise, is all.” She then recoiled, letting out a screech as Violet started laughing again. “Did you just  _ lick my hand?”  _

“Well, anyway,” Nick interrupted, “I’m glad we’re getting a new sibling.”

Lilac raised an eyebrow suspiciously. “Why?” 

“Cause now I don’t have to share Soli.” 

Beatrice sighed, while Violet and Soli laughed. “Nick, we’ve talked about this.” 

“You all can have the new one.” Nick said. “I’ll raise Soli alone in the woods, with bugs and snakes.” 

Solitude’s eyes lit up at the prospect, and she said, “Anguis!” which meant,  _ “I would like that very much!”  _

“Maybe when you’re old enough to build your own shelter.” Bertrand said. “And find food for the two of you.” 

Nick scoffed. “We’ll just eat dirt.” 

“You will  _ not.”  _ Lilac said. 

“Lios!” Soli giggled.  _ “Dirt!”  _

“Hey, can we get a dog?” Violet asked suddenly. 

Beatrice jumped. “I’m sorry?” 

“Well, we should have a dog that can track us all, should one of us go missing in a crowd.” Violet said. “Since there’s gonna be six of us. We don’t want another train station incident.” 

Beatrice and Bertrand shared a concerned look, and Lilac said, “I’m sorry, are  _ you _ going to feed the dog?” 

“Yeah, totally. They can have my leftovers.” 

“Violet!” 

“We should get a tarantula.” Nick said. “It can eat all the bugs.” 

“We are  _ not _ getting a tarantula!” Klaus said. 

“I think maybe we should focus on the new baby before we talk about any pets.” Beatrice said. 

“We could adopt one of the outdoors animals.” Nick suggested. 

Beatrice and Bertrand turned to look at him. “The what?” Bertrand asked. 

“I keep hearing animals outside my window, every now and again.” Nick shrugged. “Howling or yipping or sometimes breaking a branch. Maybe if we brought them into the house, they wouldn’t get in so much trouble.” 

“Can you imagine if it was a wolf?” Violet sighed. “I would  _ love _ a pet wolf.” 

“That would be incredibly dangerous.” Lilac said. 

“I dunno, I think Soli could beat it in a biting contest.” Nick said. 

“I’d rather not test that.” Beatrice said. “Don’t worry about animals outside your window. They can take care of themselves. If they can’t, just tell us, okay?” 

“Oh! I just remembered!” Violet leaned forwards, eyes shining. “You know how Soli’s mobile keeps falling? I was thinking that me and Li could make a new one for the baby. Like, with cute little animal carvings on it.” 

“I don’t remember agreeing to this.” Lilac said. 

“So you won’t do it?” 

“I didn’t say that!” 

“I think that’d be a great idea.” Bertrand said. 

“Nick and I could read some books on how to care for babies, so we can help!” Klaus suggested. 

“I read all those books already.” Nick said. 

Klaus stared at him. “You what?” 

“I need to know how not to kill my best friend!” Nick said, gesturing to Solitude, who was biting off part of his sleeve. 

“Children,” Beatrice said, “It’s getting late. You really should be in bed.” 

“But we wanna dance with you.” Lilac said. “You and Dad.” 

“I don’t want Soli to go to her own room.” Nick huffed. “I want a sleepover!” 

“I  _ don’t.”  _ Klaus said. “Last time she slept in our room, she woke us up by crying at three in the morning, and then she proceeded to bite off one of the table legs.” 

“Not her fault!” 

_ “How  _ was that not her fault?” 

“Alright,” Bertrand said, “Bedtime. Now. Tomorrow, why don’t we go to the store and get all that stuff for the mobile?” 

“Sounds great, Father!” Violet beamed. “And we can get some not-goth clothes for Lilac.” 

“Not likely.” Lilac said. 

The kids stood up, and then Beatrice said, “Wait, Lilac, can you stay a moment?” 

Lilac nodded, and as her siblings ran out, giggling and shoving each other, she asked, “Do you need me for something?” 

Beatrice stood by her daughter, putting her hands on her shoulders and smiling softly at her. “You’ll be as tall as me soon, won’t you?” Lilac shrugged, and Beatrice only laughed for a moment before her face grew very serious. She looked right into her eldest daughter’s eyes. 

Lilac had her father’s eyes. 

“I know we’ve told you this before,” she said, “But you are the eldest child. You know what that means?” 

Lilac nodded. “That I have to take care of my siblings. And I will.” 

Beatrice nodded, and then she said, “You’re growing into such an incredible young woman, Lilac.” 

_ “Mom.”  _ Lilac groaned. “Stop being mushy.” 

“She’s right.” Bertrand said, smiling over at his eldest daughter. 

“Oh, God, not you, too.” Lilac said, and her parents laughed. “Is this all you wanted to talk to me about?” 

Beatrice paused, considering, and then said, “Yeah. Go ahead and go to bed.” 

Lilac nodded, and turned and ran off, her braids flying behind her. 

When she was gone, the door swinging shut behind her, Beatrice’s face fell, and she said, “Are we putting too much on her?” 

“Nothing’s going to happen to her, Bea.” Bertrand said, moving to turn off the record. “Not while we’re here.” 

“If we fail-” 

“We won’t. Sure, it’ll take some time-” 

“What if we don’t have that long?” 

“We will. We’ll get through it, like we’ve gotten through everything else.” 

Beatrice sighed and sat on the sofa. She grabbed a book from the table beside her, flipping it open; it was a scrapbook, of their first few years of marriage. She turned to a selection of beach photos, slowly pulling out a small picture of baby Lilac, sitting on Briny Beach. It hadn’t been the first time she’d seen the ocean, but she’d still been so excited to splash in the water. 

“If we fail,” she said, “So many people will want to hurt them.” 

“Then we’ll just have to make sure we don’t fail.” 

“Especially Lilac.” Beatrice’s voice broke a little, as Bertrand sat beside her again. “Our enemies will go after her, and if anyone finds out that she’s…” she shut her eyes, and leaned her head on Bertrand’s shoulder. “She even sounds like him.” 

“I know.” Bertrand nodded. “But hopefully she’ll never even know anyone would wish her harm. Hopefully she’ll grow up in a world loud enough to thrive in.” 

Beatrice smiled a little. “They wouldn’t like to hear you say that.” 

“They wouldn’t like to hear us say a lot of things. Listen, Bea, I promise, we’ll take care of our kids.” 

Beatrice sighed. “Sometimes I think we should tell them.” 

“Do you want to?” 

She shook her head. “When they need to know, they’ll know.” She took the photo of Lilac and said, “I think I want to put this with his other stuff.” she paused, and then smiled, “Li really was his last gift to us, wasn’t she?” 

Bertrand nodded. “He couldn’t have given us a better one.” 

 

The caravan was falling. 

The caravan was falling, and Lilac was screaming, trying to throw herself at the window, as if she could reach Sunny. 

Violet was running around, grabbing hammocks and screaming about an invention, her hair tied back. 

Klaus was helping her, digging through a cabinet, looking panicked and on the edge of tears. 

Solitude was clinging to Nick, wailing at the top of her lungs. 

And Nick could barely move, could barely breathe. He was holding Solitude, he was holding her so tightly. 

All he could think was,  _ They should have told us. They could have told us everything, but they didn’t.  _

_ Why? Because they were ashamed? Because they thought we’d hate them? Because they thought we’d never have to deal with the fallout?  _

Lilac fell beside Nick, throwing her arms around him and Soli. 

_ But we do. We do have to deal with it.  _

_ It’s because of them.  _

_ It’s because of them Lilac was almost married to Count Olaf, and was put under so much pressure she can’t cope.  _

_ It’s because of them that Violet was kidnapped and hurt, and drugged out of her mind.  _

_ It’s because of them that Klaus was hypnotized, and had to spend our birthday alone in jail.  _

_ It’s because of them Solitude is growing up in this world, this cruel world that’s hurting her for existing.  _

_ It’s because of them that Sunny is gone.  _

_ Everything that those monsters did to me is because of them.  _

_ Everything that has happened to us is because of them.  _

Violet was screaming something at Lilac. Solitude was still crying very hard. Klaus was tossing something into a pitcher, as Lilac let out a loud sob. 

So nobody heard Nick whisper to himself. 

_ “They fuck you up, your Mom and Dad.”  _

He moved his hand, so he could feel Mother’s necklace. 

She wouldn’t have wanted this, he knew. They both loved them, he knew. 

But he also knew he was mad as hell. 

They had a lot to answer for. 

_ “They may not mean to…”  _

He shut his eyes and started to cry. 

_ “But they did.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THAT'S IT FOR SEASON TWO!
> 
> Thank you so much for joining me on this ride, and for threatening me with death after TEE, that was fun as hell! Hope to God that happens again, as an angst writer that was the highlight of my career lol. 
> 
> \- There'll be a brief hiatus before Part Three so I can write ahead enough. It'll probably be shorter than the 1-2 hiatus.   
> \- Part Three will be a bit shorter, seeing as there'll be one less book to go through.   
> \- Does not mean that anyone's going to have a fun time. The angst will continue, especially with Nick and Lilac.   
> \- Once again, you're going to love it and also probably hate it.   
> \- Thank u for commenting! Love ya!
> 
> ~ midas


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